Bitching on Ice

Love hurts

2012-02-12T18:17:00.007Z

"Love Week" (*boak*): 12th February 2012

Hello! It's nearly Valentine's Day, and therefore we're going to get all schmoopy ON ICE tonight. We open up with a recap of last week, in which Matthew admits he didn't do his best last week, while Jorgie topped the leaderboard much to her surprise. Sam and Alexandra ended up in the skate-off with Charlene and Matt, and the latter couple went home, regrettably. Tonight! It's all about love. And lifts, and gurning, if the pre-show VT is anything to go by. Jennifer thinks she needs to go for it, while Sam vows to give his best performance ever. Let's see if that works out for them, shall we?

Titles. These really are quite dull.

'You're The First, The Last, My Everything' plays as Phil and Christine arrive, having a little boogie, and actually looking like they're enjoying themselves, for a nice change. That's the power of Barry White, folks. Phil fingers a Cupid statue and welcomes us to the show, as Christine explains that the remaining couples will be performing to some of the greatest love songs ever. Phil tells us that it's 28 years since Jayne and Chris won gold at the Olympics, so there'll be a routine to celebrate that later, but first, let's meet those skating "stars".

First up are Matthew and Nina in black and sequins, followed by Heidi and Andrei-still-not-Sylvain, Chico and Jodeyne, Chemmy and Sean (in gold lamé that does neither of them any favours), Andy and Vicky, Jorgie and Lovely Matt (whose tattoo that so upset me last week by still being present despite his actual costume not needing one has now vanished - so, was it henna or something? I'm SO CONFUSED), Rosemary and Mark, Sam and Alexandra, Sébastien and Brianne, Jenny Elly and Dan, and of course Jayne and Chris. I always feel like introducing Jayne and Chris at the same time as the contestants is a bit of a mistake. One of these days the audience is just going to get confused and try to vote them off.

Christine suggests that it's a good idea to get things underway, and I agree. First up are Matt and Nina, who got great reviews from Dance last week but left Katarina slightly disappointed and Robin somewhere in the middle. Matthew thinks he let himself down a bit and is generally a bit disappointed with himself, so he's determined to live up to Katarina's expectations this week. Chris says that Matthew needs to get all his footwork right this week, and Matthew explains that this week's routine is very dancey and skatey (on this show? Well I never!) and that Jayne and Chris are raising the bar for everyone. Even Nina is pushing him hard to think like a skater, and Matthew vows not to slip backwards.

They're skating to 'Everything' by Mickey Bubbles, and the routine is a bit static to begin with but soon progresses into a rather smooth and enjoyable routine. There's a reverse double stag lift that seems to go slightly wrong as Nina's skirt gets caught in her arm, and then a nice little knee-slide as they spin around together as if proposing to each other. Gubba declares it "very nice" but wonders out loud if they are pushing the boundaries. Scores: Dance 7.0, Robin 7.5, Katarina 7.5 for a total of 22.0. Phil asks if Matthew's happy with those scores this week, and Matthew declares himself "chuffed to bits". He says that Nina knew how upset he was with himself, so she was deliberately tough with him this week. Chris says that Matthew puts the highest expectations on himself, but he delivered a sophisticated routine, and that Matthew is now an ice dancer, judging by that display.

Christine reminds Katarina that she scored Matthew a whole point lower last week, and Katarina tells Matthew he looked like a figure skater today, and that he's back to his comfort zone and his confidence - he looked free and had smooth transitions. Dance says it "flowed lovely" and says that he likes to see beautiful arms, and would've liked a bit more extension at the beginning - he doesn't feel it was as good as last week, though it was still good. Robin understands this, but likes that it was natural movement rather than contrived movement, and was pleased to see him relax and just skate rather than push himself too hard.

Time for some ads. Featuring Disney ON ICE, appropriately enough.

When we return, Christine asks Phil how many Valentine cards he got last year, and he says he got 55 indecent ones from the Loose Women - mainly Denise Welch. Charming. There's a bizarre bit of business about the Cupid statue chasing after Chemmy, and then we go into their VT, as Chemmy reflects on her highest score to date from last week's show. We're reminded that Dance wanted to see a better quality of dance, and Chemmy says that she has her own style of dancing that the world probably doesn't appreciate. She's got 'I'm Into You' by Jennifer Lopez as her song, and is fretting a bit about trying to exude that J-Lo sex appeal. Chris encourages her to try and add some finesse to her dancing, but this proves to be a struggle - so some ladies come in to give Chemmy a crash course in the samba. These ladies must be very cold in their skimpy salsa costumes ON ICE. Chemmy gets the seal of approval from the salsa ladies, and says she's definitely feeling more sexy now. I hope you all were taking notes, people who don't feel sexy. That's how you fix it, apparently.

Chemmy begins with a few ripples and then launches herself at Sean to begin a fairly athletic routine that includes her leaping up onto his shoulder and also doing balancing one foot between his legs while extending the other behind his head - something which I imagine could be very nasty if it went wrong. They end with some upside down aeroplane moves and rolling around on the ice. Filth. Gubba: "She's got so much metal in her body from a ski accident, it's a surprise she hasn't been nicked for scrap." That's lovely, Gubba. Really. Scores: Dance 5.0, Robin 6.5, Katarina 7.0 for a total of 18.5. Chemmy tells Phil this is the sexiest she's been in her whole life, and it's a shame it was with Sean and not with her boyfriend. She adds that the whole routine was leading with her right leg, which she couldn't have done a month ago because of her injury, and thanks Jayne and Chris for helping her rehabilitation. Sean says they've been having a great time, even having a CIDER together this week. You'd never get away with that sort of debauchery on the BBC, would you? Jayne says this was the greatest performance Chemmy's done to date, and Chris says that she even improvised at the end.

Christine asks Dance what gives, and he says that while she is a sexy lady, he feels the dancing could've been sexier, and he felt she was holding back. He wants her to be softer in the movement, and needs to find light and shade. Robin also wants less aggression - he was worried she was going to be all over the place, but she came out and had finessed her routine. He thinks she's going in the right direction. Katarina thinks the elements were very well done, especially the last lift, but that the jump into Sean's arms was a little bit more aggressive, and advises Chemmy to be a bit more gentle if she has a date on Tuesday. Ha! Katarina ownage. Phil tells Chemmy that people using the pointless app scored her a 7, and shills the pointless app a bit more, despite it being pointless.

More ads. Who are these people who apparently got a good deal for their vehicles on webuyanycar.com? They offered me about £3.50 when I tried to get a quote off them.

When we return, Christine's with Karen for a bit of boring filler. Karen says that the pros are supportive and encouraging, and Christine seems not to really care. I can relate. Then she turns to Chico, who admits to feeling a bit tense, but says he's going to try to bring some old school romance "with a bit of Chico sprinkle." Ew. Christine says that she loves a bit of Chico sprinkle. Does Frank know? Matthew tells us again that he was happier with his performance this week. That was useful. Then Christine is forced to deliver an appalling joke that I won't repeat in order to introduce Andy and Vicky.

Chris says he was very impressed with Andy's performance last week. Andy will be skating to 'Let's Get It On' this week, and that he has some tongue-in-cheek choreography, playing a sleazy character. Jayne says that while the routine might be silly, the skating is now and always will be SRS BSNS. Vicky laughs at Andy trying to be a casanova, which he finds rather offputting. She hopes she will be able to keep it together on the night.

They skate on, with him holding a rose (not between his teeth, disappointingly), and he opens by lip-synching to her like this is RuPaul's Drag Race. Which, incidentally, I would far rather be watching right now. They take to the ice confidently and get a lot of whoops and applause from the audience for their trouble. Vicky manages not to laugh. Andy's skating is still a bit laboured, but he's coming along well enough. Gubba likes Andy to Pepe LePew, which I'm sure is yet another glorious boost to Andy's self-esteem. Scores: Dance 5.5, Robin 5.5, Katarina 6.5 for a total of 17.5. It's the same as last week, and Andy says he's happy with that. Phil asks him if he's in touch with his romantic side. "Maybe," says Andy. Chris apologies for being skeezy in the VT, and says that Andy takes all the humorous stuff in good spirit, but his skating is getting better and better. Andy says he feels he's "improving slightly".

Robin says that he is a character, and he is "nice", but he needs to get some power now and take it to the next level, because he's stronger than he thinks. Katarina says that one of the biggest gifts for a man is to make a woman laugh, so Andy should keep that up. She thinks it was a great performance, and really enjoyed it. Dance says that Andy is always funny, but he would've liked more romance and passion. He agrees with Robin that he wants it to be less safe. Dance and Andy sass each other a bit back and forth, and it's surprisingly not-annoying because it's genuinely good-natured on both sides.

Now it's time for Heidi and Andrei, who skated to BLOODY JESSIE J last week and achieved a personal best score. Heidi thinks there are no weak skaters left and everyone's improving, so she needs to up her game. She's got the insipid tea-shilling ballad version of 'Wherever You Will Go' (not that the original is much better, admittedly) and says that she's a total hopeless romantic. Jayne warns that you're very exposed with a slow song because every little position is noticed. She's doing a sit-lift this week and is worried about it because she's so high. She worries when Andrei can't get her up (fnar) and she wobbles. Maybe she's worried that she'll break him like she BROKE SYLVAIN. Karen says that the more Heidi tried the routine and thought about it, the less she could do it. Heidi hopes it will all come together on the night, as it generally does on this show.

The wind machine is on full blast for this routine and as usual, Heidi's being dragged around the rink by Andrei, although she's moving more gracefully in general. You can see the sit-lift tension written all over her face, though. The sit-lift happens, and she's wobbly as hell, but gets a massive cheer for it, anyway. Then, strangely, she falls over on a bit where she didn't even really have to do anything. It's such an odd little fall - just sort of onto one knee and looking all guilty, and then back up again. Scores: Dance 5.0, Robin 4.5, Katarina 4.5 for a total of 14.0. Heidi says she feels really shaken and disappointed because she loves this routine and the song, and she thought this would be her best one. Andrei tells her it's not over yet. Phil apologises to anyone who was lip-reading tonight. Heidi: "I said 'sugar'! I stopped myself halfway through!" Heh. Chris and Jayne blame the fall on the toepicks and say it happens to anyone.

Dance says that he was pleased to see that lift in because it meant she wasn't playing it safe any more - he's disappointed that she fell, but he wants to see more aggression from her. Basically he wants her and Chemmy to try and pick up a bit of each other's strengths. Robin says that there was much more content in this routine, even if it didn't all work, and she shouldn't get despondent. Katarina tells Heidi that she's beautiful and has a great partner, but she doesn't feel the chemistry between them, and she wants more storytelling in the eyes, because she doesn't believe it at the moment. "Well, that's a shame," says Phil. Apparently she got sixes from all the people using the app, as if that matters in any way.

More ads. I'm really rooting for John and Moira in Emmerdale, you guys. I just think they can make it.

