Week 6 - 17th February 2008
Tonight! Dancing on Ice is swingin' (ew, not like that) to the sound of the Sixties! There'll be Jayne'n'Chris, there'll be more big lifts, big spins and big scores, there'll be psychedelia (and songs from Hairspray, apparently), there'll be black and white footage, there'll be Sixties puns ("Who will twist and shout? Who will get the hippy-hippy-shakes?" VOs Phil), and, though they don't preview this, there'll be injury porn! Titles!
Ooh. Phil and Holly do not appear and introduce Jayne and Chris - instead, our erstwhile gold medallists burst onto the ice and begin a routine to Twist and Shout, and are joined by Matt and Suzanne; the music changes to Dancing in the Street, when Linda and Dan take to the ice as well. Kristina and Greg and Steve and Susie are being kept out of the way and tapping their feet on the edge of the rink, and are then permitted to skate across. The music changes to Hippy Hippy Shake, when Zaraah and Fred and Gareth and Maria join in, then Chris (with more bizarre eye make-up) and Frankie, and then Jayne and Chris finish off with Shout, and all the contestants form a big long skating conga, with Steve, Greg and Linda left in the middle doing a rather lame-looking lift sequence. Well done all. [I tuned in halfway through this routine and didn't realise for a second that the celebrities were all taking part. But then I spotted Greg... I am liking all the pretend knee-high boots. - Georgi]
Aha, here are Phil and Holly. Holly is allowed to say the first lines! She says them at a very high pitch, though, for some reason. Dress watch - strapless, black, with a silvery thing around the bosom. Her hair looks lovely. Jayne and Chris enthuse about their skating charges.
This week's required element is a move designed and named by the contestants. For fuck's sake. They are not Head Judge Robin Cousins, who invented his own type of spiral. [Or Gubba, who makes up names of moves every week. - Georgi] Chris says that it is the contestants' moment to shine, and they have had to censor some of the names. Jayne says everything is all very interesting and different. I remain unconvinced.
Phil introduces the Ice Panel, who are wearing "hot pants and mini-skirts behind the desk, and that's just the men." LULZ. [Now that's an image I neither needed nor wanted in my head while I was trying to eat my dinner. - Georgi] Karen, Nicky, Jason (booooooo!), Ruthie and Head Judge Robin Cousins are all present and correct. Holly is having fun with Sixties-themed puns. Robin wants the contestants to be comfortable and also Sixties. That's cleared that up, then. [And Nicky, no doubt, wants them to be dancing. On ice, no less. - Steve]
Phil reminds us that we have to vote too. Whatever. Gareth and Maria are the first to skate tonight. We see last week's Blame it on the Boogie routine, and Ruthie telling him to keep taking risks. Chris says that Gareth had a lack of confidence last week and was coping with a lot of emotional issues. Chris and Gareth are sitting by the side of the rink, having a Manly Chat. The ladies - Jayne, Maria and Karen - are watching them and looking vaguely pissed off. Gareth's unique move is called the Surfing Spreadeagle. He is looking forward to seeing everyone else's routine to see if their moves are as good as his, but he doesn't think they will be.
ZOMG THEIR COSTUMES. Gareth's shirt is yellow, his trousers are multicoloured stripes, and Maria's dress is black and white checks with yellow blobs. She does however have pink boots, which are odd, but quite nice. [What did Gareth do to earn the ire of the costume designers? No one should ever be forced to wear those trousers, EVER. - Steve][They are more circus-themed than Sixties-themed - Georgi] They're skating to I Get Around. The Surfing Spreadeagle is present and correct. The audience are clapping along. It's a reasonably fun routine. Gubba seems to think it was Austin Powers-themed. Scores - Karen 4.5, Nicky 5.0, Jason 4.5, Ruthie 4.5, Robin 4.5, for a total of 23.0 - their HIGHEST-EVER SCORE. Gareth jabbers some more about inventing his own move. Maria smiles through gritted teeth, but you can almost see the thought-bubble above her head - "I MISS DUNCAN FROM BLUE." Nicky wants to encourage Gareth, and says that he was "dancing on ice" and also "lifting on ice". FOR FUCK'S SAKE, SLATER, we KNOW what the name of the show is by now. Jason reiterates that Gareth was dancing on ice. They're taking the piss, aren't they? [I LOLed. - Steve]
After the break! Zaraah and Fred! Chris and Frankie injury porn!
