Sunday, 24 February 2008

Jayne and Chris'll make you jump

Week 7 - 24th February 2008

Last week! Greg and Jason had a lovers' tiff! The judges all fought amongst themselves! (We drank!) Steve Backley got voted out - Carrie was sad, but nobody else was that bothered. [I bet Ruthie was. - Carrie] This week! The celebrities have to do a solo jump - high injury porn potential, so don't go away!

Here are Jayne and Chris! In an attempt to be topical, they're doing their routine this week to 'Valerie' by Amy Winehouse, although she didn't actually win a Brit award. [Although it's Mark Ronson whose name is credited first, and he did get one, so it sort of works. - Steve] Phil points out in his introduction that Jayne and Chris may have gold medals but they don't have a Brit award - for goodness' sake, Phil, don't give Chris ideas. He's so insanely competitive he'll be in the studio before you know it. I don't know about anyone else, but the popularity of this song pisses me off because the Zutons' original version was much better and Mark Ronson is a waste of fucking space. [That much hotness could never be a waste of space, trust me. - Steve] Anyway. Jayne and Chris are doing their usual trick of making all the contestants look bad when they haven't even skated yet.

Phil has his usual quick chat to Jayne and Chris - this week, Jayne's blade cut Chris's arm and he punched her in the nose in retaliation. It's a shame we don't get to see their rehearsals, isn't it?

There are six couples left in the competition, and they are: Zaraah and Fred; Greg and Kristina; Gareth and Maria; Linda and Daniel (in a disturbing skate-country ensemble); Chris and Frankie; Suzanne and Matt. It's only three weeks until the final, so what is the atmosphere like backstage? Jayne confirms predictably that it's "getting more tense and everyone wants to do the best they can." This week's required element is "the toughest one yet": the unassisted jump. There follows a short VT explanation, although it's completely self-explanatory. Phil observes that people you'd think would do well are struggling and vice-versa, but actually I'm not that surprised, because the people who get the high scores aren't necessarily that good at skating - Greg, for instance, is probably not having too much trouble, I imagine.

Holly introduces the judges, slightly unfairly describing Karen as "the most scary Barber since Sweeney Todd". There is nothing scary about Karen Barber. [Except when her mascara runs. - Carrie] Krez - now she was scary. Note - la Willoughby has put her tits away tonight for a change, all the better not to scandalise Daily Mail readers, but possibly alienating her target audience. Awww, Nicky has just had a baby today! Well, his wife has. Begging the question: would he have still turned up for the show if she was still in labour? [No, apparently. He was not expecting to make it to Elstree in time. - Carrie] He wants to call it Tiger Slater, but it sounds as though his wife is not a complete idiot. [Now, I THINK Nicky was joking. But his delivery of the gag is not what it should be, so nobody laughed. - Carrie] Robin says that the contestants are "on the home stretch", so they need to perform as a team (I'm kind of struggling to see how they could not), show us their skating, do some great moves, etc, etc. It also sounds like he wants the audience not to play silly buggers with the final line-up - subtext: don't vote for Greg!

Zaraah and Fred are first up. She was in the skate-off last week, but clearly better than Steve. However, this week they're having problems because, according to Jayne, "Zaraah doesn't like the idea of jumping". That is a bit of a setback. In rehearsals, she's barely leaving the ice. Does that even count? "I can't do it," she whinges. Fred is being quite reasonable, probably because he remembers what it was like skating with Kay Burley last year. Zaraah's mum has turned up to cheer her on [along with what I assume are Zaraah's younger brothers, one of whom is interested solely in texting rather than cheering his sister on - Carrie], but no nans in sight as yet. Presumably they're being kept under wraps for a later stage in the competition.

They're going to be skating to... wait for it... 'Jump', probably in the style of Girls Aloud. I think they've taken it all a bit literally. [Has Brian 'NotLouis' Friedman taken over creative direction and brought his literal choreography skills to bear on the evening? - Carrie] Dear me. Hopefully later in the show we can look forward to Greg and Kristina skating to Kris Kross's 'Jump' and Linda and Daniel skating to House of Pain's hip-hop anthem 'Jump Around'. Back to this routine though, and it's not great - Zaraah's stumbling a bit on the steps and is a bit out of time. [I'm not entirely sure that's her fault - no one else had their backing track butchered in the editing room tonight like Zaraah did. Seriously - what the fuck was that? - Steve] Her jump is a single toeloop, but blink and you'll miss it - she barely left the ice. The judges scores are: Karen - 4.0, Nicky - 4.5, Jason - 3.0, Ruthie - 3.5, Robin - 3.5, for a pretty poor total of 18.5.

Zaraah says that it was one of her favourite routines and she doesn't know what happened. Fred admits that it was "not our best performance", while Chris laments the fact that they had "done it in practice so well" and Jayne optimistically points out that at least Zaraah landed the jump. Holly goes straight to Jason for his comments, and Jason is all like, "What jump?" I have to agree. "I thought you were being rather ironic." LULZ. He thought the routine this week was "very disappointing" and Zaraah has lost a lot of confidence with it, and her "facial expression was painted on". Nicky says that he "liked the energy and content, but it was stuttery in places and you missed an element coming out of the lift... but the fact that you can do so much in a week is always amazing to me." Whatever.

Still to come - Greg and Gareth (not together, this isn't Blades of Glory), and Chris attempts a jump never seen before on Dancing on Ice. Cue falling-over porn!

Break!

Greg and Kristina are next to skate. Last week Jason called Greg dull and uncharismatic, then - lest we forget - threatened not to turn up for the final if Greg got through. It's not like the judges do anything in the final anyway, is it? Chris: "Greg's on fire this week". Phil voiceovers that the jump plays to his strengths - because he's actually good at skating. (I added that last bit, by the way.) Chris: "He likes to jump, be it a little out of control, and it's not a skating jump, it's a made-up Greg jump." Kristina says that they're going for quantity rather than quality, which I'm not sure is a valid tactic in ice dance, but we'll see.

They're skating to Supergrass's 'Alright' and, showing off, they do a whole series of jumps. [I'm surprised Jason didn't point out what a ridiculously inaccurate song choice this was for Greg, since he is not YOUNG, like he did with Aggie. Although admittedly whether Greg runs green or not is probably not public knowledge. - Steve] I think I counted about seven or so. Unfortunately Greg loses his balance on the last one, which according to Gubba was the one he wanted the judges to score. Whoops. Gubba describes Greg as "like a frog on happy pills". The scores are expectedly poor: Karen - 4.0, Nicky - 4.0, Jason - 3.0, Ruthie - 3.0, Robin - 3.0, for a total 17, their highest score so far, but presumably one that will leave them languishing at the bottom of the judges' leaderboard again.

Greg say that he's "disappointed I didn't make the last jump, but it was fun." Chris rather unhelpfully says, "No guts, no glory!" and says that Greg reminds him of "a little boy at a wedding" when they're choreographing. Here's an idea: why didn't you choreograph it with one jump and actually make sure he could do it without falling over? Holly tries to start a fight again by talking to Jason, but Ruthie interrupts, "Don't talk to Jason about Greg! He loves you, he thinks you're going to go all the way." Jason, once he manages to get a word in, says he "can't argue with the fact that it was entertaining... but for all the wrong reasons. Your jumps looked like you were dodging bullets... Do you deserve to be in the competition?" The audience cheers, "Yes!" Ha ha. Serves you right for asking stupid rhetorical questions.

Gareth and Maria are the next couple to take to the ice. Chris thought Gareth's performance last week was "fantastic", stripey trousers notwithstanding. Gareth is also struggling with the jumps though. "Greg's a sportsman so he can jump, Chris is an ice hockey player so he can jump, I'm just a musician." Oh, fuck off. Yes, just because Greg's a sportsman, that means he can do anything? Last time I checked, there wasn't that much jumping in ice hockey either, so stop making bloody excuses. In training, Gareth asks Karen how everybody else's jump is going, and she rightfully tells him to concentrate on his own jump. Fuck's sake. Gareth: "We still have that fighting spirit and we will fight to the end." I think Maria's getting sick of him. I am too. [And me. - Carrie] [And me. And I hate the way he always says "we" when talking about his difficulties, because I'm fairly certain Maria isn't having the same problems. - Steve]

They're skating to 'Sweet Talkin' Woman' by ELO, and the jumps are fine, so put that down as another VT edited for melodramatic effect. Gubba says the routine was "quietly consistent". They were out of time on the spin though. The scores are: Karen - 4.5, Nicky - 5.0 (marking relatively again), Jason - 4.5, Ruthie - 4.5, Robin - 4.5, for a not-too-shabby total of 23. [They are overmarking him so much. He's competent, yes, but he's also boring as hell. - Steve]

Gareth loved the jumps, apparently, and Chris observes that "Everyone's a bit nervous tonight." Not surprising really, is it, since, as they keep pointing out, people have usually been skating for at least a year before trying to learn jumps. Robin says that his mark would have been a 5.0 if the lift had gone better, but Gareth's "control and confidence are brilliant to see" and with the overall performance he's really put himself in the running.

Time for a quick look at the leaderboard - Gareth and Maria are at the top, Greg and Kristina are at the bottom, with Zaraah and Fred in between.

Still to come - Linda and Chris, and "Will Suzanne cause a stir with the judges again this week?" There's nothing like a good argument between the judges.

Break!

Linda and Daniel are up next. Jayne tells us that "Linda has found new confidence" and is doing the jump quite well. But - UH-OH - she falls on her arse during a step sequence and nearly rips Daniel's hand off, making rehearsals difficult. As if Daniel hasn't taken enough punishment, he then get a skate in the ear practising a lift. Poor Daniel.