When we return, it's time for the Jayne and Chris anniversary performance, which involves giant hankies being suspended from the ceiling while 'With Or Without You' has all the life sucked out of it by Scala and the Kolacny Brothers. The giant hankies start to look super awkward as Jayne supports herself in them while clinging on to Chris, and...yeah. You can kind of tell that it's not a BIG anniversary this year, can't you?

Up next are Jennifer and Daniel, still here even though no one actually seems to want to admit to liking them. Jennifer is worried that she's slipping down the leaderboard, and says that she still can't quite shed the nerves. She says that her best performances are when she's up north training when no one's watching, but when she steps into the studio, she goes to bits. So Dan has a plot up his sleeve: he's going to make her rehearse on a public rink in front of lots of people. I bet all the people who paid to skate are just thrilled about that. Jennifer says that she just needs to get rid of all those nerves, as the poor fee-paying public applaud them from the sides.

They're skating to 'Fever' and this week's performance is very sultry. She does seem to be a little bit more into it, although the sexy faces she insists on making right into the camera are a little bit unnerving. She does an assisted backflip and ends with a kiss spin, apparently. I didn't even notice this until the second watch through, but as soon as they're finished, they get up and Dan puts his hand on Jennifer's head as they skate over to the kiss-and-cry, and he's clearly beckoning Jayne and Chris over frantically. Meanwhile, Gubba perves about how great Jennifer looks in her costume. Strangely, we don't get scores, just a rather sober cut back to Phil, who tells us that Jennifer's head was injured during that last routine. Chris says that Jennifer does a move where she arches back and "she's got such a big arch" (heh) that she hit her own head with the blade. Dan arrives to explain that in the scorpion kick when she was kicking her foot back, she caught herself in the head with her blade. He runs off to check on her again, and Phil asks for the scores. Scores: Dance 7.5, Robin 5.5, Katarina 6.0 for a total of 19.0. It's all very awkward, and Christine doesn't quite know what to do. Robin says that Katarina actually pointed out in rehearsal how careful Jennifer needed to be in that move, and that people forget that your skates make your feet the heaviest part of your body. He says that she was very flexible and a fantastic performer, but very little skating skill being shown.

Adverts. When that guy in the Kinder Bueno advert whines "come on, girls!", does anyone else want to burst into the intro to Madonna's 'Express Yourself', or is it just me?

When we return, Christine is with Karen to find out what's up with Jennifer. Karen says that this just emphasises how dangerous ice skating is and how sharp the blades are, and the adrenaline just went a bit too far tonight. Dan says that Jennifer's backstage getting patched up, and the good news is she's going to be okay. He says he saw some contact, but he thought it was the leather of the skate, but when he put her down after the split he saw the top of her head was just red. Christine is amazed that she carried on, and Dan says she's a trouper because she wanted to finish, and delivered her best routine so far.

Up next are Chico and Jodeyne. Chris congratulates him on a job well done last week, and Chico is pleased that Dance wants to see more from him. This week, Jayne and Chris are determined to push him further by giving him a ballet lift, which is basically like a press in bodybuilding. He's the first celeb to have to do this in this year's competition, and they work through it slowly in rehearsals. Jodeyne says that it's important for him to stay stable, because she's, y'know, being HELD OVER HIS HEAD. Chico hopes that if he gets this right, he'll be up there with Matthew. He doesn't mention Jorgie, though I suppose she's just a wee thing who is lifted rather than lifts.

They're skating to 'L.O.V.E.' and it's smarmy as hell, but pretty well skated. The lift goes off well, and Chico barely bats an eyelid. There seems to be a bit near the end where jodeyne nearly stumbles, but they manage to work it all out and get where they have to be while remaining upright, so well done to both of them. Gubba talks about Chico and Jodeyne's secret code regarding lifts. Scores: Dance 8.5, Robin 7.0, Katarina 7.5 for a total of 23.0 - the highest score of the night and a personal best for Chico. He says he's had sleepless nights about the lift, but when he lifted up Jodeyne above his head, he felt like Bobby Moore in 1966 with her as the World Cup. Another hugely flattering allusion. Phil asks Jayne if big scores depend on big stunts. Jayne's like "duh, yes" but says that all the solo skating that he did was even more impressive.

Dance tells Chico it was the best performance of the night so far, and Chico always acts out the song as well as dancing it. He says that it was a really difficult lift with a lot of strength, but Chico is just effortless to watch. Katarina thought the lift was seamless and subtle, and thought the whole performance engaged with his partner - he's been doing that from the first show on, and getting better. Robin says that they have to remember it's not just about the lifts but the whole performance, and this was spot-on and not the cheesefest it could've been. Right-o.

Next we have Rosemary and Mark. Last week she got a decent score, but divided the judges, with Dance calling her boring. Rosemary says that some of Dance's criticisms were fair, so she wants to work on them. She'll be skating to 'I'll Stand By You', but Chris warns that it will have some attack, despite being a ballad. Mark takes her off to meet some hockey players in an effort to get Rosemary moving more speedily. Rosemary gets all padded up in the hockey gear and looks ridiculous. Then they play hockey, and Rosemary scores and falls over. As you do.

Rosemary starts solo and makes her way over to Mark - still fairly slow, but I guess she's fairly restricted by the tempo of the song. Some of the skating is still a bit aesthetically unappealing, but she does seem to be coming along quite well, even if she ends a fair bit after the music does, which is one of my biggest pet peeves on this show. Gubba reminds us that Rosemary is OLD. Thanks for that, Gubba. Scores: Dance 5.0, Robin 5.0, Katarina 5.5 for a total of 15.5. Rosemary says she's happy with that. Phil asks if the skating training helped, and Rosemary says it did, because it was nice to be able to get on the ice again without all that clobber. Hmm. I'm not sure you'd have got much of a different response if you'd just not bothered to do the hockey stuff, to be honest. Phil tells her that she is the OLDEST contestant to make it this far. Chris says that they wanted her to show more steps and speed this evening, and they think she did.

Robin thinks she's moving in the right direction - though there was more speed and more steps, she's still being led by Mark. He worries that she's going to run the risk of all her routines looking the same because people won't see the "subtle changes". Dance says he wants to see her "let rip", as he said a few weeks ago, and while there was more content this week, he wants more power and pizazz out of her. He trots out the whole "I want to look that good at your age" thing again. Katarina is asked to be brief, again (poor Katarina), and says that Rosemary is crunching up her shoulders, and needs to open up and show us her love for skating. It's funny, just take out the word "skating" and you have something very similar to the words that were spoken shortly before I lost my virginity.

Ads. These Macleans bumpers continue to be annoying.

Phil tells us that Jennifer's still in recovery, but should be out later. Up next are Sam and Alexandra, and Sam recalls his near-miss in last week's skate-off. He tries to resolve that it's a good thing to have been through that. This week he's got a very technical routine, with a counter lift and a lot of steps. Phil says that Sam (and Mark's) BUSY WORK SCHEDULE has taken him to Glasgow, so Alexandra has had to fly up to join him. They start training at 6.10am one day because they're fitting in the training whenever they can. Sam thinks this could potentially be his best routine to date, although to be fair everyone could say that every week and not necessarily be wrong.

They're skating to 'Just The Way You Are' and the routine ends with miming spray painting a heart onto the ice. Why? I dunno. I suspect Dean. The counter lift looks extremely strained with Sam gritting his teeth, though the steps in the middle of the routine are cleanly executed. There's some nice partner work with Alexandra towards the end, and the lift where he kind of flings her across the ice goes well. Definitely one of his stronger performances, I think. Gubba remarks on how Sam is more slimline than when he started, which is good because that powder-blue shirt is unforgiving. Scores: Dance 6.0, Robin 6.5, Katarina 7.0 for a total of 19.5 for a personal best for Sam. Sam calls those scores "ridiculous" and reflects on how far he's come. Alexandra says it was a very technical routine, but also a big performance and Sam delivered on that score too. Jayne says that they put a lot in there because they believed in him, and it looked absolutely solid.

Christine congratulates him and goes to Katarina first this time. Katarina likes the charm of the story, and says it's HARDER FOR A MAN to have to be the leading man, but she thinks he's doing it all very well. She thinks he comes across like a real pair skater now. Dance says that Sam's insecure smile worked well for him, and his arms are beautiful now, so he thinks Sam's definitely going the right way. Robin says it's nice to be relaxed watching him, but warns Sam about the look of tension that crosses his face whenever he has to lift Alexandra up.

Jorgie and Lovely Matt are next. Ooh, Lovely Matt's in blue. That's always been a good colour on him. She couldn't believe her scores from last week, but Chris reminds her that she can't rest on her laurels. She's got some tough choreography this week to 'Fallin'' by Alicia Keys, which Jayne helpfully supplies is "about a love/hate relationship between a couple". Matt tells her that she's "reaching for the love that I can't give you." Hee hee hee. Jorgie says that she thinks about skating too much and forgets about the acting, and Karen chastises her for this in practice, telling her that the judges will be looking for the total performance. However, Karen thinks it could be very special when it all comes together.

They begin on the steps (or rather, Jorgie's on the steps and Matt's on the ice), and go straight into a lift sequence, and it's possibly just the fact that it's really fucking cold in my flat, but I did genuinely get chills watching this performance. It's just so delicate and lyrical and really well-executed. However, whoever edited the track removed the "Oh oh OOOH-AHH-AHHH-AHHHHHHHHH" yelpy bit, which displeases me. Gubba calls her "the star of the show", which is probably a fair assessment but still a bit thoughtless towards everyone else. Scores: Dance 9.0, Robin 8.5, Katarina 8.5 for a total of 26.0. Jorgie is absolutely verklempt and basically splutters into the microphone. Matt speaks on her behalf, saying that she's "an incredible actress" (LOLZ) and he doesn't think she always realises how good an actress she is. Chris says that there was angst and passion in the routine, and she genuinely deserved those marks.

Christine asks Dance about the first nine of the series, and Dance said it brought a tear to his eyes because he genuinely believed the love between the two of them. He says that you don't need experts to tell you that was a beautiful performance, because anyone could've seen the technique and the love. He says he wanted to give her a ten, but he has to hold something back for later. Katarina says that she almost forgets to look at the skating because they draw so much attention in their chemistry, and Jorgie's involved right down to every fingertip. Robin says that when the blades got caught on her first pivot, he thought it could all go wrong, but she just dismissed it and it all just got better.

Last ad break. Vincent and Flavia from Strictly are advertising their stage show, which is all well and good, but where are the ads for Katya and Pasha's tour, eh? That's what I'm interested in.

When we return, it's time for our final couple of the evening, Sébastien and Brianne. They got Dance all excited last week and got themselves a high score. "I always thought I had the potential to match with Jorgie and Matthieu," says Sébastien, adorably. Chris thinks it'll be interesting to see how Sébastien copes with romance week. "By doing a split jump" is the answer, apparently. It's a difficult move that's only been achieved by Devil Goblin Ray Quinn on the show prior to this, but Sébastien is determined to give it a go. It's Robin's signature move, of course, so Robin will be monitoring this very closely.

