Sunday, 27 March 2011

Sam as it ever was

2011 Final: 27th March 2011

We begin with black-and-white toned reminiscences of all the people who have appeared in the show this year. As always when reality shows do this, it's a bit unnerving; they're not dead, after all, they've just been eliminated from a fairly silly reality show about figure-skating. At least this show mixes things up a bit by including contestants who are still active in the competition at this stage. And it was quite helpful to have a prompt that people like Craig McLachlan and Elen Rives were ever actually on this series. Or WERE THEY? I forget where the official cut-off point actually was, considering we were in limbo for two weeks. Anyway, we start the show as we mean to go on: lying, as the voiceover man claims that there were 16 celebrities this year. I mean, if we count FRANKIE!, Dan, and Lovely Matt as about eight celebrities between them, the numbers might work. Barely. Anyway, people skated, people fell, there were pointless twists, there was pointless Bunton, and now there are just three couples remaining, and the judges insist that anyone can win. Only two can skate Bolero, and only one can be champion. Coincidentally, Sam is the next person to get a talking head after this comment. Conspiracy theorists, make what you will of that.

Titles, for the final time. The rink is covered in ribbons, and then rock music starts playing, with violins and whatnot courtesy of David Garrett (who is apparently famous, but then this is the same show that tried to convince me that Laura Hamilton was famous, so *shrugs*), as all the pros and a few more besides skate out of a circle to reveal Jayne and Chris, who then perform a Bolero. Because you may not realise this, but they did Bolero? At the Olympics? And got a medal or something? The details are a bit sketchy in my mind. If only the show would remind us occasionally, I might recall it more easily. It is actually pretty awesome seeing all the pros echoing them in their movements, and just seeing how fantastically flexible Jayne still is. I mean, I can't do a backbend like that now, ON ICE or otherwise. It ends with the classic lying-down-on-the-floor movement, echoed by the pros and the random extras.

Finally, we have Phil and Holly. Holly's looking lovely in red tonight, and is approximately twenty billion months pregnant by now. Phil claims that Jayne and Chris "defined the Bolero" (I think Ravel might have something to say about that) and tells us that we can download that special version of Bolero for free on the website. I'll pass, thanks. Holly explains the programme for tonight - each couple will reprise a favourite routine, and perform a routine they've choreographed themselves, and of course two will get to Bolero. [The verb 'to Bolero'. They will conjugate it. - Carrie]

Time for the skating stars: Sam and Brianne are up first, followed by Laura and Colin, and finally Chloe and Michael. Chloe is in pink. I fear for her chances. I think Chloe winks at the camera. This really is getting to be an infectious habit. Phil tells us that the competition to decide who'll be champion will begin...after the break, naturally.

When we return, it's time for the stars to perform their showcase routines. Holly asks Jayne and Chris how much pressure this adds. Jayne says that this is the first time it's been done on the show, and the celebs have had to come up with their own concept, lighting, props etc for their routine. I hope Sam's designed himself an all-hat dance. Phil warns us that there will be three headbangers in this performance. This presumably does not include the number of times I will be bashing my head on the coffee table in frustration at the idiocy of the show.

Sam's up first, and thinks it's "incredible" that he's in the final, and not at all something that has been predetermined for about six years. They've got 'Footloose' for their music, and Chris says that they'll need to bring out a sense of fun with this music. We see Sam doing his lighting design ("spotlight, spotlight, spotlight" - no seriously, this is fascinating stuff), costume design and choreography, assisted by Jayne and Chris on the last one. Sam has a lift where he has to lift two pros at once - and he tumbles in rehearsals, as was well-documented during the week. Sam struggles with his rib injury even in the dress rehearsal, but vows not to let it get the better of him. Cue more shots of him getting physiotherapy from unflattering angles. Poor Sam.

