Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Denise Denise

Tx Sunday 6th March 2011

Previously on Dancing on Ice! Denise was messy, Johnson wasn't passionate, they were the bottom two and neither skated off. Remember this, it'll be important later. Vanilla ICE ON ICE skated off against Laura and had no chance at all. This week it's the Team Challenge, multiplying the pressure. Chloe is concerned about being in the skate-off with Sam; Johnson says he is coming for "you"; Laura is going to get her butt kicked up and down the ice; Isabelle gets squashed by Jeff. [And in award-worthy work by the editors, the clip of Jeff saying he feels he's got a shot at winning the whole thing is immediately followed by Denise yawning conspicuously. I loled. - Steve]

Yes, bitches, this is DANCING ON ICE!

Good evening to Phil and Holly, beautifully resplendent and fully restored to health. She scolds him for losing Vanilla ICE from the ICE last week; he explains about the Team Challenge, and throws to a VT where Jayne and Chris break the news to the six remaining couples. Jayne cannot stop beaming the entire way through it. The boys giggle; the girls look vaguely appalled. Ludicrously, the three couples in the winning team get their scores doubled. Sam and Laura are the team captains, as if this is some kind of primary-school event. Jayne brooks none of Laura's "oh noooooooooooo" wailing and makes them pick. Laura picks Jeff; Sam picks Chloe; Laura picks Denise; Sam picks Johnson. I think we all could have guessed that without watching, couldn't we?

Phil promises us some Scherzinger later, which I assume imbues Steve with much glee. [Darn tootin'. - Steve]

Time for the couples: Denise and Lovely Matt; Johnson and Jodeyne (nb, just want it to be noted that Sean Rice ON ICE told me that I rock. Via Twitter, admittedly, but STILL); Laura and Colin; Sam and Brianne; Chloe and Michael; and Jeff and Isabelle. Then Jayne and Chris skate on, but in their normal clothes, which looks a bit weird.

So, now we've met our skating stars, it's time for a break, but not before Jeff tells us he is the underdog and Sam admits he wants a 10. Somewhere, Matt Baker is cheering.

This week in the ads, that smiling bint is having her affections bought by her suitors. Just so you know.

Phil and Holly remind us again about the Team Challenge. Chris does an evil laugh. Jayne is too dignified to do this. Chris is excited that Laura has t-shirts for her team, and Sam has banners. What the actual fuck? Do some bloody skating.

Denise and Matt go first this week. This graveyard scheduling will also prove pertinent later. Denise talks about the public voting her in, and "when the public want me to go, that's when I'll go." Fate, fate, you're being tempted, right here right now. This week she and Matt are skating to 'Alone' by Heart, and she is worried about the transitions. Ie, the skating in general. Also, in case you didn't know, Denise is 52 and feeling her age what with the two routines to learn.

Anyway, it's a bit slow and clunky, and although Denise seems to be going for an expression of serenity, it just looks smug. She ballses up one of the lifts, and Lovely Matt has to hoick her into the air in the roll-up at the start of the chorus. Poor Lovely Matt. "She knows she's not the best, but she's never been in a skate-off!" trills Gubba. Scores - straight 5.0s for a total of 15.0. Denise complains about the pressure, but reiterates that it is fun. Lovely Matt says that Denise has coped well and has had a tummy bug this week. "I like the fast ones, it's just them that don't!" says Denise as Jayne tries to emphasise her strengths and weaknesses. Robin says this is her comfort zone, as it allows her time to think. He says that "people" always say it is easy for celebrity females; no, JASON does, and HEAD JUDGE LEN GOODMAN. [And a decent percentage of the Digital Spy forums. - Steve] Bunton does not even want to talk about the transitions. Jason says it was an improvement on last week's "abysmal" effort, but it looked like two people playing Twister. At this point, Tim Healy storms on to the stage and shouts at Jason, who (very maturely) responds, "Ew, your breath! It smells!" Denise tries to laugh it off, but this is an embarrassment to all concerned, surely? [Tim Healy is currently playing a comedy cross-dresser in Benidorm. To be honest, this incident was probably a step upwards, career-wise. - Steve]


Jeff and Isabelle next. The camera zips away from Jeff and focuses only on Isabelle. HA. Last week he got good marks and he is now starting to believe he can make the final. Hence, time for a Rocky-esque montage. Chris thinks Jeff's confidence has been boosted since last week. Jeff claims that everybody now expects big lifts from him. Really, Jeff? I expect nothing from you apart from vaguely offensive homophobic comments. In dress rehearsal, he dropped Isabelle, who hit her head and arm due to his uselessness. The violins of DOOM strike up as we see her lying on the ice looking pissed off. Everybody is nervous about tonight.

