Sunday, 14 February 2010

Struck off

Valentine's Day show
Tx: 14th February 2010 (duh)

Last week! Some navigated their way on the road to success. On a JOURNEY? Some gripped the wheel. Others crashed (Hayley), and Jason was the chief examiner. This motoring metaphor is not going well, Phil. Anyway, Heather left. This week, it's all about luuurve, and this is likely to get very sickening very quickly. Who will be left on the shelf (apart from your trusty blogger)? It's Dancing on Ice's VALENTINE'S SPECIAL!


Cue for Love Is In The Air, some nauseating pink camera trickery, Holly in a floaty red frock, and Schofe in a tux. He presents her with a red rose. Everyone awws. For the first time - our skating stars, the pros, Jayne and Chris, marking the 26th anniversary of Bolero and the gold medal. Huey Lewis and the News prompt some nasty literal choreography for The Power Of Love, but it soon gets going, and maroon is a good colour on Jayne. The couples join them on the ice, with all the ladies pouting into the camera except for Hayley who continues with her ever-present stage-school beam. Fred is in skin-tight gold lame. Balloons fall on to the ice.That is all.

Holly congratulates Jayne and Chris on the 26th anniversary of winning gold. Balloons are audibly popping in the background. Jayne says they are marking the special date with all their friends at DoI. They then reveal that this week's required element is the shadow step sequence, which has caused some problems because some of the celebs have not skated by themselves in sequence yet. Yes, well, that would be a problem.

Time to meet the revamped Ice Panel - Slater, Bunton, Gardiner, MICHAEL BALL and Karen. Wait, Karen is head judge? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. [Amazing. I bet Nicky was not pleased. - Steve] Holly greets them. Mickey Ball loves the show and is honoured to be here, and promises to be looking for the connection between couples. Holly adds "ON ICE". Ball reveals that his ladyfriend is angry because he has sodded off to tart around on ITV1 tonight. Karen is beaming, probably because she is far away from Slater, and says she has Head Judge Robin on speed-dial just in case the panel get out of hand.

First to skate tonight, Danniella and Matt. Last week they were second on the leaderboard. This week they have a tricky lift that seems to be confusing the hell out of Danniella. Chris benignly admits that it is complicated. And that's about it. They're skating to You Got The Love. Danniella throws her hands up in the air at the appropriate place. This routine seems a bit weird - it's very floaty and lyrical and I just don't see the music as the power ballad they're billing it as. Anyway, whatever. Scores - 4.0s across the board for another 20.0. Danniella enthuses about loving being part of this series. Jayne is happy about all the work Danniella puts in, as is Karen. Michael says they look like a couple who are dancing together. Right. Because they are. ON ICE. Jason agrees, but wants to finetune them, giving them some technical points. Matthew nods, and Danniella says that all makes sense. Oh, well, that's a pleasant little start, rather than the pissyness of some people. Frankie.

Speaking of which, they're up next. She and Danny want to not get 17.0 this week. Jayne thinks it is important that they get a higher mark. Chris does not want any plateauing; he wants them to move forward. Danny is prepared to try new things to get better marks, fnar, and so they've got a routine packed full of mad difficult stuff.

They're skating to Higher and Higher, and Frankie appear to have a white exfoliating scrunchie attached to her neck. They start with some dance moves on the floor that Danny seems to be having trouble with. He can skate, certainly, but whenever he has to do anything that involves artistic movement, he looks odd. Scores - Nicky 3.0, Emma 3.5, Jason 3.5, Michael 3.5, Karen 3.5. So - they've got 17.0 again. Danny beams about enjoying the routine. Frankie has an incredible bitchface on, getting all arsey about not knowing what they have to do to get higher scores - "I thought it was a skating competition but apparently I'm wrong" - and even Phil steps in to tell her to shut up because she's not helping her cause. [Frankie's ongoing scoring mania is amusing me immensely this series. I expect her to be skating with throwing stars inside her boots next week to lob at the judges if they don't at least get 18.0. - Steve] Jayne tries to calm it down by saying that everyone is getting better and they're finding their level; Chris champions Danny's consistency. Jason says that Danny's movements are unfinished, sometimes with good lines and sometimes spasmodic. Nicky agrees - Danny does difficult elements, and then there's a gap before the next element, so the skating is not seamless. I hope the judges sit backstage before the show next week and confer on what scores they're going to award for a combined total of 17.0 again. Or 16.5, maybe, seeing as they're so fed up with 17.0s.