He begins with the track blasting out from his headphones, before putting his retro walkman in his locker and pounding out the bassline on it, which is copied by the five pros sitting at desks in the corner: Brianne, of course, as well as Dan, Lovely Matt (hooray!), FRANKIE! and Nina. Was the pro allocation entirely random? Because Sam appears to have conveniently landed himself the pick of the bunch. There's some general '80s crazy-dancing, and then Sam and Lovely Matt swing Brianne between them in an aeroplane lift. Then there are some float spins, where the girls are passed from guy to guy (perhaps another move that they all rehearse in their sex lives?). Then there's the infamous two-pro lift, where Sam carts Brianne on his shoulders while also lifting Nina, and it is is entirely underwhelming - it takes place at about 0mph and the camera barely manages to catch it before Nina has to step out of it. Then there are three consecutive headbangers, with Brianne STILL having to pound the ice with her arm to prevent brain-smashing death. Scores: Jason 9.5, Robin 10.0, Emma 10.0 for a total of 29.5. Brianne goes insane. Phil celebrates the arrival of the first ever tens on this show. Sam is asked about the condition of his ribs, and assures us that they're fine now he's seen the scores. Brianne calls him a trouper. Phil asks Sam if he told the other skaters about those headbangers. I imagine he would have to have done that at some point, Phil, yes.

Robin says they've been waiting week after week for the charismatic Sam to show up, and he showed up in abundance tonight. He thought that Sam was very much the leader of a great ensemble, and he saved the best for last. Bunto loved that Sam showcased himself as a performer, and was more fun and expressive than ever. Dr Bunton MD goes on to suggest that the pain from his ribs was pushing him through tonight. Jason thought it was a "feisty" opening and loved the choreography and the way Sam worked with the pro skaters. The reason he didn't get a full 10.0 was because the counterlever lift didn't move around fast enough, but he thinks it was a wonderful opening.

Laura and Colin are next. Colin is shirtless. Oh my. Chris recalls how Laura lit up the ice in her solo last week. Laura's excited about her showcase, and has chosen 'Express Yourself' by Madonna (or 'Born This Way' by Lady Gaga, as it's now known) and is using the video for her inspiration. We see Laura doing her backstage planning, which is every bit as fascinating as when we saw Sam doing it. Laura says that this is a massive responsibility, and there's a lot on her shoulder. She's worried about having to do a backflip over Sylvain (SYLVAIN!!) because she's not used to skating with him, and he's taller than Colin.

The opening of the routine is porntastic, with shirtless men pounding pistons and steam coming out and stuff. I need a cigarette. I think Laura should win automatically for giving us shirtless Sylvain, quite frankly. She's skating with Sylvain, Maria, Isabelle and Mark, as well as Colin. Her routine involves a lot more of all the skaters working together as a team, which I like, but it's not as spectacular as Sam's. Laura manages her backflip over Sylvain, but it's a bit unsteady. From there, there are more lifts and floats, although to be perfectly frank, this all takes a backseat to the toplessness.

Gubba tells us that the topless skating was all Laura's idea, to give the ladies (and the gays) a treat. Thanks, Laura! You've got my vote. [Mine too! I suddenly like Laura much more. - Carrie] Scores: Jason 8.5, Robin 8.5, Emma 9.0 for a total of 26.0. Laura says she really enjoyed the routine, and thanks all the other pros for their hard week. She thinks the backflip went well. Colin hopes they'll be skating the Bolero, but they had a lot of fun either way. Chris says that it's all down the public to decide who goes through, and who knows what will happen?

Holly asks Bunto the Human Hormone if she could concentrate at all throughout the performance. The answer is, of course, no. She thinks it was missing the sexy Madonna feel, which is why she couldn't give it a ten, but she loved the backflip. Jason felt that it wasn't as engaging as he hoped for, and feels that while the shirtless men were very nice, they didn't wholly detract from how laboured it felt. Robin agrees - there was too much concentrating on getting to the right place at the right time, and as a result it lacked spontaneity.

Phil reminds us that the judges' scores are "only for guidance" tonight, and if anyone out there is genuinely guided by Bunton's opinion, I worry deeply about them.

Time for an ad break. really need a commercial that makes them look like an insurance comparison engine and not a dating agency for people who haven't pinned down their sexuality one way or the other yet.

