Monday, 21 January 2008

Spiralling out of control

Week 2 - Sunday 20th January

Last week - Dancing on Ice EXPLODED back on to our screens! Cue vast amounts of gratuitous pyrotechnics. Yes, somebody got a big budget increase for Christmas. This week - watch the celebs skate their feet off! Or, in the case of Suzanne Shaw, possibly their heads. There's nothing like the potential of a seriously injured celebrity to boost your audience figures. This is Dancing on Ice - live!

The producers have chosen an interesting presenting combo - best and worst sort of thing. I'll leave you to work out which is which. Holly Willoughby seems to have inherited Kate Thornton's dresser, so on the plus side, that's one less person on the dole. On the other hand, Holly has to wear these outfits. I almost feel sorry for her. But not quite. [This week, Holly is wearing a dark green Fifties-style dress that is at least two inches too long for her. She looks like a little girl playing dress-up. - Carrie][Thankfully no blue eyeshadow though. Yet. - Georgi] Anyway, Phil whets our collective appetite by telling us it's been "a painful week" - yayz, celebrities in pain! Holly reminds us that "there were tears" last week when Sarah Greene was voted off. Phil: "Yes, I shouldn't get so emotional." Sniggle.

But wait, here are Skating Legends Torvill and Dean! [Jayne and Chris! - Carrie] They're skating to "Feeling Good", and actually their routine is pretty awesome. I mean, they sell this whole show on the basis that nobody really cares about watching celebs learn to skate, as long as we get to see Jayne and Chris back on the ice once more - and to be honest, I'm always a bit disappointed since they have neither the size of rink nor the athleticism they had in 1984. Every week they seem a little bit more out of breath. [Damn that ageing process. - Carrie] But I digress - this week's routine was good.

At this stage in the competition, there are still so many contestants it's hard to keep track of them (especially when you have no idea who the fuck they are), so here's the rundown: Linda and Daniel; Chris and Frankie; Natalie and Andrei; Greg and Kristina; Aggie and Sergey; Tim and Victoria; Suzanne and Matt; Steve and Susie; Samantha and Paul; Gareth and Maria; Michael and Melanie. I haven't picked a favourite yet, though Greg and Kristina are in the front-running, I reckon.

This week, the couples have to include a required element in their routine - the lunge into spiral, which is kind of self-explanatory as long as you know that a spiral is basically skating with one leg out behind you. [That confused me in a few routines, I must say. I kept shouting "You're doing it wrong! You're supposed to go in a circle!" Stupid inappropriately-named skating manoeuvres... - Steve] I must say, it seems quite difficult for the second week; then again, the celebs' basic skating skills also seem better this year. Jayne: they have had to learn a new routine in six days. Chris: six days, blah blah blah. This is going to get tedious very soon.

Lest we forget, the Ice Panel are also back. Holly chats to them a bit. Not sure why. She reckons Jason's feet are "almost as quick as his tongue" - not sure how she'd know. [HAHAHA! - Carrie]

This week, we actually have time for a routine before going to a break, and Linda and Daniel are up first. Last week Ruthie accused Linda of being carried around the ice, so hopefully this week she's been working on her skating. We are big fans of Daniel's glasses that he wears in training, but I think if I was falling over all day (as they all seem to in training), I'd put in my contact lenses. Apparently Linda is finding it "hard to remember what comes next". That could be a problem. Linda has been beating Daniel up; "His bum's the only thing I haven't hurt yet - his lip, his privates, his knee... I love Daniel, and the last thing I want to do is slice his face open with my blade," Linda confesses. Awww, bless.