Emily and Fred are skating to Saving All My Love For You. She explains that it is a song about a woman wanting a man who's already taken, and is clearly hoping for some nudge-nudge, wink-wink banter with Fred. He on the other hand chooses to look mildly bored and quite uncomfortable, with a forced smile plastered across his pretty face. Fred really couldn't hate Emily more, could he? She wails about hurting her ribs, which is a problem for the lift they have in the routine, which involves a lot of "rib-holding". Emily's mum KATE ROBBINS is in the audience tonight. Emily and Fred begin the routine skating separately, which is brave. Her leg-lines look better, though the shadow steps are utterly out of sync. Cleverly, the camera goes for a long shot when Emily goes up for the lift, so we can't tell if she screeched with agony, but the landing is a mess. Kate Robbins is crying. Scores - 2.5s from everyone but Michael and Karen, who give 3.0s for 13.5. Emily is obviously disappointed, and does one of her now-customary tearful interviews with Schofe where she says very little. Chris tells Emily she looks lovely, but it was hard for her because they had to change the routine up until the last minute. Emma tells Emily to push it, push it real good. Karen is sure next week will be better. Michael congratulates Emily for digging deep and giving a performance, but wants her to be less passive in the partnership.

We're back after the break for a bit of spontaneous hilarity, when Phil realises from his vantage point of the floor he can see up Holly's skirt as she stands on the balcony. He eventually recovers himself to introduce Mikey and Mel, who had a bad week last week, but this week they are smiling much more. However, he is a bit sad because he misses his wife and kids, and as you can probably guess, that's a cue for a surprise visit from his very pretty wife, who arrives bearing Valentine's gifts for herself. Aw.

They are skating to Love On A Mountaintop, and are Fast Over The Ice. Mikey does appear to be leading, which is always nice to see, but his arms are a bit odd, particularly when they're doing their shadow sequence. Still, they're smiling, which always goes some way to convincing. Scores - Nicky 4.0, Emma 3.0, Jason 3.5, Michael 4.0, Karen 4.0 for a total of 18.5. Mikey says sometimes you have good weeks, sometimes you have bad weeks; Mel says last week was a breakdown and this week was a breakthrough. Then Mikey bellows words of love to his wife, who's in the audience. Chris tells him off for enjoying it too much in the middle and forgetting his steps. Nicky then starts shouting about covering a lot OF ICE, and Emma says she wants to see Mikey get his confidence back and look up and smile and be charming.

Phil tells us the audience have put their candlelight dinners on hold to come and see the skating, and one of those observing is Ronan Keating. Another is a BAWLING CHILD who grizzles the entire way through the interview. Take the CHILD OUT, you fucking mentalists. [The child was far more articulate than Ronan was anyway. - Steve] Ronan says he will never skate ON ICE. We'll see.

Sharron and Pavel do a little skit where she steals a lot of chocolate and he does not get to eat any. This week they are skating a faster routine, but parts of it are being hampered by her old swimming injury to her shoulder. She gets a bit hissy and sulky about it, but it's probably very frustrating for her. She does seem to be enjoying rehearsal much more, but then you would if you got to hold hands with Pavel all day.

They're skating to The Same Thing. And the grizzling child appears to be Sharron's. As an aside here, they have a bit of armography at the start too, and I love that Pav always seems to be having a whale of a time when he's dancing rather than skating. In a parallel universe that man is a dancer in Chicago. [You just want to see him in a tight mesh top. - Steve] Sharron looks a bit shaky, and there's real fear in her eyes at times, but they do at least manage the neck-ripper. Scores - Nicky 3.5, Emma 2.5, Jason 2.5, Michael 3.0, Karen 3.5 for a total of 15.0. Sharron says she has the knees of a ten-year-old but the body of a 47-year-old, that someone shouted at the start and it put her off, and she thanks Pav for coming to training all week despite being sick. Bless. Jayne praises Sharron's landings after lifts. Karen says it was a great routine, and that Sharron has accepted what Dancing On Ice is about. What might that be? [If only someone would tell us! - Steve] She then snarks that some of the scores are lower than they should have been. Michael tells Sharron she is "an incredible physical specimen", and gives her tips on improving her lines. Jason says Sharron is mechanical, devoid of emotion, and blah blah blah. Some might argue that Jason just does not like strong muscular women. He's heckled about him not being able to do the neck-ripper, and he bites back that he COULD do it if he wanted to. Everyone agrees that this would certainly be something to see.