When we return, Phil and Holly reminisce about the joys of this series (such as they were) and tease Jason more about his hat and his well-publicised hair transplant before we go to Chloe and her showcase. Chloe's opinion on last week is as follows: "GUH." I think that says it all. She says that being in the skate-off was terrifying, but at least she made it to the final. She's very excited about her final showcase, and her music is the Glee version of '(I've Had) The Time Of My Life'. We see her picking costumes and planning lighting (YAWN) and then we get to see her skating team, who are all people I have NEVER SEEN BEFORE. Okay, fine, we have, but compared to Sam's team, Chloe's line-up is basically all people who started this series and lasted about two weeks. She's got Sean, Lukasz, Alexandra and Jodeyne (I could've sworn Jodeyne was a brunette, until my boyfriend pointed out that I was confusing her with Isabelle - such an impact this lot have left on me). Chloe says that it's all very challenging as she's got some great skaters on the ice with her, and she panics a bit at learning all the moves. She doesn't want to be the one holding everyone back, though apparently she is. She's determined not to show herself up after last week.

As is to be expected with this music, it begins with a lot of poncing around on the kiss-and-cry, to the point where I distinctly remember feeling compelled to point out on Twitter that the show is not in fact called Dancing Near Ice. They go for the iconic Dirty Dancing lift, and it's not terribly successful because Chloe's legs are all wrong, and it's all a bit embarrassing. There's a point where there are three drape lifts all happening together, and it's a bit unfortunate because if you look at Jodeyne and Alexandra, you can clearly see Chloe's legs are not in the right position at all. It's a lot of Chloe being born aloft by the guys while the other two ladies skate behind her being all "shit, we'd better do something interesting, then", and a bunch of impressively gymnastic lifts, but despite the deployment of the emergency fireworks, it's probably the least impressive of the three showcases. Not nearly as polished as Sam's, not nearly as shirtless as Laura's. Scores: Jason 8.5, Robin 8.0, Emma 9.0 for a total of 25.5. Chloe tells Phil that she never expected to get this far, and she just wants to enjoy tonight as a big party. Works for me, although Phil points out there's a trophy at the end of the party that Sam and Laura have both set their caps at, so Chloe might want to, y'know, buck her ideas up a bit. Michael is asked for his opinion, and says he feels very fortunate to be in the final in his first year, and skate with Chloe. Jayne says that Chloe came to them with distinct ideas of basing the routine around the movie (no shit) and she thinks that really came off.

Jason says that it was an okay recreation of Dirty Dancing and she coped well, but when you're putting in iconic moves, you need to get them right, and Chloe...did not so much. He thinks that maybe she had too much fun, and that's why she was getting sloppy. Richard heckles from the audience. Robin says that Baby might not have been in the corner, but she wasn't where she needed to be for two of the big skating tricks tonight. He liked the neck spin, and thinks she looked like she was enjoying it, but she also looked like it wasn't quite all in order. Bunto thinks Chloe lights up the ice, and while there may have been some finesse missing, Dirty Dancing is a FEMALE RITE OF PASSAGE or some half-baked shit like that. Go home, Bunton.

Leaderboard: Sam, then Laura, then Chloe. Not exactly a massive shock. The lines are opened, and we get a quick reminder of everything that we've seen so far. Including Laura's Big Gay Shirtless Orgy. Sigh. The audience aren't quite ready for the end of the VT and don't start clapping until it's a bit too late. Oops.

After some more ads, it's almost time for the finalists to reprise their favourite routine of the series, but not before Phil's had a quick chat with BIGGINS, who will be a judge on the tour. Biggins says that he loved doing the tour last year, and has got some lovely hats to wear this year, but he doesn't know yet what's going to be going on under that hat. He thinks Chloe was undermarked tonight. And then Biggins is gone. Bye, Biggins!

The first skater to reprise a routine is Sam, who'll be doing his Riverdance for us again. He says that his legs went to jelly when he skated for the first time (presumably he does not mean as a child, when he used to go skating to impress the...girls) and he entered the competition to challenge himself, and not at all to try to claw back some semblance of fame after being axed from EastEnders. He speaks highly of Brianne, and says that they've had an amazing time together. ESPECIALLY ALL THE SEX. His favourite routine was Riverdance, because initially he thought it was a ridiculous idea (dear Sam: it was) but then he got wicked awesome scores for it. His VT also briefly revisits Hatgate, and he says that he tries not to take the judges' criticisms too personally. He's found it all to be a life-changing experience.