Phil welcomes us back, and reminds us that it is Sixties night, making a rather strange Paul McCartney gag in the process. Lovely Zaraah and lovely Fred are next. Jayne says it is a big thrill to see her progress so far in such a short time. Zaraah and Fred beam at each other while VTing about their rehearsal. Their unique move is the Seesaw Lift [which looks good, but doesn't have any seesawing kind of motion to it, so I judge the name a bit - Georgi]. Jayne and Chris have choreographed some steps for them that they've used themselves, so Zaraah is keen not to let them down. Bless.
They're skating to The Locomotion. They're both in silver - Zaraah in a little flippy dress and some truly hideous spandex trousers, and Fred in a shiny shirt, sensibly unzipped to mid-chest, and black trousers. I like this routine, and I like Zaraah, but while I'm watching it I can't help but hear Arlene shouting about arms - they're not very synchronised and the movements aren't quite sharp enough. [And in my one alloted technical observation of the week, I note that Zaraah's spiral leg needs serious work. - Steve] However, the footwork is good, and the Seesaw is there too. Scores - Karen 4.5, Nicky 4.0, Jason 4.5, Ruthie 4.5, Robin 4.5, making a total of 22.0. Anyone think Nicky might have been marking relatively? Zaraah says she is not scared when they are doing lifts because she's with Fred, only scared when she's by herself. Jayne says she is becoming more and more fearless. Can you get more and more fearless? Either you have fears or not, surely? Ruthie says that Zaraah is a natural actress and a beautiful performer. That's handy, seeing as she's a bloody actress. [Hands up if you'd like Ruthie Henshall to tell you she's a "big fan"? - Georgi] [God, me. I'd give most things in exchange for Ruthie Henshall's admiration. - Carrie] Zaraah and Fred hug.
Chris and Frankie were all kinds of awesome, as well as a bit funny, last week. We see Chris crashing around a lot in rehearsal. Chris Dean says that the problem is that Chris F has to think a lot quicker than normal. His unique move is called The Worm, leading to much lolarity when Chris Dean shouts, "Chris, show me your worm!" [I really don't think The Worm counts as a unique move, and Chris certainly didn't invent it, which I thought was the point of this exercise. All he did was put some ice under it. - Steve][He did rename it though, which surely counts for something. - Georgi] With only two days to go, they are still struggling with the routine, and then Chris drops Frankie on her poor little head. [Contrary to popular perception, she doesn't shatter into a million pieces like a little china doll. Let's see a replay in slow-motion just to make sure though! - Georgi] She cries. Chris cuddles her and apologies. She says, "It's not your fault!" Kind of is, Frankie, and to be fair to Chris, he does admit that.
Anyway, they're all Union Flagged up [Frankie's Union Jack eye make-up is a bit much - Georgi], and skating to My Generation. There's lots of complicated step sequences at the start. Am I being harsh, or not getting the point of the routine, or does Frankie look a bit shaky? Anyway, he doesn't drop her on her head, which is a good thing. These two look good even when it's fumbly, because they're that much quicker across the ice. Well, I didn't think that routine was their best, but at least there was no serious injury. Scores - Karen 5.0, Nicky 4.5, Jason 5.0, Ruthie 5.0 and Robin 5.0, for a total of 24.5. Chris witters on about it being scary when you drop your partner. I'd argue that it's scarier for YOUR PARTNER, you daft boy. Interestingly, Frankie seems quite subdued, saying that she's "OK" rather than brushing off enquiries about her health. Robin tells Chris that the hockey player was allowed to reemerge tonight. Jason says he did not see any fear in Chris's face going into the lift, and Chris shouts, "I'm an actor!" I'll leave the jokes to Steve, I think. [I plead the fifth. - Steve] Jason criticises the worm, saying that his godchildren can do that move in the front room, and he wanted to see something more spectacular on skates ON ICE. Phil laughs about Jason not liking Chris's little worm. Are we 12 years old all of a sudden?