They're skating to KT Tunstall's 'Suddenly I See', which isn't even fucking country, so somebody sack the costume department. Linda seems to be doing the chicken dance. Women of a certain age shouldn't wear their hair in bunches, don't you think? They have trouble with the bit where, erm, Linda rolls down through Daniel's legs and is supposed to land on the ice but doesn't seem to be able to let go, whilst he's desperately trying to put her down without dropping her. Gubba observes that "At times, the programme was right on the edge", and he's right. Oh, apparently that bit they fucked up was the move they "invented" last week, the Lusardi Levitation. [I'm fairly certain it was nothing of the sort. - Steve] The judges' scores are: Karen - 3.5, Nicky - 4.0, Jason - 3.5, Ruthie - 4.0, Robin - 4.0, for a total of 19.

Linda tells Daniel that the problem was that, "I just couldn't get hold of your trousers!" Hee. Daniel seems pleased that his wrist is still attached. Jayne says the week has been quite good for Linda because she has had to do more skating on her own. I don't think that's a recommendation for injuring your partner, though. Karen says her marks were a bit low because the lift went wrong, but it makes a change for her to be exercising her critical faculties. Linda did her required jump very well, though. This week Ruthie is a "big fan of Linda" because she's "a pleasure to watch and your personality shines through".

The fifth couple to skate is Chris and Frankie. Chris felt that "Last week didn't go well", despite the fact that they came top with the judges, because he didn't think they deserved to be there. [I'm getting so bored of Chris and his "it really is tiresome being as awesome as I am" schtick. - Steve] Chris is going to be doing two jumps - one in a step sequence, and an axel, which is a 1.5 rotation. [Poncey wanker. - Carrie] Chris says it will be "the hardest move any celebrity has done in any of the series". Indeed, it's so difficult that Chris has to practise with a harness and only realises once the harness is gone that it's really fucking difficult, and he couldn't even land it in the rehearsal this morning. Frankie, showing great faith in her partner, says they've put it at the end of the routine so that it doesn't matter when it goes wrong. At least he's more likely to break himself than to break Frankie this week. [Perhaps that's what Frankie meant by it not mattering. - Carrie]

They're skating to 'Ain't No Sunshine' by Bill Withers, and it's the most assured and elegant performance so far this week. [Although I nearly hyperventilated with laughter at Chris's Acting Face at the start. Also, GET UP OFF THE FUCKING ICE, Fountain. Breakdancing - DO NOT WANT - Carrie] The flip jump in the middle of the step sequence is great and miraculously Chris manages to land the axel. It's obvious that Frankie is chuffed, albeit his landing was two-footed. [I loved that Frankie did a fist jump of joy when he pulled it off, despite still being in the routine. Hee - Steve] The judges' scores are suitably high: 5.5 from everyone except Head Judge Robin, who gives them 5.0, for a total of 27.

Chris (Fountain) explains that, "That jump has been so inconsistent" - he practised it on his own on Friday and did it on Saturday, "but not landed it today except then". Chris (Dean) says he told him not to bottle out and he went for it. Holly tells the judges that she loves them all, "Except Robin, I love you a bit less." That's Head Judge Robin to you, Willoughby. [I still love Head Judge Robin MOST. - Carrie] Robin says he only gave them 5.0 because they could have done it a bit better, but he is impressed with Chris's ability to "deliver a different performance every week", and although they struggled a bit at the beginning of the series, now his relationship with Frankie is "natural and comfortable".

On the way to the break, a pointless competition to win a trip to see Dancing on Ice next week. The question is: how many skate-offs did Steve Backley perform in? There isn't even a multiple choice, so if they're not making it as easy as possible, I don't think I'll be bothering to ring in.

Still to come - Suzanne and Matt! And possible controversy!

Break!

So, the final couple to skate this evening are Suzanne and Matt. Jason backstage last week points out that it's not easy to be lifted, and he knows because he has choreographed girls being lifted. Nicky is very clear that he wants to see more DANCING on the ICE! [I shouted, "Drink!" at this point. I was in my house, by myself, at the time. It was a reflex reaction. - Carrie] So, to please Nicky, they are putting in "loads of skating" this week. Suzanne says the routine is "the hardest one yet", which presumably is a comment that ought to be true every week, as their skating gets better and the competition gets tougher. She says she's "worried at this point", although that probably was Monday. Matt says they're "both freaked out about how many steps there are and how synchronised they have to be". Get a grip, man. Suzanne is concerned because she hasn't picked up the choreography as quickly as usual and "The pressure's on". Yeah yeah.

They're skating to 'Music' by Madonna, and while I might have mocked Matt a little, they do have to be very synchronised with all their dance moves. This is certainly going to give Chris and Frankie a run for their money. Going off on one for a moment, I'm always a bit sceptical about the use of the word "bourgeoisie" in this song because I have a suspicion that Madonna only learned it during the filming of 'Evita' and doesn't really know what it means. Anyway, it's a good routine, but doubtless the judges will have something bad to say about Suzanne, because they usually do. Gubba says that Suzanne "deserves Dancing on Ice's bravery medal this series". They're giving out medals now? I think Maria should get it for letting Gareth lift her. Is there actually a move called "the human necklace"? Who can really say? The scores match Chris and Frankie's exactly, with 5.5 from everyone except Ruthie this time, who gives them 5.0, for another 27.0.

Suzanne looks pleased that they are actually being fair to her this week. But what's this? Phil: "I think Ruthie has a problem with her score." Ruthie confirms that she actually pressed the 5.5 button, which means they've actually got 27.5! What is going on with the scoreboards this series? [I'm not entirely sure I believe Ruthie. I think she originally meant to score them exactly as she did, but she saw the opportunity to wipe the smug grin off Chris Fountain's face and took it. Lord knows I would've. Team Suzanne! - Steve] Holly asks Nicky pointedly if the routine contained enough skating for him, and he replies, "What a day I've had - I've become a father and seen you skate." Yes, because seeing Suzanne Shaw skate must be on a par with becoming a father for the first time. He says it's getting "very near a 6.0".

So that's yer lot. Suzanne and Matt are at the top of the board, with Chris and Frankie just half a point behind. Greg and Kristina are at the bottom with 17.5, though Zaraah and Fred aren't too far above them. Recap! I think Greg might actually end up in the skate-off this week, although Linda has to be in the danger zone and nobody ever seems to vote for Zaraah. Join us for the skate-off in an hour's time.

Results show

Welcome back. Phil is still excited about that axel jump, as I suppose he is entitled to be. Before the results, a chance to catch up with what's happened backstage. Zaraah is disappointed with herself, but at least will be able to prove she can do it better if she's in the skate-off. Fred doesn't want to be in the skate-off. Greg had a lot of fun, even though it didn't work. Gareth says that Robin's positive comments "meant the world to me". Linda really enjoyed it, even though it went wrong, and Daniel reassured her about how brilliant she is. Chris was thrilled that he landed the axel, and Frankie rather euphemistically cries, "Pulled it out on the night!" Oo-er. Suzanne is "so excited" about being at the top of the leaderboard, and amazed that she managed to beat Chris.

Holly is with the judges for a final word. Has the required element split those that can and those that can't? Head Judge Robin thinks that some of their performances let them down. Jason says what stood out is that, "There was a difference between those that still possess the championship spirit and those who have lost it - Zaraah wasn't on her game particularly - and mistakes are going to cost them."

The results are IN! Phil is about to be given THE RESULTS via his trusty earpiece. So the couples who are through, in no particular order, are: Chris and Frankie; Suzanne and Matt; Greg and Kristina, oh dear me [for FUCK'S SAKE - Carrie] - and the final safe couple will be revealed after the break!

Erm, break!

The tension is unbearable. The final couple saved by your votes is Gareth and Maria, leaving Zaraah and Fred and Linda and Daniel in the skate-off. If Linda manages to grab Daniel's trousers this time round, she might just get through. On the other hand, Zaraah reckons she has done the routine much better in rehearsals, so if she can get rid of the mistakes, she's also in with a chance. In other words, it's really all riding on their skate-off performance this week.

Zaraah and Fred are first, and she still doesn't look like she's really doing much of a jump, but I think they'll be more pleased with that performance - which Zaraah confirms to Phil. Awww, she wants to make Fred proud of her. [If he is, that warrants a DRINK!, surely? - Carrie] It's Linda's first skate-off and she looks nervous. Her jump is a bit more wobbly than it was earlier, but they don't have the same trouble with the Lusardi Levitation, although it still looks clumsy. Jayne says it will be tough because both couples have skated better and didn't make the mistakes. Linda shrieks that it was the worst moment of her life because it was so nervewracking.

So, over to the judges. Karen picks Zaraah [and is CRYING LIKE A FOOTBALLER - Carrie]. Nicky says it's the closest skate-off EVER, but he saves Zaraah, and so does Jason. [At which point I did a Frankie-style fist pump and yelled "YES!", and surprised myself with just how emotionally involved I am with Zaraah's continuing survival. - Steve] Ruthie says Linda is "such a loss", but she's saving Zaraah. Robin is sad they ended up here, because he's dying to vote out Greg and Kristina [he didn't actually say that, to clarify - Carrie], but he's saving Zaraah, so it's a clean sweep and Linda and Daniel are out. Linda is a dignified loser, talking about what good fun it has been. She and Daniel were good value, but they didn't perform tonight. After their VT, Karen, shockingly, is in [floods of - Carrie] tears.

Hooray, next Sunday is Props Night! As you'll be aware, it's very difficult to work with props ON ICE [particularly CHAIRS - Carrie]. Wave goodbye to Jayne and Chris, and we'll be back with more Bitching next week.

