Tx: 22nd January 2012
Good evening, everybody! Last week, we concluded that Jorgie and Matthew are this year's ringy-ringy-ringers, we learnt that Laila did not give a tiny rat's ass about the competition, and thus were quite pleased when she left. We learnt that the show does not object to the commodification of women because they happily welcomed and revelled in the presence of a warrenful of Playboy bunnies. And we also gained further proof that Katarina Witt is amazing, as if we needed it.
The Macleans bumpers are being weird now. Not as annoying as the Girl With The Perfect Smile And Fake Boyfriend, but pretty weird. It looks like they're doing some kind of Military Wives-esque choir with ordinary folk who brush their teeth. This is not something I wish to see on my television. I have a phobia of people brushing their teeth in front of me, it makes me vomit. If this persists, I will be writing a strongly worded letter.
Ooh, you guys! Welcome to Dancing on Ice: The Movie, which is cruelly and inappropriately using the epic score from Back to the Future! All the contestants are dressed up, possibly as famous actors, but I have no idea who they're supposed to be! They wander down a red carpet and give the usual anodyne quotes, just like real Hollywood stars! [All we're missing is Kim Taylor Bennett trying not to look embarrassed about playing second fiddle to a couple of anthropomorphic M&Ms. - Steve]So what are we to expect tonight?
Jayne is excited to see Jorgie and Matt compete against each other, but wonders (warns?) that Chico might jump ahead of both of them. Chris tells us that the competition starts THIS week, so the past two weeks were a pointless waste of time.
Cue the titles!
Lights, camera, action, and we're live at the rink. Christine is in a gold dress, presumably in an effort to look like an Oscar. Phil tells us that everybody is hoping for an Academy-Award-winning performance tonight, and introduces our contestants: Andy W and Vicky; Jorgie and Matt; Chico and Jodeyne; Jenny Elly and Dan; Rosemary and Mark; Chemmy and Sean; Sam and Alexandra; Mark and Frankie; Heidi and my Andrei (in a tux!); Corey and Brooke; Sebastien and Brianne; Charlene (who is presumably supposed to look like Marilyn Monroe, but looks more like Michelle Dotrice) [I was thinking more Delta Work - Steve and Matthew; Matthew and Nina, and obviously, at the top of the bill, Jayne and Chris.
Fuck me, that's 13 couples. I was excited when the show started at 6.10 tonight as I thought it'd finish by 8.10, but no, it's an 8.30 finish as usual. UGH.
Phil and Christine then tell us we can go to the official Dancing on Ice website and play a fabulous new game and pretend to be one of the judges. Two seconds later, the entire website crashed as the whole viewing population rushed there in order to pretend to be Katarina Witt for the rest of the night.
Chico and Jodeyne are up first. She still has a look of utter terror in her eyes. Her lovely smile does a good job of disguising it, but we all know the truth. Chico tells us that last week was beyond his wildest dreams, and he hopes he surprised people in a good way, because he wants to show us that there is more to him than just Chico Time. Dude, if that is the case, please stop fucking saying it then. This week, they are skating to You've Lost That Loving Feeling, from Top Gun, and Chico must be romantic rather than cheeky.
Instead, he opts for whatthefuckworthy, marching on to the ice in military style, miming the first line of the song into a military microphone, and then beginning the routine with military Barbie Jodeyne. Gubba reminds us that Chico used to be a goatherd in Morocco. Scores - Dance 6.5, Robin 5.5 and Katarina 6.0 for a total of 18.0. Chico clasps his hands together in an earnestly thankful way, and then he starts FUCKING TALKING AND DOES NOT SHUT UP FOR ABOUT THREE SOLID HOURS. When Jodeyne gets a word in, she says the usual thing about Chico working really hard and being proud. Chris says they were trying to make Chico into a classic pairs skater. Katarina says they cover the ice very well, and she likes the simplicity of the choreography as well as the control of the skating and partnership. Dance is hyperventilating and talking about his own loving feeling. Nobody needs to know about this, Dance, shush. He adds that he thought Chico captured the moment and then shouts, "Chicatito, there's NOTHING WRONG!" Robin then veers into utter madness and says Chico does not have an arrogant bone in his body. What the fuck ever, Robin.