They're skating to 'My Cherie Amour', with Brianne posing beneath an arch of roses. The arch proves to be a bit of a distraction throughout the routine, to be honest. They do a counter balance lift that looks a bit wobbly. Sébastien does the split jump, which is a little rough around the edges and his left leg doesn't go nearly as high as his right one, but he lands it successfully. It does look a bit out of place in a so-called romantic routine. Gubba starts lusting over Sébastien's muscles. Is there something you'd like to tell us, Gubba? Scores: Dance 7.0, Robin 7.0, Katarina 7.0 for a total of 21.0. Sébastien says that the jump was tricky and he knows he can do better, but he was happy with how it went. Brianne says that he's been kind of injured this week, but he pulled it off tonight and was fantastic. Jayne says it was one of the most difficult manoeuvres of the series, and he really went for it. Chris shows us the little sketches that Sébastien does to help him learn the routine, and they are both impressive and kind of nerdily adorable.

Christine goes to Robin to ask how it went, and Robin says he made it work - he got his legs up and did it from no speed at all, but what was great was the overall quality of his skating across the ice. Katarina disagrees: she thinks his crossovers were a little scratchy, but likes that we saw a different side of him today, a more romantic side. Dance loved the romance and he thought there was a beautiful performance - he thinks it's a real achievement for him.

And that's it! Leaderboard: Jorgie at the top, Chico second, Matthew third, Sébastien fourth, Sam fifth, Jennifer sixth, Chemmy seventh, Andy eighth, Rosemary ninth, and Heidi tenth. No ties this week. Could be interesting. Phil declares the lines now open ON ICE and my boyfriend rushes to vote for Chemmy. Bless. There's a recap of the night's routines, most of which I've kind of already forgotten, but I decide to chuck Chemmy a vote as well just because I enjoy her performances in general, and she's probably the contestant I like the most as a person now Charlene's gone. I'm fairly uncomplicated like that.

Who goes? We'll find out later tonight...

The Skate-Off

Earlier tonight! People scored, judges skated. Wait, scratch that. Reverse it. Thank you. Later, two couples will face the skate-off. But which ones? Titles!

Phil and Christine arrived, desperately hoping that people haven't switched over for the Baftas. (I have to admit, I did. What was going on with Christina Hendricks' hair? I mean, she's a beautiful woman, but that was all wrong. Jon Hamm, on the other hand, looked flawless from head to toe. Mmm, Jon Hamm. Can I just write about him instead? What? I have to finish this? Oh, please yourselves.) Christine reminds us that the lines are open, and encourages us to vote if we haven't done so already, and then invites us to watch a recap, while warning us to have a cushion ready to hide behind while watching Jennifer's performance. Oh, are they going to have a slow-motion injury porn extravaganza? I mean, they did it for Chemmy against her wishes, so it seems only fair.

Matthew got good feedback from the judges, and announces that he enjoyed every second of his performance, having felt much more confident compared to last week. Chemmy was told she could've been sexier by Dance, even though this isn't Sexy Night (don't give them ideas, Steven) and Chemmy says that she gave it all that she could out there. Andy was funny-romantic, much to Katarina's delight, but Robin wanted him to show more power. Andy thinks he has a lot more to give, and hopes people will keep him in. Heidi delivered a wobbly lift and a stumble, but Dance gave her a sympathetic review. Heidi was gutted, but hopes people vote for her. Karen says that it was all due to a confidence problem. Hoo boy, here we go - Jennifer's performance is summarised thusly: *kicks self in head with blade*, *cries on Dan at the kiss-and-cry*. Then they replay the kick in slow-mo. Twice. Stay classy, Dancing On Ice. We see her being tended to by the medical team, and Dan assuring us she's okay. Chico got a personal best score from playing romantic and doing a tough lift. He feels it's an amazing achievement regardless of who he beat. Though I'm guessing he's quite chuffed at being Matthew. Rosemary was still too reliant on her partner, per Robin. She says she can't be disappointed with the scores, because the judges are the experts. Sure, whatever works for you. Sam's cuteness impressed the judges and Dance loved his arms, and Sam thinks it was his best performance overall. Jorgie got the highest score of the series so far, and dazzled Katarina into not looking at the skating at all. Jorgie's speechless, and Lovely Matt calls her "an incredible actress" again. In response, Jorgie gushes that working with someone as great as Lovely Matt certainly helps, and Lovely Matt is all "well, thank you", making the most adorable awkward-bashful face I've ever seen. Oh, Lovely Matt. No matter how bad this show gets, I can always depend on you. Sébastien just about pulled off the Russian split jump, but Robin was more impressed with the overall quality of his skating. Sébastien thinks he could do the jump better, but he must stop being hard on himself. Chris and Jayne think it's the most dramatic show so far, drawing a direct parallel between Jennifer slicing her head open and Sébastien "doing a big jump". Oh dear.

Phil declares the lines closed ON ICE. Christine's with the judges, and asks them if it's anyone's game. Robin thinks it is (I disagree), and says that it's about being able to deliver on the night, and he thinks that, Jorgie aside, "the boys" collectively "kicked butt" tonight. Oh, Robin. Christine picks up the Jorgie baton and asks Dance if he expected to give a score like that so early, and he says that's exactly what it deserved and there was no other score he could've given. Katarina's opinion is not solicited. This makes me sad.

After the ads, Phil's got the results *touches ear*. In no particular order, the couples who are safe are: Jennifer and Daniel, Jorgie and Matt, Matthew and Nina, Sam and Alexandra, Chico and Jodeyne, Sébastien and Brianne, Andy and Vicky and Heidi and Andrei. This leaves Rosemary and Mark facing off against Chemmy and Sean in the skate-off. My instinct is towards Chemmy staying, given the judges' generally cooling attitude towards Rosemary lately, but I suppose it could still go either way, depending on how INSPIRING they find Rosemary's age from one minute to the next.

Christine's in the Survival Tunnel and asks Chemmy how it feels to be here. She says the Olympics is much easier than this, and nearly swears. Christine asks if she's going to try for the softness that the judges are asking for, and Chemmy replies that the song doesn't really lend itself to that, but she can at least try to be sexier. Christine turns to Rosemary, who just says "you might as well give me the flowers now." Heh. Rosemary says that she feels everyone's really raising their game, and she doesn't feel she can do that like the others can, so she's just happy to have got this far. Christine opts to cut this display of fatalism off right there, and sends them out for their reprisal.

Rosemary gives her second performance a good go, but there's no getting away from the fact that she still can't really stand away from Mark too much, and her skating's still a tad on the clunky side. She seems happy enough with her performance, though. They skate over to the kiss-and-cry, and Phil asks Jayne if Rosemary "let it rip". Jayne says she should be proud of herself, and Chris says that Rosemary enjoyed it and lived it. Phil asked Rosemary if she thinks she's done enough. "No," replies Rosemary. Heh. She adds that Chemmy's brilliant, and deserves to stay more than she does.

Let's find out, shall we? Chemmy and Sean head back out and she's clearly trying to be sexier, but I think it's at the expense of a bit of the finesse. I mean, she clearly deserves to stay over Rosemary because she's just that much steadier and better, but it's not as good as her first performance earlier, and she mistimes the start of her aeroplane lift and ends up smashing onto the ice - though Sean manages to quickly whip her back up again. Phil asks how she feels, and she says she feels great and loves Rosemary, so whatever happens, she's made some great friends. Chris and Jayne congratulate Sean on a nice save, and Chemmy babbles that she was trying "not to do a Charlene". Oooooh.

Time for the judges to make their decisions. Robin goes first, and says that he's surprised to see either of them in the skate-off. He thinks both performances were better (really?), but votes to save Chemmy. Dance agrees that they were both better, and also opts to save Chemmy, but would like to say what an inspiration (DRINK!) it's been to work with Rosemary. Katarina says that Rosemary's always had her admiration, but she wants to save Chemmy. So Chemmy's back next week.

Phil admits that Rosemary predicted this outcome, but says how happy they've all been to have her. Rosemary says that Mark is her new BFF, and she wants to thank him for being the best coach in the history of forever. Mark says INSPIRATION a few more times. Phil trumpets on about AGE a bit more. Rosemary thanks Chris and Jayne, and inverts things by saying what an INSPIRATION they are, and adding that people at home probably don't realise how hard they work.

Rosemary's best bits: falling over a lot, being old, feeling young, being INSPIRING, etc. Rosemary and Mark get their flowers and a big round of applause, and then we're down to nine. Christine announces that the remaining contestants are about to learn the big twist in store for next week, and the lights get all moody as Phil reveals that next week sees the return of the Ultimate Skills Test, where they will now be tested on pure skating ability. Oh, but it gets worse: if they end up in the skate-off, they'll have to take to the ice solo and perform a routine consisting of 23 separate skills. I'm thinking Heidi in particular really doesn't want to end up there next week. Chris says it's going to be a real test, and they're really upping the ante, because it's time to sort out the can-dos from the can't-dos. Jayne adds that it's week seven, and if they can't do those skills, they'll be left behind. Oh, and just to make things even tenser: three stars will face the skate-off, and two will be going home. The contestants all look suitably horrified.

That's it for this week! Join Carrie next week, assuming she hasn't given up on the series entirely by then. Fingers crossed...

Ewing some, you lose some

2012-02-06T22:59:00.001Z

Tx: Sunday 5th February 2012

I begin with a confession. Actually, a few confessions. I am not enjoying this series of Dancing on Ice, nor do I care about it. I didn't watch last week's show and don't feel that I've missed out. I can barely remember who the contestants are this year. And yes, yes, there is Andrei, and his very existence on the planet makes me happy, but woman cannot live by Andrei alone. This is an uninspiring series, drawing upon uninspiring gimmicks to try to make it more interesting, and failing utterly.

So to be honest as I begin doing this recap I'm not entirely sure I'll make it through the evening. I may do what I did last week and just have to refer you to Twitter to find out who's been eliminated. It's a much quicker way to get through the show - and when one is dealing with a television programme as a chore to "get through", you know there's a problem.

Oh, and One Direction are on this week.

It doesn't get any better, does it?

Let's get on. The sooner we start, the sooner it's over. We're reminded of last week's Duel (look down the page if you too can't remember what happened last week and need a prompt). This week, our contestants are dancing to some of the best pop songs of all time, which will be butchered by the sound team, and which will have literal choreography as devised by Chris, who will look very proud of himself.

Titles!

What is the point of One Direction? Why haven't they gone back to school yet? Why does their song sound like the start of Summer Nights? [And therefore also quite like the start of 'Wannabe'? - Steve] Is it supposed to? Why are Jayne and Chris debasing themselves like this? I am going to have to not watch this. It's undignified. Back in a moment.

Here are Phil and Christine, who is looking increasingly thin by the week. Eat something, please, Bleakley. I know your fiance likes to eat all the pies, but try to steal one from him. They remind us of the point of this week's theme, and then we're straight into the action - no big skate-on, and no judges' waving. Good good.

