Sunday, 10 January 2010

You've gotta be right, right? RIGHT!

The girls
Tx: 10th January 2010

Hello, everybody! Welcome to the first live show of the series, complete with nasty kissing bumpers. (That sounds ruder than intended.) Chime-bars and twinkling snow-covered promo lead into the drama-infused pre-show montage (Mikey saying, "THE ICE MAN COMETH!", lots of people falling over, Heather Mills taking her leg off, Emily looking a peculiar colour, lots of people fallling over again), because this, of course, is Dancing On Ice 2010!


Red heart lighting and dry ice fly over the rink, and the professional skaters ARISE FROM THE FLOOR AS IF BY MAGIC. They are dressed as...clowns and jesters, maybe? Blimey O'Reilly, there are a lot of pros this year. Anyway, Jayne and Chris appear from nowhere, and the routine proper to Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This, not My LA Ex). It's a bit Thriller-inspired, and then there are jugglers and hula-hoopers and fake violinists and this rink is FAR too small for this madness. Good, though. Jayne looks fabulous. Chris looks pained.

Ah, here are Phil and Holly, who greet each other as if they've not seen each other for months. Phil says they are back bigger and better than ever. Well, Holly is significantly smaller than she was before, is she not? [Her boobs are still magnificent, though. - Steve] Time for us all to hail Jayne and Chris, who tell us that this year's celebs are enthusiastic, a joy to teach, excited and nervous. Phil amps up the fear by telling us that the contestants are terrified but they must begin to skate for OUR VIEWING PLEASURE RIGHT NOW, BITCHES!

Welcome our skaters, then - Danniella and Matthew; Gary and Maria, whose hair looks lovely; Tana and Stuart; Bobby and Molly, who sound like a kids' TV show; Hayley and Daniel; Danny and Frankie; Sharron, who can barely stand up and looks incredibly ungainly, and lovely Pavel; Dr Hilary and Alexandra; Emily, who is not famous, and lovely Fred; Kieron and Brianne; Sinitta and my Andrei, yay!; Jeremy, who used to be a professional dancer, lest we forget, and Susie; Heather and lovely Matt; and finally Mikey and Mel. Seriously, show, have you learnt nothing from the mistakes of Strictly? Too many contestants spoil the series. Anyway, let's crack on.

Phil is excited that none of this rabble have fallen over tonight, and tells us that only the ladies are skating tonight. But of course, that will be after the break.


Ooh, let us meet the Ice Panel - Karen, who's looking positively radiant (no runny mascara yet); Nicky ON ICE Slater; Jason, who is wearing a neckerchief; Emma, who is having too much fun; and Head Judge Robin. Holly welcomes the new girl, and Emma begins by playing up the "Jason is evil" card. Robin says that skaters must show us Who They Are and why we should keep them in. Then Phil jokes that when he heard there was going to be a new face on the panel, he thought Jason was having some work done, to which Jason giggles like a schoolgirl and replies, "Not this year!" Ha!

First up, Danniella and Matthew. We see her in EastEnders at the age of 15, with a beautiful nose. She says that her motivation is making her kids proud of her. Grrr. She sees Matthew skate and comments, "He's really good, innee?" Big exaggeration of her fears as Matthew skates around in a vest. She bursts into tears, and Karen is unsurprisingly sympathetic. Matthew tells her it is her mind making her feel nervous. Ah right. Thanks for that.

They are skating to Evacuate The Dancefloor. She looks lovely in white and silver, and they've recycled Suzanne and Matt's lighting for Music. Danniella can certainly dance and has a certain musicality about her movement. There are a lot of lifts and tricks in this routine and she acquits herself well. Oh, I'd forgotten about Gubba and his inane analysis! He says Matthew looks like Donny Osmond, presumably because he has nice white teeth. Scores - Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.5, Jason 3.0, Emma 3.5 and Robin 3.5 for a total of 17. Danniella is ecstatic and says it's the best thing she has ever done in her life. Insert drugs joke here. Phil welcomes Matthew, who says that he is proud of Danniella. Drink! Chris says it was the best performance Danniella has ever done, and Jayne says they couldn't have asked any more of her. Aw, yay! Head Judge Robin says it was terrific, and she didn't show any of her nerves. He too comments on her musicality. I heart Head Judge Robin. Emma says her transitions out of her lifts were good, and the more relaxed she gets, the better she will be. Karen congratulates her and possibly calls her Danielle. Jason likes her lines. HAHAHAHAHAHA insert another drugs joke here.

