Tx: 4th March 2012
So! I'm back to recap. Steve promises me there are only a few weeks left of this absolutely dire series, so because I love him and because I love you bitches too, I will see this through to the bitter end. [You've only got one more left after this. You can do it. I believe in you! - Steve] Beginning with tonight. I did suggest that I could just write an entirely fictitious recap in the style of a Choose Your Own Adventure book, but then realised that wouldn't actually fit the brief of a "recap", so actually watching the bloody show it is.
Last week we lost the remaining SamandMark, it was Rock Week, the cast of Rock of Ages brilliantly performed an excerpt from their horrible show, Jorgie nearly killed Lovely Matt, I likened Dancing on Ice to professional wrestling, Andy was a miserable little bitch, and now we have six contenders left. Six? *brightens up considerably* That's not many! This week they have the Team Challenge, and the winning team will have their scores doubled. Can anyone say "gimmick"?
Titles! And Phil and the scarily thin Christine join us. Actually her silhouette looks really odd. Perhaps it's because her mic pack is distorting it. Anyway, they explain the extremely tricky concept of a Team Challenge, and then throw to a VT which explains it even further. Jorgie and Matthew are the team captains, and make their picks - Jorgie takes Jen and Chemmy ("a real girlie team!"); Matthew takes Chico and Andy. Jayne is excited to have boys v girls, probably thinking of her triumph in the Christmas special. Ah, good times.
Right, here are the skating stars: "Team Jorgie captain" Jorgie and Matt; Andy and Vicky; Chemmy and Sean; Chico (WITH NO SHIRT ON WHY GOD WHY?) and Jodeyne; Matthew and Nina; and Jen and Dan.
And we begin with Jorgie and Matt. She kicked him in the head during rehearsal last week, which she says was "the worst thing in the world ever". Chris says they were both very brave to skate. I think Matt was the bravest one, to be honest. This week they are skating to Crazy in Love by Beyonce, which makes Jorgie very happy indeed. The routine is more intricate with fewer spectacular lifts, and poor Matt still has a huge plaster over his sliced-up face as he talks to Jorgie like she's a ridiculous toddler.
They skate. Jorgie's hair is obscenely big. She does lots of stupidly urban moves which remind me of the choreography to Positive in Legally Blonde: The Musical. But actually, she's a pretty good skater, so it's a bit annoying that they usually just pack her routines full of eye-catching lifts. Gubba tells us that Jorgie is a size six and buys clothes intended for 12-year-olds. And reads books intended for six-year-olds. Scores - Dance 9.0, Robin and Katarina 8.5 for a total of 26.0. Jorgie squeaks about really enjoying the performance. Chris reveals that next week is Prop Week. Good luck with that, Steve. [*wail* - Steve] Robin says it is good to be cautious and not slice your partner's face off. Katarina says they are the perfect package (fnar). Dance enthuses about Jorgie's hair.
Christine asks Chris about the Team Challenge, and just as you'd expect in the stupid gender normative show that is Dancing on Ice, he reveals that the girls are being "sexy" and the boys are "flexing their muscles". Yawn. Jayne gets bored of them wittering on and interrupts to say that being on the ice with two other couples is tricky and can be chaotic. Jen says she has had a fantastic week spending time with the girls. Um, why do we care?
Right, Andy and Vicky. He moans some more about last week's scores because he thinks he deserved more, and he says he argued back with the judges because he cares about the show. Well, be better then, that would get you better scores. This week they are skating to Suspicious Minds, and Chris wants Andy to overact with a passion. Hence he gets sent to a "physical performance expert", which is so uncomfortable to watch. You would really think an actor would be better at acting. [I've learned never to overestimate people, thanks to reality TV. - Steve]
Andy's mouth hangs open unattractively throughout this routine. Is he trying to sneer, or does he simply have a cold? This is really dull and low-key. Also, I don't like Andy so have no interest in him. Scores - Dance: 6.5, Robin 7.0, Katarina 7.0 for a total of 20.5. There is a huge amount of celebration because he has broken the 20 barrier, like anyone really cares apart from Andy. Katarina thought the skating was better, but missed the hip movement. Robin says it was loads better than last week, even though he isn't supposed to compare and contrast previous performances. Andy says he knows he's not as good as everyone else, but people don't see all the work he put in.
