Sunday, 10 February 2008

The art of spin

Show 5: 10th February 2008

We begin with Philip delivering an ominously shouty voiceover telling us what happened over the past month, including Michael's competition-ending injury and the string of eliminations that all happened to involve female celebs. Now, says PVO, it's time for the competition to get serious. Why couldn't it get serious from the beginning? Titles!

Phil and Holly join us, and Holly's boobs seem reasonably well concealed this time around, though it's a little hard to tell in her flesh-coloured dress [she's probably got those bloody stupid flesh-coloured boots too - Carrie]. Phil tells us the competition is hotting up, and doesn't acknowledge the possibility of the ice melting as a result. Holly promises the first head-banger of the series, even though we all saw Aggie's training footage, and a selection of new lifts. The only lift that's not on offer, says Phil, is a forklift. Ho ho ho. Although frankly I'm surprised that considering the number of stupid-ass names given to lifts in ice-dancing, a forklift isn't an entirely legitimate manoeuvre. [Most of the names are invented by Gubba, to be fair. - Carrie]

And now the return of someone we allegedly missed last week, although I can't really say that I did - Christopher Dean, back on the ice with Jayne Torvill. They are skating to Eva Cassidy's 'Fields of Gold' [aka "the song from the Dead People advert", as I was trying to describe it to Georgi - Carrie], and it is very impressive and elegant, as usual. There are many impressive lifts on offer, including a reverse crucifix. See, I'm learning the lingo! I knew this blog was going to make me gayer.

Phil welcomes Christopher back to the ice, and Chris says that the ice feels like a long time. Phil mentions that Chris is setting an example on how one gets over an injury, though I daresay it's probably a little easier for him since he's surely well used to it by now. Holly asks Jayne if the skaters have improved, and well, Jayne's hardly going to say no, is she?

We welcome back our skating stars: Greg and Kristina, Suzanne (looking for all the world like Adele Silva [I thought her face had melted. - Carrie]) and Matt, Tim and Victoria, Gareth (in the gayest vest I've ever seen, and that's saying something) and Maria, Zaraah and Fred, Steve and Suzie, Linda and Daniel, and finally Chris and Frankie. Chris has a very nice electric blue shirt on, and some rather unfortunate pitstains.

This week's required element is the solo spin, which I doubt you really need to have explained to you, but part of the rule for tonight is that they must complete two revolutions. Jayne says that it's a feeling you have to feel for yourself (okay), and that some of the skating stars have found it easier than others. The ice panel are introduced, and booed by the typically rowdy audience. I still don't understand why Jason teams a scarf with a v-neck sweater every week. If your neck's so damn cold, wear a shirt with a collar, you ass. [I think it's like the importance of hats in High School Musical. He wants to make sure we don't forget he's gay. - Carrie] Holly asks Robin what the skaters need to do to impress tonight; Robin says that he's looking for the spin because the celebs can't rely on their partners to help them with this - they have to do it all by themselves. Horrorz! Phil reminds us that our opinions are just as valid as the judges, even though they probably shouldn't be.

Greg's up first, and Phil reminds us that Ruthie thought he should leave last week. The VT reminds us of Greg's promise to prove Ruthie wrong if he survived. Chris tells us that Greg takes criticism on the chin and comes back wanting to do better. There's some hilarity in rehearsals when Chris is saying "look at me!" to Greg and Greg doesn't realise that Chris is telling him what he should be saying, rather than instructing Greg to look at Chris. You can see where he'd be confused. The routine's been tailored for Greg's particular "skills" this week, and he seems to be enjoying it more. Kristina is really reminding me of Kristin Chenoweth.

They are skating to 'She's So Lovely' by Scouting for Girls. Greg's movements are still very stilted, but it's a fun and quirky routine that they seem to be really enjoying, and he manages the solo spin with no real trouble, although the lift he performs on Kristina at the end is possibly the most ugly and ungainly thing I've ever seen, including Rumer Willis. It's an "unravel", apparently. Scores are Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.5, Jason 3.0, Ruthie 3.0, Robin 3.5, for a total of 16.5. They seem fairly pleased with the scores and the way the routine went. Jayne says that Greg's made a huge improvement this week, and Chris cuts her off (so unusual!) to say that they really wanted to get what Greg wanted out of the routine. Ruthie tells Greg it was a vast improvement, but says he must never deliver less than that in future. Robin warns Greg that deportment is important regardless of how fast the music is, so Greg needs to keep his skating clean. That all seems fairly fair commentary, to my eyes. [And to Greg's, to be fair. I enjoyed it, anyway. - Carrie]