Next we have Rosemary and Mark. She says last week was scary and she was disappointed when she stumbled. Jayne thought the rest went very well apart from that. They've got Wind Beneath My Wings from Beaches to skate to, and she's very pleased because her routine is "exquisite". Ah, but then we get plinky plaintive piano music, and we all know what that means - she's struggled this week, and is very worried about having to "skate to survive". Come on, Rosemary. Get a fucking grip. You're supposed to be an inspiration to older women everywhere, not a pathetic woobie old lady.
The routine itself is packed with glitches and stumbles - she seems to be catching her blades all over the place right from the start - and that seems to throw her as her speed noticeably slows. Scores - Dance 3.0, Robin 3.5 and Katarina 4.0 for a total of 10.5. Rosemary jokes about adding extra dancey steps, and Mark jokes about grabbing a lady in places he's never grabbed them before. She talks about how stressed she is, and normally she doesn't stress about anything, then thanks Mark for being so patient. Bless. Jayne says Rosemary did everything they asked. They asked her to fall over? Robin says Rosemary has to allow her talent to emerge because she has perfect lines and perfect glide. Katarina says Rosemary is her hero for taking on those challenges, but she has to let go of her fear and use it to become more forceful. Dance says that Rosemary has natural poise and he wants to see more of it as well as breadth through her movement.
Incidentally, in the middle of all this, there is a terrifying and unnecessary close-up of David Seaman's face. Maybe he's there so he can point out to them the next time they try to erase him from Dancing on Ice history. Or maybe this is the start of SEAMAN-CAM [*childish snigger* - Steve], a similar innovation to LEN'S LENS. Regardless, I do not like it. We need warnings of this kind of thing.
Next Sam and Alexandra. I genuinely don't know which is Sam and which is Mark from week to week, and I only know they exist because of this show. They are skating to Kung Fu Fighting. Really, show? There are lots of air-punches in rehearsal and a fucking scary back flip for Alexandra, which Sam is panicking about. Because of course it's all about him.
Sweet mother of God, they have props, and Sam is karate-chopping through planks of wood before moving into a routine full of ethnic stereotypes. It all feels ever so slightly racist, particularly as Alexandra is one of the most Nordic-looking people on the face of the planet. Anyway, she doesn't die during the back flip, meaning that Sam throws himself to the ground with glee. Scores - Dance 4.5, Robin 5.0, and Katarina 6.5 for a total of 16.0. Sam reminds us that he was really worried about the back flip, and Alexandra admits that it has not been going well all week. Sam looks a bit narked by the comment, even though he has been whining like a bitch for the past seven days. Katarina talks about "the whole ice going backwards" and says that Sam is not a dangerous kung fu fighter but a cuddly panda. HA! Robin starts talking about technique, to which Sam is nodding but clearly has no idea what he means. Dance reminds us that he is looking at the way the choreography is executed, and then starts shouting about sloppy arms.
Karen is beaming and looking beautiful in lots of bling, telling Christine how proud she is of everyone. Jorgie talks absolute babble, Matt wails about setting himself a high standard. RING RING RING. Christine bizarrely then tells Rosemary that Dr Hilary has tweeted about how beautiful she looks.
Right. Chemmy and Sean. Chris says that she is exuberant but needs to pay more attention to the detail. Cue footage of her falling backwards a lot and telling Sean, "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," before weeping about her pride being hurt. They are skating to Rescue Me. From Sister Act. With habits. Oh what the very fuck. And then Sean takes Chemmy's clothes off her. This show is so inappropriate tonight. I don't want to watch a nun's clothes being stolen. The big lift at the end goes very wrong - poor Chemmy. Gubba then tells us that Chemmy wears a hearing aid, but you wouldn't know. If we wouldn't know, and we don't need to know, why are you telling us this? [Also, he called it a "deaf aid", which: no. - Steve] Scores - Dance 3.0, Robin 3.0 and Katarina 4.5 for a total of 10.5. Ouch.