After the break! Steve Backley comes back fighting! Suzanne Shaw does a handstand! Srsly!
During the break! What on earth is Rock Rivals? It looks AMAZING. [It's from the makers of Bad Girls and Footballers' Wives, and it's set behind a fictitious version of The X Factor. I concur, it looks AWESOME. Let's recap it! - Steve]
Phil welcomes us back again, and is talking to fucking Bonnie fucking Langford [FUCK THE FUCK OFF! - Georgi], who chats on about [/plugs TO DEATH - Georgi] the Dancing on Ice live tour, and Andi Peters. FUCK OFF.
Oooooooooh, look at Steve Backley's ARMS. C'mon, Bitches, I know sport isn't your thing, but LOOK. We see footage of ungainliness in rehearsals. Steve and Susie's unique move is called The Boomerang [because they want to Come Back! - Georgi]. Steve enthuses about how much he is enjoying competing. I think he's well aware of his limitations, but it's a challenge to him.
Before the routine starts, Steve kisses Susie's hands. Aw. Steve is in black, with sparkles over his top, and a gold belt [ARE YOU WATCHING ME? - Steve], and Susie has a golden dress with golden boots. Steve is singing along. Cute! They are slow across the ice, but there's something about them that reminds me of David Seaman and Pam - possibly just that he's very chivalrous towards her when they're skating, looking very concerned to get her back on the ice safely. The routine ends with Steve demonstrating his spiral leg, as admired by Jason last week. Scores - Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.0, Jason 3.5, Ruthie 4.0 and Robin 4.0 for a total of 18.0 - their best score. Jayne says that Steve has been more determined than ever. Steve and Susie nod in agreement. Nicky has to explain his 3.0, and is booed. [Hee. I liked the way Willoughby demanded he explain himself, like a strict schoolteacher, and he looked suitably sheepish. - Georgi] C'mon, Nicky, say you're judging relatively! I miss that! [I will never get drunk at this rate. - Georgi] He says that Steve is hamstrung by his artificial hip. So, what, you're marking him down for having an artificial hip? I thought marking him up for doing relatively better would be more up your street? He encourages Steve to get faster, which is fair enough. Ruthie says it looked like they enjoyed it, and he had a new sense of confidence. Steve and Susie nod in agreement again. Ruthie says, "You have such an ease on that ice that is so attractive to look at - and so are you!" Hehe. Good girl, Henshall! [Tee hee. Ruthie hearts Steve. - Georgi] She notes that he slows to a stop when he's putting Susie back on the ice, and tells him not to. No, Steve, chuck her back on the ice! Let her sort herself out!
Suzanne's face looks weird still. Has she had Work done, or is it just make-up? Last week, she and Matt did the Headbanger, but this week is Even More Challenging and Complex. Their unique element is a Walkover, which Jayne has never seen done on the ice, and which Suzanne can do perfectly well on dry land but not on ice. [Again, it's not exactly a unique move that she invented, is it - she's just doing it On Ice. - Georgi]
They're skating to Walk On By, and their outfits are teh dinky. Suzanne's dress is red and white quarters, as is Matt's top. [Yes, finally someone with matching outfits. Yayz! - Georgi] They do some lovely acting and some impressive acrobatics, although she does catch him in the jaw with her calf at one point. The Walkover goes fine, leading into some spins at the end, with a bit more acting, and an abrupt end to the music. Aw, I like this routine. Gubba tells us that Suzanne has had a tummy bug over the past 24 hours, caught off her Darren Day-fathered son [/Plague-ridden Spawn of the Devil - Georgi]. Scores - Karen 5.5 (overmarked, perhaps for courage?), Nicky 4.0 (undermarked, perhaps relatively?), Jason 5.0, Ruthie 4.5 and Robin 4.5, for a total of 23.5. Karen is shocked that people haven't agreed with her marking, and shouts at her colleagues. Is she drunk? [She's not Arlene. - Georgi] Nicky says he gave a 4.0 because there wasn't very much skating. [Never bothered him when he was marking Bonnie Fucking Langford. - Georgi] He is booed. [Seriously, did Nicky accidentally eat Jason's bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning? Bollocks was that a four, and I don't even really like Suzanne. Mind you, 5.5 was absurd too. Sit the hell down, Karen. - Steve] Jason shouts something about dancing on ice, then repeats himself, clutching his head in the hands. Karen and Nicky proceed to bicker. [Hooray! Drink! - Georgi] Holly tries to control them, unsuccessfully. Phil shouts, "Shut up, for goodness sake!"
