Sunday, 28 February 2010

Atack over the ice

No theme whatsoever week
Tx: 28th February 2010

Last week, there was ANARCHY on the ice, and Angela Rippon used to have a boyfriend with hair like Kieron's. Jason was rude to people. Nicky SPOKE THE TRUTH for once ON ICE. Sharron was utterly stitched up, and I lost my second beloved Eastern European boy skater. This week there is no theme at all, unless you count people falling over, or something. Ooh, some injury porn, as Kieron spurts blood from a split lip. It's Sunday night, and this is Dancing On Ice!

Here are Phil and Holly, who is in a beautiful low-cut satin gown with only half her breasts contained. And then here is Katherine sodding Jenkins and Andrew sodding Lloyd Webber, performing Love Never Dies from the new West End flop of the same title. Now, I saw the show on Thursday night, and won't give away any spoilers, but I don't think I'm giving anything away if I reveal that Sierra Boggess, who performed all her songs without consonants, which is some feat, is significantly better at singing than Katherine Jenkins. Oh, and here are Jayne and Chris skating round for a bit. And then there's a key change. And some of the pros skating round holding bed sheets. Wtf? It finishes, Lloyd Webber does that weird clunky handclapping he always does when he's feeling smug.

Jayne and Chris join Phil and Holly, and lie that they enjoyed skating to that caterwauling. The required element this week is an unassisted jump. This means NO ASSISTANCE and JUMPING. Seriously, that's what the exposition is. Nicky Slater-level comprehension here. Jayne hopes everyone will do well. Chris calls it a leap of faith, but I'm not sure he intends the pun, and says that everyone wants to be in the final.

So let's meet our Skating Stars - Mikey and Mel; Danniella and Matt; Kieron and Brianne; NotFamous Emily and Fred; Danny and Frankie; Hayley and Dan (who's looking increasingly gay); and Gary and Maria. And the Ice Panel - Karen (back on the end); Nicky (whose knowledge of ICE is second only to Pingu's apparently. HAHAHAHA!) [even more amazing - Nicky's hurt look when he genuinely thought Holly believed Pingu to be more knowledgeable than he is - Steve]; Jason; Emma; and HOORAY ROBIN IS BACK HOORAY! He does an adorable fake-out when Holly mentions that it was 30 years ago when he won his Olympic gold. Love him TOO much. He wants PROPER JUMPING. Fnar.

First up, Mikey and Mel. He says he is tired of basic competence and wants to be better. Chris and Jayne comment on his enthusiasm. I must comment on Mel wearing some kind of weird bra over her sweatshirt. Mikey is intending to pull his socks up and put his skates on, and Jayne says that the song they've given him is not a comedy one. Chris says that Mikey must be faster OVER THE ICE (not SLOW OVER THE ICE which is the worst thing anyone can ever be, obviously).

They're skating to Dancing In The Dark. And OK, these knee slides they've put in just look like he's fallen over. Oh, no, wait, he has in fact fallen over. He's clearly concentrating very hard and Mel seems to be leading a lot of the time. The jump passes without incident, if rather unsynchronised. They look really pissed off at the end. Scores - Karen 3.0, Nicky 2.5, Jason 2.5, Emma 3.0 and Robin 2.5 for a total of 13.5. Mel says that during the dress rehearsal Mikey took a nasty tumble and he is injured; Phil and Chris support this reading of events, but to his credit Mikey just says, "Meh, it is what it is." Robin says that in the afternoon's practice he thought Mikey had turned a corner, but there were lots of mistakes throughout and he needs to put that behind him. Jason says it looked like he was dancing in the dark with all the stumbles. What? Karen says that is not the Mikey she knows, and he will be back next week. Well, that's that sorted out then. Thanks, Karen!

After the break - more injury porn!

Danniella and Matt seem to be dressed as skating principal boys awol from a production of Aladdin. This week they are skating lots of little steps and it is testing Danniella's coke-addled memory. And also her right knee. She says that at the start of every session her knees give her gyp. Um, shouldn't she be warming up before she skates? Do some pilates, Westbrook. It's the way forward.

