Sunday, 27 January 2008

Under and out

Show 3: 27th January 2008

So, after last week's devastating loss of Whatsername, from which we will almost certainly never recover, and the tragic midweek self-elimination of Michael Underwood after he broke his ankle in rehearsals, it is very much all go and I for one am on the edge of my seat. Literally, actually; not for reasons of tension, just because I'm more comfortable that way.

Last week! Eleven celebrities took to the ice! There was a fuckup on the scoreboard and Linda got the first six of the competition, albeit erroneously. People had problems! Tim and Whatsername were in the skate-off, and despite Whatsername being much better the second time around, the judges saved Tim anyway. Never mind, though - at least she has the joy of returning to complete anonymity. [But...WHAT ABOUT MY ANDREI? - Carrie] Tonight! Things are getting tougher! And it's all over for Michael, in footage that I'm sure will be teased and replayed constantly throughout the show.

Phil and Holly take to the podium, and Holly appears to be wearing an old dress of Marilyn Monroe's that's several sizes too large for her. [I'm actually a bit worried that she might have a wardrobe malfunction. - Georgi] [The boyfriend was watching this with me (well, he was in the same room while I was watching it), glanced at the screen and asked, "What is wrong with Holly Willoughby's breasts?" Ah, the perils of too much tape on your bosom, leaving your decolletage unyielding and shiny. - Carrie] Phil points out how the "big news this week" was Michael breaking his ankle, and definitely not the unexpected death of a young Australian actor or anything. Seriously, let's not blow this out of proportion: it was big news to people who care about this show, and I don't mean to offend any of those people, but it's hardly grounds for a leader in The Times, is it? There's a big awww from the audience, and Holly pouts, which is appropriate for her attire if nothing else. Holly tells us there will be another star, of the female variety, taking Michael's place. Who will it be? Gosherama.

Phil introduces Jayne and Chris, and to provide their musical accompaniment (and he declares this with an entirely unmerited amount of enthusiasm) - WESTLIFE! Ugh. They're singing 'World of our Own', which is one of their more bearable singles, but that's a bit like being one of the less hostile strands of MRSA, comparatively speaking. And Jayne and Chris's routine is a bit boybandy in honour of this, and it's embarrassing me, so I shall be scanning forward now. Ah, the joys of timeshift viewing. (Westlife are not on skates, in case you were wondering. Bunch of cheats.)

Phil tells us about this week's required element: the Pairs Spin - the couples have to spin in hold for a minimum of two revolutions. Sounds easy, but according to Jayne, it's pretty difficult and the celebrities have struggled with it because too much practice makes you dizzy. Chris mentions a "grey cloud" that descended after Michael had to pull out, because his big personality lifted everyone else up. And to see who's replacing him, let's join the skaters: Gareth, Linda (who has stolen Amy Winehouse's old hair), Samantha, Chris, Aggie (being carried by Sergey [What's new? - Georgi]), Steve (his future's bright. His future's Orange), Greg (who's in a tux!), and eighth is our new star, the one who everyone guessed it was: Zaraah Abrahams from Coronation Street, who's dancing with Fred. Yay, Fred! [If another celeb gets injured, do we get Andrei back? - Georgi] [Hope so. Maybe sabotage is in order. - Carrie] Following her are Tim and Suzanne. Kind of odd and anticlimatic to reveal the new contestant right in the middle of the presentation, but what do I know?

Phil gives Zaraah an extra-special welcome, just to make sure we didn't blink and miss her, and then we're on to the ads. After the break, Phil welcomes us back to "possibly the most gripping show on television." I think whoever wrote tonight's script made some kind of sacrifice to the gods of hyperbole. Holly and Phil then welcome the judges [while the music is playing, and the audience are clapping along, drowning them out - Georgi]: Karen, Nicky [who Phil is still taking the piss out of for that "poem" in week 1, I'm pleased to see - Georgi], Jason (who gets booed, natch), Ruthie, and Robin. Phil reminds us how the scoring works, and Holly invites us to get on with the show. Yes, let's. Fucking hell.