Still to come - Greg and Linda. Whoop-de-doo. [I don't know how they decide the order of skating, but I can't help but feel they should have interposed the people who were obviously going to be better with the shit ones, instead of starting off well and going downhill. - Georgi]
Phil welcomes us back again and informs us that the judges have been arguing throughout the break. [Good - I have been drink!ing throughout the break - Georgi] The judges pretend that they like each other really. Greg and Kristina are skating next. They are rehearsing a move where Kristina lies on the ice and Greg jumps over her. She squeals every time he does it. It's taken out of the routine, though, because the music is slow and the Leap of Death doesn't work. "I really liked it!" "It didn't suit the music!" "But I really liked it!" "It didn't suit the music! Too bad!" Greg complains about transitions being too slow, and the routine not playing to his strengths. The unique move is a Lenko Lift, ie named after Kristina, and it's not really very enthralling. [I thought Greg was supposed to invent it. Doesn't Kristina get to do choreography all the time? - Georgi]
They are skating to Hey Jude, with Greg in militaryesque Beatles-style jacket [which: couldn't they at least have skated to something from Sgt Pepper? - Georgi], and Kristina in a bizarrely big and feathery mini-dress, and amazing false eyelashes. They beam at each other the whole way through, which is nice. The big lift doesn't really come off because Greg is so slow across the ice, but there's no peril, at least. Scores - Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.0, Jason 2.5, Ruthie 3.5 and Robin 3.5 for a total of 16.0. Greg says that Jason has it in for him. Jason explains his score - "You have the charisma of cardboard. There is absolutely no oomph in your performance whatsoever." Greg tries to shout back, "Takes one to know one!", but it's really not working. He also says, "Jason, I might make it to the finals, and then we'll see." Jason responds, "If you're in the finals, I won't be." Ooh. This is getting a bit ugly. Phil reassures us that Jason won't quit, because he's under contract. Heh. [Jason might have just convinced quite a lot of people to vote for Greg on the off-chance though. - Georgi]
Linda and Dan are the last couple to skate tonight. She's sulking about Ruthie's criticism that she doesn't skate by herself enough. Dan takes the piss out of her. Jayne says the comments from the judges were fair, and Linda is taking that on board now. [Drink! - Georgi] Their unique move is called the Lusardi Levitation, because her legs are hooked round Dan's waist, but her arms are up and Dan's arms are out. [Which...really not at all levitation, just very strong thigh muscles, but I can see how that's less appealing, alliteratively speaking. - Steve] The excitement!
They're skating to Son of a Preacher Man. Dan is in black trousers and a black and white striped jacket, and Linda is in a black and white spotty and sparkly dress. Linda tries to look sultry and seductive at the judges' table; Dan strips off his jacket. Wooooooo! Linda is definitely skating by herself a lot this week. She looks awkward when she has to turn, but at least she's not gripping on to Dan's hand the entire time. There's a minor slip, but again no peril. It is a cute routine. Scores - Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.5, Jason 4.0, Ruthie 4.0 and Robin 4.0, for a total of 19.0. Phil is happy that Linda danced ON ICE by herself. Robin repeats that Linda danced ON ICE by herself. D'you think they're playing their own drinking game? Ruthie says she loved it and she loves Linda for taking criticism on the chin and coming back fighting.
That's it - Chris and Frankie are top, and Greg and Kristina are bottom. WHAT WILL HAPPEN? Who can say? The results will be available to Phil via his earpiece in one hour's time!
