Monday, 1 February 2010

Finally facing her Waterloo

Seventies Week
Tx: 31st January 2010

Last week! All 12 celebrities and their partners took to the ice, ON ICE, and Nicky talked about buttocks and grenades, while Jason was a bitch and didn't want to hug Danny Young. This week, it's SEVENTIES WEEK, and this appears to be centring around hideous wigs. Chris enthuses about the decade, Jayne says she's too young to remember. Dr Hilary sings my theme song at karaoke! People fall over! This is DANCING ON ICE!

Titles and clapping!

And Phil ("fab") and Holly ("hip" - and whoa, her boobs look huge tonight, prompting a "space hoppers" joke from Phil). They introduce Jayne (looking lovely in a pink mini-dress) and Chris (looking vaguely ridiculous in a gold lame leopard print waistcoast...oh, no, hang on, it's tiger print, because they're skating to Tiger Feet, complete with cat-like miming). Also, there are pyrotechnics. Hooray!

This week's required element is a step sequence - the Ina Bauer, toe-steps, and a 360-degree turn. Jayne explains that you need flexibility, control and balance, but personally she thinks the turn is hardest. Chris claims to be unsure about the Seventies costumes, but he loves the era because that's when he and Jayne started skating together. There is a plethora of awwwing.

Right, the stars - Kieron and Brianne; Tana and Stuart; Danny and Frankie; Not-Famous Emily and Fred; Mikey and Mel; Heather and Lovely Matt; Dr Hilary and Alexandra; Danniella and Matthew; Sharron and Pavel; Gary and Maria; Hayley and Daniel. By the way, I've not commented on their costumes or make-up, but take it from me, the whole lot of them look ludicrous.

And the ice panel - Karen, whose hair looks like it's from Mallory Towers; Nicky; Jason, who is apparently wearing platforms and hot pants and does a regal wave at the cretinous audience booing; Emma; and Head Judge Robin Cousins, who beams. He would expect to see step combinations at weeks 6 and 7, and tonight he is hoping for energy in triplicate. Phil asks Nicky and Jason for "peace, man", and they both obediently gesticulate with two fingers towards him. Not like THAT. The peace sign. Obviously.

Can we have some skating now, please?

Last week, Nicky said Kieron had an arm like a wet fish, and he agreed with him, meaning he was shocked, amazed and overjoyed to get through. Then I quite want to punch him because he moans about being born in 1986 and "not knowing Seventies songs". Right, because being born in one year means you can't POSSIBLY ever listen to anything recorded before that. Kieron has no dance ability at all, and Brianne diplomatically calls him "a work in progress". So he's dragged off to a dance class, and he gets all cross when he thinks Brianne is laughing at him, which is fair enough.

They're skating to Play That Funky Music, and bless his little heart, he is clearly really enjoying the entire routine, until the final bit where Brianne's flung upside down and he slips in the hold and looks like he's about to cry. Too bad, it was fairly decent up till that, with a solo step sequence. Scores - 3.0s straight across the board for a 15.0. Kieron wails that the slip has never happened before, but he's clearly a bit chuffed with his dance. Jayne and Chris and Brianne are all very sanguine about the potentiality of head-ice collision. Robin says it's tough to skate with a partner with Brianne's presence because it looks like you're following her round the ice. Jason says he wants to give him a shake but is afraid he'll snap in half. Kieron gets snippy about not having muscles and Jason seems ready to continue a pointless circular debate for another few hours before Phil interrupts and throws to the break, after which we will see MOAR INJURY PORN.

Next to skate are Tana and Stuart. Chris complains that she forgot to take the emotion on to the ice last week because she was thinking too much. This week, she's skating to Waterloo, which is one of the best songs in the history of the world. Chris gives Tana a talking-to, telling her not to get tense during the performance. He suggests putting a wall between the audience and the rink, and she thinks this would be a good idea. Srsly, Dean, brilliant idea, you should do motivational speaking.

This is a nifty little routine, but Tana really has no clue. Her movements are tentative, she doesn't have rhythm, and she's looking pleadingly at Stuart the entire time. It looks even worse in slow motion with a Gubba soundtrack. Scores - 2.5s from everyone except Nicky, who gives 2.0, for a total of 12.0. Phil comments that Tana looked like she was enjoying herself, and she concurs, explaining that she had a wall around herself. Stuart says the rehearsal didn't go well, but the performance was good. Jayne thinks this was a breakthrough. Bloody hell, how bad must she have been in practice? Nicky is pleased that she is smiling ON ICE but her skating is too delicate, and she needs more speed and attack. Emma explains that they are expecting more each week, but Tana is doing well because she has never done anything like this before. Karen thought the element was cautious but she has worked hard.