Gareth's on first, and we see his routine from last week, which was a hit with the judges. His VT tells us that he's brimming with confidence, so this week he's got an ambitious routine. Gareth tells Maria off for being negative this week, and Maria kind of looks like she wants to lamp him, but Gareth says he enjoys their relationship. They're skating to 'Wake Me Up When September Ends'. How seasonal! I know bugger all about ice-skating, but it all seems to go fairly smoothly, including the pairs lift. Gareth does a lift of Maria near the end where she does a scissor-kick thing over his head (look at my technical knowledge!) and then flies over his shoulder. I'm now informed that this is actually called a roll-up into a crucifix. I like my terms better. The scores are in, Karen 4.5, Nicky 4.0, Jason and Ruthie 3.5, and Robin 4.0, for a total of 19.5. Not too shabby, indeed. Phil congratulates them on a great start. Gareth says it was tough this week, and reminds us again that Maria has been moody. I'm sure she's very happy about that. Phil asks why Maria has been moody, and she says something non-committal about it being a lot harder this week. [I was almost expecting Gareth to say it was her time of the month. Seems like the sort of thing he'd say. - Georgi] Phil asks Jayne and Chris if they ever bicker, and Jayne says, "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." Hee. Over to Holly and the judges, and Karen congratulates Gareth for being the first male celebrity to attempt to support his partner in a roll-up. [I congratulate Maria for not being scared of being lifted by such a wimpy-looking guy. - Georgi] Jason tells Gareth to lift up his head and present the lifts, if he wants to improve. Gareth agrees with all of this, which is handy.

Next up are Linda and Daniel, hoping to get a real six this week. Their routine this week is jivey, according to Chris, and seems to involve a lot of spirit fingers. They fall a lot in rehearsals, and Linda hits Daniel, again, some more. Phil reminds us that Daniel is living with Linda while they're training, and Linda's kids talk about how great he is. Linda says that it's been fun, and she's sure they'll be friends forever. Then there's an unnecessary "comedy" shot of Daniel in a bubblebath asking for Linda to come and do his back. [Sod Dancing on Ice, give them their own sitcom. - Georgi] [It can be scheduled after Alesha's sitcom My Two Nans, which will be written by us. - Carrie]

Obligatory titanic pause before the music kicks in: it's 'Candyman'. Part of their routine involves Linda doing the mashed potato while sat on Dan's shoulders. Their pairs spin goes well, and there are lots of kicks and flicks, though I doubt the judges of Strictly Come Dancing would be all that impressed by them. Although I dare say they're much harder to do with ruddy great ice skates on your feet. Scores! 3.5 from Karen, 3.0 from Nicky, 3.0 from Jason, 4.0 from Ruthie and 3.0 from Robin for a total of 16.5 again. Phil asks Linda how it went, and Linda says her feet went a bit wrong. Nicky says "The name of the show is Dancing on Ice and at the beginning of that you showed that you can dance on ice." Well, that's cleared up any confusion, thank God. Nicky tells Linda that she needs to do more skating on her own if she wants a better mark from him in future.

Samantha and Pavel are up next, and Samantha's confidence seems to have been bolstered by not being in the skateoff last week. Samantha has even asked to do more difficult lifts. [And again we see Samantha telling Jayne, Chris, Karen and Pavel how they should be choreographing ice-dancing. Shut up, you crazy bint. - Carrie] There's a fall in rehearsals that very nearly leads to Pavel being emasculated when Samantha's boot goes into his crotch - actually ripping through his jeans, but thankfully not penetrating his underwear. Samantha laughs uproariously; I suspect Pavel finds it marginally less funny. [Poor Pavel. I worry for his manhood if he has to dance with that maniac for many more weeks. - Georgi] [I found it mildly exciting to see Pavel's underwear. - Carrie] Samantha says they will be putting "blood, sweat and tears into this routine - literally". Well, we've seen one out of the three, so I shall look forward to the other two. I assume the sweat will only be visible to viewers watching in HD, though. Damn my antiquated telly!

Sam and Pavel are dancing to 'You Can't Hurry Love', and start across the ice from each other. The beginning involves quite a lot of dancing, but not a lot of skating. Things go a bit static in the middle but there's a very impressive, if possibly slightly fumbled, lift, and the Pairs Spin is present and correct. Scores: 3.5, 3.0, 3.0, 3.5, 3.0 for a total of 16.0. Phil asks Pavel how his trousers are, and Pavel refers to it as a "close call". Samantha didn't do the splits in rehearsals, and is feeling the burn now. Robin tells Samantha that the lifts were fantastic, but she needs to work on the skating content. He also tells Pavel that this is why he was a solo skater. Hee. Ruthie tells Sam that if she can do the splits then her lines should be better, and that her routines are always just "nice", even if Ruthie's English teacher said you should never use that word. Hey, so did mine! [And probably English teachers everywhere. Although, bizarrely, I remember being told that by my Home Economics teacher. - Georgi]

Oh, what a surprise: pre-ads teaser of Michael crying after his injury. I didn't expect that at all! What do we think, six more of those by the end of the show?