Chico still has no shirt on. Last week he was poorly sick and was shaking, but he still got through it. Good for him, I guess. He was pleased that the judges saved him from the skate-off. This week they are skating to I'm Sexy And I Know It, and Jodeyne looks like she's about to vomit. Jayne and Karen are a little more interested. Then Chico nearly breaks Jodeyne's head. She's a tough bird, though, which is just as well, because he then throws her over his shoulder during a lift when he slips. He muses that he should make sure that she's safe on the ice. Yeah, good idea, dumbass.
Chico STILL HAS NO SHIRT ON. And zebra-print trousers with the word "sexy" picked out in pink sequins. And there is thrusting.
Seriously, I can't watch this. I'm fast-forwarding.
Gubba makes racial stereotypes about being Moroccan, and then cackles. Just as well he finds himself amusing, because I'm fairly sure nobody else does. Scores - Dance 8.5, Robin 8.0, Katarina 8.5 for a total of 25.0. Chico reminds us that he is FORTY, dear, I said I'm 40 YOU KNOW. Jodeyne says she takes risks doing this sport and skating with an utter idiot. Jayne says that she wasn't watching his skating. Dance witters on about fancying Schofe. Fuck off, Dance, you tedious tosspot. Robin says it was performed with abandon and control. Katarina says that less is more, but with Chico more is even better and is quite flustered, and then giggles.
Chemmy and Sean next. She was last but one on the leaderboard last week, and the public vote kept her in, so she will continue to work hard. This week she has some fast choreography, which is challenging her, and some tricky lifts which Jayne can do and Chemmy can not, so much. Earlier in the series, she tried that platter lift which Katarina did not like, and now she is going to try it again. As such, Chemmy and Sean bicker their way through the week and bitch at each other. It is not nice to watch. Chemmy wonders if Katarina will like it; Katarina is basically, "I don't give a toss - if you do it badly, I'll tell you, if you do it well, I'll be happy."
They're skating to Next to Me. I feel a bit sorry for Chemmy, she's fast on the ice and clearly a powerful, competent skater, but she's about three times the size of any of the other midget girls in this competition and it's obviously had a huge impact on her throughout the series because they're never going to manage a flashy headbanger or anything like that, which I think has hampered her a little. They pull off the lift, anyway, with Sean's arms fully extended, and Chemmy beams adorably. Scores - straight 8.5s for a total of 25.5 - her best by a country mile. She declares herself happy, and apologises to Sean for being crosspatch with him this week. Robin says that this afternoon the transitions were awful, but tonight they have been excellent. Katarina says that she is glad Chemmy played it a little bit safe by moving into the lift from a standing start, but it looked beautiful; however, she gives more emphasis to the rest of the skating skills than that anyway. Dance says it was graceful and stunning. Aw.
Over in Karen's creche, Jorgie says that the girls never have any chance to talk to each other, and Matthew has his fingers crossed that the boys will pull it out of the bag. Karen says that this week Jen has worked on her speed and power, improving her confidence no end. Let's see, shall we? Last week she had her best performance to date, and she says she has a little bit of self-belief now. For the first ten seconds of the routine, she's skating by herself, and has managed to fall over multiple times in rehearsal and given herself bruises on both knees. "At least they match!" replies an unsympathetic Dan.
They are skating to Leona Lewis's Happy, and Jennifer's skating is so much better. Really. She's always been a good dancer with great lines, but she actually looks solid on the ice now. It's lyrical, elegant, with a great partnership. Gubba likens her to a spring daffodil. What? He then suggests a range of Dancing on Ice cocktail dresses. What?? Scores: Dance 9.0, Robin 7.5, Katarina 8.0 for a total of 24.5. Jen bursts into tears. Dan kisses her head. She then descends into ridiculous "a hard journey" territory, and I mentally tune out until she gathers her composure. Dance says that Jen captures people with emotion - cue a camera switch to Karen, who is weeping mascara all over her face. Robin says that the skating is still not as good as the performance, but it's exquisite to watch nonetheless. Katarina says that Jennifer's body language was poetry. I love when Katarina says things that cause a nonplussed silence in the audience.
Matthew and Nina now. They are skating to Olly Murs...ugh. I'm not sure whether this is more offensive than Chico's shirtlessness. It's a tough call. They are choreographing a roll-up lift in which Matthew repeatedly throws Nina on the floor. Thus Karen comes in to get Matthew to skate with a bench instead, which is of course the obvious teaching technique. It seems to work though, so good for everyone, I guess.
