Tx 8th March 2009
Last week! It was the gayest show ever! EVER! This week! The skaters must jump! Coleen will fall over! This! Is! Dancing on Ice!
Phil is wearing a ridiculously shiny suit. Holly introduces "two of the best skating stars in the world", and I half-think they are going to have special guests because they're usually so (rightly) hyperbolic, but no, it's Torvill and Dean. They skate to Save The Last Dance For Me. Srsly, you're not telling me that skating is easier for girls. Jayne is awesome.
This week, there will be unassisted jumps, as I've already told you. Here are our contestants - Jess and Pavel; Donal and Florentine; Zoe and Matt; Coleen and Stuart; and that Scouse gimp and Maria.
And the Ice Panel - Karen, Nicky, Jason BOOOOOOOOOOOO, Ruthie and Head Judge Robin Cousins (Holly says, "He's got more medals than I've had hot dinners, and I'm eating for two" - chortle). Robin says that the element is important, but so are sharp, dynamic performances. YES. DO THIS, PLZ, SKATERZ.
Phil says he has been mean to Jason and he would like to apologise - to Ruthie, who has to sit next to him. Not to Nicky, though, you'll note.
Break! This bloody show.
Phil welcomes us back, and tells us that Jess is going for the tabletop lift tonight. She VTs that being in the quarter-finals of Dancing on Ice is the best thing ever, ever. We are reminded that Jess had a big clunking fall a few weeks ago and she is a bit worried about something similar happening again. She reckons she is about ten feet in the air when Pavel lifts her. I think she is exaggerating a little. COWARD.
They are skating to Mercy, which I thought had already been done this year, but maybe I'm thinking of Strictly last year. I am loving Pavel's dancing. There is much armography (c Craig Revel Horwood) and many lifts. Scores - 5.0s from the skating judges, 5.5s from the performance judges for a total of 26.0. "UH-MAY-ZING," says Jess, just like Craig Revel Horwood. Pavel says she did well. Jason says listening to him paid off. Nicky is a whinging old bastard for a bit, and then says "ICE" and is happy all of a sudden.
Chris tells us that Donal is progressing every week. Which is good, as that's the whole bloody idea. [Try telling that to Coleen. - Steve] We discover that Donal failed his driving test four times, and he finds it difficult to drive Florentine in one of their moves. Not a euphemism. It's actually driving her - manoeuvring her around while he straddles her. Oh, this just sounds filthy. It's not.
They're skating to Let's Stick Together. They also have some armography but Donal looks a bit uneasy with it. He does manage to drive Florentine, though. Their big lift is a bit clunky - Florentine seems to have problems getting hold of his hands. Scores - Karen 4.0, and everyone else 4.5 for a total of 22.0. Donal says that because Florentine is French, he keeps trying to drive on the wrong side of the road. Nobody really laughs. I feel a bit sorry for him. Jayne says she never thought he would be able to jump, and he is one of the best celebrities at landing his partner on the ice after a lift. Holly mocks Karen by saying that she gave the lowest mark and doesn't think it has ever happened before. [In fairness, even Karen seems slightly surprised by this. Then again, Karen seems slightly surprised pretty much all the time. - Steve] Jason says Donal looks like a serial killer. Sigh.
Last week, Zoe got a 6.0 from Ruthie, but she still had to skate off. This week, she is skating to Run by Leona Lewis, and when she learns this, she goes mad and yelpy and scares lovely Matt who whips his hands to his chest in adorably surprised fashion. She has problems in the dress rehearsal and she cries and cries. She concludes that she should probably just do the best she can do. Good plan.
Aw, but the routine is GORGEOUS, and they look so pretty in their rose-coloured costumes. They are so intense and not bubbly, which is unusual but I think I quite like it. Scores - Karen 5.0, Nicky 4.0, Jason 4.5, Ruthie 5.5, and Robin 4.5 for a total of 23.5. Zoe says she loves still being here, but tonight could have been better. Matt says he thinks she did an amazing job, because he is lovely. Robin tells her that she needs the emotional attachment with her partner and the performance, but what he saw tonight was nervous. Ruthie and Jason argue a bit, because she is Team Zoe and he is not.