Chris and Frankie are next, having scored 20.0 for two weeks' running. In rehearsals, Chris is struggling with the required element, and looking a bit tearful. He also appears to have a big zit on his forehead. "I think that'll be our big challenge this week," says Frankie. "If we pull it off, it'll be Team Fountain. If not, it'll be Team Failure!" Hee! I love her gallows humour. Chris mentions the dread word "skateoff", and Frankie scolds him. They're skating to 'Rule the World', and there's an impressive bit at the beginning where she cartwheels over his head. They also do the rollup into the crucifix (which Chris does one-footed, apparently), and end with the Pairs Spin. Scores! 5.0 from Karen, 5.0 from Nicky, 4.0 from Jason, 4.5 from Ruthie, 5.0 from Robin, for a total of 23.5. Highest score of the series. Chris says that he was trying to look at Frankie to connect with her this time around, and was worried he'd fall during the Pairs Spin. Nicky says that Chris has "very nearly" crossed over from ice-hockey player to ice-dancer. He thinks Chris can still be more fluid, but is doing brilliantly for week three. Jason tells Chris that he saw a connection between Chris and Frankie for the first time tonight, and says he wants to shake his hand. Who is this man, and what has he done with Jason?

Next: Aggie and Sergey. We're "treated" to a recap of Aggie's horrifying routine from last week. Their routine this week is to 'Total Eclipse of the Heart', which is one of my favourite songs ever, and I've already got bad memories of it from Niki on The X Factor, so I don't want more. Chris says that Aggie has problems with skating (no shit), and Aggie takes time out to compose a sonnet in Sergey's honour because he's just that awesome, apparently. [I wonder if she took any tips from Nicky? - Georgi] Like Samantha and Pavel they begin the routine apart - they start with their backs to each other so Aggie can turn around on "turn around", of course. [I loled. Straight from the Brian Friedman school of literal choreography. Also liked the big Gothic house image beamed onto the ice. - Carrie] The required element passes without incident, but Aggie trips after her knee slide and only Sergey's quick reactions stop her going over. Aggie spends a lot of her time being lifted by Sergey, to no one's great surprise. Scores: 2.5, 2.0, 2.0, 3.5(!), 2.5 for a total of 12.5, Aggie's best score so far. Aggie says that's only the second time she's stumbled in the routine, after all the times she's done it. Jayne confirms that Aggie did it well in rehearsals, and Chris thinks she was more relaxed. Ruthie says she marked Aggie high because there was a huge improvement - her lines were better, but she needs to look less ungainly when she gets lifted. Karen says it's Aggie's best week, but her marks reflected the few mistakes that Aggie made. Sergey makes Same Difference-style frantic "vote! vote!" gestures. [Sergey is great. He is very good-humoured about being lumbered with Aggie. - Georgi]

Steve Backley next. I always forget he's in this, which probably means he's going to win. He's been given a faster routine this week to get his arse in gear (Chris says the word "booty", which sounds hilarious coming out of him). Steve has problems with the arm movements in the routine, and may be in for a Greg Rusedski-level embarrassment. They're skating to 'Mony Mony' (is that how you spell it? I have no idea, don't e-mail me). His movements are quite laboured, and there do appear to be a few chunks where he does very little and Susie does all the work. [Maybe she thought doing a 1.5-rotation axel jump would detract from the fact that Steve was really doing fuck all? - Georgi] Also, his Pairs Spin is rubbish, to my eyes. Scores 3.0, 3.5, 2.0. 3.0, 3.0 for a total of 14.5. Steve thinks they did well, but is disappointed with the 2.0 because he thinks it was out of his comfort zone (drink! Twice, in fact, because he repeats it). Holly asks Jason to justify his 2.0, and Jason says that Steve isn't getting faster, he's not finishing his movements, and all of his punches looked like a little girl having a tantrum. Well, he would know. [Jason reminds me of Ming the Merciless this week. - Georgi]

Learderboard: Chris and Frankie out in the lead by quite some mileage, and Aggie and Sergey in their new des-res at the bottom.