Jennifer and Daniel first - she reminds us of all the injury badness, and then says she needs to skate more powerfully and faster, and now she is absolutely loving the competition. Dan confirms that she wants to improve and is now more confident. They're skating to Vogue, which Jen insightfully suggests is one of the most iconic dance routines and songs of all time, and then they go to find a professional Voguer. No, seriously. That's an actual job. There is one. He is it.

Jen looks a bit like a Kewpie doll dressed as Madonna, and the whole routine is weird. The Voguing looks good, but the rest looks slow and clunky, and as if Jen is about to fall over at any minute. Scores - Dance 6.0, Robin 5.5, Katarina 5.5 for a total of 17.0, which is a pretty good score. I clearly know nothing. Jen says that she feels like Jayne when she's in the training rink but then she's rubbish when she gets to the studio. Dan does some cheerleading, and Chris backs him up: "You did some great Voguing!" Dance was impressed with the dancing, and thought it was a lovely performance, pointing out that six "is just above halfway in the marking system". Thanks for that, Dance, that's some great counting. Robin says the detail was brilliant, but the middle pulled back to a standstill. Katarina thought she was faster, but thinks the skating skills are still basic.

SamandMark and Alexandra are next. He was nervous last week but happy to be voted through. This week he hopes to control his nerves. Is he getting the adorable woobie edit? If so, it's not working. They are skating to Wake Me Up Before You Go Go, and so they have a prop bed to work with. He panics about a big lift in which he keeps falling over. Maybe he could try to fall on to the bed? Or at least throw Alexandra on to the bed, if he HAS to fall?

There's some nice work on the blades, and he doesn't drop Alexandra (although he does look constipated as he lifts her), and after that it all looks much more relaxed and happy. Gubba makes a George Michael drug-driving joke, which I cannot help but feel is slightly inappropriate. Scores - Dance 5.0, Robin 5.5 and Katarina 6.0 for a total of 16.5. SamandMark is all sad about his nerves, and then cuddles Alexandra and praises all the women skaters for "putting so much trust in idiots like me". Chris mocks SamandMark's wig. Katarina says that he is like a surprise...egg, maybe? She thought the lift was "safe" and there was speed. Dance says the track was poptastic, but the performance wasn't so much. Robin says it was about the detail, and because he has good basic skills, he needs to work on the finesse.

Charlene and Matthew. She is now referring to herself as "Suzie Skate-off". The bitterest woman on the skating rink...the bitterest woman on the skating rink... She feels betrayed by Robin, who decided to save Corey last week rather than her. Jayne and Chris laugh at how excited Charlene and Matthew are about skating to a Lady Gaga track; they are oddly cute about it, and Matthew moves into Extreme Gay mode as soon as the music hits. She whines some more about the bloody skate-off. Shut up, Tilton.

Another epically ugly wig for Charlene, and some glitter make-up for Matthew, and a routine that shows off Charlene's rather impressive flexibility. Her lines don't look too bad, but again the dance sections and the skating sections do not feel integrated. Scores - Dance 5.0, Robin 4.0 and Katarina 4.5 for a total of 13.5. Phil admires Charlene's suppleness, and then she admits that she is disappointed. To lighten the mood, Matthew squeals some more about being "Gagatastic". Chris assures us that Charlene is getting better, even though her marks do not indicate that. Robin scolds Charlene for not offering anything new technically since week one. Katarina concurs, and says that she was so much looking forward to the "perky personality", but there was less skating. Dance starts wittering on about the Princess of Pop and then takes the Nicky Slater Memorial Ball of FAST OVER THE ICE before putting his foot behind his neck, which Charlene imitates.

Sebastian and Brianne had a good week last week - they were happy to win immunity, and he wants to now be near the top. They hope to do this with this week's fast routine, incorporating free-running-style jumps which Brianne explains are very hard because they do not involve the toes, and Jayne and Chris guarantee us that he will soon be snapping at the heels of Jorgie and Matt.

They're skating to Fire With Fire, and the much-vaunted jumps look a bit weird, but the rest of the routine is really nice - he's certainly trying to lead her now, and they're starting to look less like two individuals on the rink at the same time and more like an actual partnership. Scores - Dance 7.5, Robin 7.0 and Katarina 7.0 for a total of 21.5. Sebastian agrees with Phil that it is easier to cope with routines when you have no fear, but he wanted to do well for Brianne this week because it is her birthday. She "aww"s at him. Dance screeches about personality and being on fire and BEE-YEW-TIFUL armlines. Katarina says she is in love with Sebastian's spirit. Robin says it's great to watch their partnership, and Sebastian's journey is visible to people at home.

Karen is all excited about her charges, as always, over in her playpen; Matt reminds us that he is injured and that is VERY SAD; everyone mocks SamandMark's wig; and Christine reads out ridiculous texts from Z-list celebrities. Chemmy namedrops her pals Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall, who are in the audience, and then Christine is embarrassingly servile and royalist.

Right, on to some Andrei, who is skating with that Sugababe bint. She was relieved to get immunity last week, and this week they're skating to that bloody Jessie J song, and Andrei bobs his head in adorable fashion. Heidi seems to be very nervous if she's not touching Andrei, and Karen wonders if he is just basically a big bear of a Russian comfort blanket for her. Poor Andrei. This show uses him cruelly.

Also, they have awful costumes. Andrei appears to have a rubber top taken directly from the seedier climes of Soho, and Heidi has sparkly underwear. She's right, though - if she's holding Andrei's hand, her skating looks OK; if she's by herself, she looks like Bambi on ice. Scores - Dance 6.0, Robin 5.0, Katarina 5.5 for a total of 16.5, her highest so far. "They're getting higher!" she squeals. "And so are the lifts!" Chris offers his critique on the "acting" part of the routine. Robin says the lifts are great, but she has to allow herself to have confidence in herself. Dance thinks mid-tempo numbers are hard to dance to. Katarina swoons some more about Andrei, and then says Heidi has a lovely smile, but she needs to feel it as well as see it.

Andy and Vicky had a slower number last week, and he was cross because he thought he could have skated it better.This week, though, they've got to skate to 500 Miles by The Proclaimers, which he's extremely excited about. However, we are reminded that he has a real job as well as pissing about on the ice, and go behind the scenes on Coronation Street, where they show off their roll-up lift.

Andy has prop comedy Proclaimer glasses. Of course he does. And then he walks 500 Miles across the rink to Vicky. Oh, Chris and your literal choreography - never change. Lovely roll-up lift, though. Scores - Dance 5.0, Robin 6.0, Katarina 6.5 for a total of 17.5. Much general disbelief ensues. Andy says what a good time he's had skating this week, and Jayne says that he's doing a lot of skating content and is the most improved celebrity from the start until now. Katarina likes the nice chemistry between them; Robin says something about a complete package (Karen is weeping with pride, by the way - make sure you've had a few shots of vodka for that); and Louie admires the technical difficulty of some of the routine.

Phil and Christine mention 1984, Phil invokes the Broom Cupboard, and GORDON THE GOPHER appears. Dancing on Ice being Dancing on Ice, though, this is then ignored and nothing more is said about it. To Chemmy and Sean, then. She gave it her all last week, but it wasn't about beating Corey, it was about confirming that she can be a good skater. There are lots of lifts in this week - their routine is to The Locomotion - and we're reminded of Katarina being EVIL (except she wasn't). Jayne is the only reasonable one involved in this debate, and says that Katarina didn't mean don't do them ever, just don't do them yet if she can't do them.

Chemmy does look weirdly like late 1980s Kylie with her hair in a weird mass of curls and a frilly skirt, and this is a fun, sparkly routine, although her lines sometimes look a bit clunky. Gubba tells us that Chemmy wanted to join the army, but if she did, she might be dead, or something. Scores - Dance 5.5, Robin 7.5, Katarina 7.0 for a total of 20.0. Chemmy reminds us that she JUST WANTS TO BE LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS. Chris admires her renewed confidence; Robin liked the power and the detail in the transitions; Katarina likes that Chemmy takes risks but tells her not to take too many - "I want to see you in 2014 representing your country. Keep AWAY from the danger." Oh Katarina. You're amazing. Dance then starts squealing about Kylie. Shut up, Dance.

Matt and Nina next. He is a ringyringyringer and pretends to be amazed that he beat Jorgie in last week's Duel while reminding us that his back hurts and he hasn't been able to skate very much this week. And then he talks about his back some more. His back, WHICH IS HURTING.

They are skating to The Look of Love (ABC version), there is lifting, there is skating, there is ringing, there are backs WHICH ARE HURTING. And there is some odd camerawork which cuts away from the actual routine a lot, which makes me wonder quite how good this is. Scores - Dance 8.5, Robin 8.0 and Katarina 6.5 for a total of 23.0. Matt says his back is all right and on the mend. Phew. I was worried for a moment. Jayne says that Matt missed some training this week due to an injury. O RLY? Dance says it was consistent, fluid (fnar) and a pleasure to watch, but to his credit highlights Matt's dance training. Katarina says she has to disagree with Dance because her expectations are high and she could tell that he was struggling in place (he nods at this). Robin agrees with Dance and Katarina, because blessed are the peacemakers.

A bit more proud Karen-ness, some stupid Z-list tweets being read out, more inane comments from skaters, and then it is time to brace ourselves and cope with Chico. This week he has an up-tempo dance routine and "crazy lifts", with moonwalks and robotics. Karen is concerned that he will be too disjointed and ruin his performance. Karen, Chico's very existence ruins the performance from the start.

As indeed it proves. Chico and Jodeyne are skating to S Club's Don't Stop Moving, and there is, as promised, robotics; there is forgotten armography (although Chico covers it up well); and Jodeyne looks a bit off-form (perhaps because she is talking him through the routine). Scores - Dance 7.5, Robin 7.0 and Katarina 7.0 for another 21.5. Chris was worried when Chico got ahead of the routine AND THEN CHICO STARTS SHILLING HIS FUCKING TWITTER ACCOUNT. Katarina says there is much to improve but she always loves what she sees; Robin says to restrain himself a bit more and look after Jodeyne (Chico then tries to do some X-Factor-style talking-back-to-the-judges); Dance wants to see Chico do a lot more. I don't.

Chris promises that we'll see something different from Rosemary this week - a fun, flirtatious, tongue-in-cheek routine, which he acts out with Mark, incorporating grape-feeding. I am so puzzled by this and also nauseated by Chris's "flirtatious" face that I miss why Rosemary's vomiting into a bucket at the side of the rink. Maybe Steve can fill us in later. Is it an upside-down lift? [Basically, yes. She's being spun around a lot, and it's making her dizzy and nauseous. - Steve]

Anyway, they're skating to Perfect, and Rosemary's grape-feeding looks more like moving beads along an abacus. Still, the actual routine is good - complete with upside-down lift, with no vomit - and still some nice fluid steps and pretty lines. Scores - Dance 4.5, Robin 5.5 and Katarina 7.0 for a total of 17.0. Katarina beams. Rosemary witters about being disoriented, and Mark says he feels awful for making a 65-year-old lady feel sick all week. Jayne says her skating is really coming along, with the lifts getting bigger and better. Dance doesn't think he's seeing a progression; her routines border on boring. Katarina says Rosemary is charming and elegant, because it's amazing seeing her deal with the challenges and do the tricks.