Next, cookery author and celebrity cuckolded wife Tana Ramsay. [I'm so glad you managed to work out what they were calling her. All I could hear was "Cook Reporter", like Roger Cook, and I was sure that couldn't be right. - Steve] Chris muses about Tana's inner strength, and Jayne is sure that she will work hard. Stuart thinks she'll have problems with the dancing, and Tana reveals she was thrown out of ballet when she was younger because she was so clumsy. Here, your Bitching team feel a certain sense of sympathy, both of us being immensely clumsy ourselves. They've given her a lyrical routine so she has more time to think about what she's doing. Tana says, "It's ON ICE. It's DANCING." In the studio, Nicky Slater surely nods approvingly.

They're skating to Take My Breath Away (not the Bunton song, the Berlin one). Tana's movement is stilted but when she's in the lifts and holds she looks happier, as you would, I suppose. It's a nice routine but she's struggling and nervous. Gubba reveals that this morning Tana forgot her skates. Oh dear. Scores - Karen 3.0, Nicky 2.0, Jason 2.0, Emma 3.0 and Robin 2.5 for a total of 12.5. Phil reassures her that it's a very good score for a first routine, and she claims she enjoyed it despite being terrified. Chris mangles adverbs but says we will see much more of Tana as the weeks progress. Jason says she's not been working hard enough on her lines, and in the audience Gordon is holding his head in his hands and laughing. Jason asks her to emote more and suggests that she should get more of her husband's fire. Nicky says her family and friends will tell her "well done" and she should be proud of herself, but there is a mountain to climb still - she can do movements but the routine doesn't flow ON ICE.

Another quick break, and now we get a sneak preview of the boys. Jayne tells us they are a determined bunch who will give the girls a run for their money. Gary Lucy does not like losing, but he cannot dance and fears looking like a wally. Too late for that, mate, you did FOOTBALLERS' WIVES. Bobby is busy in panto but must focus. Danny has no skating experience and has a challenging routine which involves being sliced in the face by Frankie, apparently. Dr Hilary is the oldest contestant so far. Kieron says he struggles picking up the phone, let alone a "full human being", heh. Jeremy reckons he's pulled his hamstring but is clutching his groin. Mikey did not come to lose. In the studio, Bobby says this is terrifying but he has had good practice in the snowy weather this week HA HA. Mikey is glad he has an extra week to train. Danny says the girls are capable and lovely. Gary thinks the girls have done very well so far tonight. All two of them.

Time for Hayley and Daniel. She has watched the show every year but confesses to being a bit rubbish at skating, though she has done it before. Hayley and Dan are old mates. They met at an ice rink. Hmm. She had a crush on him at the age of 12. Poor 12-year-old Hayley's thwarted love. And then she smashes a rib. It is clearly the Curse Of The Janets striking her. You wait, she'll have a hole in her head and a broken ankle soon.

They are skating to Shake Your Tailfeather, which you could probably guess from Hayley's elaborately feathered costume. Alesha danced to this on Strictly so that is a good omen. Obviously as a musical theatre actress Hayley can dance well, and she and Daniel have an existing affectionate relationship and that chemistry is evident, so these two have a major advantage already. And I suspect Hayley was talking down her skating capacity previously as well...this is joyful. Love them. Gubba suggests that they should have become an ice-skating pair 20 years ago. I'm sure both Dan and Hayley will thank him for that little reminder of their ages. Scores - 4.0 from everyone but Jason, who awards a 3.5, for a total of 19.5. Hayley bubbles all over the place and says she can't even feel her ribs any more. Dan says it is a dream come true to skate with Hayley. Aww. Chris says it was a great performance which sucked him in. Fnar. Jayne thought it was polished. Jason is smiling, and then likens Hayley to a Shetland pony in a metaphor that does not really go anywhere. He warns Hayley to pull back the contrived over-performance, and Emma agrees on the "stage-school smile". Well, she'd know.


Phil welcomes Ben Shepherd and Coleen Nolan, who plug their inevitably fuckawful Friday night show. Coleen has clearly not been keeping up the skating and is looking rather sizeable. They says lots of things of little interest.

Sharron and lovely Pavel now. She is very tall indeed, and I suspect it will be very hard for tall people to skate. Pavel is clearly a hard taskmaster and unused to his pupils talking back in the way that she does. Sharron is getting frustrated at being unable to excel. Chris whispers that Sharron is used to being the best and it's tough not to be. She admits that she is tough on herself but she'll do her best and that's all she can do.