Ooh, they're skating to Hit The Road Jack. Let's see the best-ever reality TV performance to that routine, shall we?

Does Jeff Brazier have a glittery door? NO. No, he does NOT. And he screws up a couple of the lifts. He looks annoyed with himself, Isabelle looks relieved to be alive. Scores - Jason 7.0, Robin 7.5, and Emma 8.0 for a total of 22.5. Jeff says the routine is so tough there is no one thing to worry about, but he enjoyed the characterisation as devised by Kevin Adams. Isabelle lies that she trusts Jeff. Chris thinks Jeff could be in the final three as his presentation improves. Bunton, of course, loved it. Stupid cow. Jason whines. Robin disagrees, and feels that he saw an all-around performance. Karen thinks all Jeff's weeks came together. For some reason, Holly feels the need to agree.


Oh, you know what? There's a Team Challenge tonight. And pictures of sharks being projected onto the rink for some reason. Sam and Brianne next! Last week they Riverdanced, really lamely, but Robin liked it. Now they are questing for a 10. Sam says he does not want to let his team down but he also has a lot to work on in his individual routine - namely, five lifts. So he has to have stamina training from a personal trainer. Brianne sits on a bench and shouts at him. The end.

This is an odd routine. Sam doesn't look that stable in some of the lifts, and Brianne makes some really ugly lines - probably the two are related. They're fine in the rest of it, although we get one unflattering up-skirt shot of Brianne. Then I am overwhelmed by the horrible news that Sam is up for a part in a major new musical. What can it be? I can only think it'd be Rock of Ages. Ew. Scores - straight 8.5s, and Sam is happy with that because it was the worst run-through they've ever done. Jayne comments on a couple of the lifts being removed from the original choreography. Jason LEAPS on this, and then he and Karen bicker about health and safety and removing lifts from routines and that Sam ought to do his best at all times, eventually shutting up and claiming they agree with each other, and Sam keeps trying to interject but everyone ignores him. Jason concludes that it is good to see a man do skating in a masculine way. HEAD JUDGE LEN GOODMAN is proud. Sam explains that it is dangerous to do lifts if you're not sure about them, and Jason puts on a supercilious expression to conclude: "I have spoken." Nob. In between all this, Robin says nice things, Bunton comments on the lack of sparkle.

Onwards! Chloe and Michael. They're skating to Empire State of Mind. Let's remind ourselves of the legendary group Dorothy performance.

Meanwhile, Chloe and Michael have gone off to ballet school amidst a load of very, very thin people. Michael is LOVING the dancing, mark you. And that is it. [It's typical of this show's boring po-facedness that not one person thinks to crack a Black Swan joke. - Steve] Michael winks at the camera before they take to the rink. It is a quite graceful routine, and Chloe does have a point, her arms do look quite ugly and solid at times. Still, her skating is good. Gubba says that one of the moves is called the "Staten Island Ferry Lift". Scores - Jason 8.5, 9.0s from the others - highest of the night so far. I almost like Chloe for a minute, then she says she had a panic attack in dress rehearsal, and we've covered how ANNOYING it is when people claim to have had panic attacks when they are just NERVOUS, so we'll move on. Robin says that she amazes him every week, and that was one of the most difficult routines any female celebrity has had in six years of the show. Karen nods smugly. Robin then applies a subtle burn by reminding Chloe of how unfamous she is - "you're not an actress, you're not a dancer, you're not a singer." Jason thinks the ballet classes have paid off. Bunton says Chloe brings something very special to her performance.