Ugh, I really hate this song. I also hate Matthew's grinning and gurning. Still, it could be worse. He could actually be Olly Murs. That would be dreadful. Anyway, no falls, no dropping, lots of Acting Faces. Scores - straight 9.5s for a 28.5. Pfft. Karen didn't cry, so it couldn't have been that good. Matthew says he didn't expect that after a really tough week of learning two routines and everyone stepping their game up. Schofe asks Nina a question in Russian. She replies in Cockney. Oh, the hilarity! Robin says that they are brilliant, and Katarina says he is taking the words out of her mouth. Hang on, what the FUCK is Dance wearing? It looks like a Margaret Thatcher cast-off, complete with a pussy-bow neck. Jayne says Matthew makes everything look so easy.
Right, time for the Team Challenge then. Robin warns the skaters not to be selfish; Katarina wants energy and speed (fnar); Dance says there is always quality in a sextet, and then spits at Christine. He's really boring me now.
Team Jorgie first, in a whirlwind of blonde ringlets. Jorgie wanted the girls because she wanted "girl power"; Chemmy makes "pow pow pow" noises because it is a Battle of the Sexes. Thus, the ladyfolk are COINCIDENTALLY skating to Spice Up Your Life. Clearly Jorgie would have got that track for her team to skate to even if she'd picked men. Honestly. Jen gives Chemmy some dancing coaching...and I've just realised that the way Jorgie stares into the camera really reminds me of Karen in Mean Girls. I wonder if Jorgie has a fifth sense? I love that Jen and Jorgie beam while they're dancing, and Chemmy is trying to put on a sultry face. After the routine, Schofe chooses to talk to Jen and Dan rather than bothering with Jorgie and her nonsense, which I enjoy. Chemmy says that Jorgie made all the decisions and was a great team captain. Whatever, Chemmy! Jayne was impressed with how the girls gelled as a team, and Chris reveals they had to be whipped into shape yesterday, but he thinks they pulled it out of the bag in the end.
And then Team Matthew. He lies that Andy has skills on the ice, and that the judges don't give him enough credit. They're skating to YMCA, which is clearly awesome. Matthew says the boys v girls thing will be in good spirit, but there is still a lot at stake. They all insist how much fun they're having, and Andy tries to do self-deprecation about being the weakest skater of the three, but just comes across as the bitterest man in the living room. He looks oddly at his hands when they are moving, like he needs to watch them in order for them to operate. Most of this routine hinges on the whole Y-M-C-A bit, which is not really that interesting to watch, nor all that innovative. Captain Matthew says his team were amazing and they have had a great week. On ice. Andy says it's been great to skate with the other lads, and Chico says he has enjoyed every second of it.
So which team will emerge victorious and get their votes doubled? Katarina says it was testosterone (or something resembling that word) v sex appeal, and votes for Team Jorgie. Dance says both teams worked as teams, and then witters on about how he likes both songs, and votes for Team Matthew. Robin has the casting vote and says that one team was more cohesive - Team Jorgie.
Thus the ladies get their votes doubled, leaving Andy and Vicky at the bottom of the leaderboard, and Chico and Jodeyne last but one. So who will be saved on the public vote, and who will be left languishing in the bottom two? We will find out after Wild At Heart!
Earlier tonight, there was skating. Now one couple must go. Please let it be Andy and Vicky.
And a recap. Jorgie had fun; Andy was over the moon; Chico incisively points out that it depends on the voting public; Chemmy was overwhelmed; Jennifer is excited about girl power in the Team Challenge; Matthew was gobsmacked. Post-Team Challenge, Jorgie is proud of the girls and thought the boys would win. Excellent captaincy there. [I despair, I really do. - Steve] Chico beams some more about it being down to the public. Jayne says she wouldn't have liked to judge the Team Challenge. Coward.
So the lines are now closed. What is going to happen? Why, we'll talk to the judges for a bit. Dance promises we're not far away from the perfect 10; Katarina says Jen has made the most improvement; Robin says that The People will make their decision.
But what will that decision be?
Let's find out. The safe couples: Matthew and Nina; Jorgie and Matt; Jennifer and Dan; and Chico and Jodeyne. Poor Chemmy. She must have thought she was safe there. Still, it means that Andy is pretty likely to go now. Surely. They skate off, Chemmy is better despite a slip from Sean, and Andy is going. Please.
Katarina says Andy should be proud of his performances, but she is going to save Chemmy so she can see That lift again; Robin says Andy has been great to watch, but he is saving Chemmy; and so is Dance.
GOODBYE, ANDY, FOREVER.
He says he's had an amazing time and everyone is amazing and he gets all choked up. Sigh. Then there's a best bits montage and frankly I can't be bothered to watch.
Still! Next week is Props Week, and Steve will be back to provide a much more thorough recap than I've managed! I'm sorry! See you soon!