We all remember what happened to Hayley and Dan last week, so let's not go over that too much. Chris says that they recovered fantastically, and Jayne points out that they got great scores anyway. On Monday, Hayley was still bruised and in shock, but it's tough luck, she has to rehearse anyway. By the way, Hayley and Dan sit with linked arms during their VTs. It is cute.

They are skating to Endless Love. It's gorgeous, and lyrical, and Hayley and Dan's obvious affection for each other helps with creating that chemistry. Gubba says, "If they're not lovers, they are the best of friends." Are they NOT lovers, Gubba? Why is that? Scores - Nicky 5.5 (at which Hayley goes mental, and does not calm down at all during any of this section), Emma 5.0, Jason 5.5, Michael 5.0 and Karen 5.0 for a total of 26.0. It's the highest score of the series so far, and Hayley is in bits. Dan says it is a really emotional number, and Chris is glad that everyone is sobbing. I say "everyone", it's mostly Karen. HOORAY! Then Holly asks Jason for his comments, and Michael starts talking. There is a bit of comedy bickering before Jason tells Hayley that she was sublime and he felt the love from both of them. Michael then gets his actual chance to talk and then adds "honour to be here" again at the end.

Dr Hilary talks about being stopped in the street by people wanting to talk about skating. Jayne mocks him a little bit for not being able to dance at all, even away from the ice. He is even bad at clapping. So, obviously, he goes to hip-hop class at Pineapple. Dr Hilary says he has not danced sober in years. Maybe he should skate drunk, then. [Carrie for Assistant Coach 2011! - Steve]

Dr Hilary and Alexandra are skating to Higher Love. And sure enough, his dancing is fuckawful and embarrassing to watch. Alexandra is smiling into his face in a "PLEASE GET THIS RIGHT" way. The clapping is dreadful. This, coming after Hayley and Dan, is a marked contrast. Gubba assures us that Dr Hilary is getting better. O RLY? Let's see what the scores say. Scores - Nicky 2.0, Emma 2.0, Jason 2.5, Michael 2.5, Karen 3.0 for a total of 12.0. They are pleased with that. SuperMalcolm (really?) shouts, "YOU DA MAN!" from the audience and Dr Hilary promises he will return for more classes. He sure needs them. Jayne pleads with him to maintain his progress. Emma adores Dr Hilary, who has achieved wonderful things, but the competition cannot really start while he is still there. [So apparently last year's competition did not start until the final, because we were waiting for Coleen to go home. Good to know these things in retrospect. - Steve] Everyone boos. Jason beams, and agrees with her. Nicky likens Dr Hilary to Todd Carty, and then talks about FLOW OVER THE ICE before asking him to skate as if he's playing squash or something. Karen looks fed up and basically tells him to be quiet.

Kieron and Brianne do a fake kiss behind a rose backstage. This week he has been a bit shaken up by the skate-off, and then does some weeping about it feeling like his last routine. Brianne is not having any of this negativity. Jayne does a little sad moue. Kieron says, "Brianne knows how to push me buttons. So to speak." HA. This week, he promises to be the BEST ONE - "Play the music. Let me skate on."

And they do, to Don't Know Much. And this is certainly looking good. Though Brianne's boobs are far too evident. Kieron's armlines are gorgeous, and he's looking strong in the lifts. This routine is full of content and he does it well. Scores - Nicky 4.5, Emma 3.5, Jason 3.5, Michael 4.0 and Karen 4.0 for a total of 19.5, his highest so far. Kieron is very happy, and he says that he thinks Brianne wishes she was partnered with someone like Gary or Danny. Oh BLESS. Chris says Kieron has a crisis of confidence at the end of the week. Michael says he hopes Kieron has avoided the skate-off this week, and gives him some advice about extending the neck and upper body line. Nicky starts talking about going OVER THE ICE. Seriously. This man is a parody of himself.