Sunday, 17 February 2008

Thrown out

Week 6 - 17th February 2008

Tonight! Dancing on Ice is swingin' (ew, not like that) to the sound of the Sixties! There'll be Jayne'n'Chris, there'll be more big lifts, big spins and big scores, there'll be psychedelia (and songs from Hairspray, apparently), there'll be black and white footage, there'll be Sixties puns ("Who will twist and shout? Who will get the hippy-hippy-shakes?" VOs Phil), and, though they don't preview this, there'll be injury porn! Titles!

Ooh. Phil and Holly do not appear and introduce Jayne and Chris - instead, our erstwhile gold medallists burst onto the ice and begin a routine to Twist and Shout, and are joined by Matt and Suzanne; the music changes to Dancing in the Street, when Linda and Dan take to the ice as well. Kristina and Greg and Steve and Susie are being kept out of the way and tapping their feet on the edge of the rink, and are then permitted to skate across. The music changes to Hippy Hippy Shake, when Zaraah and Fred and Gareth and Maria join in, then Chris (with more bizarre eye make-up) and Frankie, and then Jayne and Chris finish off with Shout, and all the contestants form a big long skating conga, with Steve, Greg and Linda left in the middle doing a rather lame-looking lift sequence. Well done all. [I tuned in halfway through this routine and didn't realise for a second that the celebrities were all taking part. But then I spotted Greg... I am liking all the pretend knee-high boots. - Georgi]

Aha, here are Phil and Holly. Holly is allowed to say the first lines! She says them at a very high pitch, though, for some reason. Dress watch - strapless, black, with a silvery thing around the bosom. Her hair looks lovely. Jayne and Chris enthuse about their skating charges.

This week's required element is a move designed and named by the contestants. For fuck's sake. They are not Head Judge Robin Cousins, who invented his own type of spiral. [Or Gubba, who makes up names of moves every week. - Georgi] Chris says that it is the contestants' moment to shine, and they have had to censor some of the names. Jayne says everything is all very interesting and different. I remain unconvinced.

Phil introduces the Ice Panel, who are wearing "hot pants and mini-skirts behind the desk, and that's just the men." LULZ. [Now that's an image I neither needed nor wanted in my head while I was trying to eat my dinner. - Georgi] Karen, Nicky, Jason (booooooo!), Ruthie and Head Judge Robin Cousins are all present and correct. Holly is having fun with Sixties-themed puns. Robin wants the contestants to be comfortable and also Sixties. That's cleared that up, then. [And Nicky, no doubt, wants them to be dancing. On ice, no less. - Steve]

Phil reminds us that we have to vote too. Whatever. Gareth and Maria are the first to skate tonight. We see last week's Blame it on the Boogie routine, and Ruthie telling him to keep taking risks. Chris says that Gareth had a lack of confidence last week and was coping with a lot of emotional issues. Chris and Gareth are sitting by the side of the rink, having a Manly Chat. The ladies - Jayne, Maria and Karen - are watching them and looking vaguely pissed off. Gareth's unique move is called the Surfing Spreadeagle. He is looking forward to seeing everyone else's routine to see if their moves are as good as his, but he doesn't think they will be.

ZOMG THEIR COSTUMES. Gareth's shirt is yellow, his trousers are multicoloured stripes, and Maria's dress is black and white checks with yellow blobs. She does however have pink boots, which are odd, but quite nice. [What did Gareth do to earn the ire of the costume designers? No one should ever be forced to wear those trousers, EVER. - Steve][They are more circus-themed than Sixties-themed - Georgi] They're skating to I Get Around. The Surfing Spreadeagle is present and correct. The audience are clapping along. It's a reasonably fun routine. Gubba seems to think it was Austin Powers-themed. Scores - Karen 4.5, Nicky 5.0, Jason 4.5, Ruthie 4.5, Robin 4.5, for a total of 23.0 - their HIGHEST-EVER SCORE. Gareth jabbers some more about inventing his own move. Maria smiles through gritted teeth, but you can almost see the thought-bubble above her head - "I MISS DUNCAN FROM BLUE." Nicky wants to encourage Gareth, and says that he was "dancing on ice" and also "lifting on ice". FOR FUCK'S SAKE, SLATER, we KNOW what the name of the show is by now. Jason reiterates that Gareth was dancing on ice. They're taking the piss, aren't they? [I LOLed. - Steve]

After the break! Zaraah and Fred! Chris and Frankie injury porn!

Phil welcomes us back, and reminds us that it is Sixties night, making a rather strange Paul McCartney gag in the process. Lovely Zaraah and lovely Fred are next. Jayne says it is a big thrill to see her progress so far in such a short time. Zaraah and Fred beam at each other while VTing about their rehearsal. Their unique move is the Seesaw Lift [which looks good, but doesn't have any seesawing kind of motion to it, so I judge the name a bit - Georgi]. Jayne and Chris have choreographed some steps for them that they've used themselves, so Zaraah is keen not to let them down. Bless.

They're skating to The Locomotion. They're both in silver - Zaraah in a little flippy dress and some truly hideous spandex trousers, and Fred in a shiny shirt, sensibly unzipped to mid-chest, and black trousers. I like this routine, and I like Zaraah, but while I'm watching it I can't help but hear Arlene shouting about arms - they're not very synchronised and the movements aren't quite sharp enough. [And in my one alloted technical observation of the week, I note that Zaraah's spiral leg needs serious work. - Steve] However, the footwork is good, and the Seesaw is there too. Scores - Karen 4.5, Nicky 4.0, Jason 4.5, Ruthie 4.5, Robin 4.5, making a total of 22.0. Anyone think Nicky might have been marking relatively? Zaraah says she is not scared when they are doing lifts because she's with Fred, only scared when she's by herself. Jayne says she is becoming more and more fearless. Can you get more and more fearless? Either you have fears or not, surely? Ruthie says that Zaraah is a natural actress and a beautiful performer. That's handy, seeing as she's a bloody actress. [Hands up if you'd like Ruthie Henshall to tell you she's a "big fan"? - Georgi] [God, me. I'd give most things in exchange for Ruthie Henshall's admiration. - Carrie] Zaraah and Fred hug.

Chris and Frankie were all kinds of awesome, as well as a bit funny, last week. We see Chris crashing around a lot in rehearsal. Chris Dean says that the problem is that Chris F has to think a lot quicker than normal. His unique move is called The Worm, leading to much lolarity when Chris Dean shouts, "Chris, show me your worm!" [I really don't think The Worm counts as a unique move, and Chris certainly didn't invent it, which I thought was the point of this exercise. All he did was put some ice under it. - Steve][He did rename it though, which surely counts for something. - Georgi] With only two days to go, they are still struggling with the routine, and then Chris drops Frankie on her poor little head. [Contrary to popular perception, she doesn't shatter into a million pieces like a little china doll. Let's see a replay in slow-motion just to make sure though! - Georgi] She cries. Chris cuddles her and apologies. She says, "It's not your fault!" Kind of is, Frankie, and to be fair to Chris, he does admit that.

Anyway, they're all Union Flagged up [Frankie's Union Jack eye make-up is a bit much - Georgi], and skating to My Generation. There's lots of complicated step sequences at the start. Am I being harsh, or not getting the point of the routine, or does Frankie look a bit shaky? Anyway, he doesn't drop her on her head, which is a good thing. These two look good even when it's fumbly, because they're that much quicker across the ice. Well, I didn't think that routine was their best, but at least there was no serious injury. Scores - Karen 5.0, Nicky 4.5, Jason 5.0, Ruthie 5.0 and Robin 5.0, for a total of 24.5. Chris witters on about it being scary when you drop your partner. I'd argue that it's scarier for YOUR PARTNER, you daft boy. Interestingly, Frankie seems quite subdued, saying that she's "OK" rather than brushing off enquiries about her health. Robin tells Chris that the hockey player was allowed to reemerge tonight. Jason says he did not see any fear in Chris's face going into the lift, and Chris shouts, "I'm an actor!" I'll leave the jokes to Steve, I think. [I plead the fifth. - Steve] Jason criticises the worm, saying that his godchildren can do that move in the front room, and he wanted to see something more spectacular on skates ON ICE. Phil laughs about Jason not liking Chris's little worm. Are we 12 years old all of a sudden?

After the break! Steve Backley comes back fighting! Suzanne Shaw does a handstand! Srsly!

During the break! What on earth is Rock Rivals? It looks AMAZING. [It's from the makers of Bad Girls and Footballers' Wives, and it's set behind a fictitious version of The X Factor. I concur, it looks AWESOME. Let's recap it! - Steve]

Phil welcomes us back again, and is talking to fucking Bonnie fucking Langford [FUCK THE FUCK OFF! - Georgi], who chats on about [/plugs TO DEATH - Georgi] the Dancing on Ice live tour, and Andi Peters. FUCK OFF.

Oooooooooh, look at Steve Backley's ARMS. C'mon, Bitches, I know sport isn't your thing, but LOOK. We see footage of ungainliness in rehearsals. Steve and Susie's unique move is called The Boomerang [because they want to Come Back! - Georgi]. Steve enthuses about how much he is enjoying competing. I think he's well aware of his limitations, but it's a challenge to him.

Before the routine starts, Steve kisses Susie's hands. Aw. Steve is in black, with sparkles over his top, and a gold belt [ARE YOU WATCHING ME? - Steve], and Susie has a golden dress with golden boots. Steve is singing along. Cute! They are slow across the ice, but there's something about them that reminds me of David Seaman and Pam - possibly just that he's very chivalrous towards her when they're skating, looking very concerned to get her back on the ice safely. The routine ends with Steve demonstrating his spiral leg, as admired by Jason last week. Scores - Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.0, Jason 3.5, Ruthie 4.0 and Robin 4.0 for a total of 18.0 - their best score. Jayne says that Steve has been more determined than ever. Steve and Susie nod in agreement. Nicky has to explain his 3.0, and is booed. [Hee. I liked the way Willoughby demanded he explain himself, like a strict schoolteacher, and he looked suitably sheepish. - Georgi] C'mon, Nicky, say you're judging relatively! I miss that! [I will never get drunk at this rate. - Georgi] He says that Steve is hamstrung by his artificial hip. So, what, you're marking him down for having an artificial hip? I thought marking him up for doing relatively better would be more up your street? He encourages Steve to get faster, which is fair enough. Ruthie says it looked like they enjoyed it, and he had a new sense of confidence. Steve and Susie nod in agreement again. Ruthie says, "You have such an ease on that ice that is so attractive to look at - and so are you!" Hehe. Good girl, Henshall! [Tee hee. Ruthie hearts Steve. - Georgi] She notes that he slows to a stop when he's putting Susie back on the ice, and tells him not to. No, Steve, chuck her back on the ice! Let her sort herself out!