Guys - I think Katarina is basically marking relatively, but not in an annoying fashion. [Either that, or she's just trolling. Either is fine by me. - Steve]

Back to Robin - he likes the idea of relaxing and not worrying that the contestant is going to fall over because her skating is excellent. Well, that's fair enough.

Jorgie and Matt next. She agrees (the other) Matt deserved immunity against her last week, but this week she is skating to Britney and she loves Britney. Chris has an odd look in his eye when he says that he is sure she will perform to ...Baby One More Time in the manner in which it was intended. Jorgie being Jorgie makes it explicit: "I GET TO DRESS UP AS A SCHOOLGIRL!" The only person who seems interested in the skating is poor Lovely Matt, who informs us seriously how difficult it is to perform tricks.

Jorgie's pigtails are flying everywhere as they do all the lifts in the world. It's all gone a bit Langford. You can imagine bloody Langford revelling in this routine, can't you? I mean, I'm not saying it's a nice image, but you can imagine it. Scores - Dance 8.5, Robin 8.0, Katarina 7.5 for a total 24.0. Jorgie says lots of ridiculous things and pulls faces while Matt does adorable sincerity. Chris says Jorgie has the technical skills, but brings life and character to the routine, which is wonderful to watch. (The camera flits over to The Other Matt who has an amazing fake smile on.) Robin liked that she encapsulated the character throughout the routine. Katarina says it was packed with stuff, and then gives up talking - "mep!" Dance squees about Britney. Of course.

And that is of course the natural place to end tonight's show, which lasted approximately 28 years even though we are now halfway through the competition. The lines are open - who will leave? (I typed "who will live?" then. I don't think they are going to kill the eliminee.) Join us in an hour to find out!

The skate-off

Blah blah blah hang up their skates for good blah blah blah skate-off TITLES!

Oh, fuck, One Direction are still here. I didn't know they had another song. Or is this the same song? Lots of teenage high-pitched voices are singing along as the boys clutch their stomachs and look as though they are in severe intestinal pain. The blond one can't sing, by the way. Just an observation. Come at me, scary fangirls, I'll take you all on! Anyway, not even Chris can be arsed to choreograph a second routine to One Direction, so they just stand on a block while people scream at them.

Phil and Christine remind us that the lines are open and urge us to vote, before throwing to the backstage summary, which informs us of the following: Jennifer wants to get better; SamandMark has been nervous all week about that bloody lift that didn't even go above his head; Matt squees more about Lady Gaga while Charlene says nothing; Sebastian promises us he will go "higher and higher"; Heidi screeches about her scores getting better, and although poor Andrei wants to say something he is not permitted; Andy is pleased that he and Vicky now look like a pair; Chemmy is all excited about having done a lift but doesn't say too much because Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall are clearly much more important and interesting; Matt does not think he deserved his high score from Dance; Chico tells us that he loved his routine, and Jodeyne lies that it was good to see him "unleash his Chico" (ugh); Rosemary says her nerves are getting better; and Jorgie whoops some more due to happiness.

The lines are closed, so it's time to waste a bit more energy on the judges' comments - Dance wants something special and individual, possibly tighter costumes, Robin thinks some male contenders are pushing Jorgie hard (FNAR!) and Katarina wants people to touch her heart.

Shall we see who's safe then? Heidi and Andrei; Jorgie and Matt; Andy and Vicky; Sebastian and Brianne; Matthew and Nina; Jennifer and Daniel; Chico and Jodeyne; Chemmy and Sean; Rosemary and Mark. That leaves SamandMark and Alexandra in the skate-off with Charlene and Matt. Again. SamandMark whines to Christine some more about that SODDING LIFT; Charlene knows what to expect so she feels OK.

So the couples skate off; Charlene and Matt go first. Phil calls her "the queen of the skate-off", and then they are adorably camp together some more. I don't think they really care much about this competition any more, to be fair. They're just happy they got to skate to Gaga. [This is my theory about why the judges kept Charlene last week - because Matt already knew he was due to skate to Gaga this week and they were worried that if he didn't get to do it, he might come after them. - Steve] SamandMark and Alexandra do the world's shittiest dullest lift and then talk about their tough week. Shut UP already.

The judges' decision: Dance loves Charlene but saves Sam; Robin saves Sam; Katarina thought Charlene turned in a more solid performance but she's saving Sam anyway. Phil says, "I can't believe we've lost you!" despite the fact that she has been in the skate-off every week for seven years. Charlene thanks hair, make-up, wardrobe and the cast, beams at her montage, and then says that Jayne and Chris have such humility in the face of their greatness before trying to put Dance in her luggage to take home and be her pet fag-hag. Next week is a Valentine's special, which sounds horrific. Join us then!

Battle Royale with Cheese

2012-01-29T18:48:00.005Z

"The Duel" Week: 29th January 2012

LAST WEEK! People were scared. There was a tie at the top of the leaderboard. Rosemary stumbled again. Chemmy's lift didn't quite come off. Mark went home. Now 12 skaters remain, and it's time to spice up the format. No, it's not the return of the Ice Pick (thankfully), it's the Originally Named Duel! Each couple will compete on the ice against another couple head-to-head, dancing to the same music. The judges will decide which couple wins each duel, and the winners will be immune from the public vote. Everyone's in a fighting mood, of course. Titles? Yeah, titles.

Phil and Christine arrive, and Phil promises us "something very special from Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean". Please don't let it be their holiday snaps. He and Christine then explain the stupid Duel twist that we've already had explained to us in the pre-titles part, other than the new information that the couples were paired up according to their position on the scoreboard last week, meaning that the couples (of couples, bloody hell this is going to get confusing) for this week are:

Matt and Jorgie
Heidi and Charlene
Chico and Sam
Jennifer and Sébastien
Corey and Chemmy
Andy and Rosemary

Shall we meet the couples? Here they are: Jenny Elly and Dan, Sébastien and Brianne, Corey and Brooke, Chemmy and Sean, Andy and Vicky, Rosemary and Mark, Charlene and Matthew (with Charlene looking a lot less like a drag queen this week, which is good news for her but bad news for me, as there's a lot less comedy mileage in her looking fairly normal), Heidi and Andrei, Jorgie and Matt (who are in leathers with fake tattoos, oh dear), Matthew and Nina, Chico and Jodeyne, and Sam and Alexandra. Finally, of course, we have Jayne and Chris, and Jayne is looking very lovely in a red dress tonight. Everybody scooches up a bit for a line-up, and Jayne gives Chris a side-eye. Intriguing.

Everyone disperses, and Phil promises our first duel coming up after the break, while a VT promises more injury porn. Hooray!

Adverts. I still can't believe that the kid from the BT family is getting his own advert spin-off series. Still, anything that moves Kris Marshall out of the picture is a positive, I suppose.

On our return, Christine reminds us all that it is DUEL NIGHT and asks Robin what we're all looking for tonight. Robin says that they'll be sharing the music, which means we get a direct comparison between all of them. Yeah, sure, that sounds like a thing that's going to happen, since I gather they'll be doing different choreography to that music. Dance is asked the same question, and he says he's looking for danger. Katarina says that Jorgie and Matthew are the strongest contestants, so she's very intrigued to see them go head-to-head. She also appears to have borrowed an outfit from Hilary Devey off Dragons' Den.

Our first duel, and the only all-male battle of the night, is Sam versus Chico. Chico says that Sam is a fantastic skater who's getting better and better, while Sam points out that Chico has beaten him score-wise both weeks so far. Chico vows not to underestimate Sam. Jayne says that both celebrities will start the performance together, then one will do a bit on their own, then the other one will take over. That sounds stupid. The judges will be looking for timing, precision, synchronicity and good skating. Chris thinks this is due to be a heck of a duel because they're both exciting people who are also good skaters. Make of that what you will. Alexandra says that Sam's got some crazy footwork to master, and Sam falls over a lot in rehearsals. Chico, meanwhile, is also struggling because he's got so much to learn. In life, generally, I imagine. Jayne says that she can't tell right now who's going to win this one. Which makes it drastically different from most of the others, which are pretty much all foregone conclusions. Sam says that he wants to win. Odd, that.

They skate out in matching outfits - yellow jackets and white tracky bottoms with red stripes down the side - and do a bit of posturing. 'Under Pressure' comes on the soundtrack and they begin with press-ups on the ice, and proceed to be out of sync before Chico scarpers and Sam and Alexandra get their spotlight moment. It's not too bad, but perhaps a little bit overly careful. Nicely controlled, though. There are a few jumps, but they're a bit lame. Then Chico and Jodeyne arrive, and their programme is a lot faster and more showy, as you might expect. Chico is grinning like a maniac, but executing his moves very cleanly and his whole section of the performance just appears to be much better than Sam's. They return to the centre of the ice and both couples do the push-up thing again.

Gubba reviews it all, and points out that Sam did an inside death spiral with Alexandra, while Chico has had to cancel all his bookings - like GOING TO THE DENTIST, lols. There are no scores, so Phil comes straight to Sam, who says they've worked really hard on the footwork this week, and Alexandra says he's a pleasure to skate with. Chico says that he feels like he's going to the Olympics, and he's enjoying every moment of this and feels like "the child of the present moment". Okay, then. Jodeyne says that Alexandra is a great friend of hers, so it's great to share the ice with her, and Chico says you couldn't hope to meet a nicer man than Sam.

Chris says he wants to put moustaches on them both. Keep your sexual fetishes to yourself, Dean. He says that they've worked hard this week and he and Jayne are only going to push them more in the future. Phil tells them that they must head out and face the judges to decide who will win the duel. Dance tells Sam that he's starting to show elegance and grace in his performance, as well as nice lines, but he thinks the connection with his partner is lacking sometimes. He thinks Chico did some lovely turns, but he wants him to watch those connecting steps. He votes to award immunity to Chico and Jodeyne. Robin compliments Sam on his neat footwork, but would've liked more enthusiasm. Chico on the other hand was powerful AND enthusiastic and controlled, so he gets Robin's vote too. So Chico has immunity anyway, but let's go to Katarina because she's awesome. She says that they both gave great performances, and Sam's skating is getting smoother but she wants to see him develop his connection with Alexandra. Chico uses his natural presence, and she was impressed with his axles, and votes for Chico and Jodeyne as well - so Chico gets the immunity, and Sam faces the public vote. Not really a surprise, was it?

Christine asks Sam how it feels, and he says it's been a tough week, but that was a fantastic twist, and he thinks Chico's a great person to be up against because his enthusiasm really spurs you on. I can think of many possible alternative endings to that sentence, with "...to leap off a cliff and never look back" being just one of them.