Chemmy says it was a 50/50 challenge whether she would get it up, and Phil pounces on the double entendre, asking Sean whose fault it was that they couldn't get it up. Sean, bless him, either doesn't get it or opts to ignore it, telling us that it's teamwork. Jayne smiles about Chemmy trying really hard. Dance commends Chemmy for trying the lift, and says he was looking forward to seeing her do a slower routine with light and shade, but she was weak in her centre. He urges her to come back fighting. Katarina begs her not to do the big lifts because she is a tall woman and it scares her. Chemmy tries to interrupt and says that she wants to challenge herself. Katarina rightly says to leave it for a few more weeks. Robin points out that Chemmy can skate and doesn't need the trickery; Phil interjects that it went well in rehearsal. Whatever, Phil.
Corey and Brooke now. And guess what he's skating to. Stand By Me. He talks about his friend River Phoenix WHO IS DEAD, and asks if he can add his own dance moves in, because he used to be friends with Michael Jackson, WHO IS ALSO DEAD. That's some good reality TV troping right there, Feldman, invoking two dead friends in the space of two minutes. Jayne, with the power of understatement, says they don't normally choreograph moonwalks into routines.
Corey begins with an off-ice Temptations-esque routine and then head-pops his way on to the rink, getting in a tangle with a lunge, and then throwing his sunglasses on to the floor. Brooke smiles elegantly. Scores - Dance 2.5, Robin 2.5, Katarina 3.0 for a total of 8.0. Corey looks genuinely gobsmacked. Phil adds a purple strand to the front of his hair and Corey does not seem to realise he is being teased, and then starts to talk about River some more, wondering if the mistake on the lunge was what lost him the marks. Robin says that it feels as if Corey is walking on the ice, and wants to see more "blade action". Dance enjoyed the choreography off the ice, and his performance faces, but feels that Corey doesn't really do much else. Katarina eulogises about the "canvas made of ice" and says he will need the fans to stand by him. Corey folds his arms and looks thoroughly pissed off.
Jenny Elly and Dan next. Last week, she was terrified about being in the middle of the leaderboard, and also because the judges were judging her, apparently ("literally everything is under scrutiny!" she frets. She should've done the show when Bunton was a judge. She didn't notice anything). This week she has hurt her ribs and she had to go and get physio in the middle of the dress rehearsal. As such, they are now having to change the choreography so Dan isn't holding her anywhere near her ribs.
They are skating to Listen from (the movie) Dreamgirls (but not the stage show). Presumably Dan here is cast in the role of cruel manipulative husband, while Jen is poor sweet innocent Deena. Jen does have lovely foot positioning, which I suppose is the ballet training. I'm trying to look at Jen's face as she's skating, but the camera is cutting away - the fact that she's crying when they finish is probably indicative of the fact that she is in a fair amount of pain. Scores - Dance 6.5, Robin 5.0, Katarina 6.5 for a score of 18.0. Jen thanks Dan, and sobs a bit. Dan says they had the aim of beating last week's score, which they managed, and Jayne says rib injuries make it hard to breathe let alone skate. Chris says, "More pain, more gain." Dance talks about fingertips, Robin talks about ankles and being on top of Dan, and then collapses into giggles. Katarina says that the pained face worked for the routine. HA!
Now Mark and Frankie, who seems to be wearing the same purple-tinted sunglasses that Corey had earlier. He says he needs to start stepping up to the mark. Was that a pun? They're skating to Everybody Needs Somebody from The Blues Brothers, and Frankie believes this plays to Mark's comedy strengths. She then makes a pun about a "marked improvement".
For someone who initially purported to be a singer, Mark is a really bad dancer, struggling to get his arms moving in time. Weirdly, he's better when they're on the ice, particularly when he's facing Frankie and can copy her. Scores - Dance 3.5, Robin 3.0, Katarina 4.0 for a total of 10.5. They squeal about reaching double figures and Mark points out that you have to get better in a competition. Phil tells us that Frankie told Mark to "stay with her" before they went out on to the rink, and Frankie says he managed that and awards him a gold star. Chris is then a bitch as always and says that Mark is rubbish at skating. Katarina says that of course everyone loves Mark but asks him why he has skates on if he is not going to skate. Oh, Katarina. You are so amazing at everything. Robin says it was fun to watch. Dance likes Mark and his energy, although it was a bit ploddy, and mentions that he wanted to throw him a fish because his mouth was open (like a seal at feeding time, one presumes).