Suzanne's face looks weird still. Has she had Work done, or is it just make-up? Last week, she and Matt did the Headbanger, but this week is Even More Challenging and Complex. Their unique element is a Walkover, which Jayne has never seen done on the ice, and which Suzanne can do perfectly well on dry land but not on ice. [Again, it's not exactly a unique move that she invented, is it - she's just doing it On Ice. - Georgi]

They're skating to Walk On By, and their outfits are teh dinky. Suzanne's dress is red and white quarters, as is Matt's top. [Yes, finally someone with matching outfits. Yayz! - Georgi] They do some lovely acting and some impressive acrobatics, although she does catch him in the jaw with her calf at one point. The Walkover goes fine, leading into some spins at the end, with a bit more acting, and an abrupt end to the music. Aw, I like this routine. Gubba tells us that Suzanne has had a tummy bug over the past 24 hours, caught off her Darren Day-fathered son [/Plague-ridden Spawn of the Devil - Georgi]. Scores - Karen 5.5 (overmarked, perhaps for courage?), Nicky 4.0 (undermarked, perhaps relatively?), Jason 5.0, Ruthie 4.5 and Robin 4.5, for a total of 23.5. Karen is shocked that people haven't agreed with her marking, and shouts at her colleagues. Is she drunk? [She's not Arlene. - Georgi] Nicky says he gave a 4.0 because there wasn't very much skating. [Never bothered him when he was marking Bonnie Fucking Langford. - Georgi] He is booed. [Seriously, did Nicky accidentally eat Jason's bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning? Bollocks was that a four, and I don't even really like Suzanne. Mind you, 5.5 was absurd too. Sit the hell down, Karen. - Steve] Jason shouts something about dancing on ice, then repeats himself, clutching his head in the hands. Karen and Nicky proceed to bicker. [Hooray! Drink! - Georgi] Holly tries to control them, unsuccessfully. Phil shouts, "Shut up, for goodness sake!"

Still to come - Greg and Linda. Whoop-de-doo. [I don't know how they decide the order of skating, but I can't help but feel they should have interposed the people who were obviously going to be better with the shit ones, instead of starting off well and going downhill. - Georgi]

Phil welcomes us back again and informs us that the judges have been arguing throughout the break. [Good - I have been drink!ing throughout the break - Georgi] The judges pretend that they like each other really. Greg and Kristina are skating next. They are rehearsing a move where Kristina lies on the ice and Greg jumps over her. She squeals every time he does it. It's taken out of the routine, though, because the music is slow and the Leap of Death doesn't work. "I really liked it!" "It didn't suit the music!" "But I really liked it!" "It didn't suit the music! Too bad!" Greg complains about transitions being too slow, and the routine not playing to his strengths. The unique move is a Lenko Lift, ie named after Kristina, and it's not really very enthralling. [I thought Greg was supposed to invent it. Doesn't Kristina get to do choreography all the time? - Georgi]

They are skating to Hey Jude, with Greg in militaryesque Beatles-style jacket [which: couldn't they at least have skated to something from Sgt Pepper? - Georgi], and Kristina in a bizarrely big and feathery mini-dress, and amazing false eyelashes. They beam at each other the whole way through, which is nice. The big lift doesn't really come off because Greg is so slow across the ice, but there's no peril, at least. Scores - Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.0, Jason 2.5, Ruthie 3.5 and Robin 3.5 for a total of 16.0. Greg says that Jason has it in for him. Jason explains his score - "You have the charisma of cardboard. There is absolutely no oomph in your performance whatsoever." Greg tries to shout back, "Takes one to know one!", but it's really not working. He also says, "Jason, I might make it to the finals, and then we'll see." Jason responds, "If you're in the finals, I won't be." Ooh. This is getting a bit ugly. Phil reassures us that Jason won't quit, because he's under contract. Heh. [Jason might have just convinced quite a lot of people to vote for Greg on the off-chance though. - Georgi]

Linda and Dan are the last couple to skate tonight. She's sulking about Ruthie's criticism that she doesn't skate by herself enough. Dan takes the piss out of her. Jayne says the comments from the judges were fair, and Linda is taking that on board now. [Drink! - Georgi] Their unique move is called the Lusardi Levitation, because her legs are hooked round Dan's waist, but her arms are up and Dan's arms are out. [Which...really not at all levitation, just very strong thigh muscles, but I can see how that's less appealing, alliteratively speaking. - Steve] The excitement!

They're skating to Son of a Preacher Man. Dan is in black trousers and a black and white striped jacket, and Linda is in a black and white spotty and sparkly dress. Linda tries to look sultry and seductive at the judges' table; Dan strips off his jacket. Wooooooo! Linda is definitely skating by herself a lot this week. She looks awkward when she has to turn, but at least she's not gripping on to Dan's hand the entire time. There's a minor slip, but again no peril. It is a cute routine. Scores - Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.5, Jason 4.0, Ruthie 4.0 and Robin 4.0, for a total of 19.0. Phil is happy that Linda danced ON ICE by herself. Robin repeats that Linda danced ON ICE by herself. D'you think they're playing their own drinking game? Ruthie says she loved it and she loves Linda for taking criticism on the chin and coming back fighting.

That's it - Chris and Frankie are top, and Greg and Kristina are bottom. WHAT WILL HAPPEN? Who can say? The results will be available to Phil via his earpiece in one hour's time!

Results show

Earlier tonight! These seven couples danced ON ICE for our votes! Now we have to get rid of one of them forEVAHZOMGZ. Time for the skate-off and 20 minutes' worth of filler.

Phil reckons the competition couldn't have been more tense on Sixties' Night. Holly explains the concept of the skate-off. The lines close. Goodness, the atmosphere is electric.

A recap of what happened earlier, what was said backstage, and the judges' blazing row. "Blazing row". Whatevs. Gareth DANCED ON ICE and was happy, and Maria makes a biting comment to remind him that he doesn't skate by himself; Fred and Zaraah feel like they have been there the whole time; Chris was upset that Jason didn't like his move, and points out that someone did it last year. IT'S NOT FUCKING UNIQUE THEN, IS IT, YOU CRETINOUS FOOL? Steve really doesn't want to be in the skate-off, but will be ready if necessary; the judges' argument is shown again; Suzanne doesn't understand why Nicky scored her so low, because her routine was about DANCING ON ICE; the Ice Panel continue to fight during the break, and Karen pulls a total bitchface while Jason, of all people, plays conciliator; Greg doesn't think Jason was fair to him; Robin thought Linda DANCED ON ICE and she was happy with the routine and the scores. Dullness.

Holly claims it has been a night of high drama, and asks Head Judge Robin Cousins what he thought of the routines overall. He liked them all because everyone upped their game, and confirms that it is OK to disagree. I love Head Judge Robin Cousins. [I loved that his example was that some people might like Chris, while others might like Frankie. THEY'RE ON THE SAME FUCKING TEAM! - Steve]

Phil is ready with the *touches ear* results, in no particular order. The first couple skating next week is - Suzanne and Matt! Also safe are - Greg and Kristina, for fuck's sake. Clearly Georgi was right in that the viewing public are hoping to oust Jason. Chris and Frankie! Gareth and Maria! And the final couple who are safe, will, obviously, be revealed after the break.

Right, so the commercials are over, and we're down to the final three. Zaraah and Fred, Steve and Susie, and Linda and Dan are standing in the middle of the rink. Zaraah and Susie are holding hands. The fifth couple who will skate next week - Linda and Dan!

Bollocks. That means cheerio, Steve, then, doesn't it? Fuck it. Poxy bloody phone votes. [I'm sorry, what? Are we not focusing on the fact that the RACIST BRITISH PUBLIC have left lovely Zaraah needlessly in the bottom two? Fuck Steve fucking Backley, his number was up weeks ago. - Steve] [You can focus on that, if you like. I am more upset at losing Steve. - Carrie] Jayne is surprised that Zaraah is in the bottom two. Chris says that Steve knows what to do as this is his fourth skate-off in a row. Sigh. Zaraah and Fred go first; Steve and Susie second, and this is a foregone conclusion. I am angry. Even if only for superficial reasons. I am robbed of my Andrei, Pavel and now Steve? While bloody whiny Gareth Gates and clumpy old Greg Rusedski are still there? Steve says he tried his hardest to bend his knees more, but he knows it's a tough ask against Zaraah. [Who should not be there. WHY ARE YOU NOT MORE ANGRY ABOUT THIS? I am furious, pink. - Steve] [But what is point? Steve is going. Zaraah is safe. C'est un foregone conclusion, as I said. Steve hasn't been the worst skater in any week. I am still Team Backley. - Carrie] Aw.

The Ice Panel's verdict - Karen saves Zaraah, and weeps; Nicky thanks Steve and Susie for their contribution, and saves Zaraah; Jason saves Zaraah, with a nasty little barb; Ruthie says that Steve is wonderful, but she must save Zaraah; and Robin saves Zaraah too. Zaraah cries. Steve and Susie skate off to collect their bouquets. Steve is disappointed, but feels that he "got away with it. Having a prosthetic hip is a big deal...I had to get over that inhibition." He is pleased to have met so many wonderful people. Susie cries. We see a Montage of Steve's best bits. Steve's little girl is crying and crying in the audience. Oh noooo. Steve and Susie do a lap of honour. Next week - an unassisted jump! I literally cannot wait. CANNOT WAIT. Join us then!

