THE FINAL. ON ICE.
Tx 28th March 2010
12 weeks ago (is that all?) our celebrities took to the ice, with just one goal - to revive their flagging showbiz careers. Oh - apparently not; they wanted to become SKATING SUPERSTARS. Sinitta donned the Mumba blades of near-castration and applied them to my poor Andrei; Hayley got straight 6.0s for her Bollywood-themed routine. "Who'd have thought - a boy from Essex that can't dance and can't skate" - AND CAN'T ACT, adds the audience silently - "is now in the final?" asks Gary Lucy rhetorically. I don't know, Gary Lucy, I don't understand it either. Kieron thinks it's amazing that they've done this (presumably "reached the final"); Hayley reckons it hasn't sunk in, like she hasn't been expecting it since week 1. Tonight - the skaters must fly. "I've just had a jacket potato with tuna and cheese," bewails Hayley as she sees the wires for the first time. "We'll be seeing that again," deadpans Dan. Seriously, is Hayley a bit daft, or is she Acting? There is no WAY the flying can have come as a surprise to her. Anyway, only two couples get to skate the Bolero, as always, and then one will WIN. Gary Lucy lies that he will give it his all; Hayley will take risks; Kieron is going to make "them", whoever "they" may be, eat their words.
And first, Jayne and Chris perform their latest version of Bolero, this time bastardised with silks and additional flying. And a band of musicians including a soprano sax. And an upper string section with horrible bridesmaid dresses in a variety of foul pastel shades. [I can't have been the only one who thought we saw far too many shots of the band and not enough shots of Jayne and Chris, can I? I mean, we can hear them, we don't really need to see them. - Steve] And some scary singing ladies. Everyone whoops at the end. Jayne and Chris have a little cuddle and look thoroughly knackered.
Time for Phil and Holly to make their entrance, welcome us and thank Jayne and Chris. There's then some very peculiar camera work as the focus is on Torvill and Dean standing on the edge of the rink waiting to be permitted onto the kiss-and-cry podium, and then scurry on. Chris exclusively reveals that the finalists are nervous. Holly explains that they may have to skate three routines tonight - a reprise of an old favourite, a flying routine and maybe the Bolero if they're lucky. Phil makes some flying puns. NB - this will not be the last time he does so this evening.
So let's welcome our skating stars - Kieron and Brianne, Hayley and Dan, and Gary and Maria. They won't skate yet, though, of course. Time for a break.
Back. And here are the Ice Panel. Nicky's dusted off the tux; Jason has an old diamante tie; Robin giggles at being called "a wise old bird" and then anticipates Holly's first question with a swift "yes IT'S EXCITING". He recommends that the finalists "enjoy it" and "supersize it". It is, obviously, nothing to do with him because judges' votes don't count in the final; it is all up to the Great British Public.
Time for some skating? Why, yes please! Kieron has always felt that every week would be his last, and thanks everybody. He skates into the studio to see Chris on wires and demands: "But why are you up there?" Kieron thinks flying is "a million times harder than trying to skate", and then they try to play the ChrisPIESandFrankie card by complaining that Brianne is too little to move Kieron on his wires. Srsly, Brianne, get to the gym; Kieron must weigh about seven stone sopping wet. [Now there's an idea for next year's Hollyoaks Hunks calendar. - Steve] At least Frankie was literally less than half Chris's size.
They skate and fly to One Day Like This, and sure enough Brianne does appear to be struggling to move him. He looks deft and graceful in the air, with some nice armlines and it's hard to judge content in routines like these, but it seems decent. He smacks back on to the rink, though. Scores - Karen 5.0, Nicky 4.5, Jason 4.5, Emma 5.0 and Robin 5.0 for a total of 24.0. Kieron reminds us again that flying is harder than skating and that he has been taking all the judges' comments on board. Crawler. Brianne confesses to nerves. Chris thinks it was Kieron's best performance. Jayne has changed into an outfit that makes her look like a sequinned Margaret Thatcher. Robin was worried by Kieron's ungainly rehearsal, but thinks tonight's performance was much better. Emma grabs the Alesha Dixon ball of appalling grammar to tell Kieron, "You was graceful," while your recapping team cringe [I bet no one complains to ITV about that, though. I'm sure it's fine when a white woman does it. *gets off soapbox* - Steve]. Meanwhile, Bunto has gold mascara on and it makes her look like she's got conjunctivitis. Jason says he expected to hate it but didn't, but points out that his transitions from air to ice were horrid.
Hayley and Dan were happy to get a 6.0 from Robin last week because he is the only judge worth listening to. Re: flying, Hayley is worried about being so high, and Dan mocks her. They try to develop their own move, and settle on one where Dan lies on top of her (stop it) and she has to bear his entire bodyweight as they fly.
They're skating and flying to Songbird. Hayley's harness makes her look like a box. For much of this routine she is flapping her arms. Like a songbird. Do you see? Their new move looks a total bloody mess. Gubba reckons the routine was "flawless" and starts talking about Thunderbirds. Scores - Karen 6.0, Nicky 5.5, Jason 5.5, Emma 6.0 and Robin 6.0 for a total of 29.0. Hayley feigns surprise and likens herself to a fairy on top of a Christmas tree. Because they fly? Jayne is proud; Emma is crying. The look on Karen's face when Holly asks Nicky for his comments is EPIC.