Christine talks to Sam about "your magnificent back flip". He didn't DO a back flip. Alexandra did it. He just stood there. Christine lies to Chemmy that she is currently trending on Twitter, and then she cries about it all going wrong some more. Karen says the judges aren't being particularly tough, but they are providing comments they can work with, and there have been lots of risks taken this week. THEN FUCKING CHICO INTERRUPTS AGAIN to tell us how wonderful Karen is, and to kiss her, and generally hog more screen time. But he's not arrogant. Oh no.
Jorgie and Matt now. She narrates the past two weeks in the style of a rather confused toddler, which I'd like to think is an acting choice, but which I actually believe might be her natural demeanour. They're skating to Dolly Parton's 9 To 5, which incorporates a sitting lift, about which Jorgie screeches a lot in rehearsal, partly because she's up very high in the air, and partly because it hurts her buttocks. Which is fair enough really.
Obviously they skate it beautifully, with a nifty piece of toe-stepping, and Jorgie does the "sexy secretary" cliche well. Scores - Dance 7.5, Robin 6.5 and Katarina 7.5 for a total of 21.5. Jorgie declares that she was saved by her knickers. I don't even know what that means. Matt thanks Jayne and Chris for fulfilling his fantasy of skating with a secretary. I don't even know what that means either. Jayne laughs that Matt was really hanging on to Jorgie's knickers, and Phil starts talking about wedgies. Dance is happy about all the choreography and all the acting, and wonders what will happen next. Katarina thanks Jorgie for being like a shining jewel and admires the fact that she can act, skate and scream simultaneously. Robin says it was all right on the button and worked really, really well.
Ooh, and so we get to directly compare the two frontrunners, because Matt and Nina are next. He lies that he never expected to be at the top of the leaderboard in the first week. They're skating to Night Fever, and because Nina has never seen Saturday Night Fever, he takes her to a Seventies club to dance. They then try to translate the moves on to the ice, at which point Matt wobbles and falls on top of Nina. You see? He's not a ringer! He falls over! Like normal people!
Matt is white-suited up, and also has three backing dancers before he gets on to the ice. He tries to do a Travolta sneer, and fails. Still, the skating is nice (although there are some really ugly lifts in there), and he does look like he's leading, which is unusual for the men in this competition. Scores - Dance 6.0, Robin 8.0 and Katarina 7.5 for a total of 21.5. Ooh, he's matched her! Matt admits he was nervous because it all went wrong in rehearsal today, and Nina then tries to steal Phil's mic in order to declaim about how proud she is of her partner and the risk he took in doing the lift. Robin says that Matt delivered big tricks and danced well, but he also gets the blades working properly - "you wouldn't know which was the professional and which was the celebrity." Katarina says it doesn't feel like Matt is a non-skater, and Dance says a mid-tempo number can go either way - "For me it didn't have that spark you should have with every tempo," he says, and gets booed for his trouble.
Charlene and Matthew are our next contestants. She says she had "so much fun" on week 1, and she's excited about dancing to Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend. However, she is less keen on some of the lifts and spins that are in the routine, particularly after she too incurs a rib injury. Poor old Sharon the physio is earning her money this year.
Corey's boy-band chums are back to dance with Charlene at the top of the routine, before she gets on to the ice and joins Matthew. Her dress is very long, which seems a bit cumbersome to me, until I realise it's got splits up the side (the material flaps into Matthew's face when they do the lift, but hey ho). Gubba talks about Moldovan ambassadors. Scores - Dance 5.0, Robin 4.0, Katarina 6.0 for a total of 15.0. Charlene says that if she goes through, she won't chicken out of lifts next time. [I knew she was heading for the bottom two as soon as she said that. YOU DO NOT QUESTION TORVILL AND DEAN. - Steve] Chris looks unconvinced. Jayne interjects again about how hard it is to skate with a sore rib. Katarina says the character suited her, and she liked the portrayal. Dance agrees about the characterisation of the choreography, and says the lines were much better. Robin says that Charlene moves "very lovely" on the ice. Seriously, is he drunk tonight?