Up next are Jennifer and Sébastien. Chris does the "choose your weapons!" gag again, and Sébastien picks Brianne. Damn straight - I'd want her on my side in a fight. Sébastien wants to prove to Dance that he is a performer, and says Jennifer is a great skater, and he fears her dance background because he has none. Jennifer says that she needs to give it a bit of welly, because she'd love to have immunity this week. Jayne says that she thinks Sébastien is uncomfortable with the dancing (ON ICE), but she knows he will go away and work on it. Meanwhile, Jennifer is starting to doubt herself, and Dan says that she can totally win the duel if only she'd BELIEVE. They both deliver a bit of fighting talk, and then it's time to deliver on all of that.

They sass each other a bit (Sébastien totally wins the sass fight, if you ask me) and 'Just Can't Get Enough' (by The Black Eyed Peas) plays. Jennifer's section of the routine is quite balletic in the opening and then moves into more of a hip-hop section. Her skating's getting stronger, and there are some good lifts in this that are executed and landed well. Then Sébastien and Brianne start out with a bit of body-popping and some spins and jumps. His skating isn't as good as Jennifer's, but his performance is more flashy and energetic, so this one could go either way, I guess. Personally, I'd vote for Sébastien, but I'm not the one in control here.

Gubba reminds us that they had tied scores last week, and makes a reference to "The Showgirl and the Frenchman." Ah, yes, that famous film. No doubt the behind-the-scenes antics on that one will be the setting for a future Oscar-contender, My Week With Jayne Torvill.

Jennifer tells Phil that it was lovely to go out there without anxiety for the first time, and she thinks she did a really good job. Dan says he thinks it's the first time she really enjoyed the routine. Jennifer adds that she had a really lovely time skating with Sébastien. Sébastien adds that he really enjoyed it, and he thinks people saw that. Jayne points out that they have very different styles, and she wouldn't like to have to choose between them.

Phil sends them off to face the judges. This time, Robin goes first, and he says that Jennifer is glamorous and elegant and always hits her lifts, as well as really improving her skating. Sébastien is fun and exciting, but needs to work on keeping his legs together. Fnar. He votes to award immunity to Sébastien. Katarina thinks Jennifer has beautiful lines and her skating has improved, but she needs more speed in the crossovers. Sébastien is free of spirit and not polished, but she likes that, and the fact that he did a corkscrew. She votes for Sébastien too. Dance says that he would also have voted for the couple who found their personality this week: Sébastien and Brianne.

Jennifer skates her way over to Christine and says that she really enjoyed it, and if she has to do it again in the skate-off, she'd actually quite enjoy that - though she quickly clarifies that she would also like people to vote for her. Christine reminds us that Jayne and Chris will be dancing with Christina Perri, but not before the break.

When we return, Phil reminds us how everything is working tonight, but doesn't manage to make it sound any less stupid. Christine is with Karen, who says that they've all loved the challenge of the duel this week and the competitive spirit is strong amongst this lot. Christine turns to Andy: "Andy, you want it desperately, don't you?" FNAR. Andy says Rosemary's so lovely that he's not actually sure he wants to beat her. Wimp. Christine congratulates Séb on his amazing performance, but doesn't actually give him a chance to say anything in response.

Time for Duel #3: Corey vs Chemmy. Last week, Chemmy's lift went tits-down, and Corey got almost negative points, so it wasn't a good week for either of them. Chemmy admits that she didn't feel like she'd done herself justice. Corey says that having been knocked down, it's hard to come back with a sense of pride. Chris says that Chemmy's a much better skater, and Jayne adds the only reason they're skating together is because Chemmy had a bad week last week. Chemmy says that Corey's a better dancer than her, but I think she's just being polite. During rehearsals, Corey and Brooke bicker a bit, and he tells her she has "negative energy" because she won't let him dance to the music straight away. Brooke's like "bitch, learn your steps first and then maybe we can try it to the music". He calls her "impossible". TEAM BROOKE. Meanwhile, Chemmy and Sean are surrounded by bright sunlight and dancing woodland animals, so great is their bond. Since things are going so smoothly for her, Chemmy pays Corey a visit, and he bitches about Brooke to her. Chemmy's like "...what's the problem exactly?" and says that she wants them to sort out their differences. I quite wish Chemmy had done last series instead of this one - I've got amazing mental images of her trying to mediate between Jason and Karen.

They're all skating to 'Opposites Attract' and Chemmy's dancing at the start is way better than Corey's. Corey's completely out of control and off-balance in places, but has decent speed. His dancing is is very static in the body and kind of...wavy in the arms. Chemmy, meanwhile, is vamping it up and doing some elaborate lifts with Sean to make up for last week's mishap. They're clearly having more fun and working better, including doing quite an impressive spiral together. Her dancing's a bit flaily too, but because her skating is so much better in general, it doesn't matter as much. Also, whoever did the edit job on this song made SUCH a mess of it.

Gubba makes up more shit about a "pantomime gesture sequence" for Corey and mocks him for not quite managing his jump. Phil asks Corey how he feels now, and Corey talks about his strand. He says he feels really good about how it went, and that they've worked through their problems now. Phil asks if they're friends now, and Brooke says "yes", unconvincingly, adding that Corey is a challenge, but one she's not going to give up on. Chemmy says that she wasn't familiar with the song (SACRILEGE!) but now she's living and breathing it. She thinks both she and Corey upped their game out there, which is good for everyone, and Sean drops in the fact that Chemmy skated with two broken fingers. "You don't need fingers for skating," Chemmy shrugs. Chris says that it's a bit of a mismatched couple, but this was Corey's best week on the show, and that Chemmy is back.

Corey and Chemmy make their way back out to the ice. Katarina agrees with Chris that this was his best performance, and that she felt he had his feet grounded on the ice for the first time, although he still has a long way to go. She's happy that Chemmy used her physical strength and energy and did a whole pair spin. Phil harps on at her to give a name, and that's one of the reason why I hate this set-up: it doesn't give the judges enough time to give proper feedback. Anyway, Katarina's going to vote for Chemmy for immunity. Dance tells Corey there were more dance moves in there this week, and it was great to see him out there on his own. I'm surprised he doesn't break into a musical number here. He thinks Corey needs to learn to take direction, while Chemmy is a powerhouse who gave beautiful legs in her lift, but needs to remember to keep it contained from time to time. He votes for Chemmy to have immunity. Robin lapses into his bad habit of trying to use lyrics from the song to give his feedback, but votes for Chemmy because she's sassy. Corey skates over to Christine, and says that it's very good for his morale to have had good feedback, and he's interested to see where this goes now, because he finally feels like he's in the game. (Spoiler: he isn't.) Brooke says tonight was his best performance, and so much fun to do.

More adverts. I've yet to see any of those "Philadelphia recipes" ads where the finished product looks even remotely appealing.

We return to some painfully scripted banter between Phil and Christine. Their chemistry...needs work. Before we get back to the business of duelling, we have a performance from Christina Perri, who is still flogging the life out of 'Jar Of Hearts'/'Giraffe Farts'/whatever you want to call it. Jayne and Chris give us a little showcase performance, but I think I'd prefer it if they had to face the judges afterwards, and one of them would be safe and the other had to face the public vote. I think we all know Jayne would win if this was a real duel, of course. Meanwhile, Christina Perri honks away, fairly tunelessly, and getting all out of time with her piano playing. I hope for her sake she's got some more tunes tucked away somewhere, because even she seems quite bored of this one now.

Time for a girl-on-girl duel: Heidi vs Charlene. Charlene says it's the Bond Girl against the Marilyn. Jayne says that they've only been separated by half a point each week, though the first week Charlene was ahead and the second week it was Heidi. They have the skate-off as common ground, so obviously immunity is a big sell for both of them. Charlene's got to do some actual skating this week, and says that she can't depend on (air quotes) "acting" this routine for a week. She thinks Heidi's a lovely skater, but Heidi admits to struggling with her final lift and says she's running out of non-bruised places on her body. Charlene vows to fight all the way for that precious immunity.

They do a bit of pat-a-cake to start with (really? That's your pre-fight sass? RUBBISH.) and then 'Islands In The Stream' kicks in. The opening's quite fun, with them doing circuits around each other's partners. It's all quite line-dancey, and Charlene is vamping it up as she is given to do. Charlene is indeed actually doing some skating, including a spiral and some nice dainty steps. She concludes with an aerial cartwheel that knocks her hair all out of place. Heidi takes her turn, and is SLOW OVER THE ICE, with a programme full of lifts. Her skating is still a little unsteady in places, but she's definitely got the hang of balancing her lifts properly. I can't call this one - Heidi will probably take it, but they've both got their plus points and their downsides.

Gubba acknowledges that whoever doesn't win immunity is probably in the skate-off, and tells us that Heidi's 81-year-old nan is in the audience tonight, having come to London for the very first time. Heidi says she really enjoyed it tonight, adding "there was a few..." before thinking better of it, and just going back to how much she enjoyed it. Phil says they were really supporting each other as a team, and Charlene says that it was a thrill to get to know Heidi and Andrei. She thinks that trying to learn the choreography and the skating was hard for an old gal, and says that she hasn't done a cartwheel since she was nine, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth. I'm not being mean, she actually said that. Jayne says that Charlene is a natural performance, and her skating came on this week, while Heidi did have a few wobbles, but she's really coming on as well and her lifts were impressive.

Time to get the judges' verdict. Robin says it's a difficult one, and that Heidi really pushed herself, while Charlene really ingratiates herself with the audience, but he would like to see her push herself as hard as Matthew pushes her. He awards immunity to Heidi. Dance says that Charlene was a bit safe, but gave a good performance. He thinks Heidi really pushed herself and made a breakthrough this week, so he's giving her immunity as well. Katarina says that Charlene's side-by-side spiral was great, while Heidi looks more comfortable and is gaining confidence, but she wants her to perform more. She would've also voted for Heidi, so it's another clean sweep. I suspect they're all going to be clean sweeps tonight, apart from Jorgie vs Matthew.

Charlene skates over to Christine, and says that she thinks Heidi's definitely got the edge on her ability-wise. She begs people to vote for her, saying that she'll come and wash our dishes if we vote for her. I'm actually having trouble washing dishes right now because I sliced my thumb open last week and I'm not supposed to get the wound wet, so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted by this.

Ads. If someone came up to me in the street and implied that my toothpaste wasn't working, I think I might punch them.

We're back, and it's time for Jorgie vs Matthew. Matthew reminds us again that they drew at the top of the leaderboard last week, so he feels he's up against the strongest skater in the competition. He doesn't actually SAY "other than me", but one gets the feeling it's implied. He calls her "faultless" and "a beautiful skater" and says that worries him. Jorgie says that going head-to-head with Matthew is nerve-wracking because he's confident and he has a dancing background. Jorgie says that if she doesn't win the duel, the lack of leaderboard means she's going to need people to vote for her. Yes, dear, that's how it works. Chris says that they've both got difficult lifts to conquer this week - Jorgie's worried about actually taking off during her tabletop lift, because she's not very bright. Meanwhile, Matthew's got a serious case of the OOH ME BACKs, and things cause problems during the dress rehearsal when he has a bit of a wobble and drops Nina. He frets about the possibility of things going wrong on the night, but let's face it, they probably won't.