Earlier tonight! These seven couples danced ON ICE for our votes! Now we have to get rid of one of them forEVAHZOMGZ. Time for the skate-off and 20 minutes' worth of filler.
Phil reckons the competition couldn't have been more tense on Sixties' Night. Holly explains the concept of the skate-off. The lines close. Goodness, the atmosphere is electric.
A recap of what happened earlier, what was said backstage, and the judges' blazing row. "Blazing row". Whatevs. Gareth DANCED ON ICE and was happy, and Maria makes a biting comment to remind him that he doesn't skate by himself; Fred and Zaraah feel like they have been there the whole time; Chris was upset that Jason didn't like his move, and points out that someone did it last year. IT'S NOT FUCKING UNIQUE THEN, IS IT, YOU CRETINOUS FOOL? Steve really doesn't want to be in the skate-off, but will be ready if necessary; the judges' argument is shown again; Suzanne doesn't understand why Nicky scored her so low, because her routine was about DANCING ON ICE; the Ice Panel continue to fight during the break, and Karen pulls a total bitchface while Jason, of all people, plays conciliator; Greg doesn't think Jason was fair to him; Robin thought Linda DANCED ON ICE and she was happy with the routine and the scores. Dullness.
Holly claims it has been a night of high drama, and asks Head Judge Robin Cousins what he thought of the routines overall. He liked them all because everyone upped their game, and confirms that it is OK to disagree. I love Head Judge Robin Cousins. [I loved that his example was that some people might like Chris, while others might like Frankie. THEY'RE ON THE SAME FUCKING TEAM! - Steve]
Phil is ready with the *touches ear* results, in no particular order. The first couple skating next week is - Suzanne and Matt! Also safe are - Greg and Kristina, for fuck's sake. Clearly Georgi was right in that the viewing public are hoping to oust Jason. Chris and Frankie! Gareth and Maria! And the final couple who are safe, will, obviously, be revealed after the break.
Right, so the commercials are over, and we're down to the final three. Zaraah and Fred, Steve and Susie, and Linda and Dan are standing in the middle of the rink. Zaraah and Susie are holding hands. The fifth couple who will skate next week - Linda and Dan!
Bollocks. That means cheerio, Steve, then, doesn't it? Fuck it. Poxy bloody phone votes. [I'm sorry, what? Are we not focusing on the fact that the RACIST BRITISH PUBLIC have left lovely Zaraah needlessly in the bottom two? Fuck Steve fucking Backley, his number was up weeks ago. - Steve] [You can focus on that, if you like. I am more upset at losing Steve. - Carrie] Jayne is surprised that Zaraah is in the bottom two. Chris says that Steve knows what to do as this is his fourth skate-off in a row. Sigh. Zaraah and Fred go first; Steve and Susie second, and this is a foregone conclusion. I am angry. Even if only for superficial reasons. I am robbed of my Andrei, Pavel and now Steve? While bloody whiny Gareth Gates and clumpy old Greg Rusedski are still there? Steve says he tried his hardest to bend his knees more, but he knows it's a tough ask against Zaraah. [Who should not be there. WHY ARE YOU NOT MORE ANGRY ABOUT THIS? I am furious, pink. - Steve] [But what is point? Steve is going. Zaraah is safe. C'est un foregone conclusion, as I said. Steve hasn't been the worst skater in any week. I am still Team Backley. - Carrie] Aw.
The Ice Panel's verdict - Karen saves Zaraah, and weeps; Nicky thanks Steve and Susie for their contribution, and saves Zaraah; Jason saves Zaraah, with a nasty little barb; Ruthie says that Steve is wonderful, but she must save Zaraah; and Robin saves Zaraah too. Zaraah cries. Steve and Susie skate off to collect their bouquets. Steve is disappointed, but feels that he "got away with it. Having a prosthetic hip is a big deal...I had to get over that inhibition." He is pleased to have met so many wonderful people. Susie cries. We see a Montage of Steve's best bits. Steve's little girl is crying and crying in the audience. Oh noooo. Steve and Susie do a lap of honour. Next week - an unassisted jump! I literally cannot wait. CANNOT WAIT. Join us then!