They're skating to kd lang's Rose Garden. As one might expect, there's more line-dancing-esque choreography packed in there; this is clearly Chris's latest penchant. Some of this looks really lame and messy, particularly the "saddle lift", though the one at the end where she's hooked round his neck is excellent. And oh my, they're miming guns. Scores - Karen 5.0, Nicky 4.5, Jason 3.5, Emma 4.5, Robin 4.5 for a total of 22.0. They are happy. Danniella says she ricked her hamstring on Friday night and at the age of 36 she is lucky to be out there at all. Chris and Jayne are significantly older than that and they can skate. And Frankie is 36 too. NO LAME EXCUSES, WESTBROOK. Jayne thanks her for her hard work. Unlike Sharron, who did not work and dared to cross the might of Torvill and Dean. Emma says it lacked sparkle, possibly because of the increased content. Karen thought it was special and precise. Jason makes some dancing criticisms and the audience boo like mentals.

Last week Kieron thinks his routine "went amazing". Jayne thinks he could be a contender. Brianne says he's got to do two half-axles in a row, which Kieron claims is a full axle. And then Kieron smashes his face up. They watch it on the CCTV and his face bounces off the ice. [Why doesn't the show have its own footage of this? Bunch of amateurs. - Steve] Brianne tells him he's going to have to go to A&E and get a stitch put in his lip. So he does. Then he decides he's not going to rehearse the jumps again until show day, which is clearly a shit plan, and sure enough, in dress rehearsal he forgets how fast he should be skating and falls over. Sigh.

They're dancing to Careless Whisper, and one of the strengths of this partnership is that they clearly get on so well. Kieron isn't smiling, but that might be because his mouth hurts. It's a beautiful routine and the jumps work well. Scores - Karen 4.0, Nicky 3.5, Jason 3.5, Emma 4.0, Robin 3.5 for a total of 18.5. Kieron says this week has been hell, and he ripped the scab off his lip because he is so vain. EW. Brianne says that she has admired his bravery this week. Ooh, hello, Jayne is all dressed up and looks beautiful. Nicky says something about inner steel and character and COVERING THE ICE. Emma enjoys watching Kieron's speed ON THE ICE. Robin also likes his speed, and was worried when he noticed Kieron's shaking. Then Phil mocks their fake tans.

Next, NotFamous Emily and Fred. She talks to the camera; Fred plasters on a grin and stares into space. Poor Fred. Chris and Jayne have put in a huge lift, which Emily does not believe is possible. Fred demonstrates with Karen. MOAR KAREN SKATING PLZ. Chris goes through a list of things that could go wrong with the lift, the little ray of sunshine that he is.

They're skating to Da Doo Ron Ron, and they have a really dinky routine, with some speedy footwork (also, Fred deserves a medal for pretending that he likes Emily). She even manages the lift at the end, letting go of Fred's shoulders, and though she looks like she's going to fall over and vomit when she's back on the ground, she still manages it. Kate Robbins bursts into tears, either through pride or terror. Scores - Karen 3.5, Nicky 4.0, Jason 3.0, Emma 4.0, Robin 4.0 for a total of 18.5, her highest so far. Fred claims that the wobble after the lift was his fault because he spun faster than they have done in rehearsal. Emily is all squealy and says she's really enjoying it now. Jayne says that her increased confidence is noticeable. Karen says that in that lift, you know you're in great hands with Fred, and then does a funny little reminiscent smile. Jason says he is annoyed because he doesn't see a performance from her. So why is he giving her 3.0 then? Kate Robbins is shaking her fist at the camera. Emma says she disagrees and Emily has improved. Jason interjects, "No." Oh, shut up. Wanker. [Emily was still at the bottom of the pack, but to pretend that her performance level hadn't improved from how she started out was beyond ludicrous. So Jason can have an extra helping of "shut up" from me too. - Steve]

After the break, we get to see some Mikey injury porn, showing us his fall pre-show, which is a hell of a crash, and just in case we missed it, we get to see it in slow motion. Mikey's off in physio, anyway. [This all felt far too gratuitous for my liking. Either show that during Mikey's section, or don't show it at all. - Steve]

Danny and Frankie get 17.0 every week and Jason tells him that his movements are unfinished while Nicky tells him to be faster OVER THE ICE. So Danny and Karen sit down and watch the old routines and rip them to bits, and then she makes him skate with big elastic bands joining his arms and blades. Seriously.

Oh dear me, they're skating to Yeah Yeah, which will bring back bad memories for anyone who ever watched The X Factor. I really don't think Danny is much of a dancer, he doesn't seem to be on the beat, whereas what Frankie's doing makes sense with the music. The skating is fine, and he lands the jumps, there's just no musicality. Scores - Karen 4.5, Nicky 4.5, Jason 4.0, Emma 4.5, Robin 4.5 for a total of 22.0, which is NOT 17.0! Danny chokes back tears, the wimp. Karen is pleased that all the detail is now in his performance. Nicky says that this afternoon he skated it faster, but the jump tonight was better.