They're skating to '4 Minutes'. Matthew goes first, and the choreography isn't doing him a lot of favours here, because he looks like a lumbering zombie and I don't think it's his fault. That said, there is a nifty move where he and Nina slide down onto the floor while they're moving and leap back up again. He manages not to drop Nina in the lift he was worried about. They finish with an elaborate lift, before Jorgie and Matt take over, and do some more elaborate lifts. I quite love the looks of shade Lovely Matt is throwing Matthew and Nina as they finish their routine - he's quite the sassmeister. Jorgie's skating's really come on as well - I think our initial worries that she might be a bit of Langford might be unfounded. The tabletop lift comes off without Jorgie launching into space.

Gubba says that life is imitating art for both of them, because they're both romancing their on-screen partners. In the soaps, that is, not on this show. Lolz, indeed. Phil tells Jorgie that people are tweeting about her black PVC outfit. Lovely Matt says she did brilliantly, and both she and Matthew have worked really hard this week. Matthew says his back is really sore, and he's going back into physio straight after this. Chris says it's impossible to separate them, and says that they both always deliver on the choreography front. He begs for them both to have immunity. Where would the fun be in that?

Dance says it's incredibly difficult to judge because they were both phenomenal. He loves the way Jorgie moves, but people don't realise HOW HARD IT IS FOR A MAN BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO LIFT. He votes for connection, and votes to give immunity to Matthew. Katarina says they both managed incredibly complex choreography, and she loves seeing Jorgie being sexy. She votes to give immunity to Jorgie. So it's down to Robin, who says that Matthew skates like a skater and lifts his partner like a pro, but asks him to be careful when he's lifting not to bob his head around. He tells him to keep his legs together. He calls Jorgie "a rough and ready little girl" and calls her sassy again, and awards immunity to Matthew and Nina. Not an entirely popular decision - there appear to be a few boos in the auditorium amongst the cheers.

Jorgie tells Christine that she's "a little dizzy". AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH. Christina tells Jorgie that the people judging along at home on the Dancing On Ice app voted for her to have immunity tonight. I bet that makes her feel so much better, knowing she's got the support of six whole people.

Final ad break. It's baby and toddler time at Morrison's, apparently. I'm more of a peanut butter jelly time person, myself. Also, seriously, does anyone understand those bloody Macleans bumpers? Because I haven't got a clue.

Time for our final duel: Andy vs Rosemary. Rosemary's worried because Andy's skating has improved a lot, and she hasn't delivered a performance without a stumble yet. Jayne points out that Rosemary's always fine in rehearsals, so perhaps this is a nerves issue. Andy, meanwhile, is struggling with his lunges. Jayne says that it's going to come down to who gives the best performance, and Chris blahs on about the direct comparison allowing the judges to see who the better skater is. Yes, because how else would they be able to tell? It's not like they're professional dancers and skaters or anything.

They're skating to 'Baby It's Cold Outside' (which leaves me obliged to link to this), and Andy goes first, with his right lunges looking a lot better than they did in rehearsals. He's still a bit wobbly sometimes, but he's definitely come on a lot since week one. He assist Vicky in a cartwheel lift, but it's a bit ugly going up, largely due to his unsteadiness. Rosemary is looking pretty good, too - going quite fast and having some nice lines in her choreography. She looks rather nervous going into the last lift, and after an almost mistake-free programme, stumbles slightly in her dismount.

Gubba says that neither has yet delivered a fault-free programme, but they'll both be pleased with that one. Seems like a fair enough assessment. Phil says that it is indeed COLD OUTSIDE, but it's warm in here. Phil says that he didn't think Rosemary stumbled this week, as a giant elephant wanders onto the ice, only to be ignored by everyone. Rosemary says she doesn't want to beat Andy because he's so lovely. Mark says that this duel is an excellent distraction for Rosemary, and he thinks they should do it every week. Andy says that he's skated this a lot better, and he's not sure why it didn't work tonight, but he did his best. Vicky says he pulled it together and worked hard. Andy makes a comment about "trumping" on his cartwheel and Phil makes a crude comment before apologising for lowering the tone, though after last week I hardly feel that's necessary. Jayne says that Andy's skating is still improving, and Rosemary looked like she really enjoyed things tonight.

Time for the judges to vote: Katarina thinks Andy gave beautiful ballroom dancing tonight and they worked well as a couple. She thinks Rosemary's storytelling was great. She was pleased to see her nerves not give out. She awards immunity to Rosemary. Dance applauds Rosemary for not stumbling, as the elephant blows its trumpet. He feels Andy (whom he calls Mark) really pushed himself, and says he's going to save the person who challenged herself more, and thus saves...Andy. Wow, that was confusing. A split decision, that I was not expecting. Robin tells Andy that his tension showed, but he was really skating. Robin tells Rosemary that she was elegant, and votes to save Rosemary.

Andy skates over to Christine and says again that he doesn't know why it didn't come together, but says that he's not bothered because he'd have felt gutted for Rosemary if things had gone the other way. Christine reminds us of the importance of voting.

So the immune couples are Chico and Jodeyne, Sébastien and Brianne, Chemmy and Sean, Heidi and Andrei, Matthew and Nina and Rosemary and Mark. The other six couples will face the public vote, and the lines are now OPEN. Time for a recap of the performances, focusing of course on the people who aren't safe and ignoring those who are.

So that's it! Who'll face the skate-off? I dunno, I'm off to make some enchiladas. See you in the second half!

The Skate-Off

Earlier tonight: the stupid duel. Six couples lost in a head-to-head and were left to face the public vote, and now two of them will have to go head-to-head again before one couple gets kicked off. This makes my brain hurty. TITLES!

Phil and Christine return, and remind us that the lines are still open, should we feel sufficiently motivated to vote for anyone. After a quick recap of the numbers, we get a less-quick recap of the performances. Sam thinks that Chico did deserve his clean sweep with the judges tonight, but hopes that with Mark already ousted from the competition, he can stick around a bit longer to keep the Sam and Mark flag flying. Jennifer says that the thought of going is heartbreaking, because this was her first "clean" skate, free of injuries and nerves, and she wants to be able to do some more. Corey says once again that getting positive feedback was nice, even if he didn't get saved. Chemmy tells him that she'll vote for him. Aw. Charlene says that she was in the skate-off last week, and really doesn't want to be there again because she wants to stick around and get better. Jorgie begs the public to back her and keep her in. Phil thinks that they've had finals as good as Jorgie vs Matthew was tonight. And indeed in the case of Ray vs Donal, they've had finals significantly worse. Andy says he gave it 100% and the judges obviously felt Rosemary was better, so he just hopes people vote. Jayne opines that the competition really spurred everyone on, and Chris says that the standard was more like show nine or ten than show four. So, y'know, up there with the real greats, like Coleen Nolan.

Phil declares the lines officially CLOSED. Christine's with the judges and asks Robin if people lived up to his expectations. He says they did, and while there was friendly rivalry backstage, they all delivered on their own performances and did a fantastic job. Christine asks Katarina which was the toughest duel to call, and Katarina says it was Rosemary and Andy, because they both had an elegant routine, and sometimes you just have to let your heart decide, because she loved Rosemary's desire to skate. Katarina asks Dance who stood out, and he says there's more than one person out of those in danger, and they are Jorgie, Jennifer and Sam.

Everyone's lined up on the ice, and Phil is rinkside, but we won't find out who's in the skate-off until after the break. Crivens!

Ad break. HSBC want to get my new year off to a good start, apparently by encouraging me to borrow money that I don't need in a time of generally dire financial straits for everyone. Thanks, HSBC!

We're back, and *touches ear* it's time to find out which of the non-safe couples are safe after all. In no particular order, those definitely returning next week are: Jorgie and Matt, Sam and Alexandra, Jennifer and Dan (Jennifer leaps about and can't get herself off that ice fast enough) and Andy and Vicky. So it's Charlene vs Corey in the skate-off, perhaps unsurprisingly as they've both been there before.

Christine's with the couples in danger, and asks Charlene what else she can give. Charlene says she's going to go out there and kick some ice. Matt says that they've had so much fun and it's been great working with everyone. "You're saying goodbye already!" Charlene scolds. Corey says they're going to have a good time because that's all he can do, and he's had a good time, so if he has to go home, at least it's been a fun trip and he really loves London.

Corey and Brooke go out first, and he seems to almost knock her over as they swap sides. Whoops. The skate-off itself goes reasonably well - once again Brooke's completely out-performing him, which is maybe something she needs to look at if they survive because it might be in her best interests to stop making him look bad. I mean, he makes himself look bad, but if she dialled back slightly on the performatron, it might help.

Corey says it went well, and Brooke congratulates him on the best skating he's even done - she says if that's the way he goes, then what a way to go! Jayne says it was a great skate and they both looked like they enjoyed it, and Chris congratulates him on making the jump without stumbling at long last.

Then it's time for Charlene and Matthew to return. She blows him a little kiss, which is sweet. She's really going for it, which is nice, but I expect it's because she thinks she's going home. She needs not to grit her teeth quite so much, and to stablise her dismounts from the lifts, but it's a good performance, and she really has come along. She cracks up at the end of the aerial cartwheel and just does a sort of "ta-da!" gesture at the end of it.

Phil asks her if she just "kicked some ice", and Charlene cackles that she kicked some ice all over the place. She concedes that it wasn't her best, and Matthew says that she had a lot more energy out there tonight, and he just has fun skating with her, and then his voice goes really high and Phil makes fun of him. Chris points out that Charlene was improvising out there tonight, but does not specify whether this was in fact a good thing or not.

It's decision time, but who will the judges save? I think probably Corey, to be honest. Katarina's up first, and tells Corey it was his best performance, and then tells Matthew that it won't be goodbye just yet because she wants to see Charlene kick ice again next week. Robin congratulates Corey on being controlled and together, saying that Charlene wasn't quite as together as she was earlier, so he votes to save Corey. It's all down to Dance, and he says that while Corey gave his best performance and had a lot of fun, he has to save his blonde bombshell Charlene - so Charlene skates next week.

We review Corey's best bits, a lot of which seem to revolve around him being entirely unprepared for the competition. He says that he'll walk away with the knowledge that this has been a great experience and he's done things that many people never will. Back in the studio, he thanks everyone for the experience and says any excuse to have a vacation in London is good. I think treating it as a vacation might have been part of the problem, dude. They're handed their flowers, and Phil says how sorry we will be to lose Brooke. I kind of will be - she's my favourite of the new pros this year. Still, Brooke looks kind of relieved to be done with all of this.

Next week is pop week, and One Direction will be here. Lucky Carrie, eh? She gets to recap that one. See you next week!

Everybody leaves somebody

2012-01-22T22:49:00.002Z

Movie Week
Tx: 22nd January 2012

Good evening, everybody! Last week, we concluded that Jorgie and Matthew are this year's ringy-ringy-ringers, we learnt that Laila did not give a tiny rat's ass about the competition, and thus were quite pleased when she left. We learnt that the show does not object to the commodification of women because they happily welcomed and revelled in the presence of a warrenful of Playboy bunnies. And we also gained further proof that Katarina Witt is amazing, as if we needed it.