After the ads, Phil promises a magnificent seven performances still to come, which is probably a much easier promise to make now Aggie's gone. Suzanne and Matt are next, and Chris thinks she has great potential to be at the final. Suzanne says this week's routine is very physical, with lots of jumping and head movements. Jane warns that it could all go very wrong if she's not in control. Apparently in rehearsals Suzanne spontaneously suggests implementing the Headbanger. I am so sure that's totally how it happened. Matt tells us that it's called the Headbanger because if it goes wrong you will literally crack your head on the ice. Well, yeah. We got that. They're skating to 'Are You Gonna Be My Girl?' and the routine is very showy, with lots of strutting and rolling and things like that. The Headbanger passes without incident, sadly, although Suzanne's weave doesn't escape without injury. Also, I completely missed the solo spin, but there it is in the replay. Karen 5.0, Nicky 4.5, Jason 5.0, Ruthie 5.0, Robin 5.0 for a total of 24.5. Phil says that she has no idea what was being said in his ear during the Headbanger. If it's anything like what I was screaming at the screen, it was probably "fuck! Fuck! FUCK!" Matt says the Headbanger was really their only chance to show off, since Suzanne's rib injury prevents them from doing a lot of the moves. Nicky says he needs to review the performance in a video monitor because he only saw one rotation in the spin. [Nicky is SHIT. What is the point of a judge watching out for technical elements when he misses them? - Carrie] Jason says that obviously Nicky is looking at the technical element, while he is looking at a fabulous performance. I guess this means he's voting with his heart. TEN! Sorry, wrong show. Robin confirms that he saw two clean turns, but they were very quick. Well, now I can breathe easily again.

Tim and Victoria are next, and were very relieved not to be in the skateoff last week. Their routine is planned to be lots of fun, but Tim is struggling with the solo spin. Chris warns that he hasn't found the correct way to do it yet. Tim says he keeps falling on his elbow, which is a nasty reminder of just how you got it wrong. Heh. Tim is well aware that if he fucks up, he's in the skateoff. Jesus Christ, I just copped an eyeful of Tim's shirt, and how it looks like Mika's album cover ejaculated all over him. Which is because they're dancing to fucking 'Love Today', of course. Ugh, Mika, when will you go away, eh? The routine's fun, but I can't help thinking that Tim and Victoria are cheating slightly given that a large section of their routine involves sitting on the side and doing the hand jive. Tim's solo spin is wobbly and I don't think it was quite two complete turns, but he doesn't fall over, which is something. Scores: Karen 2.5, Nicky 2.5, Jason 2.5, Ruthie 2.5, Robin 2.5, for a total of 12.5. The audience boos, even though that's a fair score for the performance. [They didn't bollocking SKATE. I boo THEM. - Carrie] Phil points out that Tim ended up facing the wrong way in his solo spin. Phil also adds that Tim missed a day of training, and Tim scoffs that he doubted it would've made much difference. Heh. Karen says that the marks reflect the element being missed - he's working hard and improving, but the element was not present. Jason agrees and says that the best part of the routine was when they were sat on the step, adding that it was not indicative of a week five performance. I'm loath to agree with Jason, but he does sort of have a point there. There's an early look at the leaderboard, with Suzanne and Matt way out in front, and Tim and Victoria lagging at the bottom, with Greg and Kristina firmly in the middle. Well, that was informative. After the break, Zaraah attempts a dangerous lift. Mercy!