Last week, Jason slagged off Danny's aggression, and Frankie thought it was too much criticism. In rehearsal this week Danny is apparently entirely unable to remember any routine whatsoever, with Frankie remarkably patient in the circumstances. They also invoke the term "kiss-and-cry". [Nicky talked about that the other week in reference to Coleen. I still have no idea what it means. - Steve] Anyway, that was a weird VT with no resolution. They're skating to When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman [it's hard. Fnar. - Steve], and their outfits don't match. Frankie looks like she's wandered in from a production of Peter Pan ON ICE. The step sequence is a little bit scratchy. Scores - 3.5s from everyone except Emma who gives 3.0, for a total of 17.0. Danny explains that he is happy because he remembered the steps, particularly after having a meltdown about it on Wednesday. Chris thanks Frankie for working so hard this week. Aw. Jason tells Frankie that the show is about DANCING ON ICE and so he will judge Danny's DANCING ON ICE, and then employs an ill-advised "bulldog with a bone" metaphor, adding "no offence, Frankie" to the end, and she genuinely looks like she wants to kill him. Karen tells Jason to shut the fuck up.

Not-famous Emily and Fred were pleased with last week's 13.5. Well, Emily was. Fred looks less pleased. OH I DIDN'T KNOW NOT-FAMOUS EMILY'S MUM IS KATE ROBBINS! [There's two ways to Urmston! - Steve] Now, she'd be FIERCE on Dancing On Ice. They discuss the choice of song - Yes Sir I Can Boogie - and then as if by magic there are Seventies dresses for them to try on and dance around the living room in.

Oh, gosh, Emily is really very poor across the rink. They both look lovely in their red sparkly outfits, which is something, but she looks like she's going to fall over all the time, and at one point she nearly amputates Fred's left leg, meaning they have to stop and miss out a whole chunk of the routine. Scores - Karen 2.5, Nicky 1.5, Jason 1.5, Emma 2.0 and Robin 3.0 (what?!) for a total of 10.5. Emily wails a bit about cocking up the routine, and Fred says she did well to recover from it. Robin fears he has got a bit carried away with the excitement of seeing Emily attack a routine, and that's why he's been so generous. Nicky thinks the end of the routine was in a lot of trouble, and Fred is helping her too much. Emma thought it was messy and unsteady - her face looks weird.

Next, Mikey and Mel. He reckons he is ready for a challenge, and is very VERY excited to be skating to Cecilia. Jayne and Chris once skated to it too (cue archive footage) and they're setting up an immense comedy routine. Except Mikey has been crashing to the floor a LOT this week and he has fucked up his back - cue footage of topless Irishman being massaged. Anyway, he seems to be in one piece, and he and Mel skate out with big grins to huge acclaim. They begin with a cute bit of head synchronicity, and then plunge headlong into the comedy business, both of them beaming the entire way round. Scores - Karen 4.0, Nicky 4.5, Jason 4.5, Emma 4.0 and Robin 3.5 for a total of 20.5. Mikey and Mel are very pleased with this, unsurprisingly. He thanks the judges for the highest score of the series so far. Jason enjoyed it because it was playful and "kinky" (?), but thinks Mikey should keep his arms in a bit. Mikey looks bemused. Robin explains it in normal people's terms. Karen is all proud and clucky.

Time for our weekly bout of patronising comments, as Heather and Lovely Matt take to the ice. They love the Seventies week, and are just basically dancing a lot rather than learning a routine. When they do learn it, her leg keeps falling off. The artificial one, not the other one. So she has to get a new one, and it's difficult for her to judge her balance on it. Then she says if they have to skate until midnight to get it right, they will, because they have to do whatever everybody else does. Um...what? They're skating to Best Of My Love, and Lovely Matt has some AWESOME disco faces. Heather's balance is screwed. She's fine when she's being lifted; it's just when she's ON ICE (which is, I've heard, the entire point of the show) that it looks dodgy. Matt strokes her hair. Scores - Karen 3.0, Nicky 2.5, Jason 2.0, Emma 2.5 and Robin 2.5 for a total of 12.5. Heather explains that she is glued in to her leg. Phil doesn't seem to have grasped the concept. Chris says Heather and Matt have been playing catch-up all week, but that was one of their best performances. Robin says it is great to watch Heather try, but the choreography highlights the problems she has. He urges people at home to vote for her so that she can try again next week. Emma doesn't think it was fluid enough. Karen agrees with them both, and then says, "You find it difficult to feel the toe on the left foot," to which Matt looks utterly bewildered and says, "Well, she can't feel it at all."