Time to finally see what happened to Michael: he begins in high spirits learning his new routine. The fall itself isn't caught on camera [Boo! - Georgi], but we do get to see Samantha Mumba wincing in reaction to it. Mel says that Michael was doing a back-cross (whatever one of those is) [skating backwards, crossing your skates over - Georgi] and his toepick got caught on the ice, and he went over. At the hospital, Michael cries and declares it "so typical, so stupid" that this has happened, and is worried that Mel will be disappointed. He says he's never broken anything in his life before (in which case: how is this typical?) and he's gutted to be out of the competition. Michael is teary in the studio and says that he's had such a good time doing the show that he doesn't want to be remembered for this. Michael explains that he had to stop quickly to change direction and that Mel's constantly been harping on about him learning to stop properly. They'd both been hoping it was just a twist so he could carry on, but no such luck. Jayne and Chris bring the flowers, and there are more tears. I need a drink.

After the break: it's Greg and Kristina. Greg's routine is James Bond-themed [which explains that 007/911 comment Jason made on yesterday's show - if they're going to make song-related puns, at least tell us what they're skating to! - Georgi], and he has some very daring lifts to attempt. Kristina, somewhat naturally, is a bit worried about all of this, which is making Greg nervous in turn. Some bloke from The Bill tells him to be less smiley. [If you're going to get acting lessons, at least get someone famous to teach you. Or good at their job. Or Stefan. - Carrie.] They're skating to 'Licence to Kill'. A lot of the routine involves Greg standing there with Kristina dancing around him, but the lifts, once they get going, seem to go well. And his Pairs Spin is better than Steve Backley's, even if that's not saying much. Scores: 3.5, 3.5, 2.5, 3.0, 3.0 for a total of 15.5, their best score to date too. Kristina confirms she did feel safe doing the routine. Aww. [If I'm not mistaken, that's because they didn't actually do the upside-down lift that she was scared about in training. - Georgi] Jason says that it was an improvement for Greg, and having created a persona helps him because "you haven't got one". So, is that why Jason's adopted the bitchy-queen persona? I do wonder. Nicky says that Greg was less ungainly than before, which is always nice to hear, I suppose.

Here's our newbie: Zaraah, dancing with Fred, who's stuck wearing pink again. Zaraah says she got a phonecall saying "we need you, reserve!" and blows a bit of a raspberry. She's had to keep up with her skating, as a reserve, since November, but had never skated with Fred until last week. Eep. Their song is, aptly enough, 'Take A Chance On Me'. Zaraah looks really pretty in her pink dress; it's a great colour on her. She's doing pretty well, actually - she does what I can only assume is a reverse crucifix, which is a little awkward, but is good under the circumstances. Her pairs spin goes well. The whole routine could do with a teeny bit more fluidity, but other than that: colour me impressed. Scores: 4.0, 4.5, 3.0, 3.5, 3.5 for 18.5 in total. Phil asks Zaraah if it's the scariest thing she's ever done, and Zaraah is still hyperventilating. Chris says that this is her week one performance, so it's great for her to have done so well. Nicky says that she's showing straightaway that she can skate on the ice, which is important. YES, WE GET THE POINT OF THE SHOW, NICKY. Contrary to popular belief, Samantha Mumba has not whacked every member of the audience on the noggin with an ice skate. We are not suffering from brain damage. We know that the contestants need to skate on the ice, Nicky, so how about retiring that phrase from now on, eh?

Skate-off survivor Tim's up next, and is scolded by Chris and Jayne for wanting to do stuff he can already do. "That's not really where we're heading," said Chris to the camera, somewhat crossly. Chris and Victoria are skating to 'Under Pressure'. The Ironic Song Choice division really earned their pay this week, didn't they. Victoria appears to have come to the party dressed as Cyndi Lauper, by the way. Their routine is serviceable if not hugely exciting. Scores: 3.5, 4.0, 3.0, 3.0, 3.0 for a total of 16.5. Phil asks if they felt UNDER PRESSURE this week, and Tim confirms that the liquorice legs are still there. Tim says he's so unused to skating at this stage that he doesn't know what he's doing right and wrong. Chris says it's an improvement, and they're going to push him for more lifts in the future. Robin says that Tim hit the nail on the head: it's his confidence that's letting him down at this stage, but assures him that it will come. Although possibly not if he keeps ending up in the skateoff.