Sunday, 10 February 2008

The art of spin

Show 5: 10th February 2008

We begin with Philip delivering an ominously shouty voiceover telling us what happened over the past month, including Michael's competition-ending injury and the string of eliminations that all happened to involve female celebs. Now, says PVO, it's time for the competition to get serious. Why couldn't it get serious from the beginning? Titles!

Phil and Holly join us, and Holly's boobs seem reasonably well concealed this time around, though it's a little hard to tell in her flesh-coloured dress [she's probably got those bloody stupid flesh-coloured boots too - Carrie]. Phil tells us the competition is hotting up, and doesn't acknowledge the possibility of the ice melting as a result. Holly promises the first head-banger of the series, even though we all saw Aggie's training footage, and a selection of new lifts. The only lift that's not on offer, says Phil, is a forklift. Ho ho ho. Although frankly I'm surprised that considering the number of stupid-ass names given to lifts in ice-dancing, a forklift isn't an entirely legitimate manoeuvre. [Most of the names are invented by Gubba, to be fair. - Carrie]

And now the return of someone we allegedly missed last week, although I can't really say that I did - Christopher Dean, back on the ice with Jayne Torvill. They are skating to Eva Cassidy's 'Fields of Gold' [aka "the song from the Dead People advert", as I was trying to describe it to Georgi - Carrie], and it is very impressive and elegant, as usual. There are many impressive lifts on offer, including a reverse crucifix. See, I'm learning the lingo! I knew this blog was going to make me gayer.

Phil welcomes Christopher back to the ice, and Chris says that the ice feels like a long time. Phil mentions that Chris is setting an example on how one gets over an injury, though I daresay it's probably a little easier for him since he's surely well used to it by now. Holly asks Jayne if the skaters have improved, and well, Jayne's hardly going to say no, is she?

We welcome back our skating stars: Greg and Kristina, Suzanne (looking for all the world like Adele Silva [I thought her face had melted. - Carrie]) and Matt, Tim and Victoria, Gareth (in the gayest vest I've ever seen, and that's saying something) and Maria, Zaraah and Fred, Steve and Suzie, Linda and Daniel, and finally Chris and Frankie. Chris has a very nice electric blue shirt on, and some rather unfortunate pitstains.

This week's required element is the solo spin, which I doubt you really need to have explained to you, but part of the rule for tonight is that they must complete two revolutions. Jayne says that it's a feeling you have to feel for yourself (okay), and that some of the skating stars have found it easier than others. The ice panel are introduced, and booed by the typically rowdy audience. I still don't understand why Jason teams a scarf with a v-neck sweater every week. If your neck's so damn cold, wear a shirt with a collar, you ass. [I think it's like the importance of hats in High School Musical. He wants to make sure we don't forget he's gay. - Carrie] Holly asks Robin what the skaters need to do to impress tonight; Robin says that he's looking for the spin because the celebs can't rely on their partners to help them with this - they have to do it all by themselves. Horrorz! Phil reminds us that our opinions are just as valid as the judges, even though they probably shouldn't be.

Greg's up first, and Phil reminds us that Ruthie thought he should leave last week. The VT reminds us of Greg's promise to prove Ruthie wrong if he survived. Chris tells us that Greg takes criticism on the chin and comes back wanting to do better. There's some hilarity in rehearsals when Chris is saying "look at me!" to Greg and Greg doesn't realise that Chris is telling him what he should be saying, rather than instructing Greg to look at Chris. You can see where he'd be confused. The routine's been tailored for Greg's particular "skills" this week, and he seems to be enjoying it more. Kristina is really reminding me of Kristin Chenoweth.

They are skating to 'She's So Lovely' by Scouting for Girls. Greg's movements are still very stilted, but it's a fun and quirky routine that they seem to be really enjoying, and he manages the solo spin with no real trouble, although the lift he performs on Kristina at the end is possibly the most ugly and ungainly thing I've ever seen, including Rumer Willis. It's an "unravel", apparently. Scores are Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.5, Jason 3.0, Ruthie 3.0, Robin 3.5, for a total of 16.5. They seem fairly pleased with the scores and the way the routine went. Jayne says that Greg's made a huge improvement this week, and Chris cuts her off (so unusual!) to say that they really wanted to get what Greg wanted out of the routine. Ruthie tells Greg it was a vast improvement, but says he must never deliver less than that in future. Robin warns Greg that deportment is important regardless of how fast the music is, so Greg needs to keep his skating clean. That all seems fairly fair commentary, to my eyes. [And to Greg's, to be fair. I enjoyed it, anyway. - Carrie]

After the ads, Phil promises a magnificent seven performances still to come, which is probably a much easier promise to make now Aggie's gone. Suzanne and Matt are next, and Chris thinks she has great potential to be at the final. Suzanne says this week's routine is very physical, with lots of jumping and head movements. Jane warns that it could all go very wrong if she's not in control. Apparently in rehearsals Suzanne spontaneously suggests implementing the Headbanger. I am so sure that's totally how it happened. Matt tells us that it's called the Headbanger because if it goes wrong you will literally crack your head on the ice. Well, yeah. We got that. They're skating to 'Are You Gonna Be My Girl?' and the routine is very showy, with lots of strutting and rolling and things like that. The Headbanger passes without incident, sadly, although Suzanne's weave doesn't escape without injury. Also, I completely missed the solo spin, but there it is in the replay. Karen 5.0, Nicky 4.5, Jason 5.0, Ruthie 5.0, Robin 5.0 for a total of 24.5. Phil says that she has no idea what was being said in his ear during the Headbanger. If it's anything like what I was screaming at the screen, it was probably "fuck! Fuck! FUCK!" Matt says the Headbanger was really their only chance to show off, since Suzanne's rib injury prevents them from doing a lot of the moves. Nicky says he needs to review the performance in a video monitor because he only saw one rotation in the spin. [Nicky is SHIT. What is the point of a judge watching out for technical elements when he misses them? - Carrie] Jason says that obviously Nicky is looking at the technical element, while he is looking at a fabulous performance. I guess this means he's voting with his heart. TEN! Sorry, wrong show. Robin confirms that he saw two clean turns, but they were very quick. Well, now I can breathe easily again.

Tim and Victoria are next, and were very relieved not to be in the skateoff last week. Their routine is planned to be lots of fun, but Tim is struggling with the solo spin. Chris warns that he hasn't found the correct way to do it yet. Tim says he keeps falling on his elbow, which is a nasty reminder of just how you got it wrong. Heh. Tim is well aware that if he fucks up, he's in the skateoff. Jesus Christ, I just copped an eyeful of Tim's shirt, and how it looks like Mika's album cover ejaculated all over him. Which is because they're dancing to fucking 'Love Today', of course. Ugh, Mika, when will you go away, eh? The routine's fun, but I can't help thinking that Tim and Victoria are cheating slightly given that a large section of their routine involves sitting on the side and doing the hand jive. Tim's solo spin is wobbly and I don't think it was quite two complete turns, but he doesn't fall over, which is something. Scores: Karen 2.5, Nicky 2.5, Jason 2.5, Ruthie 2.5, Robin 2.5, for a total of 12.5. The audience boos, even though that's a fair score for the performance. [They didn't bollocking SKATE. I boo THEM. - Carrie] Phil points out that Tim ended up facing the wrong way in his solo spin. Phil also adds that Tim missed a day of training, and Tim scoffs that he doubted it would've made much difference. Heh. Karen says that the marks reflect the element being missed - he's working hard and improving, but the element was not present. Jason agrees and says that the best part of the routine was when they were sat on the step, adding that it was not indicative of a week five performance. I'm loath to agree with Jason, but he does sort of have a point there. There's an early look at the leaderboard, with Suzanne and Matt way out in front, and Tim and Victoria lagging at the bottom, with Greg and Kristina firmly in the middle. Well, that was informative. After the break, Zaraah attempts a dangerous lift. Mercy!

Back from the ads, Phil says that we've seen three skaters, and we still have a famous five to come. Can we be finished with the number-based puns now, please? Last week Gareth got into the twenties, with his hair as well as his marks, and hopes to push his score higher this week, but is struggling with the harder lifts. Aww, he says "sugar" instead of swearing! That's so cute. If a little creepy and Disneyfied in someone of his age. But the falls shake his confidence, and Maria tells him "I can only be sure in lift if you sure." Indeed. So Gareth and Maria take to the ice, and they have flames! Flames on the side of their costumes! Seriously, it looks like a primary school craft project, with coloured crepe paper hanging off them like that. They are skating to 'Blame It On The Boogie'. Some of the lifts look a little wobbly, indeed, but the rest of the routine seems competent enough, if unexciting. I don't really know what else to say about it. Scores: Karen 4.5, Nicky 4.0, Jason 4.0, Ruthie 3.5, Robin 4.0 for a total of 20, which puts him second! Not third! But given that Chris hasn't been on yet, I don't think he'll be second for long. Phil congratulates Gareth on not dropping Maria, even though that really ought to be a given. Chris thinks their relationship has got stronger. Holly asks Ruthie why the low score, and the audience boos. Ruthie jokes that her career is over after giving Gareth a low score, even though appearing on Dancing on Ice, even as a judge, implies that your career is not on the upswing. [As she's going to be in Marguerite as from the summer, I imagine it was the best she and her management could do for simple publicity. Though why Lord Lloyd Webber hasn't got her in as guest judge for I'd Do Anything, when she played Nancy last time Oliver! was in the West End, I'm not sure. - Carrie] Anyway, Ruthie says that it wasn't his best work, and thinks he can do better than this. Karen puts in that Gareth did the element, even if he didn't do it all on one foot, and that her scores reflect his "courage this week", at which point Jason and Ruthie quite rightly call bullshit.