Out they come, and the routine is every bit as bizarre as it was the first time, though I guess I can't deny how impressive it is from a technical perspective. Beyond that, there's not a lot to say about it that hasn't already been said about it the first time around. It's possibly a bit cleaner and sharper this time, although there wasn't really much that needed to be done on that front in the first place. Gubba wonders if we are looking at perfection, and calls it Sam's "signature performance, like Hayley's 'Jai Ho'." Scores: Jason 9.5, Robin 9.5, Emma 9.5 for a total of 28.5. Phil asks Sam why he picked this routine, and Sam says that the idea of Riverdance on ice seemed "barbaric" to him at first, but he ended up loving everything about it. Brianne loves it too, and doesn't want the whole experience to end. Chris thinks Sam is on fire tonight, and thinks that Sam's rib incident has toned him down and make him more focused.

Robin says it was a much stronger performance than last time, and there's a comfort factor to seeing it now, but there were a few stutters at the beginning that stopped it from being perfect. Jason agrees, and says it was astounding first time around, and tonight Sam upped his marks, but they have to deduct for the stutters. Bunto's like "there were stutters? OH YES, THERE WERE STUTTERS. And charisma and performance and stuff."

Laura and Colin are next, and Laura appears to be rubbing her lucky penny. She reminds us that she almost didn't make it into the competition in the first place, so she's amazed to have got this far, and has been buzzing throughout the whole experience ever since. She says that the show and Colin have been her life. We revisit their many, many dress rehearsal snafus and how that drives Chris and Jayne nuts, but they always get it right on the night. Laura's favourite routine was the 'I'm So Excited' routine, because it was fast and full of tricks and got them 9.5s across the board. Her lowest point of the competition was when she gored her leg, and she laughs about the scar she now has as a permanent reminder. She thinks the show has proven to her that she can achieve incredible things if she pushes herself.

The opening is perhaps a tad sloppy, but Laura's energy in this routine is ridiculous - she's practically throwing herself into every move. She pulls off the flip over Colin without incident, and there appears to be a new lift thrown in, which rather frighteningly involves her dress completely covering Colin's face as he lifts her. It's a good choice of routine to reprise because it sums up Laura really well: fast, excitable, and generally loud. They finish with a helicopter lift where Colin lets go of her for a split second - it's not that exciting to watch, but I guess letting go for any longer than that would be seriously dangerous. Gubba thinks it looks faster and cleaner than when we first saw it, and informs me that the scary lift is apparently a "front Detroiter", although you never really know with Gubba. Scores: 10.0s all round for a perfect 30.0. Well, someone had to do it this series, didn't they? Laura jumps for joy and Colin grabs her into a hug. She says that she's speechless, and that Colin span her so fast her eyes started to water. Colin giggles that she was holding herself up very strong, and he was able to let go very quickly. Laura reminds us that she needs our votes to win. Jayne says she knew Colin was going to let go because she could see him getting faster and faster, and finishes "brave girl". Insert obligatory "don't talk about Colin like that" joke here. Chris thinks Laura is a consummate performer who gives 110%. Make sure you've checked off your Ice Bingo card.

Jason: "Laura, I have to say my darling, I take my hat off to you." And he does, and reveals his new head of hair, completely stealing her moment. Sneaky! I feel the hair itself deserves comment, but: it basically looks exactly like you'd expect a hair transplant to look. He says that she's just proven why she's in the competition, and that it was even better than it was three weeks ago. Robin does not have any new hair to debut, and mangles his words: "Everything I didn't like very much about the first routine, you brought it in buckets in this, young lady." I mean, I know what he was getting at, but...yeah. He thinks she engaged with the audience, and performed alongside Colin at his level.

Phil, tapping his head: "So that's what 20 grand looks like." Hee hee hee. Time for Chloe and Michael. Michael's got his tits out as well! I guess we know what's coming. Chloe says that having got this far is the most incredible feeling ever, and nothing can compare to it. She thinks it's overwhelming how the whole experience makes her feel. Her favourite routine was 'Kiss Kiss' because she got to pretend to be a belly dancer, and Michael was topless. Oh Chloe. Laura's pretty much blown you out of the water on that front tonight, and none of her shirtless hotties had pigeon chests. (No offence, Michael.) Her hardest week was semi-final week because she fell over - she wishes she could go back and do it over. Which, in a way, she did in the skate-off. She laughs at how many injuries she's given Michael over the course of the competition, and says that the competition has been the most exciting, terrifying and nerve-wracking experience of her life, and thinks it's the best thing she's ever done and will ever do. Yep, she even rates it ahead of Celebrity Quitters on Channel 5.