Adverts. We're nearly there, folks! Don't give up on me now! On the return from the break, Phil points out that Samantha is missing because she re-injured her hamstring doing the splits earlier, and more news will be coming as we know it. Y'hear that? Don't die in the next ten minutes, Hollywood actors! Your deaths will go unnoticed while we all worry about Samantha's hamstrings! Suzanne is the last to go on, and we get a clip of her being told last week to show more expression in her face. Suzanne says in rehearsals that if she concentrates on her face, her feet stop working, and vice versa. [I wouldn't be talking about "losing my face" - surely it's tempting fate after what happened last week! - Georgi] She and Matt are skating to 'Somethin' Stupid', the horrid Robbie and Nicole version. They do two Pairs Spins, one after the other, and one is quite show-offy. There's a crucifix lift that appears to go wrong, and it looks like Suzanne's about to fall, but thanks to some hard work from both her and Matt, she remains upright. Unless it was all planned and part of the leg hook - I told you I know nothing about ice-dancing. Scores: 4.5, 4.5, 3.5, 3.5, 4.5 = 20.5. Another good score, but not a personal best, just since they're in vogue this week. Karen tells Suzanne her priority should be her feet ("we are on ice, not Broadway"). Jason rolls his eyes, and says that they are still meant to be dancing on ice (JESUS CHRIST IT'S CONTAGIOUS) and that he was expecting more from her this week. Karen tells him that he's missing the point and he's got the wrong show. I'm not sure how, since the judges seem to getting paid for every time they mention the show's name this week. [Incidentally, I love that when Phil is talking to Torvill and Dean, he holds his mike out to them even though they have their own mikes and he's nowhere near close enough to pick up their voices. Hee. - Georgi]

Final shot at the leaderboard: Chris and Frankie and Suzanne and Matt at the top, and Steve and Susie and Aggie and Sergey at the bottom, but Phil reminds us that should we wish to, we can indeed turn it upside down. I do not wish to, and shall not be voting. Look elsewhere for your monies, ITV! Video recap. We were all there, we know what happened, so I shall rest my typing fingers at this stage.

The show's running over, so Phil and Holly deliver their final pieces to camera at about twice the normal speed. Samantha's back for the final line-up, and smiling, so she's not dead of a hamstring-related injury or anything. Holly reminds us to return at ten to nine for more Westlife, and if there were anything less likely to get me to tune in, I can't think what it is. But I have a duty to recap, and recap I shall, so see you all then!

Results show

Welcome back, the lines are! I still don't understand why they can't make time for a quick recap of the numbers before that.

Holly lies that they have a real treat for us, because what comes next is actually Westlife [that's "the AMAZING WESTLIFE!!!" - Georgi], singing their new single 'Us Against The World'. A truly professional writer never goes for the obvious joke, so I shall let that pass without comment. If you have ever heard a Westlife song in your life...well, I'm very sorry for you, but what I was actually going to say is, you've heard this one. Nothing new to see here, folks. And this time I'm watching in real-time so I can't even skip it. Modern technology, you have failed me! Oh look, here come the professional skaters! It's nice to watch them, actually, [when you get the chance - stupid director, who wants to see Westlife singing? - Georgi] because that's one advantage this show has over Strictly Come Dancing: the excitement generated by seeing the pros dance together is greater, because they're just so much slicker than when they're dancing with the celebrities. (No big slam on the Strictly pros, obviously, they just aren't quite so hampered by dancing with big clumping heffalumps. Most of the time.)

Oh thank God, that song's over. I think that was terrible even by Westlife's standards. Phil plugs the Make Me a Star spinoff, otherwise known as Holly Willoughby Tries To Do Something To Justify Her Salary. Recap of earlier: Gareth and Maria pulled off the lifts they were worried about, and Maria does a good job of hiding the fact that she hates Gareth. Linda feels bad for messing her feet up, but Daniel is characteristically chirpy about it. Samantha's in a lot of pain [I wanted her to say, "I'm on a lot of drugs right now..." - Georgi] and dull-aching after her hamstring injury, not entirely dissimilar to how I feel after having sat through Westlife. Chris thought his 5.0 was a mistake, like last week. Awww. [He obviously has as much faith in Nicky's marking abilities as we do. - Georgi] Aggie thinks she's done so much better and could've done much better, but Sergey is looking cheerful as ever. I quite love Sergey, but not in a sex way. Steve railing against Jason, much as everyone does. Greg focusing on the fact that there was indeed a compliment buried somewhere in Jason's usual cul-de-sac of Mean Girl. Fred and Zaraah being adorable together backstage. I'm glad they've given Fred someone he stands a ghost of a chance with, although obviously the results aren't in yet so let's not tempt fate. Tim promising to do more lifts if he's back next week. Suzanne apologising to Matt in a weird voice for tripping, Matt trying to look like he doesn't mind even though he obviously does, even if only a little bit.