Late-starter Zaraah is next, with lovely Fred. We see Robin complimenting her last week as one of the frontrunners. In training, Zaraah has tonsillitis, and Fred jokes that it's keeping her quiet, which is good. But Zaraah has a dangerous lift to do, the table-top lift, which we are told Chris and Frankie will also be doing later. Zaraah has trouble letting go of Fred, and Fred suggests that there are other varieties they can try if she's uncomfortable letting go, but Zaraah informs him that Chris and Frankie will be doing it properly, so they have to too. Hee. They're skating to 'Diamonds and Pearls' by Prince, and Zaraah appears to have come as an Egyptian princess this evening with her fringe glued down and covered in sparklees. [YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! - Carrie] There's a kickass move where she holds Fred by the waist as he whirls her around which impresses me very much (I think this may indeed be called a whirlaround), and they work into the tabletop lift where she does indeed let go. Hooray! Also, her solo spin kicked ass. Scores: Karen 4.5, Nicky 4.5, Jason 4.5, Ruthie 4.5, Robin 4.5 for a total of 22.5. Fred thought Zaraah was hot this week. Zaraah says that she didn't want to "beat" Chris and Frankie, she just wanted to be as good as them. Jayne compliments Zaraah's footwork at the beginning. Robin says that he's been waiting for Zaraah to become scared and nervous, but she's been delivering every week. He says that the routine was choreographed for two professionals, and compliments Zaraah's tabletop lift. Jason tells Zaraah that he loves the way she feels the music and expresses everything, and reminds us about six times that this is week three for Zaraah, which is stupid, because she's good even by week five standards, Tim. Oh, and Gareth's back in third place now, of course. Heh.

Back from the ads, and it's time for Steve. Oh, joy. Replay of Jason saying he wishes he could get rid of both of them. Steve says he is "so over Jason", and that he's been picking on them since week one. First of all, why this mention of "us", Steve? I don't think Jason is criticising Susie, somehow. Also, if you don't want Jason to pick on you, stop sucking. It's that simple. Anyway, Steven fantasises about whirling Jason around by his scarf, and gets a visit from Kyran Bracken, who teaches him about the value of emoting [and being ARTISTIC, when you are a SPORTSMAN - Carrie]. Steve and Susie are skating to 'Uptown Girl'. Steve is EMOTING like his life depends on it, and it's quite hilarious. But I'm more interested in the lighting designers' attempts to create an "uptown world" on the ice than I am in the routine itself, which is kind of dull. Scores: Karen 3.5, Nicky 4.0, Jason 3.0, Ruthie 3.5, Robin 3.0 for a total of 17 - Steve's highest score so far. Steve says that if you like the music you can give the routine everything. He says that he had to get over last week's comments, and his opening VT really suggested he was successful in that. Jayne said they tried to push Steve out of his comfort zone this week, and he showed that he could cope with. Jason cattily tells Steve that he has nothing to worry about because Steve can't even pick Susie up and spin her around. Oh no he didn't! He tells Steve he has the best spiral leg in the competition, and says he did well on the element, but his footwork is like watching someone walking on crushed glass. Nicky says that the guys don't need to do big lifts to impress him, he likes - wait for it - Dancing on Ice. He also adds "Steps on Ice", and I think I had tickets for that in 2001.

Linda and Daniel are next, and they will be skating to 'Mickey' by Toni Bassil, which explains why she and Daniel are dressed like they just skated off the set of Bring It On 6: Because We Forgot To Bring It Last Week. Linda struggles with her cheerleader moves, so she goes to see the North London Wildcats (what team? WILDCATS!) for some tips. The Wildcats do a little cheer for her at the end, and Linda's cheering at the background is quite lame. Don't give up the day job, love. Although I must say, I'm really enjoying her routine this week, even if she is still a little too reliant on Daniel holding her up for my liking. Scores: Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.0, Jason 3.0, Ruthie 3.0, Robin 3.0 for a total of 15.5. That's kind of fair, really. Daniel says it's the most difficult routine they've had so far. Phil points out that it was a solo spin that caused Linda to break her foot in training, so she's got a bit of a mental block on it. Ruthie tells Linda that she has grace, but she looks like she's stuck to Daniel all the time. Linda talks back: "Didn't you see me on my own, going all the way down the ice?" Ooh, get her. Robin points out that she's far more tentative on her own - she has the ability, she just needs to believe in herself.

Back from the final break, and it's time for Chris and Frankie to skate. I should add here that I am writing this for the second time, because fucking Blogger decided to log me out without saving what I'd written and wouldn't let me go back to the screen with all my work on it, and this was the only part I hadn't backed up. Which isn't relevant, but I just want it to be abundantly clear what a shitfaced arsewanking cocksucking piece of cunt Blogger can be sometimes. Okay. Good. So, we get a repeat of Chris and Frankie's crazy-ass routine from last week, which was awesome. Christopher Dean says that the great thing about working with Chris is that you can do more because he can do more. Chris is wearing a sweater that says "Bruised, not broken", which seems appropriate. Also, he needs to lay off the guyliner. He makes some comments about sculptors and moulding. Frankie says that they have three very hard lifts this week, and brings up the aforementioned tabletop, which she likens to the lift that Johnny and Baby do in Dirty Dancing, and adds that it was easier for them because they did it in water, for a nice soft landing. So Chris and Frankie go off to the swimming pool, and it's just as well because he drops Frankie a lot. They're skating to 'Cry Me A River' by Justin Timberlake, and Chris appears to be having some kind of fit at the beginning. These two always get stuck with the insane-looking choreography. Seriously, though, they're very good - very smooth-looking. It's hard to believe they're on the same show as Steve Backley. The tabletop lift goes well, and then Chris launches into the most ridiculously showoffy solo spin I've ever seen. And then at the end he does some streetdancing and ends with his cheek on the ice and his legs in the air. On purpose. Holy cow, you guys. Scores are in: Karen 5.5, Nicky 5.0, Jason 5.5, Ruthie 5.5, Robin 5.5 for a total of 27. Holy fuck. Chris is very sweaty and his mascara is running [he still had the make-up on from last week's Timewarp! - Carrie]. Chris says that he felt a lot of pressure after Fred and Zaraah nailed the tabletop lift, but it went just as they planned it. Christopher Dean says that Chris is challenging them, because it's hard for them to find stuff to do with him, and the great thing about him is that he's not plateauing, he's getting better. An emotional Karen (a shocker, I know) says that she's shocked by Chris's ability, and he doesn't know how good he is (drink!). Jason declares the performance "sublime" and says that the only thing that stopped it from being a six was Chris being a little bit heavyhanded on the dismount in the high lifts.

So Chris and Frankie are at the top of the leaderboard again, and Tim and Victoria are at the bottom. Time for the audience to start voting! Join us for the results at 8.30pm...

THE SKATE-OFF

By the end of the show, someone will be leaving the ice for good! It had better be a bloke this time, dammit.

Titles! Is it just me, or do they look like a Butlins advert?

As usual, there are twenty seconds left to cast our votes. Quick! Dial! Dial! No time left! Argh! etc. Before those all-important results come out, we get a recap of tonight's show. Greg was improved and excited Ruthie, and was gleeful backstage to have received such positive comments. Kelly from Emmerdale - sorry, Suzanne Shaw - did really well and Matt thought the Headbanger was the closest it had ever been to the ice, so Suzanne hopes not to be in the skateoff. Tim and Victoria were lame and sat down, although Tim claimed to have done his best on the spin. Gareth was BRAVE this week, according to Karen, and Jason took exception to that. Maria wants to risk more lifts if they're still here next week. Zaraah and Fred were both professional, and Zaraah felt the music. Fred points out that any positive comment from Jason is always good. Hee. Steve had the best spiral leg in the competition, but was still boring as all fuck. Steve says that's all he had to give, and if that's not enough he should go home. Damn straight. Linda was inconsistent and can't skate without Daniel holding her hand. And Chris and Frankie were in a different league entirely, and almost made Karen cry. A less sweaty backstage Chris has no idea what he's in for next week. I'd say IF HE'S STILL HERE, but that pretty much seems a given, doesn't it?

Holly asks Jason who surprised him, and he says he was surprised by Linda, who's slipping in comparison to Suzanne and Zaraah. He adds that when skating solo, she's not putting much content of her own in. Robin says that it's getting tough, and there were some great performances, but that they start again from square one next week.

Phil has the results *touches ear*, and the couples who are safe are: Gareth and Maria, Greg and Kristina, Chris and Frankie, Zaraah and Fred, Suzanne and Matt and...one couple who will find out after the break, naturally.

We're back, and the sixth couple to be declared safe is...Linda and Daniel! So it's Tim versus Steve in the skateoff, and finally some of the dead wood is going to get cut loose, thank God. They skate off to get ready, and Victoria stops to pick something up off the ice, but I can't see what it is. I hope for her sake it's Tim's sense of balance. Holly reminds Jayne that it's Steve's third skateoff, and Jayne says he did well earlier and just need to repeat it. Chris adds that Tim is no stranger to the skateoff either, and needs to find his confidence.

