Okay, so Strictly Come Dancing has It Takes Two, but that's not schedule-filling on Saturday night (when Dancing on Ice rightfully ought to be on). So what's this Dancing on Ice: Make Me a Star all about? Let's take a look.
Holly seems to be in charge - no sign of Phil. Eek. She's wearing a high-waisted black skirt which suits her a lot better than the dress she was wearing last Sunday. Not so keen on the beige blouse though. How will she cope with having her very own show? Let's face it, our Holly is no Claudia Winkleman.
Dancing on Ice Champion of Champions Kyran Bracken is on first, with his partner Nina Ulanova. In case you didn't know, he's now ice-skating professionally with Holiday on Ice - skating has Changed His Life! I was a big fan of Kyran when he was on the show, but I'm not sure I'll be able to forgive him for skating to My Heart Will Go On. He's incredibly good, though, considering he used to be a rugby player. Ooh, fireworks! Kyran has his serious face on. They do an amazing upside-down lift towards the end of the routine - I'd like to see any of the celebs try that one. Okay, Kyran, I forgive you for the Celine Dion because it was quite a sweet routine. [Also, to be fair, it wasn't Celine Dion singing. - Carrie]
Holly has a new studio. Michael Underwood has broken his ankle and is out of the competition - of which more later. Holly does a lot of autocue-reading. Now we're treated to a recap of last week's show, with a voiceover being overdramatic about everything that happened. Nicky couldn't work the scoring properly and Jason bitched about everyone. Oh, what a surprise, there's Suzanne's accident again! And a close-up of the hole in her head, just in case you missed it on Sunday. Tim and Natalie were in the skate-off. Ruthie was shocked because the worst skaters weren't in the skate-off. Has she ever watched reality TV? Deal with it, Ruthie. Head Judge Robin Cousins says it should have been Aggie and Greg. Of course, Tim got through and Natalie went back to... wherever she came from.
Holly is very excited about the new audience competition - "a search for Britain's most exciting ice-skating talent". The VT tells us they're looking for "the UK's most entertaining ice act". So not so much a skater as a variety show on ice. Britain's Got Talent on Ice? Now ITV seem to be ripping off their own shows. So, it's not really as exciting as it sounded last week. Holly is joined by Jayne and Chris to big it up. Chris claims to be "really excited". Holly asks if they're looking for a new Torvill and Dean or Robin Cousins? Jayne: "Absolutely not!" Because there can be only one. How dare you even suggest it, Willoughby? Apparently they're looking for "all ages, all shapes and sizes, something that will entertain the public and us". Holly: "So not just skating - people doing crazy things on ice?" Chris: "Yes." So hopefully we might get some funny tapes of the dud auditionees, who will probably be more entertaining than the eventual winner - who will perform in the final of Dancing on Ice 2009. Chris: "It's a huge honour." What, like meeting the Queen or something? Well, I suppose Jason will be there - ho ho.
After the break - Westlife prepare for ice début. The judges - UNCENSORED. (Apparently Jason can get EVEN RUDER.) And MICHAEL is INJURED! And CRYING. Will they show his ankle actually breaking? Surely that's what the people want...
BREAK! [Like MICHAEL'S ANKLE. - Carrie]
Westlife are on Holly's sofa, "poised to make their début on ice". They won't be skating or anything though, will they? No, in fact Torvill and Dean will be skating around them "like cones", which they've been rehearsing this afternoon. Because it's very difficult to concentrate on singing when you are being skated round, presumably. They're doing two songs - as though one isn't more than enough. Chris seems to be touching them a lot in rehearsals. Don't they have bodyguards to deal with people like that? Holly suggests that he could be a new member of Westlife and one of them (don't ask me!) calls him "a young Barry Manilow". At least he said "young", Chris.
It seems the judges have some secret opinions about what will happen this week. To that end, their VT is filmed in a shadowy room, and they're speaking in hushed tones so the celebrities don't hear them. [They seem to be having a secret dinner party, to which Karen and Nicky are not invited. - Carrie] Head Judge Robin thinks Gareth will be interesting this week because he's skating to Green Day, which could be difficult music to pull off. He adds that he'll be excited to see Steve Backley this week. Ruthie interjects: "I'm excited to see Mr Backley every week." A woman after Carrie's own heart, I think. [Heh. I love Ruthie. - Carrie] Jason says he's looking forward to seeing what Linda can do. Ruthie says that Suzanne's skating is good, but "It's like the lights are on and nobody's home". I think she's being harsh. [Or perhaps she saw Suzanne towards the end of her run in The Rocky Horror Show and has noted her tendency to go through the motions. - Carrie] Tim will be "under pressure" this week. Jason thinks he's "letting his masculinity get in way. There's going to be Lycra and sequins - just enjoy it." Easy for you to say, macho man. Samantha really needs to start performing this week, and Chris needs to connect with his partner. Kindly Head Judge Robin says that despite the bad skating, he can't fault Aggie's commitment and enthusiasm. He's sounding disturbingly like Karen - who, incidentally, seems to have been too busy to appear in this VT. Jason gets in a final poke at Greg, who was "dreadful - not 007, 911".
Finally, the inside story on Michael Underwood's accident. He and Mel were having the usual laughs in training - and the usual falling over. But Michael was feeling upbeat: "This week is going to be a clean routine. That's a Michael and Mel part-guarantee." We don't see the fall, just Samantha watching from the sidelines, but we're told that he went to do a back cross - quite a standard step - but his toepick caught in the ice and he went over it. All we see is Michael laid out on the ice. What is the point in watching an ice-skating show if you don't see the injuries as they happen?! Michael is stretchered to hospital, saying, "It would be so me to go out like this, not even voted out." But an X-ray reveals the worst - his ankle's broken. Michael can't believe it. He's crying - but we'll let him off, since he just broke his ankle. Give the man some bloody privacy for a minute! Or, y'know, not. Michael: "So typical. So stupid. Mel will be so disappointed... I've never broken anything in my life. I can't believe I'm out of the competition."
Michael joins Holly in the studio. Although we've just seen it, Holly asks him what happened. Michael says it was a normal training day, which sounds a bit like the beginning of a horror-movie trailer. Jayne and Chris have made the routines harder this week, though, and he was "giving it 120%". Even Karen had noticed that he was working hard, and said she was proud of him. He wasn't trying to do a triple axel or anything, just trying to stop. On the plus side, Michael says, "It's not a head injury or anything", but Holly sensibly still thinks a broken ankle is pretty bad. "There was a lot of pain but I didn't hear a big snap," Michael tells Holly, who looks incredibly squeamish. He didn't realise how bad it was because the swelling wasn't that bad at first, but the X-ray lady "looked at me and shook her head". Holly: "How's Mel?" Well, she doesn't have any broken bones, so she's probably doing alright by comparison. Of course, she's upset for Michael, though. He does seem genuinely upset to have gone out like that, bless him, but at least he hasn't been in the competition long enough to become annoying.
I have to say - Willoughby has conducted herself a lot better than I was expecting. I think her problem on DoI is having to stand around looking pretty while Phil talks all the time - it's probably difficult not to look vacuous. [I think maybe Willoughby is just too pretty for her own good. - Carrie] Getting her own show is probably a good career move.
On tomorrow's show, a mysterious new arrival will be replacing Michael - skating with Fred, we hear, despite Carrie's one-woman campaign to bring back Andrei. Tim: "This could mean a whole new competition." I'm not even going to start on what a meaningless comment that is. Plus, of course, Torvill and Dean will be skating with Westlife. Steve will be here with in-depth analysis - don't miss it!