Her hair ends up all over her face at the beginning of the routine and remains there for a good thirty seconds or so, which is quite distracting. There are some nifty slides in the routine that I don't remember from the first time around, though some of the arm movements aren't quite as sharp. She does manage to remove her arms in the final lift, though thankfully Michael does not, because that would probably result in severe maiming of Madeley Jr. Scores: Jason 9.5, Robin 9.5, Emma 9.5 for a total of 28.5 - up four whole points from last time. It's Chloe's highest score of the competition, and she's thrilled. She recalls dancing to this song as a kid, and Phil asks her if she's done enough to get to Bolero. Chloe's all "um, sure, why not?" Chris says that Chloe has matured hugely to get to this point, and they're all very proud of her.

Bunto tells Chloe that tonight's performance was tighter and sharper than last time, and she's loved watching Chloe over the competition, and thinks she's developed the most over the competition. Robin thinks it was very tight, and says that the transitions were brilliant tonight. Karen's a bit weepy [SHOCKER! - Carrie], and says that it's been a fantastic final, with three amazing celeb skaters. She says this is the night she's glad she's not a judge. As opposed to Jason being glad she's not a judge, which is every night.

Leaderboard, not that it actually means anything: Sam in first with 58.0, Laura in second with 56.0, and Chloe in last place with 54.0. All very respectable scores, I'm sure you'll agree.

Time for an ad break once again, after which we shall discover who shall be skating BOLERO.

When we return, Phil declares the lines officially closed, and he and Holly reminisce about the general amazingness of the series, AGAIN, which culminates in a VT, of course. Bunto recalls the qualifying rounds where some people were booted early - like Angela Rippon, who returns to the ice with Sean Rice (ooh, that rhymes!) to skate to 'At Last' one final time. I'm still slightly sad that she didn't make it onto this show, I think she would've been quite fun. She deserved to be here more than Kerry fucking Katona, anyway. After her should be Nadia Sawalha, but is actually Craig McLachlan and Maria, who looks embarrassed to be reminded of her epic failure this year as they reprise their 'Sympathy For The Devil' routine. Next are Elen and Lukasz, and Elen is looking lovely tonight, and again I'm slightly disappointed we didn't get any of her temperamental craziness. So, what do we think about Nadia, then: couldn't be arsed to come back, or had a genuine excuse? Although "couldn't be arsed" is an entirely valid excuse where this show's concerned, and not coming back for the final is a grand tradition started by Samantha Mumba, after all. Then the VT moves onto week three, where Bunto patronises Steven Arnold a bit, and he returns with Nina to reprise 'Rhythm Of The Night' and look generally embarrassed throughout. I hope Nina gets someone good next year, assuming she survives the cull. Week four was the ice pick, of course - hands up everyone who forgot that even happened? Bunto lies that it was exciting, and then Dominic and Alexandra are back to perform 'Are You Ready For Love'. I kind of forgot he was ever on this show in the first place.

Next was Vegas week, of course, with the first SHOCK SKATE-OFF, as Jennifer faced off against Vanilla Ice. Karen thinks they had so much more to show. LIKE SYLVAIN'S CHEST, I add. Seriously, Jennifer Metcalfe was so robbed. They should give her a do-over and let her come back next year like Shangela on RuPaul's Drag Race, only without all the stank, and with fractionally better dress sense. Then was theatre week, which saw off Dave and FRANKIE!, much to the relief of Jason. They reprise 'Achy Breaky Heart', and mime a bit of mid-air rumpo in the middle of it, presumably of the kind that Sam and Brianne did when they were practising their lifts at home.