On the ice, Linda doesn't really look like she knows what she's doing half the time, but their routine has quite a lot of content. Daniel looks like he's holding her up on the spiral though. With a bit more confidence, they could go a long way. Last week, they scored 16.5. This week, the judges' scores are: Karen - 3.5; Nicky - 6.0 (and the nation collectively shouts "WTF?!?"); Jason - 3.0, Ruthie - 3.0, Robin - 3.5, for a total of 19. Shurely shome mishtake? Phil looks shocked, and points out that Nicky is shaking his head. "I pressed 3.5!" he protests. Sure you did, Nicky. Can we give him paddles next week, or would he still get that wrong? "I'm keeping it!" screeches Linda. But since it was a "technical" "hitch", Nicky is allowed to change his score to 3.5, giving Linda and Daniel a grand total of... 16.5, exactly the same as last week. Daniel says he's proud of Linda - drink! Nicky says he loved the start, their chemistry and their danceability [dance ability? - Carrie][I did ponder that for a while, but I think he meant danceability, however unlikely it may sound- Georgi]. Jason, for a change, agrees with Nicky - he loves to watch their partnership and thinks they have sincerity in interpretation, but Linda needs to take more care into and out of the lifts. Holly pauses to allow for booing of Jason's constructive criticism, but strangely none is forthcoming.


Next up are Chris and Frankie. They were top with the Ice Panel last week, but were criticised for their lack of connection. In his VT, Chris is whinging about having to work Tuesday to Friday, up to 14 hours a day, and not having time to train. Look, I don't have time for this. If you don't have time for the training, don't sign up for the fucking show, alright? [I think I can speak for the sizeable volume of people who wouldn't especially miss him if he disappeared out of Hollyoaks Village for a few weeks. - Steve] Frankie says Chris is exhausted because he's not used to this level of activity, which leads to him being all sulky in training. "I can't do it!" He may have taken whining lessons from Lee Otway. ["I want Shaaaaane!" - Carrie] Get on with it.

They're skating to "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's. The spins and lifts are good, and their spiral is side-by-side, which looks more difficult than the variety where your partner is basically holding your arms up in front to make sure you don't fall on your face. Although we would enjoy that. Gubba says Frankie is "fresher than a spring daffodil", which I think is his way of saying her dress is yellow. The scores are: Karen - 4.5; Nicky - 4.5; Jason - 3.0 (boo!); Ruthie - 3.5; Robin - 4.5, for a total of 20. Now they've left the ice, I notice Chris has a hairy chest on show. Clearly he learnt from Stefan Booth in series 1. More blah about having to learn the routine as well as his lines from Hollyoaks. [Hang on. They have scripts for Hollyoaks? - Carrie] [Yes, but they're written in crayon and usually covered in drool. - Steve] It's not as though he's going to get them mixed up. Ruthie tells Chris that their partnering was better, but she wants to see "more going on in your face". He is an actor, after all. Head Judge Robin Cousins says something about their required element that I didn't really understand, but I think it was to the effect that it was difficult but he pulled it off. Chris didn't know what the fancy name for it was: "I just stick my leg out and turn to the side".


Natalie and Andrei are next up. We still have no idea who she is, but we like our Andrei. [I love me some Andrei, as Lorrell almost says in Dreamgirls. - Carrie] Chris says that last week Natalie was "like a deer in the headlights", and Andrei helpfully told her to breathe. Andrei is "getting frustrated" in training because Natalie is having trouble getting in position for the lift. Although he looks as docile as ever, to be honest. Surely it's not the producers trying to shoehorn in some drama? [Bless Andrei. I can't imagine him ever losing his temper. He didn't even get cross with weepy Clare Buckfield. The man is a saint. - Carrie][Andrei doesn't strike me as the kind of man who could be cross with a weeping woman. - Georgi]

They're skating to Leona's "Bleeding Love". I wouldn't choose a song involving anything to do with blood - it would be too ironic were someone to get injured. Natalie gets in the required lunge and spiral early in the routine, which makes me suspect that Torvill and Dean weren't sure she would make it to the end. Gubba says something about "Peter Pan meets Nemo", which: WTF? And then proceeds to invent many aquatically named moves: the seahorse, the prawn wrap, the lighthouse. Hmmm. The judges' scores are in: Karen - 3.5; Nicky - 2.5; Jason - 2.5; Ruthie - 2.5; Robin - 3.0, for a total of 14. Which is not great. Natalie admits that the overhead lift was hard, and "I thought my bottom was going to slip off his hand!" Surely if you were going to trust anybody to lift you, it would be Andrei? Of course, she continues, "But it was okay because Andrei's so strong." Hee! Jason says he was "disappointed at this point in the competition" - what, week 2? "If not for Andrei's strength, you wouldn't have got up there" - well, duh. Karen retaliates that Natalie did "a lot of different skating and she does it solo". Plus, of course, in Karen's book she gets points just for turning up. I might give her points for having sparkles in her hair.