Now, Gary and Maria. He says Sunday was like a rollercoaster with nice comments (and some true ones from Jason) and having to skate off. In rehearsal he keeps on and on about being Superman and flails about the place. "I'm so scared!" says Maria. Gary replies, surprised, "What are you scared of?" Classic eyeroll from Maria as she answers, "YOU." Gary wants to prove to everyone "that we can do it." Leave Maria out of this, we know SHE can. It's just you who's tedious and shit.
They skate and fly to Star Man, though they might as well have picked Theme From Superman. All he does throughout the routine is put one fist in front of him. Booooooooooo. Oh, and look, there's his daughter, LIKE WE CARE. Scores - 5.0s from everyone except Jason who gives 4.5. Gary then drivels some more about it being every boy's dream to impersonate Superman really shitly and Chris saying he is the Best Evah. Jayne tactfully refers to "random moments". Karen says it came together. Jason says there were things wrong with it but he was better than he expected.
And the lines are open! Quick, everyone, give ITV your money!
OH MY GOD THERE IS RAY QUINN IN THE AUDIENCE. Fortunately Phil opts not to talk to him and introduces a montage of Kieron's JOURNEY. Kieron now loves lifting Brianne, and liked jumping even though he broke his face. The most important thing is his now-lifelong friendship with Brianne, which is sweet. They're choosing to reprise Ever Fallen In Love. Brianne still looks like she's a refugee from an amdram production of The Rocky Horror Show. Gubba then says "Johnny Rotten and arm candy with attitude", which riles me so much I don't listen to anything else until he mentions "auditioning in the summer". They AUDITION for this?! [Yep - one of the few useful things I learnt from Dancing On Ice Friday was that Sinitta auditioned four times before she actually got on the show. - Steve] Scores - 5.0s from everyone except Robin, who gives 4.5, for a total of 24.5. Kieron announces that he is bleeding in his mouth again because he got too excited and bit his tongue. [Bless his little cotton socks. - Steve] Nicky loves Kieron's attack and commitment, and then says something about "a raggedy show". Emma can't fault him on performance.
Hayley's JOURNEY VT talks about her friendship with Dan and not wanting to let him down, and realising that she was good after the first show. She is proud of them for giving the audience what they wanted, ie the headbanger, and feels that she is now living the dream. They're re-performing Jai Ho, obviously, and though it doesn't have the shock-surprise-wow factor as it did initially, Hayley's skating really has improved in the past few weeks. Didn't think much of that spin, mind. And her arm muscles are looking fine. Gubba reckons the routine got six 6.0s first time round. It gets five this time though. There is much celebrating. Hayley does a bit of humility. Chris's suit is lovely. Robin thinks it was even better than a few weeks ago. Karen is crying and everyone laughs at her.
Next is Gary, and of course he has a million memorable routines to choose from. Or not. He says he connected with What About Now, which I don't remember at all. [I had exactly the same problem. I could recognise Kieron's and Hayley's routines from the music, but when this track kicked in I didn't have a clue. Then again, what has Gary done that was memorable, apart from perhaps Pulp Fiction? And even then all I remember is the song. WORST FINALIST EVER. And that includes MacIntyre. And Langford. - Steve] Then he wails about not being able to dance and then invokes HIS DAUGHTER WHO WANTS HIM TO WIN. They skate. I really don't care; I loathe him too much at this point. Gubba then makes a really inappropriate comment about Gary losing his job at The Bill, at which I laughed. Scores - Karen 5.0, Nicky 5.5, Jason 4.5, Emma 5.0 and Robin 5.0 for a total of 25.0. Gary says it is a beautiful song to skate to, and then anticipates Jason's criticisms and looks like a child throwing his toys out of the pram. Jason comments on the lack of emotion in Gary's performance and then says the following, which is possibly the best comment by any judge on any reality TV show EVER -
"Talk about milking the cute kid card."
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Jason ftw! Gary is stony-faced. Holly tells him off, and says that Robin disagrees. But then Robin actually agrees with Jason's comments, saying his skating is good but he'll never be as good at performing as Hayley. And then Robin makes a stab at total ftw-ness with a subtle burn on Nicky - "three of us gave you what you deserved." HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Time for a quiz. Where are Jayne and Chris from? Glasgow, Cardiff or Nottingham? A clue - they're not Scottish or Welsh.
Jayne and Chris are proud of the finalists. Phil says it is his least favourite bit of the whole series, seeing someone ready to skate the Bolero and not being able to. Then time for another montage - Danny scraping his blades around, Heather and her leg, Dr Hilary being a doctor, Sinitta falling flat on her face, mad pro routine with clowns, Sinitta slicing up my poor Andrei again, Sharron being possessed by a tree, Jeremy putting a grenade up his arse, Dr Hilary singing doctorly karaoke, Gary's mates mocking him, Gary's DAUGHTER, Michael Ball being fabulous, Angela Rippon being journalistic and fabulous, and then the stars being culled one by one.