Then we had the Ultimate Skills Test, which of course saw the demise of Kerry Katona. They, unfortunately, are performing their terrifying 'No Business Like Show Business' routine for their encore. Kerry has Kameltona, and looks as unsteady on the ice as she ever did. From there, we went to Strictly Come Dancing week, where Vanilla Ice was eliminated. He is, of course, doing his 'Ice Ice Baby' routine tonight, because everyone on the show wet their pants at the very idea of it. I've quite missed Katie Stainsby, actually. I hope she's back next year. After that, we had Team Challenge week, which also featured Tim Healy having a scrap with Jason, much to Karen's joy. It also lamentably saw the demise of Denise and Lovely Matt. They're skating to 'Slow', appropriately enough, although part of me thinks they should've done 'Let's Get Loud' purely for the lulz. Then there was EVIL HAT WEEK, and naturally Jason took against people who dislike hats, and Sam ended up in the bottom two with Jeff, who ultimately got the boot. Jeff and Isabelle reprise 'Hit The Road Jack'. I am so glad Jeff didn't make the final. And finally, of course, there was semi-finals week, and Karen blubs that Johnson is her own personal champion because of how much he achieved despite all the physical limitations he had. He is also a HERO, but Karen stops short of reminding us of that. He and Jodeyne reprise 'You Are So Beautiful To Me'.

Nadia's absence remains unexplained at the end of the performance. There's a quick plug for the tour via a competition, and then Holly's with the judges for some final words. Robin says that all three have done very well tonight, and have done as much as they can. He refuses to be drawn on who should go through. Jason says that unlike all those other predictable finals, these three have been fighting right through to the end, and he's glad that the judges don't get the casting vote, because they all deserve to skate Bolero. No one cares what Bunto thinks, naturally.

Everyone's in their Bolero outfits (Laura's wearing a particularly unflattering shade of purple lipstick, which is odd because the shade that Chloe's wearing is actually quite nice), and Phil touches his ear, so you know it's srs bsns time. The first couple through to skate Bolero is...Sam and Brianne. The other couple definitely through to skate Bolero is...Laura and Colin. So Chloe and Michael finish in third, which is perhaps the right result, although I would've quite liked to see her giving Bolero a go. (Note to anyone who cares: you can see it on the official website. It's...interesting.) Phil says this is his least favourite bit of the whole series, when someone's all dressed for the routine and then they don't get to do it. Chloe says she's thrilled to have even got this far, and hopes they might be able to do Michael's Bolero on tour, because "it's a treat".

Highlights VT: Chloe screamed a lot in training, and subsequently blossomed INTO A WOMAN. She now lists Christopher Dean as a fan, and says that she'll be heartbroken when the show ends. Which, for her, is now. Judy is very proud of Chloe. Blub blub blub. Jayne and Chris bring Chloe and Michael their flowers, and Chloe says it's all been incredible fun, and she's totally jealous of everyone who's going to get to do it next year. Heh.

After the break? BOLERO.

We're back, and the lines are re-opened, the vote totals having been reset to zero (I'm never entirely sure how I feel about this - I suspect I will decide properly when I know the result).

Sam and Brianne are first to BOLERO. We see clips of Chris and Jayne's famous routine, naturally, and Sam and Brianne have to copy the start and end positions, but can make up the rest themselves. Sam says it's hard trying to find moves that fit with the music, and that the whole thing's like a jigsaw puzzle. As the week goes on, they're still struggling to finalise a routine that they like, and Sam says that being this close to the win, he has to give the performance of his life.

Their Bolero is tense, although Sam looks quite scared. I think he's going for "passionate", but it's not quite working. Brianne spends a lot of it on one leg, and the synchronicity between the two is impressive. There's a tabletop lift in there, and that weird death-dive thing where Brianne basically hovers above the ice on her arse while Sam keeps her suspended by one leg or something. It's a spiral of some kind, I think. Perhaps Carrie knows the technical name. Sam says that he's loved all the competition, but doing the Bolero was his aim. It's also, apparently, his nan and granddad's 40th wedding anniversary. Oh, calm down, Sam: you're clearly winning this thing. Grabbing furiously for any kind of audience hook at this stage is a bit pathetic.

Robin liked that it was about the emotion of the Bolero rather than finding an excuse to do lots of tricks. He thinks that Sam connected in a way that he didn't previously. Bunto thought it was intense, and she couldn't take her eyes off them. Jason thought it gave everything he was looking for in a Bolero, and particularly liked how they allowed the routine time to breathe, so the audience could enjoy it with them.