Back from the ads, Phil says that we've seen three skaters, and we still have a famous five to come. Can we be finished with the number-based puns now, please? Last week Gareth got into the twenties, with his hair as well as his marks, and hopes to push his score higher this week, but is struggling with the harder lifts. Aww, he says "sugar" instead of swearing! That's so cute. If a little creepy and Disneyfied in someone of his age. But the falls shake his confidence, and Maria tells him "I can only be sure in lift if you sure." Indeed. So Gareth and Maria take to the ice, and they have flames! Flames on the side of their costumes! Seriously, it looks like a primary school craft project, with coloured crepe paper hanging off them like that. They are skating to 'Blame It On The Boogie'. Some of the lifts look a little wobbly, indeed, but the rest of the routine seems competent enough, if unexciting. I don't really know what else to say about it. Scores: Karen 4.5, Nicky 4.0, Jason 4.0, Ruthie 3.5, Robin 4.0 for a total of 20, which puts him second! Not third! But given that Chris hasn't been on yet, I don't think he'll be second for long. Phil congratulates Gareth on not dropping Maria, even though that really ought to be a given. Chris thinks their relationship has got stronger. Holly asks Ruthie why the low score, and the audience boos. Ruthie jokes that her career is over after giving Gareth a low score, even though appearing on Dancing on Ice, even as a judge, implies that your career is not on the upswing. [As she's going to be in Marguerite as from the summer, I imagine it was the best she and her management could do for simple publicity. Though why Lord Lloyd Webber hasn't got her in as guest judge for I'd Do Anything, when she played Nancy last time Oliver! was in the West End, I'm not sure. - Carrie] Anyway, Ruthie says that it wasn't his best work, and thinks he can do better than this. Karen puts in that Gareth did the element, even if he didn't do it all on one foot, and that her scores reflect his "courage this week", at which point Jason and Ruthie quite rightly call bullshit.

Late-starter Zaraah is next, with lovely Fred. We see Robin complimenting her last week as one of the frontrunners. In training, Zaraah has tonsillitis, and Fred jokes that it's keeping her quiet, which is good. But Zaraah has a dangerous lift to do, the table-top lift, which we are told Chris and Frankie will also be doing later. Zaraah has trouble letting go of Fred, and Fred suggests that there are other varieties they can try if she's uncomfortable letting go, but Zaraah informs him that Chris and Frankie will be doing it properly, so they have to too. Hee. They're skating to 'Diamonds and Pearls' by Prince, and Zaraah appears to have come as an Egyptian princess this evening with her fringe glued down and covered in sparklees. [YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! - Carrie] There's a kickass move where she holds Fred by the waist as he whirls her around which impresses me very much (I think this may indeed be called a whirlaround), and they work into the tabletop lift where she does indeed let go. Hooray! Also, her solo spin kicked ass. Scores: Karen 4.5, Nicky 4.5, Jason 4.5, Ruthie 4.5, Robin 4.5 for a total of 22.5. Fred thought Zaraah was hot this week. Zaraah says that she didn't want to "beat" Chris and Frankie, she just wanted to be as good as them. Jayne compliments Zaraah's footwork at the beginning. Robin says that he's been waiting for Zaraah to become scared and nervous, but she's been delivering every week. He says that the routine was choreographed for two professionals, and compliments Zaraah's tabletop lift. Jason tells Zaraah that he loves the way she feels the music and expresses everything, and reminds us about six times that this is week three for Zaraah, which is stupid, because she's good even by week five standards, Tim. Oh, and Gareth's back in third place now, of course. Heh.

Back from the ads, and it's time for Steve. Oh, joy. Replay of Jason saying he wishes he could get rid of both of them. Steve says he is "so over Jason", and that he's been picking on them since week one. First of all, why this mention of "us", Steve? I don't think Jason is criticising Susie, somehow. Also, if you don't want Jason to pick on you, stop sucking. It's that simple. Anyway, Steven fantasises about whirling Jason around by his scarf, and gets a visit from Kyran Bracken, who teaches him about the value of emoting [and being ARTISTIC, when you are a SPORTSMAN - Carrie]. Steve and Susie are skating to 'Uptown Girl'. Steve is EMOTING like his life depends on it, and it's quite hilarious. But I'm more interested in the lighting designers' attempts to create an "uptown world" on the ice than I am in the routine itself, which is kind of dull. Scores: Karen 3.5, Nicky 4.0, Jason 3.0, Ruthie 3.5, Robin 3.0 for a total of 17 - Steve's highest score so far. Steve says that if you like the music you can give the routine everything. He says that he had to get over last week's comments, and his opening VT really suggested he was successful in that. Jayne said they tried to push Steve out of his comfort zone this week, and he showed that he could cope with. Jason cattily tells Steve that he has nothing to worry about because Steve can't even pick Susie up and spin her around. Oh no he didn't! He tells Steve he has the best spiral leg in the competition, and says he did well on the element, but his footwork is like watching someone walking on crushed glass. Nicky says that the guys don't need to do big lifts to impress him, he likes - wait for it - Dancing on Ice. He also adds "Steps on Ice", and I think I had tickets for that in 2001.