We have a pointless look at the leaderboard after three couples have skated - Chris and Frankie are top, Natalie and Andrei are bottom, with Linda and Daniel sandwiched in between. Time for a break, but first another preview of Suzanne's horrible fall. Enough with the injury porn!


Hooray for Greg and Kristina - probably the cutest couple in the competition. I really want them to get better so they don't get voted out. When I say "them", obviously I mean Greg, who according to Kristina needs to "get some rhythm in his body". Jason compared him to Herman Munster last week, and this week's routine has even more dancing. Chris says Greg "has to get his dancing shoes on". He's probably better off with skates, I reckon. Ho ho. Greg is feeling discouraged because he "didn't really create a performance in week 1". He can certainly talk the talk. Anyway, off he goes to dance classes, along with his wife ("Come on, John Travolta!") and baby. Awww. Is it just me, or does his wife seem a bit pissed off with Jason?

Greg and Kristina are skating to "Dance the Night Away", opening with a step sequence in which Greg demonstrates that he needs a lot more dance classes. Sorry Greg, but you have no rhythm. He makes up for it with enthusiasm though - and at least he can skate. "Is he more Fred Astaire or Fred Flintstone?" ponders Gubba. The judges' scores are predictably low: Karen - 3.0; Nicky - 2.5; Jason - 1.5 (BOOOOO!!!); Ruthie - 2.0; Robin - 2.5, for a total of 11.5. Greg says he was so nervous, he couldn't relax and enjoy it. Apparently dancing is one of his worst fears. Why did he sign up for Dancing on Ice then? (The clue's in the name.) [He says, "I thought it was Skating on Ice!" Heh. - Carrie] Kristina calls him a "big sweetheart": "He's trying so hard!" They are so adorable. Holly reminds us why she isn't allowed to do any of the important bits of script, by accusing Jason of giving them his lowest mark so far; "No, I gave a 1.0 to Aggie," he responds. For God's sake, Willoughby, it's only week 2! Try to keep up. Anyway, Jason says Greg showed no improvement and had a constipated face [look who's talking - Steve], plus it was so dull his mind was wandering. If he can't concentrate on a two-minute routine, I'm thinking they ought to get a judge who can. Nurturing Head Judge Robin Cousins says he has to agree with Jason from a performance point of view, but the skating was better - Greg just needs to take control. Rrrrr!

Speaking of Aggie, she and Sergey are up next. Aggie still seems to spend most of her time in training falling over. I really think she ought to be voted off before she gets hospitalised. It'd be for her own good. To prove my point, she gets a pain in her back ribs during the studio rehearsal. Aggie is annoyed because she "wants to do something decent and I'm nowhere near".