Tim and Victoria are the first couple to repeat their routine, and it's more or less the same as it was the first time, but with a bit more gusto. This time Tim manages two complete solo spins, but loses his balance and flies towards the judges, managing to right himself just in time. It's pretty funny. Phil points out that he thought Tim was going to headbutt Jason, and Tim says that if he could've found him while he was spinning, he probably would've done. Heh. Chris says it was a great performance up until the very end. Steve and Susie return to the ice to cries of "Steve-o! Steve-o!" Oh dear. Steve's quite wobbly in his second performance, and I can't remember if he was that wobbly first time around or not, but he lifts his foot up for the solo spin this time, so bravo to him for that. [I like his ACTING. - Carrie] They finish in perfect synch with the music, which they didn't first time around, so that's a bonus. Steve tells Phil that he can't take any more of this, but he feels like it went well the second time around, aside from a little hiccup in the middle. Chris says Steve is consistent, but consistency is less of a positive attribute when you're being consistently average, surely? (That last sentiment was mine, not Christopher Dean's, just for the sake of clarity.) [Christopher Dean may well share that sentiment. It's the kind of MEAN-SPIRITED comment he might wheel out. Whatever happened to points for courage? - Carrie]

Time for the judges' vote: Karen says there were mistakes on both, but the spin cost Tim dearly, so she votes to save Steve. Nicky votes to save Steve also, for a super spin and a lovely spiral. Jason also votes to save Steve, "the luckiest man on ice". Ruthie says Tim has a great spirit but votes for Steve, and Robin makes it a clean sweep. Dude has more lives than a cat. Phil points out that the flowers match Tim's outfit, and Holly adds that any colour would. Hee. Tim says that he thinks he's found his level and that everyone's doing really well. On Tim's best bits, he says that he doesn't need to fall, he's just doing it for the sake of the tape. Heh. His clips are pretty good, actually, all things considered, but I can't say I'm going to miss him. Or even remember he was on the show in the first place, in all likelihood. Tim and Victoria skate off for their lap of honour, Phil promises that next week's show will contain an opening skate from all of the contestants as the show goes back to the sixties. Sounds fun. See you next Sunday!

Sunday, 3 February 2008

There's no business like showbusiness

Show 4: 3rd February 2008

Last week, emotions ran high, as Michael and Mel blubbed their way out of the competition, and Mumba was kicked out despite being a better skater than Steve, because she was a looper. This week, Dancing on Ice “hits Broadway”. That’s not strictly true – but our couples will indeed be dancing to showtunes.

Hooray!

Phil welcomes us, and Holly’s breasts are slightly more concealed slightly more than they were last week. Phil teases her about the whole ZOMG HOLLY HAS BOOBS controversy, and she blushes. He promises us that Dancing on Ice will be CAMPER THAN EVER than usual “as if that were possible”.

And now Jayne gets to dance with people who aren’t Christopher Dean WHO IS INJURED! She has a whole posse of boys, including my Andrei, as the rest of the company skate around her to One from A Chorus Line. I am very much in favour of Jayne getting to dance with people who won’t shout at her and make her cry. [I did enjoy the fact that the routine and the choice of song were very "Christopher Who?" - Steve] I imagine Ruthie Henshall, as the original Roxie in the West End revival of Chicago, will agree, and vehemently support the concept of having a bunch of boys (“I’m gonna get me a swell act too...I’m going to get me a boy to pick me up and show me off…hell, I’m gonna get me two boys, it’ll frame me better…think big, Roxie – I’m gonna get me a WHOLE BUNCH OF BOYS!”)

Chris is waiting for her with Phil and Holly. He is doing his best to pretend he doesn’t mind that much that she’s skating without him, but he’s not that good an actor. Jayne hugs him. She says it sounds strange when she’s announced without his name, but it’s not the start of a solo career – “as my son said, ‘You should keep Chris.’ So I will.”

This week’s required element is the shadow step sequence. Gubba explains what it is, but if you seriously need a definition of a ‘shadow step sequence’, you really shouldn’t be allowed out by yourself. Phil thanks Jayne and Chris; Chris kisses Jayne’s hair.

Here are our skating stars – Tim and Victoria; Linda and Dan; Steve and Susie; Suzanne and Matt; Aggie and Sergey; Chris and Frankie; Greg and Kristina; Zaraah and Fred; Gareth and Maria. I think my mum and I have managed to successfully guess what songs they are performing to simply from their costumes, so well done to wardrobe this week.

Time for us to meet the Ice Panel – Karen, Nicky (in his tux), Jason (BOOOOOOOOO), Ruthie and Head Judge Robin Cousins. Robin blahs about it being difficult, like he does every week, bless him, when he’s obviously thinking, “THIS IS SO EASY, I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO THIS FOR THE PAST 45 YEARS.”

First, Tim and Victoria. My mum doesn’t like them; and I have to say that I haven’t particularly warmed to them either. Chris tells us that they’re skating to a song from Grease, and Tim is looking forward to being Danny Zuko. They go to see Grease in London’s Trendy West End, and Tim has an acting masterclass with Susan McFadden. Srsly. Tim Vincent USED TO BE AN ACTOR, or has he forgotten? It’s You’re The One That I Want, obviously. Why isn’t Victoria wearing black boots? Something needs to be done about this ridiculous fad for flesh-coloured footwear. It’s an OK routine – a bit clumpy on the start of the step sequence, but he picks it up, and it finishes well. Scores – Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.5, Jason 3.0, Ruthie 3.0 and Robin 3.0 for a total of 16.0. The audience boo; Tim says he didn’t deserve any more than that. Heh. Jayne has changed into a nice red dress, and says that he skated quicker this week. Nicky says that he admired the attack and the speed and the good presentation, but the skating wasn’t all that. He fails to inform us that it is about Dancing on Ice. [I know! For a second I thought I was still watching Torchwood. - Steve] Ruthie is the expert and gives us a potted history of the character Tim should be inhabiting (“King of cool…head of the T-Birds”). My mum suggests that Ruthie could be Kym Marsh’s older sister.

Break!

Phil welcomes us back, and there are people in the audience waving banners for Aggie. DO NOT WANT. Linda and Dan are so cute. He continues to rehearse with his glasses on. Linda is making the effort to skate by herself this week, but she doesn’t like letting go of Dan’s hand. She swears a lot. Chris says, “You’ll get there. It might be next Tuesday, but…” Rude. What kind of thing is that to say? Linda’s chum David Seaman turns up at the rink and skates with her. They are cute too! Linda and Dan, resplendent in checkerboard outfits, are of course dancing to I Know Him So Well, a karaoke favourite of your Bitching on Ice team. [I thought we agreed that was to stay behind closed doors? - Steve] Linda actually looks pretty good when she’s skating by herself, and they’ve both got their Acting Faces on. There are a few good lifts in here, and this is definitely their best routine yet. Scores – Karen 4.0, Nicky 3.5, Jason 3.0 , Ruthie 3.0 and Robin 3.5 for a total of 17.0. Ooh, that’s a bit low. I thought they deserved more than that. Chris admires their connection. Aww. Jason says he is looking for great performances and interpretations, and that wasn’t it, as she looked terrified when she wasn’t with Dan. Booooooooo! Holly asks Karen what she thinks, and Nicky interrupts to give his opinion, despite nobody asking for it. Phil mocks Nicky. Quite right too.

Next, Steve and Susie. Chris says that Steve came out fighting in the skate-off; Jayne agrees, albeit with a giggle. Steve is demoralised and is Losing His Fighting Spirit, because it is so very hard. He hides behind an advertising hoarding, announcing, “I’m hiding.” Susie, in her lovely Geordie style, replies: “I can’t do it on me oooown.” They’re skating to Hello Dolly, and Steve’s skating seems to be OK in terms of footwork, but the actual dancing and performance is just so laboured. But what the hell, I like him, and I like Susie because Andrei married her so she must be nice. [That's...not the most watertight theory I've ever heard. Alesha married Harvey, and he's not nice. - Steve] [Much as I love Alesha, Harvey was ALWAYS a cockhead of immense proportions. I hoped she'd knock some sense into him. Susie does pretty ice-skating and is delicate and beautiful, also Geordie. - Carrie] Go Team Backley/Lipanova! Scores – Karen 3.0, Nicky 3.0, Jason 2.5, Ruthie 3.0 and Robin 3.0 for a total of 14.5. Steve felt he let Susie down last week (ahh!) and he is disappointed with his scores this week. Jayne says she thought there was more commitment this week. Karen says he looks more comfortable on the ice this week, and cheerleads his previous sporting achievements. She’s a rubbish judge. Lovely lady, I’m sure, but she doesn’t say anything useful in her judging capacity. Jason opens his mouth to speak, and the audience boo. Heh.

It’s the fluorescent Suzanne and Matt now, all legwarmered and headbanded up. Can you guess what they’re skating to? Matt says the routine is extremely difficult. Suzanne crashes to the ground a lot. In dress rehearsal, Suzanne cracks a rib. Oh DEAR. But! The Show Must Go On. The routine begins with a bit of tap-dancing, then the music kicks in – Fame! The audience clap along. Suzanne goes into the splits and looks agonised. She must be in a hella lot of pain. Doubtless her ‘hard’ face will be criticised, though. A few wobbles throughout the routine, but you have to admire the girlie’s guts. Scores – Karen 4.5, Nicky 4.5, Jason 4.0, Ruthie 4.5 and Robin 4.5 – a total of 22.0. Phil asks Suzanne if the splits hurt. She says no. Phil says it looks as if she was in pain, and she replies that that shouldn’t have shown. Heh. Robin admires her performance skillz and the fact that she gave “more than 100%” (grrr).

Preview – Aggie cracks her skull and screams. Why doesn’t she just quit?

Ads – Alexander O’Neal has a new CD out. ZOMG.