Linda and Daniel are next, and they will be skating to 'Mickey' by Toni Bassil, which explains why she and Daniel are dressed like they just skated off the set of Bring It On 6: Because We Forgot To Bring It Last Week. Linda struggles with her cheerleader moves, so she goes to see the North London Wildcats (what team? WILDCATS!) for some tips. The Wildcats do a little cheer for her at the end, and Linda's cheering at the background is quite lame. Don't give up the day job, love. Although I must say, I'm really enjoying her routine this week, even if she is still a little too reliant on Daniel holding her up for my liking. Scores: Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.0, Jason 3.0, Ruthie 3.0, Robin 3.0 for a total of 15.5. That's kind of fair, really. Daniel says it's the most difficult routine they've had so far. Phil points out that it was a solo spin that caused Linda to break her foot in training, so she's got a bit of a mental block on it. Ruthie tells Linda that she has grace, but she looks like she's stuck to Daniel all the time. Linda talks back: "Didn't you see me on my own, going all the way down the ice?" Ooh, get her. Robin points out that she's far more tentative on her own - she has the ability, she just needs to believe in herself.

Back from the final break, and it's time for Chris and Frankie to skate. I should add here that I am writing this for the second time, because fucking Blogger decided to log me out without saving what I'd written and wouldn't let me go back to the screen with all my work on it, and this was the only part I hadn't backed up. Which isn't relevant, but I just want it to be abundantly clear what a shitfaced arsewanking cocksucking piece of cunt Blogger can be sometimes. Okay. Good. So, we get a repeat of Chris and Frankie's crazy-ass routine from last week, which was awesome. Christopher Dean says that the great thing about working with Chris is that you can do more because he can do more. Chris is wearing a sweater that says "Bruised, not broken", which seems appropriate. Also, he needs to lay off the guyliner. He makes some comments about sculptors and moulding. Frankie says that they have three very hard lifts this week, and brings up the aforementioned tabletop, which she likens to the lift that Johnny and Baby do in Dirty Dancing, and adds that it was easier for them because they did it in water, for a nice soft landing. So Chris and Frankie go off to the swimming pool, and it's just as well because he drops Frankie a lot. They're skating to 'Cry Me A River' by Justin Timberlake, and Chris appears to be having some kind of fit at the beginning. These two always get stuck with the insane-looking choreography. Seriously, though, they're very good - very smooth-looking. It's hard to believe they're on the same show as Steve Backley. The tabletop lift goes well, and then Chris launches into the most ridiculously showoffy solo spin I've ever seen. And then at the end he does some streetdancing and ends with his cheek on the ice and his legs in the air. On purpose. Holy cow, you guys. Scores are in: Karen 5.5, Nicky 5.0, Jason 5.5, Ruthie 5.5, Robin 5.5 for a total of 27. Holy fuck. Chris is very sweaty and his mascara is running [he still had the make-up on from last week's Timewarp! - Carrie]. Chris says that he felt a lot of pressure after Fred and Zaraah nailed the tabletop lift, but it went just as they planned it. Christopher Dean says that Chris is challenging them, because it's hard for them to find stuff to do with him, and the great thing about him is that he's not plateauing, he's getting better. An emotional Karen (a shocker, I know) says that she's shocked by Chris's ability, and he doesn't know how good he is (drink!). Jason declares the performance "sublime" and says that the only thing that stopped it from being a six was Chris being a little bit heavyhanded on the dismount in the high lifts.

So Chris and Frankie are at the top of the leaderboard again, and Tim and Victoria are at the bottom. Time for the audience to start voting! Join us for the results at 8.30pm...


By the end of the show, someone will be leaving the ice for good! It had better be a bloke this time, dammit.

Titles! Is it just me, or do they look like a Butlins advert?