In the audience, someone has a "Scotland OAPs" banner - fuck right off. I mean it. I'm far too busy trying to figure out why Aggie is wearing a flamingo - I don't have time for your misplaced nationalism. They're skating to "I'm a Woman", presumably because someone thought we might not have noticed that Sergey is YOUNG and Aggie is OLD. Aggie is being carried around a lot, and her limb extensions aren't very good. Gubba calls Sergey her "Russian toyboy, young enough to be her son". Grandson, you mean. The scores are in: Karen - 2.5; Nicky - 2.0; Jason - 1.5; Ruthie - 2.0; Robin - 2.0, for a total of 10. Last week they got 10.5, which suggests they may have actually got worse over the course of the week. Phil says they are "meagre scores for the effort involved". They're not marks for effort! Aggie says she's "bandaged all over and in such pain, but that's no excuse". Why mention it, then? She says they have a Scottish word which means "dogged determination". Chris says they have "a mountain to climb". They have those in Scotland too. Karen says she was "glad when the routine was over" - me too, but for different reasons - "and you were still in one piece. Keep working hard and it will pay off." Yeah, that seems a bit over-optimistic to me, but what do I know? Jason admits Aggie was "less catatonic" this week [splitting hairs, but can you be "less catatonic"? Surely you're either catatonic or you're not. - Steve], but he's "going to be straight (as if!) with you - you're not very good. I don't think you're going to last long." Well, that'll guarantee the whole of Scotland voting for her.

After the break - Suzanne's "dramatic accident"!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!11! [ZOMG, Suzanne had an accident? WHY HAS NOBODY INFORMED ME OF THIS? - Carrie]


No, not yet. First - look! Who should it be in the audience but Duncan from Blue? Phil has a quick chat. Duncan from Blue says it's nice to be sitting and watching it this year. Who will he be supporting? His old partner Maria and her new boy Gareth, of course. From his perspective, it must be a good thing that Dancing on Ice has moved to Sunday nights, because otherwise he would be too busy lighting up the stage in London's Trendy West End.

No, still not yet. Tim and Victoria are first. They had no chemistry last week, which Tim says is because he was concentrating on the routine. This week they have three jumps in the routine - risky. Tim and Chris seem to be cavorting around on the ice. Ewww.

They're skating to "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic", and I would deduct a few points for having anything to do with Sting, even before he started releasing albums of lute music. Tim doesn't look too stable, especially on the counterbalance, but they do a nice step sequence. Gubba says they "really did catch the mood of the music", but I feel that would have required several props. I'm thinking top hats and white rabbits. The judges' scores are: Karen - 3.5; Nicky - 3.5; Jason - 2.5; Ruthie - 3.0; Robin - 3.5, for a total of 16. Tim admits that he made a mistake in the intro, but Victoria got him through it. Jayne wibbles about how many different steps they did. Tim says he wasn't looking at Victoria much because he was too busy praying. Head Judge Robin Cousins says Tim was "a completely different person", but he needs to focus rather than looking around because "the toe picks will come up and bite you in the bum". I'm not sure whether that is logistically possible, but I'd like to see it. Ruthie says he needs "more uplift". Surely he's had enough plastic surgery already?

Now is the moment we've all been waiting for, and the VT is introduced by Phil: "They're one of the bookies' favourites - or is that just Hear'Say?" Ha ha. That's Suzanne and Matt, in case you didn't realise. Suzanne says the big lifts they did last week "really hurt!" In training, Chris philosophises about skating: "With ice, you've got to attack it but at the same time you have to respect it". Whatevs. Finally, we get to see that horrible fall in rehearsals. Then, in case it wasn't bad enough, we get to watch it again in slow motion. Matt had to dive over Suzanne and in the process caught the back of her head with his blade. Ouch! Oh yeah, and let's get in a close-up of the injury for good measure.