And it's time for the first set of results - who will skate Bolero? First through - Hayley and Dan! And the second - bloody Gary and Maria. SERIOUSLY? Kieron and Brianne are dignified in defeat. Of course he gets another montage, and they giggle at the clips of him falling over. Brianne snuggles in closer to him, too upset to watch, and they are very cute. It ends with him saying, "I LOVE Dancing On Ice, me," and...oh, poor Kieron. He thanks everyone and hopes he has done everyone proud. Jayne confirms they are all indeed proud. [And cut to Gary not clapping again. Twat. - Steve]
So Hayley and Dan skate against Gary and Maria, and once more the voting slate is wiped clean. They like to extract as much cash as possible from the viewers, don't they? Phil makes a gag about reciting the phone-vote terms and conditions in his sleep. Chortle. [And yet still they never explain exactly how the results are calculate, even though they do it on Strictly every week. - Steve]
And more chortling as the eliminated skaters return to the ice - Sinitta and my Andrei (should she be skating? She nearly falls over three times in about 12 seconds anyway, and then Andrei pats her); Bobby (who is dreadful) and Molly (who is so beautiful, and winks cutely at the camera); Jeremy and Susie, who are having an inordinate amount of fun - if they'd had that dynamic in the competition they might not have gone so early; Tana and Stuart, who I'd forgotten about due to her being a) not famous and b) a bit shit; Heather and Lovely Matt, who don't do a headbanger as they've been threatening to do; Dr Hilary, who is a doctor, and Alexandra, who look pretty good, actually; Sharron and Pav; Emily in Alexandra THE BEAST BURKE mode and Lovely Fred; Mikey and Mel and that peculiar Minnie Mouse hairdo; Danny and no shirt and Frankie; and Danniella and Matthew. Hooray for them all! [God, it was a rum lot this year, wasn't it? You could tell how shit most of the returning skaters were when I was actually glad to see Emily. I did love seeing Danniella glomp her way through an entire routine again though. - Steve]
Time for the annual bout of Bolero reminiscing. Hayley and Dan watch old footage on a big screen and hope to give the audience goosebumps. Chris suggests putting their experience into their routine. There's a good idea! Thanks, Chris! Dan insists on putting in the scissor lift which they fell on earlier in the series, deeming it "unfinished business".
So they skate in their very paso doble purple outfits. One thing I particularly notice here is Hayley's lovely hand shaping, and the drama they imbue into their moves; they have a strong connection and even when they're not looking at each other, it's palpable. I know they've been friends for a gazillion years and so it's not based on the past few months, but it's still nice to watch. Hayley is tearful and cannot talk; Dan looks like he's close to sobbing too. Robin and Emma are still applauding a good 40 seconds into the ovation. It always seems a bit weird, like something's gone wrong, when the judges don't give their scores after a routine. Phil asks some stupid questions; Hayley and Dan fail to answer them. Chris says that being in your own world, as Hayley and Dan were, is just how he and Jayne were at the Olympics. Robin says that Hayley and Dan are always in the zone but they never forget to give a performance for the audience.
Gary and Maria's turn. He says he's been watching the Bolero "several times" and sure enough, he and Maria watch on a big screen as he patronises the best ice skating couple of all time with comments like "Oh, that's lovely" and then promises us "TV gold" with his routine. Twat. Maria shouts at him a lot during rehearsal. Good for her. Oh, and then they skate the routine and I totally forget to watch. Twice. Don't worry, though, India, who is GARY'S DAUGHTER, has watched it enough for both of us. Gary smugs over to the kiss-and-cry podium. Robin says that Gary has room for improvement but has got better in the past few weeks. Heh. Backhanded compliments abound. I heart Robin.
Time for another break. There are lots of musicals being advertised on the telly lately.
And finally, the phone lines are closed. Holly claims that the Bolero is "an iconic song". Jayne and Chris exclusively reveal that the final two couples are now nervous. Phil talks to Hayley, and she confirms this. Montage of their best bits - meeting up at the rink; falling over; beating each other up a bit; gaying it up to Enough Is Enough; headbanging, etc etc. Gary never thought he'd reach the final because he can't dance (or act or perform), and Maria lies that he is hardworking as he kisses her forehead in a really fake way for the third time this evening. They have a montage VT too but nothing really happens in it apart from his daughter being there. Seriously. I know we mock a lot, but he has invoked her an embarrassingly unironically huge amount. That alone is a reason for him to not win by default.
And hooray, Hayley and Dan win, as we probably all expected from the beginning, and they were certainly the best couple. I've seen a few moans about Hayley not skating that much but she skates a hell of a lot more than Bonnie bloody Langford ever did. Gary pretends he is pleased for Hayley and then talks about his daughter (honestly, he does). Hayley and Dan receive their trophy from Jayne and Chris, and Phil and Holly bid us farewell. Actually, to give Gary credit, as the camera pulls away, he's giving his flowers to Jayne, which is quite sweet. But we still don't like him.
Well, that's it for another series. Don't forget that we're also blogging Over The Rainbitch - and we'll be back in the summer for the autumn reality TV monoliths...and then we'll see you back here next year! Bye!