As usual, there are twenty seconds left to cast our votes. Quick! Dial! Dial! No time left! Argh! etc. Before those all-important results come out, we get a recap of tonight's show. Greg was improved and excited Ruthie, and was gleeful backstage to have received such positive comments. Kelly from Emmerdale - sorry, Suzanne Shaw - did really well and Matt thought the Headbanger was the closest it had ever been to the ice, so Suzanne hopes not to be in the skateoff. Tim and Victoria were lame and sat down, although Tim claimed to have done his best on the spin. Gareth was BRAVE this week, according to Karen, and Jason took exception to that. Maria wants to risk more lifts if they're still here next week. Zaraah and Fred were both professional, and Zaraah felt the music. Fred points out that any positive comment from Jason is always good. Hee. Steve had the best spiral leg in the competition, but was still boring as all fuck. Steve says that's all he had to give, and if that's not enough he should go home. Damn straight. Linda was inconsistent and can't skate without Daniel holding her hand. And Chris and Frankie were in a different league entirely, and almost made Karen cry. A less sweaty backstage Chris has no idea what he's in for next week. I'd say IF HE'S STILL HERE, but that pretty much seems a given, doesn't it?

Holly asks Jason who surprised him, and he says he was surprised by Linda, who's slipping in comparison to Suzanne and Zaraah. He adds that when skating solo, she's not putting much content of her own in. Robin says that it's getting tough, and there were some great performances, but that they start again from square one next week.

Phil has the results *touches ear*, and the couples who are safe are: Gareth and Maria, Greg and Kristina, Chris and Frankie, Zaraah and Fred, Suzanne and Matt couple who will find out after the break, naturally.

We're back, and the sixth couple to be declared safe is...Linda and Daniel! So it's Tim versus Steve in the skateoff, and finally some of the dead wood is going to get cut loose, thank God. They skate off to get ready, and Victoria stops to pick something up off the ice, but I can't see what it is. I hope for her sake it's Tim's sense of balance. Holly reminds Jayne that it's Steve's third skateoff, and Jayne says he did well earlier and just need to repeat it. Chris adds that Tim is no stranger to the skateoff either, and needs to find his confidence.

Tim and Victoria are the first couple to repeat their routine, and it's more or less the same as it was the first time, but with a bit more gusto. This time Tim manages two complete solo spins, but loses his balance and flies towards the judges, managing to right himself just in time. It's pretty funny. Phil points out that he thought Tim was going to headbutt Jason, and Tim says that if he could've found him while he was spinning, he probably would've done. Heh. Chris says it was a great performance up until the very end. Steve and Susie return to the ice to cries of "Steve-o! Steve-o!" Oh dear. Steve's quite wobbly in his second performance, and I can't remember if he was that wobbly first time around or not, but he lifts his foot up for the solo spin this time, so bravo to him for that. [I like his ACTING. - Carrie] They finish in perfect synch with the music, which they didn't first time around, so that's a bonus. Steve tells Phil that he can't take any more of this, but he feels like it went well the second time around, aside from a little hiccup in the middle. Chris says Steve is consistent, but consistency is less of a positive attribute when you're being consistently average, surely? (That last sentiment was mine, not Christopher Dean's, just for the sake of clarity.) [Christopher Dean may well share that sentiment. It's the kind of MEAN-SPIRITED comment he might wheel out. Whatever happened to points for courage? - Carrie]

Time for the judges' vote: Karen says there were mistakes on both, but the spin cost Tim dearly, so she votes to save Steve. Nicky votes to save Steve also, for a super spin and a lovely spiral. Jason also votes to save Steve, "the luckiest man on ice". Ruthie says Tim has a great spirit but votes for Steve, and Robin makes it a clean sweep. Dude has more lives than a cat. Phil points out that the flowers match Tim's outfit, and Holly adds that any colour would. Hee. Tim says that he thinks he's found his level and that everyone's doing really well. On Tim's best bits, he says that he doesn't need to fall, he's just doing it for the sake of the tape. Heh. His clips are pretty good, actually, all things considered, but I can't say I'm going to miss him. Or even remember he was on the show in the first place, in all likelihood. Tim and Victoria skate off for their lap of honour, Phil promises that next week's show will contain an opening skate from all of the contestants as the show goes back to the sixties. Sounds fun. See you next Sunday!


N/OutofFashion said...

Loved reading this, as ever!

Lost Boy said...

I thought Suzanne had stolen Heidi Sugababe's head for the evening. If those two carry on using mascara at this rate there'll be worldwide shortages of Maybelline by March.

Amanda said...

Let alone a worldwide shortage of Swarovski crystals. Zaraah was wearing a chandeliers worth on her own!