They're skating to Search For the Hero, and Sharron's a bit Bambi-like, but she deserves kudos for starting the routine standing by herself. One of the problems here is that Pavel is visibly slowing down to stay with his partner and makes it look even more awkward and less fluid that it would be anyway. Nice use of literal choreography on the word "hide", though. Scores - Karen 3.0, Nicky 3.0, Jason 1.5, Emma 2.5, Robin 2.5 for a total of 12.5. Phil pretends that is very good, and Sharron threatens Jason in a "comedy" way and he is unimpressed. Sharron moans about being tall, then invokes her little girl, and being a sportsperson, and other reality TV show cliches. Chris says that Sharron is used to power and aggression and now she has to do something different. Sharron suggests Celebrity Ice Hockey. Holly hopes Jason has a lock on his door, and he fears she will come through the wall. Nevertheless, he says she looked like she was "possessed by a tree". Nicky is laughing but pretends he is not. Jason wants her to soften and look more feminine, or at least human. This is not the place to get into gender politics but I have so many issues with his definition of feminine, and I'd forgotten that because he hasn't got into the whole "muscles are not FEMININE" thing since Kelly Holmes. Holly glares at him, and moves to Karen, who will say nice things. She admires Sharron's athleticism and hard work, and says, "We'll work on your arms. Don't worry."

Emily who is not famous and lovely Fred next. Her face is very round. She thinks she can win because she is the youngest. And also she is partnered with Fred, at which she blushes profusely. HAHAHA. Then she giggles her way through rehearsals. Jayne and Chris suggest that she stops doing that. Fred asks her to "minimise the sound effects". Chris wants her to be more mature. Yeah, whatever. 19-year-olds aren't mature. I have to teach them and can assure you of this.

They're skating to Love Story, and Fred is in pink again. Love him. Emily doesn't move for the first 20 seconds of the routine, and then looks like she's going to cry through most of it. Gubba thinks that turning 20 makes you an adult, for some reason. Scores - Karen 2.5, Nicky 2.0, Jason 2.0, Emma 2.0 and Robin 2.0 for a total of 11.0. Emily wants to do it again, but NOT IN THE SKATE-OFF. She is quite inarticulate and tearful. [The look on her face when the scores came in was a picture - it seemed to say "shit, I am not famous enough to overcome this." - Steve] Fred thinks it is impossible for her not to squeal. She is clutching his arm and you suddenly realise how very young she is. Nicky thinks she needs to ATTACK ON ICE and though she looks lovely, that isn't enough. Emma has her really annoying DJ intonation on and likens her to an angel.

Ooh, Sinitta and my Andrei! She claims to be a singer, despite now being best known for wearing palm leaves at Simon Cowell's house. She tiptoes her way round the rink, but hopes her dance experience will prove an advantage. Chris promises her a big, strong man, and that is of course lovely lovely Andrei. In a few weeks, she enjoys being lifted, but they're struggling with the frog lift, which is the trick that ended in near-castration for Pavel when Mumba tried it, I believe. Sure enough, within a few seconds, we see footage of Andrei telling Sinitta, "You just kicked me IN THE GOOLIES!" Admirable use of British idiom, Andrei. Gratuitous shot of Andrei's bruised groin and thigh. In the dress rehearsal they STILL can't do the lift and one would have expected them to have a Plan B, but apparently not. This is going to end in tears. Probably Andrei's.

They're skating to Halo, and Sinitta is breathing deeply prior to commencing another spot of fabulously literal choreography. There's a peculiar bit where she ruffles his hair, and the frog lift doesn't go brilliantly but Andrei's manhood is intact. I am sure Susie is relieved. Scores - Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.0, Jason 2.5, Emma 3.0 and Robin 3.0 for a total of 15.0, which is respectable. Sinitta's kids are waving flags. Cute. Andrei assures us that all his "private bits" are OK. Sinitta takes a moment to thank her kids for the flags. Jayne and Chris are pleased that the lift went well, and admire her lines. Head Judge Robin says that Sinitta has great natural spatial awareness, though her skating is mediocre. Karen agrees that she has a lot of potential. Emma thought the dancing was timid and found herself watching gorgeous Andrei. Fair enough.


Next, charity campaigner Heather Mills and lovely Matt. Recently, she has jumped out of a plane, and tries on various prosthetic legs to suit skating. [I feel we were robbed of a shopping montage here. - Steve] Jayne and Chris have never seen an amputee skate before. With Heather in the middle, the trio move around the rink, and Jayne and Chris are very impressed with her. Matt talks about the challenge of finding ways to choreograph round the limitations with the prosthesis, and Chris concludes by extolling his admiration of Heather.