In the Seventies, Dr Hilary was just Hilary. But now he is Dr Hilary. Because he is a doctor. Who is not very good at skating. Chris and Dr Hilary reminisce about their youth. Dr Hilary's last performance was on stage at school in Henry IV Part I. Seriously, doesn't Dr Hilary's school sound FUN? Alexandra takes him to a karaoke night to sing Sweet Caroline, which is what they're skating to. He feels that this kind of crowd-pleasing is what they need on Sunday, except ON ICE. He does look a little bit faster, to be fair to him, and his Neil Diamond-style shirt suits him. His movements are stronger, and though he is still a bit shaky, that's not bad. Scores - Karen 2.5, Nicky 2.5, Jason 2.0, Emma 2.0, Robin 2.5 for a total of 11.5. There is booing. Dr Hilary doesn't think karaoke helped, but it was fun, and he's getting a bit better every week. Jayne thought he skated with more confidence and speed this week, and that was shown in the scores. Jason says that Dr Hilary shouldn't go to karaoke because that is a WASTE OF TIME, as it is neither dancing nor on ice, and then suggests some ideas about improving his arms, which is drowned out by audience booing. Nicky praises his increased speed over the ice, and wants him to improve his technique by relaxing, because there is some charisma coming out. Emma thought his posture was better, but otherwise feels that he's regressed.

Phil presents Jason with a space hopper, suggesting that he should travel home on it. "I'd quite enjoy that, actually," leers the Gardiner. [*headdesk* - Steve] ANYWAY. Back to the skating. Danniella nearly breaks Matthew's neck with their lift on the first day - "there's only so many times we can do it without my neck getting completely burned," he explains. Then they give it a go the day before the dress rehearsal, ending with Danniella screaming and then collapsing to the floor. She's OK, though. Melodrama. They're skating to Le Freak, and her dancing still looks good, her lifting looks fine, and there is no death, breakage or burning in the neck-ripper. Scores - 4.0s from everyone except Nicky, who gives 3.5, for a total of 19.5. Chris says that Danniella is a great competitor. Robin is pleased that they're working so well together, but doesn't think her skating has actually improved that much. Nicky wants the energy from the start of the programme across the entire routine.

Sharron and Pavel are peacing out backstage. Just as well, after the stress of multiple skate-offs. There is some plinky piano music, so we know this is going to be a sad, emotional sympathy-eliciting VT. And sure enough, she is weeping through exhaustion. Chris says Sharron can either cave in, or go out fighting. And to cheer Sharron up, Pav hauls Jessica Taylor in. Presumably we won't see her skating - don't think she'll want to risk any lifts in her condition. Though weirdly, we don't actually get to see her bump. Oh well.

Sharron and Pav are skating to You've Got A Friend. Her face is RICTUS. Her limbs do look a bit more graceful, I think. Pavel is beaming enough for both of them, but she looks so utterly miserable I want to cry just watching them. It looks like Pavel reminds her that she's supposed to be performing, and then she begins to look more comfortable. Scores - Karen 3.5, Nicky 3.5, Jason 2.0, Emma 3.0, Robin 3.0 for a total of 15.0. Sharron complains about popping her shoulder out last week; Pav complains about what a horrible week they've had. Jason notes her improved leg-lines, but thinks she performs on one level, likening her to fecal matter that won't flush. Stay classy, Gardiner. Karen says the elements were solid and the technique is starting to show. Nicky thinks she could extend more still, but that performance was a step up.

Last week, Robin warned Gary not to be so fucking tedious. This week, Chris wishes that Gary's personality would come out more on a Sunday night. Also, don't you think Gary's head is too big for his body? Then Gary's mates - a mob of funny-looking balding men - turn up at the rink to heckle. I would like to shout abuse at Gary Lucy. But not in a helpful way. Tonight, he and Maria are skating to Easy. Maria's dress is beautiful - black satin with silver sparkles. Apart from that, my botheredness about this routine is minimal - not because it's not good, because it is, but because he is so utterly punchable. Gubba says that Maria won last year. Really? I thought Lovely Matt and Suzanne were reigning champions. Scores - Karen 4.0, Nicky 3.5, Jason 4.0, Emma 3.5, Robin 4.0 for a total of 19.0. Gary pulls a "yes, I am awesome" face, and then points out that he stumbled, before thanking the judges and explaining that he is out of his comfort zone, with skating and dancing. [ON ICE. - Steve] Chris says that Gary looked far more comfortable tonight, and is one of the best skaters in the competition. Robin says that every so often there is a little moment where Gary's waiting for Maria to show him what to do next, and he needs to sort that out and enjoy it more. Emma feels he's constantly watching Maria and needs to make the performance about HIM. You what? This is a partnership competition, bint. Karen says this in a more polite way. Gary then adds, "I'm sure Maria will pull it out of me," leading to sniggers and whooping from the audience, before he clarifies, "THE CONFIDENCE."