This evening, Suzanne appears to have recovered somewhat, although we are forced to ask ourselves the questions: is that fake hair? And, if so, is it to cover up the huge hole in her head? They're skating to "When You're Gone". This is definitely the closest thing to dancing we've seen this evening. I think Gubba just called a move "the charming horse". You couldn't make it up! Unless he is. The scores are in: Karen - 4.5; Nicky - 4.5; Jason - 3.5; Ruthie - 3.5; Robin - 4.5, for a total of 20.5. Phil asks Suzanne if it was unnerving to see the VT of her fall just before performing. "I didn't actually watch it (you madman)!" she replies. Well, you wouldn't, would you? [I didn't, and I don't even know Suzanne. I can't imagine why anyone would think she'd want to watch her own head getting sliced open. - Carrie] Matt says ice skating is "one of the most dangerous sports", with the "apparatus - the ice and the blades". The jury is out over whether ice can validly be called apparatus. Chris sneaks in a jibe about how he's "got holes in my head - from Jayne!" Yes, but I'll bet she still has the psychological scarring. Nicky says he was excited by Suzanne's grace - but fortunately not excited enough to write her a poem. Holly says they're like "a skating Barbie and Ken", which may be one of the most insightful comments ever to escape her lips. [Suzanne and Matt skating dolls would be ace. I'd buy it. - Carrie][Ooh, I want an Andrei doll. And maybe Pavel to keep him company. - Georgi] Jason says it was graceful, but Suzanne needs to "soften the hard look" on her face. Ruthie says she wants to see more interpretation of the music. [It really bugs me when Ruthie goes on about how she couldn't tell what the song was if she hadn't been listening. THAT'S HOW MUSIC WORKS, you daft cow. No matter how good Suzanne might've been - and I did think she was great this week - I doubt anyone could've told what she was dancing to if they'd had their set on mute. - Steve]

It's time for a slightly less pointless look at the leaderboard. Suzanne and Matt have claimed the top spot, and it's no surprise to see Aggie and Sergey languishing at the bottom.


Steve and Susie are next to skate. Steve is 6'7" in his skates. Cue loads of boring talk about how difficult it is when you're so tall. I don't remember David Seaman whinging this much. [But! It is DIFFICULT for TALL PEOPLE to DANCE. Has Penny Lancaster taught you NOTHING? - Carrie] Steve has been training so much he hasn't had time to see his family, so he takes them ice skating. "Is Dad going to win or lose?" "Lose!" chorus his delightful children.

They're skating to "Stand By Me", and the routine is full of content but not a lot of grace, and Susie looks like she's holding Steve up on the lunge into spiral. Gubba: "When he falls, it's like slow motion - it's ages before he hits the ice." Gubba - not that good when it comes to physics. The judges' scores are: Karen - 3.0; Nicky - 3.0; Jason - 2.0; Ruthie - 3.0; Robin - 4.0, for a total of 15. Steve thinks it was "brave of Susie to get upside-down on my skates with L-plates". Jayne wibbles about how hard they've been training. Holly thanks Head Judge Robin Cousins for awarding them a 4.0. Robin says it's "quality over quantity", and that it's "not fast-flowing, but I'll take the gentle giant". Jason criticised them for being "slow into everything, especially the lifts", which are "supposed to impress us". Oooh, get you. He concludes that it was "safe and dull". Nicky says that Steve needs to get "down in the ankles and down in the knees", but "the potential's there".

Next up, it's Samantha and Pavel, who survived the skate-off last week. Samantha seems completely mad, but I'm finding her irritating rather than endearing. This week, though, she's "in competition mode" and "working my ass off". Chris psychologises her: "Samantha's still nervous on the ice. She has to let go of her fear." In training, Samantha's having problems with two back-to-back spinning lifts, and insists, "I need to come to a complete standstill." What makes her think she can dictate the choreography? Pavel is not impressed. [I love Pavel. He is very sanguine. I am impressed by the Eastern European boys' patience with their loopy and/or shit celeb partners. - Carrie]

For some reason, they're wearing flesh-coloured outfits with sparkly bits on. Pavel's nipples are visible. Samantha's aren't. I don't seem to have made any notes on their actual routine - I may have been distracted - but I think it was probably average. [You were too busy asking silly questions about the colour of their costumes! - Carrie][Look, she may be black, but the flesh-coloured costume was still too dark for her skin! - Georgi] The scores are in: Karen - 3.5; Nicky - 3.5; Jason - 2.0; Ruthie - 3.5; Robin - 3.5, for a total of 16. Karen thinks the experience of being in the skate-off last week made them work hard, and Samantha has "beautiful lines", but she needs to trust Pavel more. Jason says that her leg lines aren't projecting out enough. Phil asks, "Will it be Goodbye Sam?", which Carrie recognised as a reference to an old Cliff Richard song - I'm obviously too young to remember it. [Or! I am just a fountain of knowledge about classic pop. - Carrie] [You just keep telling yourself that, Grandma. - Steve][The idea that Cliff Richard ever released a song about ditching the boys for the girls has been amusing me ever since, though. - Georgi]

Gareth and Maria are joking around in training - and even Chris thought it was fun. Jayne rather demurely says Gareth's skating is "very entertaining". Gareth: "What does that mean?" Jayne: "It's good!", with thumbs up for emphasis, or possibly because she's still not sure he understands.