Sebastien and Brianne next. Last week he did freerun-dancing on ice, and surprised everybody, although Robin told him to skate more with his partner. They're skating to Mad World from Donnie Darko, and they will have to be in tune with each other with some odd-looking moves that look like they will tear your hamstrings. Seb tells us that it is "crucial for Brianne and I to be as one." Brianne explains that basically they'll both go arse over tit if one of them is slightly off-beam.
They begin with some caped and masked weirdness, before moving on to the rink where their speed is notable. Nobody falls over, and Sebastien finishes in a strange little headstand thing. Scores - Dance 5.0, Robin 6.5, Katarina 6.5 for a total of 18.0. Sebastien says there is no more "I", there is "we". Or "wee". Or "oui". He says it is hard to work with a partner but he likes it. Brianne says she needs to learn what Sebastien's style is so that they can really work together. Chris muses about Sebastien's "gentle spirit". Dance says Sebastien has long legs and a short torso which produces nice lines, but he needs to work on his performance. Robin disagrees - his lines are "great", and the quirkiness of the routine worked well. Robin and Dance start to bicker, and then Sebastien tries to explain to Dance what his acting and characterisation choices were. Heeeee!
Andy (in his really ugly wig) and Vicky now. For their first performance, they did much comedy and entertained Robin and Dance, scoring 12.0 in the process. This week they're skating to Grease, which, sadly for him, means he has to go and see Ray Quinn for advice. FUCK OFF RAY QUINN. He tells us he was in the West End playing Danny (which he got on the back of his Dancing on Ice win), and then gives Andy some acting advice that is ever so slightly reminiscent of Susan Sarandon's to Joey in Friends: "You OWN the room!" [So from that I extrapolate that Andy and Ray ended up sleeping together. *shudders* - Steve]
Anyway, Andy combs his quiff, Vicky leads him by the hand around the rink, but at least they're not doing Comedy Faces this time round. It's quite a cute and tidy little number. Better than anything I'd have expected with Ray Quinn's involvement. Scores - Dance 4.5, Robin 4.5, Katarina 5.0 for a total of 14.0. Andy is happy with the improved score, and reveals that when he ran his hair through his wig, his fingers nearly got stuck in the hairspray. Vicky says Andy has worked hard (of course), and Jayne is shocked at how well he skated. Katarina says Andy keeps surprising her - this routine had much more skating, but she wants him to find a way to work with the music a little more. Robin says it was entertaining for the right reasons, and then somehow Dance manages to repeat everything I typed in my recap above.
IT'S THE FINAL PERFORMANCE! And it's Heidi (who broke Sylvain) with my Andrei! In the first week, she was slow, timid and clinical by her own admission. She reckons she loves being in the competition, and is excited to be skating to Goldfinger. Jayne says Heidi needs to be a Bond girl, but Chris is the one who demonstrates the appropriate Bond girl movements, because he's an old ham. Amelle!Sugababe turns up to rehearsal to yell "SEXIFY!" from the sidelines, which I'm sure is incredibly helpful. [I think that's the lyrics to their next single. - Steve]
They are skating to some kind of fucked-up remix of Goldfinger which I hate more than I hate Heidi. Also there isn't enough camera close-up of Andrei, and images of giant dildoes seem to be projected across the ice. I don't understand this show tonight. Scores - Dance 5.0, Robin 5.0 and Katarina 5.5 for a total of 15.5, which Heidi is really pleased with. She then says it's tough to concentrate on performing when Andrei is shouting at her to get down on her knees. Everyone screeches, Andrei blushes, Heidi takes a while to realise what she's said. Honestly, the double entendres tonight are impossible. [If not the double entendres, then the audience's insistence in POINTING THEM ALL OUT. I mean, that's our job. - Steve] Dance then tells Andrei if he needs a new partner, he's available. Where is Susie? Why is she not here putting a stop to this behaviour? Robin says it wasn't so timid as before, and Katarina says Andrei is wonderful so the lifts are secure, but she wants Heidi to spice it up a bit more. Chris has now controlled his hysteria, and says that Heidi and Andrei are now secure in their partnership having had a fortnight to work on it. Wow, Chris, that was worth waiting for.