Time for Johnson and Jodeyne. Last week, Johnson threw a strop when he went through, and it transpires that he was angry with the judges, and angry that his best chum Vanilla ICE went out. Jayne says that Johnson must show that he has made an improvement this week, and he is doing this through the medium of lifting Jodeyne above his head. He gets tired and grumpy, so they invite Vanilla ICE back to help him practise. Vanilla ICE reminds us (informs us?) that doing the big lifts was his speciality. And now, of course, Johnson is very confident that all will go well with his lift. Hooray!

They're skating to 'You Are So Beautiful', and they have a little hug before skating to opposite ends of the rink. Bless. The lift goes relatively well, which they don't seem to have expected judging by the grins on their faces. It's a cute routine. Scores - Jason 5.5, and 6.0s from the others, for a total of 17.5. Phil patronises Johnson a bit, and then reminds us about the sodding Team Challenge. Johnson utterly ignores the talking about skating, and informs us that he can now feel his left leg for the first time in seven years. Jodeyne has a little weep and says that she would never have thought he'd be able to lift her above his head. Robin says it is lovely to see Johnson look so happy and relaxed, and was impressed to see him manage an overhead lift. Bunton felt a lovely connection between the pair. Jason patronises him a bit, and then calls Jodeyne a "dead weight" by accident. Hugs all round!


Laura and Colin to wrap up the show, then. This week they're skating to I'm So Excited, incorporating a helicopter lift, which makes her vomit in rehearsal. As she announces this, Colin happily asks, "Ooh, for real?" Also, there is a Team Challenge this week. Just in case you'd overlooked that. Lovely, quick routine, although Laura does look a bit awkward in some of the overhead lifts, and well-rewarded with straight 9.5s. Colin reveals that he'd never done the helicopter lift before either. Ha! Chris fawns over them - "we challenge them every week, they deliver every week." Jason says they are unbelievable to watch, but they never compromise their performance or their technique, and then urges people to vote for them. Because that's the way this show works, Gardiner. Shut up. Robin once again reveals that he's part-voting on how they perform on the night compared to the dress rehearsal. Bunton says the competition needs them. Karen tells us there is a Team Challenge this week but Laura's performance was great.

Time for the leaderboard - Laura and Colin top, Denise and Matt at the bottom, with Johnson and Jodeyne just above them. Now, however, it is time for the Team Challenge. Jason wants to see the skaters work as a troupe; this is something Bunton does know about, and she basically descends into reminiscing about the olden days when Geri was a bitch and everyone argued.

Team Sam are skating first. He says that he got exactly the people he wanted on his team (Chloe and Johnson, in case you'd forgotten that). Jayne says there has never been a Team Challenge before, because the 2009 Christmas Special doesn't count. Chloe wants Sam to crack the whip so they can kick Laura's butt "up and down the ice". Johnson struggles with the step sequence and admits that he is the weak link in the chain, then he wishes Laura good luck for she will need it.

The team skate on, and Chloe and Michael are whirling round imaginary lassoes, but nobody else is. Miseries. They're dancing to I Don't Feel Like Dancing, with odd dancing-people images being projected onto the rink again. Seriously, this should really be Reality Show Rehash Week Featuring Stuff That's Been Done More Entertainingly Elsewhere -

Johnson does not look happy with the step sequences, particularly when they put him front and centre. Also, everybody is in orange, and it clashes with their spray tans. Sam lies that as long as you enjoy it, you are a winner. Johnson egregiously says that he knows great leaders, and Sam is a great leader. Chloe and Michael are totally hyped up like Haribo-fuelled toddlers. Jodeyne talks about "all doing it together". Snigger.


MOAR TEAM CHALLENGE! Team Laura are shouting about ROCKing. VT Laura wails about how difficult it is to pick teams. Also, is she wearing a Saved By The Bell sweatshirt? If so, WANT. [It certainly looked like it. I want one too. - Steve] Jeff says Team Laura have gelled in a way that the "superstars" on Team Sam will not. Denise says that lunges are the worst thing in the world. Everybody shouts, "Cross your legs, Laura!" Snigger again.