Next up, Hayley has been struggling. O RLY? Let's see. Last week she stumbled because of the nerves and the pressure of being the best one. This week's routine needs speed over the ice, and she fears that it is too fast. Dan is getting pissed off with her.

They are skating to Don't Stop Believin'. Seriously, is this an X Factor 2009 tribute week? Oh, it's the hideous Glee version. The camera work here sucks; you can't see their big lift because they go for the long shot. It all looks very neat and tidy, anyway. Gubba lies that maybe Hayley and Dan will get married. [That was weird. - Steve] Scores - Karen 5.5, and everyone else 5.0 for a total of 25.5. Hayley says that she feels the pressure more every week and she feels it in her legs. Dan says he will do everything he can to make Hayley perform. Fnar. Robin says the skating now matches the performance, and calls her "young lady". Emma loved it and says they are lucky to have each other, and appreciates that they never forget about their audience.

Time to plug a competition, and then another break, after which Gary Lucy is to skate, as if anyone cares. Jayne and Chris pretend that Gary is amazing at skating, while admitting that he is shit at acting. They are doing a routine that is a tribute to the Winter Olympics, which looks both terrible and amazing. In dress rehearsal Gary claims fatigue and falls over. Fair enough.

Anyway, they are skating to The Race. How many sports can we spot in this routine? Skiing, speed skating (with some wobbly jumps there), figure skating, and...fuck knows what else. This is a stupid routine. Then we are reminded that Gary has a daughter. Scores - Karen 4.5, Nicky 4.5, the others 4.0 for a total of 21.0. Gary is exhausted; Maria nearly got smacked in the face on the way round. Chris says Gary had some good style moments and recovered well from a stumble. Nicky shouts at him for skating too fast, or something. Jason says it was not an easy routine. Robin agrees, and is gentlemanly about not mentioning how many years Maria has been skating for. LOVE him.

Right, that's it, and the lines are open! What will happen?

The skate-off

Earlier tonight, these couples danced ON ICE for our votes. Who's going this week? With all the injury porn to win our sympathy, I think we can guarantee that bottom-of-the-leaderboard Mikey will be safe. Anyway, let's see.

Mikey talks about his injury "getting into his head", and from the physio table he promises that if he's in the skate-off he'll damn well skate-off WITH A BANG. Danniella wants to impress Jason. Kieron and Brianne are adorably camp. Fred is proud of Emily, who has performed her best ever. Danny and Frankie are really happy. Dan and Hayley are happy with their scores, and intend to go onwards and upwards. Gary felt pretty urgent but clearly that did not come across.

Robin is pleased that everyone is willing to take the risks, but thinks tonight belonged to Danny. Jason says that Emily and Mikey disappointed. Emma thinks Danny and Kieron upped their games this week. Also, don't forget that Ben and Coleen are dreadful on Friday nights if you're really short of things to do.

Phil has the results in his ear, and the couples skating next week are - Danny and Frankie; Hayley and Dan; Gary and Maria; Kieron and Brianne; (pause for ads); Mikey and Mel (who promptly weeps).

Oh, guys, I think we know how this is going to go, yes? Danniella and Matt v NotFamous Emily and Fred. Danniella and Matt go first; afterwards she says she is too old to skate that routine twice in a night. Emily and Fred go second, and the spin is much more secure this time; afterwards she starts her goodbyes and is a bit weepy and dull. Anyway, time to get the decision confirmed - Karen is crying (hooray!) and saves Danniella; Nicky doesn't want anyone to go but saves Emily based on Danniella making four mistakes [oh, NICKY - Steve]; Jason saves Danniella; Emma says that Emily is a sweetheart but saves Danniella; and Robin says Danniella was technically more secure and saves her.

So while Emily gets herself together, time for a montage of her squealing and Fred pretending he doesn't want to slap her. Emily says afterwards that she has the best partner and a friend for life (presumably not the same person); Fred says she has a bright future ahead of her (without him). Time for a lap of honour as Kate Robbins cries in the audience. Next week - more skating! And Steve will tell you all about it!

1 comment:

Livilla said...

I don't even care, I love Princess Dean. He's just so special and I want to pat his head fondly.

And I was SO waiting for him to start watching Glee. I knew it was coming. Magical.