Next up, Aggie and Sergey, who is dinky. For three weeks running, Aggie has been shit, but still HAS NOT GONE. She falls over a lot in rehearsal. Torvill and Dean look pissed off. She screeches her way through rehearsal. She cracks her head and Sergey hugs her, kissing the wound better. Aw. [She wails like a child, though. I mean, I'm sure it hurt, but I just can't stomach an adult wailing. - Steve] Aggie has realised that she is only in because people vote for her. CLEARLY. They are skating to I Feel Pretty, which highly amused Jason in yesterday’s Make Me A Star, because he’s a bitch. (Incidentally, I note that Karen was invited to the secret judges’ dinner party yesterday, but Nicky still wasn’t.) Aggie falls over. There you go, she’ll be safe for another week, then. Scores – Karen 2.0, Nicky 2.0, Jason 1.5, Ruthie 2.5 and Robin 2.0, for a total of 12.0. Aggie is upset and embarrassed, and looks like she is about to cry. Sergey cuddles her and he says he feels how she is dancing. Bless him. Jason criticises the song choice – it is about a young woman experiencing a first love, and it was inappropriate. [And is, of course, extremely and unnecessarily personal about Aggie in the process. What a horrid little man. - Steve] He hopes that the viewers will stop being sadistic, ie stop saving her and finally get rid. Karen says she is always relieved when the music is over and Aggie is still in one piece. Phil gives out the phone number to vote for Aggie, and Sergey raises an arm in a solidarity salute.

Chris and Frankie were the Best Ones last week, and this week they are Timewarping (to the film recording of the soundtrack). Frankie is unimpressed at the insane difficulty with the routine. You’d think that she’d be able to manage it, really, seeing as that’s what she’s employed to do. She does seem to be being flung around a lot. Chris is rehearsing in an ice-hockey shirt, because he USED TO PLAY ICE HOCKEY. Chris is Acting in character as Riff-Raff, with Frankie as Columbia. It’s a frantic routine, but it’s a lot of fun. [I haven't laughed that much in ages, and only 50% of the laughs were mean ones. - Steve] Scores – Karen 5.0, Nicky 5.0, Jason 5.0, Ruthie 5.0 and Robin 5.0, for a MASSIVE 25.0! Chris has lost his voice, and growls his way through a lot of insipid comments. Frankie is proud of him. Drink! Chris is wearing tights under his trousers. Like we needed to know that. Holly thanks the judges for fabulous scores. Robin is impressed that Chris committed himself to the routine and praises the quality of the skating. Ruthie liked the performance and says the competition is becoming a one-horse race. Ooh.

Break!

This week, Greg is terrified, because there is dancing. Greg, darling, DANCING ON ICE. How many more weeks do we have to explain this to you? [Perhaps Nicky could cover the subject in more detail for him? Maybe as an evening class. - Steve] He is worried about lifting Kristina and hurting her, so they take out a scary lift and put in an easy one. They are skating to Any Dream Will Do, and Greg has been singing his way through rehearsals. Heh. The audience are singing along! The opening sequence involves extended arms, and he really does have an incredibly wide reach. My mum suggests that he should be dancing with Steve Backley instead. Again, his skating isn’t too bad, but he can’t dance, and with such a teeny-tiny partner he looks like a lummox. Scores – Karen 3.0, Nicky 3.0, Jason 2.5, Ruthie 2.0 and Robin 2.5 and that’s a total of 13.0. Greg was pleased they took out the lift, as was Kristina. She is proud of him. Drink! Jayne thinks Greg has improved since last week. Ruthie says that she actually gave a 2.5, so that score should really be 13.5, but she thinks it might be time for Greg to go. She suggests that he should watch Kristina’s performance to get some ideas. Greg says he would like to come back next week and prove her wrong, and Ruthie agrees that she would like that too.

Newbie Zaraah is next, with lovely Fred. She crashes around a lot in rehearsal. They compare ‘emotional’ acting faces. They are going to do some scary lifting. Zaraah seems very nice, and is wearing a very pretty dress, so well done to her. [I want Zaraah to win, and I'm not even sure why. - Steve] They are skating to Don’t Cry For Me Argentina (Madonna version, ie FROM THE FILM). The drape lift doesn’t go as successfully as I’d imagine they’d wanted, with Zaraah dropping down to Fred’s shoulder very quickly, but there’s no blood and no noticeable deviation from the routine. Scores – Karen 4.5, Nicky 4.0, Jason 3.5, Ruthie 3.0, and Robin 4.0, for a total of 19.0. Zaraah admits that she came out of the lift quickly, and Fred points out that it’s only her second week. Yeah, we know. Robin suspects that nerves played their part tonight, and that she will help to make the show into a real competition.

Break!

The final contestant of the evening is Gareth, who slagged Maria off all last week, so am hoping to see her punch him in this week’s VT. Tonight, viewers, Gareth Gates is going to be Billy Flynn! They go to visit Duncan from Blue at the Cambridge Theatre. In the masterclass, Duncan dances with Maria while Gareth dances with a chorus girl. Maria misses Duncan, I think. They’re skating to the FILM RECORDING of Razzle Dazzle [Aah, I was wondering why it was so sucky. That explains it. - Steve], and Maria has a pretty black and silver dress, while Gareth has a see-through top – not exactly Billy Flynn. It’s not Fosse, but it’s good. Scores – Karen 4.0, Nicky 4.5, Jason 4.0, Ruthie 4.0 and Robin 4.0 for a total of 20.5 – their highest score, and they’re finally in the 20s! Phil asks Gareth if he took wardrobe tips from Holly. Hehe! Nicky is impressed with the detail that Gareth put into the arm movement, and wants him to take it up a gear. Jason says that “both Ruthie and I have done Chicago” – yeah, but Ruthie did to more effect and renown than you did, Gardiner, because she is a West End Leading Lady.

That’s your lot. Chris and Frankie are top of the pile; Aggie and Sergey are bottom, obviously. Join us in an hour to see who’s going to be next to leave! I can pretty much guarantee that it won’t be Aggie, but we can hope! [That's the last time I take your word for anything! - Steve]

Results show

Earlier tonight! Our nine couples danced ON ICE for our votes! Now one must LEAVE THE ICE FOR GOOD! It’s the SKATE-OFF!

Phil welcomes us back and urges us to vote as the lines will close in 20 seconds. He summarises the night’s action. Holly witters for six seconds. The lines close – Phil chants, “Don’t phone now, your vote won’t count and you might still be charged!”

Recap along with additional backstage comments – Tim says he and Victoria had a good time, and rated his performance as eight out of 10, somewhat over-optimistically. Linda says Jason is entitled to his opinion. Steve was pleased to get through it. Susie calls him “Dolly”. Hehe. Suzanne is happy. Aggie knows she isn’t good, and she lacks confidence. Right. Chris thought he was going to fall over, but he didn’t. Greg says that if he is in the skate-off, he will find a way to stay, because he thinks he is getting better. Zaraah enthuses about how good Chris and Suzanne are, and she wants to be up there with them. Gareth is pleased to break the 20-point barrier, and hopes he dazzled the people at home. [Only if by "dazzled" he means "bored". Nothing against Gareth, but that really was an uninspired routine. - Steve]

Holly does jazz hands, for no apparent reason. Jason says that Chris was best. Robin says Greg, Aggie and Steve are more suited to Ealing Broadway than New York Broadway. HA! [As someone who lives very near to Ealing Broadway, I take huge offence to that. We had an ice-rink at Christmas, and we wouldn't have tolerated any of them. - Steve]

Phil has the * touches ear * results! The couples who are safe – Greg and Kristina! They are gobsmacked and SO HAPPY! Yay! Chris and Frankie! Linda and Dan! Gareth and Maria! Zaraah and Fred! Suzanne and Matt!

And the seventh couple will be revealed after the break.

Break!

SO! Now Phil will deign to tell us who’s through and definitely skating next week – Tim and Victoria! Booooooooo!

Steve and Susie and Aggie and Sergey seems a reasonably fair bottom two, don’t you think? And I am very proud of the British public for not resorting to the sympathy vote this week.

Jayne says that Steve needs to skate with full commitment, as he did last week. Chris says that Aggie needs to take advantage of her second chance. Except he says “chance” with a mid-Atlantic drawl.

Steve and Susie go first. He takes the opening position and blows kisses to the audience. That’s the kind of performing he should be doing first time round, really, then Ruthie and Jason might be nicer to him. Well, Ruthie might, anyway. Actually, Ruthie seems quite enamoured with him apart from his skating skills, so maybe a bit of chest and arm exposure might work? Steve splutters about not feeling on top of his game, but cannot define why, despite Phil’s pressing and fierce interrogative skillz.

Aggie and Sergey come out, and goodness me, Aggie doesn’t even look happy standing still on ice. She looks OK when Sergey lifts her up and spins her round, though, but to be honest I think I’d quite enjoy that too. It’s better than it was first time out, but it still sucks. Sorry, Aggie, but you MUST GO NOW.

Phil asks Jayne if they’ve done enough. Jayne clearly knows that they haven’t and replies, “It’s up to the judges to decide.” Aggie tells Sergey that he’s her champion, and Sergey says, “You too.” Aw, he is so sweet.

Here we go, then – the Ice Panel have to decide who to kick out. Who will they save? Karen saves Steve, and says, “It’s not difficult”, thus no weeping, hahaha; Nicky saves Steve, though Aggie is OVER 50 and brave; Jason says it’s a shame he can’t get rid of both of them, but saves Steve (that was bollocking rude. Srsly, Jason, get some manners); Ruthie says Aggie is a “wonderful warrior woman” and saves Steve; and Robin says that neither of them were particularly on their game, but will save Steve.

Aggie is glad it’s all over. We see a VT of her “best bits”, which is actually a collection of her screeching and falling. Phil asks Aggie if she has anything to say to Jason, and she says that she thinks he has a “certain vulnerability” (wtf?). [Perhaps she meant "certain vulture ability"? That would make a little more sense, albeit not much. - Steve] She says the best thing has been working with Sergey, which isn’t a great shock.

Phil and Holly bid Aggie farewell, and the rest of us too. They’ll see us next week!