Last week, Gary and Maria did a really fun number, and they hope that came across. This week they're skating to My Cherie Amour, and working on the fact that his performances are always criticised for his acting and DULLNESS rather than his skating. It's a problem for someone who's supposed to be an actor. Gary tries to do self-deprecation about being a romantic lead, and fails. By the way, in the audience is HIS DAUGHTER, who WAS BORN. The camera work again is rubbish for the bits where it looks like it might be complicated. He's good at lifting, though, and Maria is gorgeous as always. They beam at each other a lot, which is nice. Scores - Nicky 5.0, Emma 4.0, Jason 3.0, Michael 4.5 and Karen 4.5 for a total of 21.0. Gary says he has so much love to give on Valentine's Day, and it was a beautiful song, then reminds us that he is not a trained dancer. Right. Jayne comments on the constant smiling. Nicky says he was impressed from the start with his leading and the seamless linking. Jason says that Gary has the emotional depth of tissue paper - "you have one smile on your face and that's it, all the way through" - and that Maria is wiping the rink with him. Gary says that Maria has been skating for 20 years, omitting to comment on the point that he is SUPPOSED TO BE AN ACTOR. Holly says she would like Gary to be her leading man; Jason says she should take him because nobody else would have him. Ouch.

Well, that's a cheery end to part one. What will happen in the results show?

Results show

Earlier, nine couples danced you-know-where for our votes. Now it's time for the SKATE-OFF!

Phil welcomes us back and tells us there has been a proposal in the studio during the break, and then informs us that if we want to see it, then we need to watch This Morning. I'm fairly sure none of us care that much. Anyway, the lines are now closed, and while the votes are counted, time for some backstage action.

Danniella and Matthew genuinely do have a lovely time on the ice, and are pleased their hard work is paying off; Frankie says that 17.0 is actually a great score, having realised that her pissyness does not serve her or Danny well; Fred thinks that he and Emily weren't as good as they were last week; Mikey is delighted with the comments and is glad he has got a decent score; Sharron enjoyed the routine, which Pav says is difficult, and then he promises that if they go through he will spin Jason round on his neck (YAY!); Hayley cannot believe her score, particularly the 5.5 from Jason; Dr Hilary knows he is a tailender but is privileged to be part of the competition; Kieron is over the moon to be "quite high up" on the leaderboard; Gary knows that Jason has his points of view, and all he can do is continue to improve and do the best he can.

Final word from the judges - Karen's mid-term report is that it is obvious who's top of the class, and some people need to do extra homework. Right, thanks for that. Emma is excited to see Hayley every week. Mickey Ball is acutely aware of everybody's braveness ON THE ICE and his hat is off to them.

Quick plug for the excruciating Dancing on Ice Friday. So far my highlight of that particular spin-off is Ben calling Nicky "strange" last week.

Time for some ear-touching, and the couples safe and skating next week are - Emily and Fred; Sharron and Pavel; Hayley and Dan; Mikey and Mel; Gary and Maria; Danniella and Matthew...pause for an ad break...and Kieron and Brianne. HOORAY!

So Danny and Frankie bitchface are skating off against Dr Hilary and Alexandra. Phil reminds us that they're being judged solely on the performances they're about to give. Well, yes, but I suspect we know what's going to happen. Chris wants them to go out there and SELL IT. First to SELL IT are Danny and Frankie. Danny is choosing to sing along, in an effort to distract from his inability to dance. Frankie says that's the best he could have done it; Danny admits that he should have voted for himself more backstage, and that "the doc is an amazing man". The doc skates next, and it's clunky as before. He knows his card is marked, enthusing about the high standard of the competition, and then does his thank-yous. Chris knows what's going to happen too, and says that was a great performance "to have", implying "as your final one".

Decision time. Nicky says it was much closer than he expected, but saves Danny. Emma says Dr Hilary should be proud of himself, and saves Danny. Jason says eating an apple a day has paid off, and saves Danny. Michael says Dr Hilary did the best he's ever done, and saves Danny. Karen says Dr Hilary has achieved a lot, and saves Danny.

Dr Hilary and Alexandra claim their flowers, and the montage VT runs, showing many crashes to the floor, slowness over the ice, a terrible spiral leg, and some charisma. Some platitudes, and Jayne adds that they will miss him on choreography days, and hopes he will continue to skate.

Next week! We have no idea what's going to happen because they didn't tell us! But Steve will fill you in then!

1 comment:

Livilla said...

Oh, Karen. I don't even care, my love for her knows no bounds.