Hayley was happy that Jason stuck up for her and Dan against Nicky in SLOW-OVER-THE-ICE-gate last week. There is more skating in Hayley's routine this week, and Dan mocks her for looking terrified. She doesn't like spinning round because it makes her feel sick. This may prove a problem. They are skating to No More Tears, which has been butchered to buggery in the edit suite, but this is a lovely routine with some skilful pick work, and obviously Hayley can dance so her lines look fine anyway. Gubba claims that they are sprinkled with stardust. Scores - 4.5s from everyone except Robin who gives 5.0 for a total of 23.0, taking Mikey's running record away from him. Hayley gabbles away, Dan joins in, but the general gist is that everybody is very happy. Chris enjoys her enthusiasm, and Jayne adds that Hayley works hard too. Hayley interjects that the choreography is the BEST EVAHZ. Jason says the weakest moment was the required element, but apart from that he loved it. Karen is proud clucky coach but points out that she could have had a 5.0 but for the fluff.

So that's it! The lines are open! Vote vote vote!

Results show

Earlier, these gazillion couples danced ON ICE for our votes, and now one will no longer be ON ICE after they get voted off Dancing ON ICE! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Holly is mean to Phil by calling him a decrepit old bastard, and then the lines close. While the votes are being closed, there's time for a recap. Kieron is disappointed, and says that if he stays in he'll work on whatever he's doing wrong. Tana loved every minute of her routine. Frankie doesn't think Jason is very constructive and suggests that he look in the mirror. Danny pulls an "Oooh, BURN!" face. Emily thinks she did well. Emily is mistaken. Mikey can't believe he's getting such wonderful comments, and then stares right down the camera to thank the judges. Heather says this has been the toughest week so she wants to get through to next week now. Dr Hilary hopes to have another go next week. Danniella and Matthew had a great time and enjoyed everything. (This lot are quite dull and predictable.) Sharron values what Karen says (=subtext: shut up, Jason). Maria says next week she will try to get the showman out of Gary, and Gary suspects Emma might regret unleashing his inner show-off. Hayley's legs turned to jelly; Dan is proud of her, and she kisses him thoroughly.

Robin thinks the technical standard was better last week, and everybody is going to have to start being better. Jason says Danniella, Hayley and Mikey were his favourites. And that is all the time we have to spend with the judges.

Trailer for the Friday schedule-filler...and then the results are in (Phil's ear). In no particular order, the couples skating next week - Sharron and Pav, who punches the air, because he is lovely; Danniella and Matthew; Mikey and Mel; Heather and Matt (who look stunned); Hayley and Daniel; Kieron and Brianne (and now Emily looks like she's going to weep); Dr Hilary and Alexandra; Emily and Fred (sigh) - and the ninth couple will of course be revealed after the break...

...and it's Gary and Maria. So Tana and Stuart and Danny and Frankie have to skate off. Chris thinks it's been a challenging week, and the ones who have coped best with it technically have gone through. Except for Emily. And Dr Hilary. And Heather.

Anyway, they skate. Danny stumbles after the routine as he approaches Phil's podium of kiss-and-cry. (Fnar.) Then the judges all save him at Tana's expense. She and Stuart collect their bouquets, and Phil claims that this is a surprise result. Tana says she will miss everybody, and Stuart loves Tana's family. But maybe not Tana. Time for a montage of Tana falling over a lot, and then we bid farewell to the rink for another week.


ht said...

Steve re. kiss and cry:

It's a term from professional skating. When athletes go over to the platform to hear their scores, they tend to kiss their coaches (/each other if it's couples or pairs) and then cry at the scores, whether they're good or awful!

However, I'm sure we can come up with some alternative reasons/ better names for it!

ros said...

Not only IS Emily Atack the daughter of the fab Kate Robbins, that makes her a second cousin of Paul McCartney. I want to know why we haven't had a catfight with her and Heather yet!!! This is ITV - I demand my lowest common denominator TV!