As the lights go down and Gareth and Maria wait for their music to start, some loudmouth in the audience yells, "Come on, Maria!" It sounds suspiciously like Duncan from Blue. They're skating to "Hard to Handle", and at the beginning Gareth is singing along, Kenny Logan-style - presumably not so that he knows where the beat is, though. Maria is sporting a rather daring red jumpsuit, and Gareth is sporting his Acting face. There's a lot of energy and it's a lot of fun, definitely the best performance level of the night. I want not to like Gareth Gates, but this is good stuff. The scores are: Karen- 4.0; Nicky - 4.0; Jason - 3.0; Ruthie - 4.0; Robin - 4.5, for a total of 19.5. Gareth says he's changed his mindset this week, and no longer wants to be the next Jayne and Chris. Chris commends their speed over the ice, and thinks Gareth brought out his character in this routine. Holly says she's just fallen in love with Gareth Gates. *gag* Head Judge Robin Cousins says Gareth is "transformed", it was a real team effort, his timing was "on the money" - overall, it was a great performance.


Phil: "We've seen ten fantastic performances..." Us: "Well, two really."

Michael and Melanie are the final couple to skate. Jayne says that Michael needs to "show his sensitive side", and Michael admits that he needs to take it more seriously because this week they'll be attempting a "high-risk manoeuvre" - the death spiral. Michael: "Don't give me the death spiral! Give me the quite-easy-to-do spiral!" I have a feeling that Michael will be DoI's Dominic Littlewood - everyone will like his cheeky chappie persona for a couple of weeks, at which point it will become incredibly annoying, so let's hope he won't have to rely on it to keep him in the competition.

They're skating to "Wonderful Tonight", and unfortunately there's a wardrobe malfunction right at the start of their routine, as one of Melanie's blades catches in Michael's braces, which are left dangling over his shoulder for the rest of it. That must be distracting, and he does a good job of carrying on, although in the first lift, he barely manages to lift Melanie off the ice. Gubba calls it a "belt and braces performance", ha ha. The scores are: Karen - 3.5; Nicky - 3.5; Jason - 3.0; Ruthie - 3.0; Robin - 3.5, for a total of 16.5. Michael makes a Janet Jackson reference, "At least I kept my chest in!" Mel says it was fine, because he kept going and they finished with the music. Chris observes that Michael is "obviously used to unhooking himself" like that, and I'm not really sure what he's trying to imply. Nicky loved the "entertainment value", and I'm not sure whether he means their skating or the costume problems. Jason says that he did well to recover, but says it "looked like you were trying to restrain a rather large dog on a lead!" Will Jason never learn not to compare ladies with dogs? It seems not. Mel looks outraged.

At last, it's all over, and there's just time for a final look at the leaderboard and a recap of all the performances. Phil keeps reminding us that we can "turn the leaderboard upside-down" - but frankly, with Aggie at the bottom, I don't know why you'd want to. They'll be back in an hour's time for the results.