So the leaderboard - Jorgie and Matt are tied at the top, with Corey languishing at the bottom. Vote vote vote if you care! The results will follow later this evening!
Welcome back,children. Earlier tonight, we celebrated the movies, and approximately 159 non-famous people skated for our votes, which we all failed to give them because none of us have voted on this show for three years! Now - it's time for the skate-off...
Phil and Christine welcome us back, and remind us that one couple will be leaving this evening - the lines have now closed, and a suitably ominous graphic is beamed on to the rink. Before we get any results, it's time for a recap (please just see above) and the backstage gossip, such as it is: Chico kissed an old lady and claimed that he was being cool rather than cheesy; Rosemary was disappointed to mess up on the night; the kung fu Sam-and-Mark was really nervous; Chemmy cried and cried and cried but hopes "the people" respect that she took a risk; Corey refused to talk to the camera and so Brooke and Karen tried to cover his hissyfit up; Jen was in physio immediately after the routine so Dan tried to cover that up; the Blues Brothers Sam-and-Mark promised he will get better week on week; Jorgie and Matt think they will go up (on strings); Matt was "chuffed to bits" to get the same mark as Jorgie; Charlene feels a responsibility when playing Marilyn Monroe, notwithstanding the fact that nobody is really watching this or cares; Sebastien thinks comments are "good to take" and will work with them; Andy is glad that he keeps surprising people; and Heidi enjoyed this routine much more.
Wow, we really do have a stunningly interesting troupe of contestants this year, don't we?
Christine asks Robin about the bunching at the top of the leaderboard, and he says that there will always be somebody at the bottom. Which is sort of how leaderboards work. And then he talks about people getting on their knees again. Dance talks a bit about the potential on show from the middle of the pack, and says how excited he is to be working. Katarina beams beautifully, and says that Jorgie is breathtaking to such an extent that she doesn't look at Matt (meaning Lovely Matt, but the camera operator is confused and shows Emmerdale Matt instead).
Phil touches his ear, and begins to give us the results. Who's safe? Corey and Brooke. What the fuck? Everybody is entirely confused. Who else? Sebastien and Brianne; Chico and Jodeyne; Matthew and Nina; Jorgie and Matt; Kung Fu Sam-and-Mark and Alexandra; Heidi and Andrei; Rosemary and Mark; Chemmy and Sean; Jennifer and Dan; and Andy and Vicky.
So that leaves Charlene and Mark and Blues Brother Sam-and-Mark and Frankie in the skate-off. I am totally unbothered by either of these, which is probably the reason why they are both in the bottom two.
Blues Brother Sam-and-Mark and Frankie go first. They are slow over the ice, and several mistakes including "me tie falling out me jacket", apparently. Chris scolds him for admitting errors. Charlene and Matthew (and their three random dancing boys) follow; it's much better acted, obviously, and this should be a foregone conclusion. Surely?
Robin saves Charlene; Dance loves Mark's spirit, but Charlene's performance was stronger; and Katarina completes it by saying that Charlene used her second chance best. That means that Mark and Frankie are out of the competition. "Oh no!" exclaims Phil. "What a nightmare! I'm so sorry!" Mark is very pragmatic about it, saying that he was near the bottom and made mistakes, and Charlene was much better, so she deserves to go through. Aw, that's nice.
Montage of his best bits - mostly falling over and saying that he is in competition with Sam. Jayne and Chris say that it's been lovely working with him and he has a magnificent spirit; Mark thanks Frankie for working "with limited resources" and urges a round of applause for her, while Steve takes to Twitter to urge a ringer for her next series. More shoddy camera work as Mark and Frankie skate in front of the shot and Katarina seems to be doodling on a notepad, and we're out!
Join us again next week when the contestants face some kind of immense challenge, and Torvill and Dean will perform a solo routine for us! Steve will be here for that, but until then...keeeeeeep fast over the ice!