Holly's back with the judges. Ruthie thinks Chris stood out tonight. Holly says it's been a night of Broadway vs. Skating, which: what? Welcome to County Nonsensical, population: one H. Willoughby. Karen tries not to look too nonplussed, but says that everyone's doing really well considering it's only week three. Format change this week: none of the results are getting announced until after the break. Controversial!

Back from the break, and Philip is SHOUTING AGAIN. I don't like Shouty Phil, but that's the hazard of hosting an ITV reality show, I s'pose. The couples who are safe, are: Greg and Kristina (who both look very surprised), Gareth and Maria (and the creature living on Gareth's head tries to atta- oh, wait, it's just his hair), Suzanne and Matt (who do a hoedown off the ice), Zaraah and Fred (yay!), Aggie and Sergey (oh Scotland, when will you learn?), Chris and Frankie (who looked like they were getting worried by their names not having been read out yet), Tim and Victoria (HUGE sigh of relief), and... Linda and Daniel. What a rubbish attempt at suspense- like the Emmerdale contestant is going to get kicked off this early. So Samantha and Pavel and Steve and Susie are in the skateoff again. Oh no, Samantha's going to have to do the splits again! [And Phil is going to have to decide for good how he's going to pronounce "Pavel". - Georgi]

Chris and Jayne advise them to give it everything - Steve has to punch harder, and Samantha has to really live the dance this time. Samantha and Pavel are skating first in the skateoff, Samantha gives it a good go, but it's perhaps a little lacking in energy, and for a second it looks like the lift may be in trouble, but they get it back together. There are no splits this time, by the way. Samantha admits as much when she steps up to meet Phil, and says apologetically that she did her best, but she's strapped up at the moment. Steve and Susie return to repeat their routine, and his punches are just as girly second time around. Hmm. Given the obvious fact that Aggie wasn't going to end up in the real bottom two for a few weeks yet, I kind of think this was a fairly fair bottom two, since neither routine was that great, and neither of them really stepped it up considering their place in the competition was at stake. Chris lies that Steve's punches were better that time, and Steve says he couldn't have given it more, which sounds like an invitation to be sent home, if you ask me.

They go back onto the ice. Karen says it's tough, but one person fought for everything: Steve. Nicky thinks there was more courage, character and energy in Steve's, so he saves Steve. Jason says that the skateoff is about fighting to stay in the competition, so he saves Steve. Ruthie says that Steve gave it all guns firing, not that it matters, and Robin would've saved Steve as well. [For fuck's sake. Sorry, Steve may have put a bit more energy into his routine, but it was still terrible! He was out of time on practically every movement. He crouched down to swing Susie under his legs about two seconds before she was ready to do it. If Steve had done his routine like that the first time round, he would still have got worse marks than Samantha. Shame on you, Ice Panel. - Georgi] [See your point, but I like Steve Backley, who looked like he was bovvered, and I don't like Mumba, who IS INJURED, and I'm worried for Pavel's safety, so - good call. - Carrie] Samantha doesn't seem too upset, and congratulates him as soon as Jason announces his vote. Samantha says she really enjoyed herself, and some flowers which match her outfit, and we see her highlights. She really has come on since her early days, since she no longer screams when she's being spun around. Samantha says she would do it all again in a heartbeat if she could, which coincidentally is almost as long as she lasted on the show anyway. Despite the bumps and bruises, Samantha says she plans to continue skating for fun. The goodbyes feel a bit forced and awkward, which makes me suspect that no one is especially sad she's going home, including Samantha herself. They skate off for her lap of honour [which: is it, strictly speaking, a lap of honour when you've just lost? - Georgi], and Pavel's testicles breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Next week is apparently 'A Night on Broadway' with the contestants all skating to songs from Broadway musicals [YAYZ! - Georgi], so expect Holly to make further impenetrable comments about ice vs musicals or whatever it is that goes on inside her pretty little head. See you then!

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