Results show

If there's one thing I like, it's the countdown to the phone lines closing. It's so '80s kids TV. [It's so weird that they close the lines right at the start of the show, though. You'd think they'd find time to give out the numbers and talk us into a last-minute vote first. - Steve]

Now, while they "count" "the" "votes", another recap. Nicky got his score wrong, but Linda and Daniel laugh about it backstage. Greg says he'll be practising his dancing at home in front of the mirror. Sergey says Aggie is his hero. Tim's disappointed because he performed better in rehearsals - Victoria agrees. Suzanne is chuffed, because she's "not a pro skater". You don't say. That's only the ENTIRE POINT OF THE PROGRAMME. Steve compares himself to a giraffe. Samantha thought she could have skated better, but is hoping to be saved. Gareth had fun, and is also chuffed with his scores. Michael seems determined to retain his cheeky chappie label. [Celebrities are dull, aren't they? - Carrie]

At last, ITV's masterplan in scheduling DoI on Sunday evenings becomes clear - next Saturday at 8.30, tune in for Dancing on Ice: Make Me a Star - your very own chance to skate on the show! I'm excited and perturbed in equal measures. Hopefully we'll also get to see more show performances from the professional skaters. Next week, we'll see the return of last year's winner, Kyran Bracken. [If only the Beeb would copy this idea for Strictly. - Carrie]

After that bit of news, it's time for *touches earpiece* the results. So, in no particular order, the couples who are through are: Greg and Kristina, who look surprised and thrilled; Suzanne and Matt - no surprise there; Chris and Frankie; Aggie and Sergey - don't kiss him! It's practically paedophilia; Gareth and Maria; Linda and Daniel; Michael and Melanie; Samantha and Pavel - obviously she has some fans after all. To find out the final couple who are safe, we have to wait until after the break. As an aside, I'm amused by the fact that Holly isn't even trusted to read out the results with Phil. [Even Tess Daly is allowed to read out half of the results with Brucie. Although I guess Brucie is now the biggest liability, annoying though Tess can be. - Carrie][Phil is definitely ahead in the not-being-senile stakes. - Georgi]


So, the final couple to get through is... Steve and Susie! That leaves Natalie and Andrei and Tim and Victoria in the skate-off. Sit-on-the-fence Chris looks a bit surprised and says, "If it was up to me, I'd keep them all." That's not how you play. Jayne advises Tim to "stay in the ring" and not skate so close to the barriers, and advises Natalie to "enjoy it more". It's easy for her to say.

Natalie and Andrei skate first, and their routine is okay. Whilst taking his bow, Andrei looks resigned to his fate. [Poor Andrei. Poor me. Poor viewing public. Maybe he can skate with Tim next week; I don't really care about Victoria. - Carrie] Torvill and Dean think they skated much better this time, and jokes about Andrei's pancakes persist into a second week. Tim and Victoria skate again, and he seems to forget what he's doing a bit at the end. Carrie observes that, "Tim is a twat - and not even in a good way." Harsh but fair. He is better at skating than Natalie though, and I think that will probably see him through.

Me: "Do you think Karen will cry?" Carrie: "It's only week 2!" Karen is crying, but votes to save Natalie because Tim made mistakes. Nicky votes for Tim, who had "more skating and more content". Jason says he is voting for "performance, and someone entertaining" - Tim, in other words. [It was hilariously how he declaimed it like Brian Blessed, as though he was saying something of huge national importance. - Steve] Ruthie says she could see from their faces that one couple already felt they had lost, so she votes to save Tim. With three votes, Tim and Victoria have got through, but Head Judge Robin's (non-)casting vote goes to Natalie, for "performing better second time round".

They're treated to a quick VT of their best bits - mainly Natalie falling over a lot. We won't especially miss her - we still don't really know who she is - but we will miss Andrei and his pancakes. As Natalie says to him, "You've been the best bit!" Aww. Phil gets in a shameless plug for the fact that the losers will be appearing on This Morning on Monday.

The survivors have Just Six Days to learn another routine! Next week, Jayne and Chris will be skating to a live Westlife performance, but don't let that put you off - join us for all the latest bitching.


Amanda said...

Masterly! I am really enjoying your weekly reports :)

And I am bemused by the names of these lifts: prawn wraps, lighthouses, seahorses, blah, blah. I'm a skater, and I've never heard of them!

Carrie said...

Hi Amanda, thank you! I suspect you have never heard of them because GUBBA MAKES STUFF UP, the lunatic.