They skate on to the ice doing the stamp-stamp-clap that precedes 'We Will Rock You', but in fact they're skating to 'Rockin' All Over The World' and this is LOLARIOUS. Lovely Matt's air guitar face is one of my favourite things I have ever seen, followed closely by the face he pulls when using Denise as a guitar. Hmm, where could he have got inspiration for that move from? Seeing as it's Reality TV Rip-Off Week -

Back on the ice, am LOVING the electric pulse move they do along the line at the end. Incidentally, Karen is giving them a standing ovation and her skirt looks weird - positively rhomboid. Laura too waffles on about fun, and Denise joins in. Jeff thanks the crowd for joining in and assisting in the veritable Rocking Out we have just witnessed. Jayne says she would hate to have to judge it.

Pfft. Over to the actual judges. Jason didn't feel Team Sam's energy sustained the whole way through, so votes for Team Laura; Robin lists a load of qualities and presumably indicates who owns them through gesture, because he certainly doesn't specify through his words, but eventually opts for Team Sam; the stupid crowd get over-excited at this point and have to be shushed; and Bunton gets to choose Team Laura, meaning they win by two votes to one and have all their points doubled. The drama!

So Laura and Colin stay top, Jeff and Isabelle are second, Denise and Matt are third, Chloe and Michael are fourth, Sam and Brianne are fifth, and Johnson and Jodeyne move to the bottom. Chris reminds us that it is the voters who will make the difference. (Or not, if you're a cynic and have watched ahead, like me.)

Lines are open! What will happen? Another shock? Or something entirely predictable?

The skate-off

Tonight! Six couples skated ON ICE for our votes! The lines have closed! It's time for the SKATE-OFF! ON ICE!

Before we get down to the srs bsnss of results, though, it's time for some Scherzinger. ON ICE. She seems to have got thinner and her breasts bigger since last year's X-Factor. There is pro skating amidst a lot of dry ice, though I can't really see properly. There are also some musicians without their instruments plugged in. Well done, Nicole and skaters!

What happened earlier? Denise and Matt did not play Twister, Jason's childishness re Tim Healy was edited out, Tim is proud of his wife; Jeff and Isabelle focused on winning the group challenge; Sam was sad about getting bad comments; Chloe never thought she and Michael would get more than 25.0; Johnson was adamant they would win the Team Challenge while the audience sang 'Sandy' from Grease in the background; Laura wanted to double her points in the Team Challenge, and did, huzzah for her. Team Laura are delighted to be top three; Team Sam make do with a team hug.

Robin tells us that with a 9.5 we are close to a 10.0, just 0.5 away. Thanks, Robin! Jason fears that Sam and Chloe are in danger tonight. Bunton is asked who's made the most progress this week, and the look of utter confusion on her face as she tries to construct a coherent sentence is amazing. Holly then thanks them all three times before handing over to Phil for the ear-touching results. Who's safe? Laura and Colin, obv; Jeff and Isabelle; Chloe and Michael; and...Sam and Brianne.

So, children, we are left with third-placed Denise and Matt and bottom-placed Johnson and Jodeyne in the skate-off, and seeing as they are the two weakest skaters it just seems a leetle too convenient to be true. What say you? [The entirety of the pre-titles VT at the start of the main show this week basically seemed to be a thinly-veiled propaganda piece telling everyone that Denise and Johnson should be in the bottom two this week, so I wasn't really surprised. - Steve] Chris says that Johnson needs to retain his tenderness from earlier, and though Denise had a great performance "for her", she needs to do that again. So they both skate again. Denise is all, "I had a great time and did my best"; Johnson is all, meh, "I did my job."

And guess what, everybody saves Johnson. So the weakest skater is out. Despite finishing third on the leaderboard. And showing no signs of being in the skate-off previously. Anyway, conspiracy theories aside, we get to see Denise's highlights, including declaring that all she wanted from the show was a funny partner with a great bum. Matt reminds us that Denise is 52, and Denise, bless her, grabs the mic and says, "Did you know that, Jason? Did you know I'm 52?"

Next week it is PROPS WEEK, BITCHES, and Steve gets that particular joy. Join us then!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Does the Christmas special not count because Chris is still sore over getting his ass comprehensively kicked by Jayne, mebbe? ;)