We come back to Phil hitting Jason on the head with a supersized hammer. Bored of that particular gimmick already. I'm also bored of Coleen, who's up next. In rehearsal, practising the jump, she falls over a lot. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? She lands on her wrist. It hurts. She whines. She goes to hospital. Nothing is broken, but apparently something MIGHT be fractured in nine or ten days' time. Is that how bones work? Whatever. She's fine to skate.
They skate to Diamonds Are Forever and wear lovely sparkly costumes. She looks doddery, and has to do an assisted jump because of her wrist - whatever. [I would've thought that would put more pressure on it rather than less. - Steve] Scores 3.5 from the skaters and 4.0 from the performers, so a total of 18.5. Robin says it is her best performance of the competition, and she looked like she enjoyed it. He admits she is nowhere near as good as the others, but it was still better than the rest of the shite she's churned out. "Good girl, Coleen," patronises Jason.
Final skater - that Liverpudlian vomit-inducer. Last week he couldn't throw a hat. This week he has to do the Russian split jump, ie mid-air splits, like Head Judge Robin Cousins. On the plus side, he might fall. Ray reveals exclusively that Head Judge Robin Cousins was AMAZING at skating. O RLY? Fuckwit.
Oh, ew, Ray has a gold vest on. Can't watch. Fast-forwarding. Will rewind if he falls. Oh, boo, he doesn't. Scores - 5.5s from everyone except Ruthie, who gives a 6.0. I almost start liking Ray when he says that Head Judge Robin Cousins is a god, but then I'm distracted by Chris Dean saying, "It was good for me," and I feel like being sick twice over. Robin tells Ray that the split jump was great, but there were a few other things that were messy. [Like his face. - Steve]
So that's it - Ray and Maria top, Coleen and Stuart at the bottom, and frankly I think we could have predicted that entire leaderboard without anyone actually having to skate. Who will go? Let's find out!
Earlier tonight, five couples skated; now one couple must leave, and we can only hope that it'll be Coleen and Stuart.
Recap now with BACKSTAGE GOSSIP! Jess says the comments from Jason were amazing and Pavel says they are BACK with a vengeance. Bless him! Donal and Florentine keep talking about driving and I am bored of it. Zoe and Matt do not want to skate again. Coleen says Jason made her night with the mark of 4.0. Ray tries to be humble and it really does not come over convincingly.
Holly asks Karen who jumped best - she says Ray and Jess. Robin says that judging on the previous weeks, and in comparison to all the others, Coleen should go out this week.
Time for the results. You might think we're cracking on but don't forget we have that fucking ludicrous Make Me A Star filler yet. Phil touches his ear and reveals that next week the couples skating will be - Ray and Maria; and Donal and Florentine. And, obviously, we'll get the third couple after the break.
Buy things! It's good for you!
Right, the final couple going through - Coleen and Stuart. You are FUCKING KIDDING ME.
Zoe and Jess in the skate-off? This is fucking mad. Stupid fucking show. Stupid fucking votes. [Saw it coming a mile off, but it didn't make me any less angry. I give up with this fucking show. - Steve]
Now the stupid Make Me A Star auditions, with the four-year-old who's been skating for six years, the Thriller ON ICE, rhythmic gymnastics, and the pretty boy in tight jeans and a vest who Jayne liked. He takes his shirt off this time. "It was my mum's idea," he reveals. Aww, that's both lovely and sinister. Chris doesn't seem that impressed. There is much tedious boringness. Molly doesn't get through. The vest boy does. I really couldn't care less about this, guys.
Anyway, let's get back to business with the skate-off. Jess and Pav go first; Zoe and Matt go second. Phil tells everyone they have done well. Coleen annoys me irrationally by standing by the side of the rink applauding. Chris reckons he can't separate the two.
But the judges must! Karen isn't crying. I feel robbed. She saves Jess. Nicky says neither should be leaving, but he saves Jess. Jason says it is a shame that it's a popularity contest, but he saves Jess. Ruthie says they should both be going through, but she saves Zoe, because she loves her. Head Judge Robin saves Jess as well, just for completism's sake.
Highlights of Zoe's time on the show - much squealing and clattering and laughing. She says it's been amazing and great to be involved and she's excited about the tour. Matt is all choked up. [And that's sweet, because for the longest time I honestly thought Matt couldn't stand Zoe, but apparently not. Aww. I will miss both of them - they were my favourite celeb and my favourite pro this year. I've given up on everyone else. - Steve]
Next week - GIRLS ALOUD! Join Steve then!