They are skating to Conga, but not the one that goes do-do-doooo, come on and do the conga, which is a great disappointment to me and distracts me the entire way through the routine. Heather's arms are fairly awful, but her skating seems to be fairly decent, and the lifts are a bit lumpy but safe. Gubba reminds us that Heather only has one leg. Scores - Karen 3.0, Nicky 4.0 (presumably for her bravery in getting ON ICE), Kason 2.5, Emma 3.0, Robin 3.0 for a total of 15.5. Heather says she can't complain about being lifted by Matt, and she claims she is skating for her charities and to inspire other amputees. Matt says Heather has turned her disability into an ability and is an inspiration, which is a cue for patronising applause. Chris says that Heather never says no. Fnar. Nicky says that at times he doesn't see any disability at all, which is a tremendously backhanded compliment. Jason says it is remarkable what she can do with the leg, but she needs to sort out her arms and transitions.

And that's it! Hayley and Dan are top, Emily and Fred are bottom. Time for the viewing public to have their say...after a quick recap - Danniella and her nice dancing; juddery Tana; showbiz Hayley; Sharron, who IS TALL; Emily being very young; Sinitta permitting Andrei to potentially father more children in the future; and Heather, who has one leg. What will happen? We'll find out later tonight!

The skate-off

Welcome back! Phil and Holly are still present and correct, fortunately. The lines are now closed, but while the votes are being counted, there's surely time for a quick recap? Why, yes, there is!

Danniella says going out first was good in a way because she didn't have anyone to follow; Tana assures us that she has fire; Hayley liked all the comments and says that she has always had a cheesy face "since I was, like, born", and Dan concurs, saying they used to call her cheesy Hayley; Pavel is riled up about Jason's mean comments, and Sharron says something about being a weeping willow; Emily has obviously been a bit weepy backstage and wants to do beetter in future (you'd hope, really); Sinitta and Andrei are thinking about how to bring the foxy Sinitta ON ICE; Matt says he, Jayne and Chris are trying to get Heather to skate, which is a weird comment. Hey ho.

Right, time for some xy contestants. Dr Hilary says he is going to write himself a sicknote to avoid skating. Oh, fuck, this series is going to be packed with medical puns, isn't it? Kieron wants to get it over with. Jeremy feels like a frightened horse on a frozen lake, and Phil looks forward to seeing that. Heh.

Holly asks Jason who surprised him tonight, and he says Danniella with her physicality and lines (fnar). Emma says that Hayley's technique and ability are exciting, and Danniella has a lot to give. Head Judge Robin says the first week is always tough, but collectively the girls have given the boys something to think about. Emma squeals about the boys, which obviously takes Holly and Robin by surprise.

Time for the results. Phil touches his ear, and in no particular order, the couples safe are - Tana and Stuart; Hayley and Daniel; Heather and Matt; Danniella and Matthew; and the other one definitely safe will, of course, be revealed after the break.

Right, enough prevaricating. The fifth couple safe - Emily and Fred. She screams and looks like she is going to faint. So Sharron and Pavel and Sinitta and Andrei are going to skate again, and I am pissed off already. Not because of the midtable celebs ending up in the skate-off, but because I am going to lose one of my favourite boys in the first week AGAIN.

Sharron and Pavel go first and though her arms are still quite branchlike and her dance moves are excruciating, her skating actually looks a bit more secure. Sinitta and Andrei utterly fuck up the frog lift, and they look absolutely gutted. Sinitta blubs, Andrei kisses her hair, and reveals that his trousers are sliced across the thigh. Sinitta's kids look sad. Little children shouldn't be put through this emotional wringer. Phil says at least Andrei won't be going home "Andrea", and Jayne expresses her deep sorrow. Everyone has basically accepted that these two will be out tonight, haven't they?

Time to get that confirmed, then. Karen says the tables have turned from her expectations, and saves Sharron. Nicky agrees. Jason says it is difficult but he has to judge on what he sees, so he saves Sharron too. Emma says Sinitta's performance was 100 per cent better and saves her. Head Judge Robin would have saved Sharron too, and she is the one to skate next week.

So Sinitta is out but more importantly ANDREI IS OUT IN THE FIRST WEEK AGAIN, THIS IS A FUCKING SWIZZ OF A SHOW AND I AM CROSS. Sinitta is tearful and heading towards incoherence as Phil and Holly send the pair out on their lap of honour.

Next week! Boys skate! And on Friday, Ben and Coleen being Ben and Coleen! Join us for that!

1 comment:

Muinimula said...

Andrei really hasn't done well, has he? Out in the first couple of weeks with Natalie Pinkham, Gemma Bissix and now Sinitta.

The opening with the circus was bonkers-amazing, and I liked how Phillip thanked "our circus" like they're going to return every week.