Adverts. The girl with the perfect smile picks a mate. Literally no one cares. [Oliver Tompsett, formerly star of Wicked, did - his tweets were lolarious, mostly because he seems to know the guy who got picked. And is married. And thus he was outraged that the girl with a perfect smile was all a big big scripted farce, unlike Dancing on Ice itself, obviously. - Carrie]

Time for Laura and Colin to do BOLERO. More clips of Jayne and Chris. Laura says it's very daunting knowing that they have to choreograph it by themselves. Colin admits that he's not a choreographer. This doesn't bode well. They seem to do a lot of skating around the rink and shrugging in rehearsals. This, basically, is where Laura loses the competition, because you just know that whatever she comes up with, it's not going to be enough to beat him. Laura says that she's really worried. Karen asks them what they're building up to. The answer seems to be "nothing". Laura says that having got this far, they have to perform from the heart, and they'd love it if their names were on the trophy.

They take to the ice to skate BOLERO. Colin winks at the camera. Dammit, Colin! Their interpretation of the opening is more traditional than Sam and Brianne's was. Laura is doing her SRS ACTING face. There is, of course, a backflip in there, because this is Laura. Their routine is less showy than Sam and Brianne's was, but I rather like its simplicity. It picks up significantly towards the end, with a brilliant step-up lift and a float spin, but Sam and Brianne's was superior, there's no escaping it. Laura says there was the added pressure of wanting Chris and Jayne to be proud of them. Colin says he grew up with Chris and Jayne's routine, which really does up the ante, but he's proud that they're dancing BOLERO because they nearly went out in the first week.

Jason thinks they've been brilliant throughout, but he thought their routine was slow to get going, and it lacked the choreographic finesse of Sam's. He thought it picked up a lot in the second half, though. Robin is glad she didn't go out in the first week. He thought the step-up lift was brilliant and loved the ending. Bunto liked the intensity of Laura without being "crazy lady" for once and thought it was great.

Quick recap. BOLERO. Then BOLERO. The end.

Adverts. No BOLERO here.

Back to the ice. Holly tells us that the lines are now closed. Jayne thinks Sam has shown great skating over the weeks and tonight, and has entertained everyone with his performances. Particularly in the tabloids. Chris thinks Laura has engaged with her JOURNEY. Jayne points out that they both got tens tonight as well. But Laura got more, I might add.

Phil's on the red carpet. Sam wants to thank everyone who's supported them, and all the backstage people who made it all happen etc etc. He says that Brianne is a friend for life, and kisses the top of her head. He says that he wouldn't be here now if it weren't for her. And he'd have looked damn stupid lifting nothing, I might add. We get his highlights VT: a supremely able skater from the very beginning, he says that he loves skating and he loves Brianne. Chris lies that Sam was the first male celebrity to attempt the headbanger (DAVID SEAMAN NEVA 4GET). Montage of excellent feedback for Sam. He says that the adrenaline rush is like nothing he's ever felt before. He never thought he'd love skating. Even though we all know he skated as a kid. What a phony.

Back in the studio, Laura realises that Sam got all the good thankyous, so echoes what he said, thanking everyone on the show and her family and friends, who've put up with her ignoring them for six months in favour of BEING ON ICE. Colin thinks he couldn't have chosen a better partner for his first series. Aw, I've grown quite fond of Colin. If he returns next series, I may honour him with the prefix "Lovely" as well. Highlights: Jayne remembers Laura being bubbly and enthusiastic on their first meeting. Laura thinks it's all been incredible. They laugh at how she tackles everything at great speed. Montage of excellent feedback for Laura. Laura points out that she won't know what to do with herself when the show's over. She says that she feels like the luckiest person in the world.

Time for the final result. The Dancing On Ice champion for 2011 is...

...Sam and Brianne. "What? What?" screams Brianne. Oh come on - like it was a surprise to anyone. Holly hands over runner-up bouquets to Laura and Colin, and reminds them that they nearly went out in week one. She asks if they're going to continue skating, and Laura says yes, and adds that Lewis Hamilton came 2nd in the Grand Prix today, so second isn't that bad. Or that people who share her surname are doomed never to lift the trophy; I can't really tell, that last bit was kind of muffled.

Sam and Brianne get the trophy. Sam hands it to Brianne and puts her on his shoulder. That's pretty much it - Holly thanks everyone on the show, Phil thanks us all for watching and reminds us that they'll be back next year. As, indeed, will we. ON ICE.

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