The Macleans bumpers are being weird now. Not as annoying as the Girl With The Perfect Smile And Fake Boyfriend, but pretty weird. It looks like they're doing some kind of Military Wives-esque choir with ordinary folk who brush their teeth. This is not something I wish to see on my television. I have a phobia of people brushing their teeth in front of me, it makes me vomit. If this persists, I will be writing a strongly worded letter.

Ooh, you guys! Welcome to Dancing on Ice: The Movie, which is cruelly and inappropriately using the epic score from Back to the Future! All the contestants are dressed up, possibly as famous actors, but I have no idea who they're supposed to be! They wander down a red carpet and give the usual anodyne quotes, just like real Hollywood stars! [All we're missing is Kim Taylor Bennett trying not to look embarrassed about playing second fiddle to a couple of anthropomorphic M&Ms. - Steve]So what are we to expect tonight?

Jayne is excited to see Jorgie and Matt compete against each other, but wonders (warns?) that Chico might jump ahead of both of them. Chris tells us that the competition starts THIS week, so the past two weeks were a pointless waste of time.

Cue the titles!

Lights, camera, action, and we're live at the rink. Christine is in a gold dress, presumably in an effort to look like an Oscar. Phil tells us that everybody is hoping for an Academy-Award-winning performance tonight, and introduces our contestants: Andy W and Vicky; Jorgie and Matt; Chico and Jodeyne; Jenny Elly and Dan; Rosemary and Mark; Chemmy and Sean; Sam and Alexandra; Mark and Frankie; Heidi and my Andrei (in a tux!); Corey and Brooke; Sebastien and Brianne; Charlene (who is presumably supposed to look like Marilyn Monroe, but looks more like Michelle Dotrice) [I was thinking more Delta Work - Steve and Matthew; Matthew and Nina, and obviously, at the top of the bill, Jayne and Chris.

Fuck me, that's 13 couples. I was excited when the show started at 6.10 tonight as I thought it'd finish by 8.10, but no, it's an 8.30 finish as usual. UGH.

Phil and Christine then tell us we can go to the official Dancing on Ice website and play a fabulous new game and pretend to be one of the judges. Two seconds later, the entire website crashed as the whole viewing population rushed there in order to pretend to be Katarina Witt for the rest of the night.

Chico and Jodeyne are up first. She still has a look of utter terror in her eyes. Her lovely smile does a good job of disguising it, but we all know the truth. Chico tells us that last week was beyond his wildest dreams, and he hopes he surprised people in a good way, because he wants to show us that there is more to him than just Chico Time. Dude, if that is the case, please stop fucking saying it then. This week, they are skating to You've Lost That Loving Feeling, from Top Gun, and Chico must be romantic rather than cheeky.

Instead, he opts for whatthefuckworthy, marching on to the ice in military style, miming the first line of the song into a military microphone, and then beginning the routine with military Barbie Jodeyne. Gubba reminds us that Chico used to be a goatherd in Morocco. Scores - Dance 6.5, Robin 5.5 and Katarina 6.0 for a total of 18.0. Chico clasps his hands together in an earnestly thankful way, and then he starts FUCKING TALKING AND DOES NOT SHUT UP FOR ABOUT THREE SOLID HOURS. When Jodeyne gets a word in, she says the usual thing about Chico working really hard and being proud. Chris says they were trying to make Chico into a classic pairs skater. Katarina says they cover the ice very well, and she likes the simplicity of the choreography as well as the control of the skating and partnership. Dance is hyperventilating and talking about his own loving feeling. Nobody needs to know about this, Dance, shush. He adds that he thought Chico captured the moment and then shouts, "Chicatito, there's NOTHING WRONG!" Robin then veers into utter madness and says Chico does not have an arrogant bone in his body. What the fuck ever, Robin.

Next we have Rosemary and Mark. She says last week was scary and she was disappointed when she stumbled. Jayne thought the rest went very well apart from that. They've got Wind Beneath My Wings from Beaches to skate to, and she's very pleased because her routine is "exquisite". Ah, but then we get plinky plaintive piano music, and we all know what that means - she's struggled this week, and is very worried about having to "skate to survive". Come on, Rosemary. Get a fucking grip. You're supposed to be an inspiration to older women everywhere, not a pathetic woobie old lady.

The routine itself is packed with glitches and stumbles - she seems to be catching her blades all over the place right from the start - and that seems to throw her as her speed noticeably slows. Scores - Dance 3.0, Robin 3.5 and Katarina 4.0 for a total of 10.5. Rosemary jokes about adding extra dancey steps, and Mark jokes about grabbing a lady in places he's never grabbed them before. She talks about how stressed she is, and normally she doesn't stress about anything, then thanks Mark for being so patient. Bless. Jayne says Rosemary did everything they asked. They asked her to fall over? Robin says Rosemary has to allow her talent to emerge because she has perfect lines and perfect glide. Katarina says Rosemary is her hero for taking on those challenges, but she has to let go of her fear and use it to become more forceful. Dance says that Rosemary has natural poise and he wants to see more of it as well as breadth through her movement.

Incidentally, in the middle of all this, there is a terrifying and unnecessary close-up of David Seaman's face. Maybe he's there so he can point out to them the next time they try to erase him from Dancing on Ice history. Or maybe this is the start of SEAMAN-CAM [*childish snigger* - Steve], a similar innovation to LEN'S LENS. Regardless, I do not like it. We need warnings of this kind of thing.

Next Sam and Alexandra. I genuinely don't know which is Sam and which is Mark from week to week, and I only know they exist because of this show. They are skating to Kung Fu Fighting. Really, show? There are lots of air-punches in rehearsal and a fucking scary back flip for Alexandra, which Sam is panicking about. Because of course it's all about him.

Sweet mother of God, they have props, and Sam is karate-chopping through planks of wood before moving into a routine full of ethnic stereotypes. It all feels ever so slightly racist, particularly as Alexandra is one of the most Nordic-looking people on the face of the planet. Anyway, she doesn't die during the back flip, meaning that Sam throws himself to the ground with glee. Scores - Dance 4.5, Robin 5.0, and Katarina 6.5 for a total of 16.0. Sam reminds us that he was really worried about the back flip, and Alexandra admits that it has not been going well all week. Sam looks a bit narked by the comment, even though he has been whining like a bitch for the past seven days. Katarina talks about "the whole ice going backwards" and says that Sam is not a dangerous kung fu fighter but a cuddly panda. HA! Robin starts talking about technique, to which Sam is nodding but clearly has no idea what he means. Dance reminds us that he is looking at the way the choreography is executed, and then starts shouting about sloppy arms.

Karen is beaming and looking beautiful in lots of bling, telling Christine how proud she is of everyone. Jorgie talks absolute babble, Matt wails about setting himself a high standard. RING RING RING. Christine bizarrely then tells Rosemary that Dr Hilary has tweeted about how beautiful she looks.

Right. Chemmy and Sean. Chris says that she is exuberant but needs to pay more attention to the detail. Cue footage of her falling backwards a lot and telling Sean, "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," before weeping about her pride being hurt. They are skating to Rescue Me. From Sister Act. With habits. Oh what the very fuck. And then Sean takes Chemmy's clothes off her. This show is so inappropriate tonight. I don't want to watch a nun's clothes being stolen. The big lift at the end goes very wrong - poor Chemmy. Gubba then tells us that Chemmy wears a hearing aid, but you wouldn't know. If we wouldn't know, and we don't need to know, why are you telling us this? [Also, he called it a "deaf aid", which: no. - Steve] Scores - Dance 3.0, Robin 3.0 and Katarina 4.5 for a total of 10.5. Ouch.

Chemmy says it was a 50/50 challenge whether she would get it up, and Phil pounces on the double entendre, asking Sean whose fault it was that they couldn't get it up. Sean, bless him, either doesn't get it or opts to ignore it, telling us that it's teamwork. Jayne smiles about Chemmy trying really hard. Dance commends Chemmy for trying the lift, and says he was looking forward to seeing her do a slower routine with light and shade, but she was weak in her centre. He urges her to come back fighting. Katarina begs her not to do the big lifts because she is a tall woman and it scares her. Chemmy tries to interrupt and says that she wants to challenge herself. Katarina rightly says to leave it for a few more weeks. Robin points out that Chemmy can skate and doesn't need the trickery; Phil interjects that it went well in rehearsal. Whatever, Phil.

Corey and Brooke now. And guess what he's skating to. Stand By Me. He talks about his friend River Phoenix WHO IS DEAD, and asks if he can add his own dance moves in, because he used to be friends with Michael Jackson, WHO IS ALSO DEAD. That's some good reality TV troping right there, Feldman, invoking two dead friends in the space of two minutes. Jayne, with the power of understatement, says they don't normally choreograph moonwalks into routines.

Corey begins with an off-ice Temptations-esque routine and then head-pops his way on to the rink, getting in a tangle with a lunge, and then throwing his sunglasses on to the floor. Brooke smiles elegantly. Scores - Dance 2.5, Robin 2.5, Katarina 3.0 for a total of 8.0. Corey looks genuinely gobsmacked. Phil adds a purple strand to the front of his hair and Corey does not seem to realise he is being teased, and then starts to talk about River some more, wondering if the mistake on the lunge was what lost him the marks. Robin says that it feels as if Corey is walking on the ice, and wants to see more "blade action". Dance enjoyed the choreography off the ice, and his performance faces, but feels that Corey doesn't really do much else. Katarina eulogises about the "canvas made of ice" and says he will need the fans to stand by him. Corey folds his arms and looks thoroughly pissed off.

Jenny Elly and Dan next. Last week, she was terrified about being in the middle of the leaderboard, and also because the judges were judging her, apparently ("literally everything is under scrutiny!" she frets. She should've done the show when Bunton was a judge. She didn't notice anything). This week she has hurt her ribs and she had to go and get physio in the middle of the dress rehearsal. As such, they are now having to change the choreography so Dan isn't holding her anywhere near her ribs.

They are skating to Listen from (the movie) Dreamgirls (but not the stage show). Presumably Dan here is cast in the role of cruel manipulative husband, while Jen is poor sweet innocent Deena. Jen does have lovely foot positioning, which I suppose is the ballet training. I'm trying to look at Jen's face as she's skating, but the camera is cutting away - the fact that she's crying when they finish is probably indicative of the fact that she is in a fair amount of pain. Scores - Dance 6.5, Robin 5.0, Katarina 6.5 for a score of 18.0. Jen thanks Dan, and sobs a bit. Dan says they had the aim of beating last week's score, which they managed, and Jayne says rib injuries make it hard to breathe let alone skate. Chris says, "More pain, more gain." Dance talks about fingertips, Robin talks about ankles and being on top of Dan, and then collapses into giggles. Katarina says that the pained face worked for the routine. HA!

Now Mark and Frankie, who seems to be wearing the same purple-tinted sunglasses that Corey had earlier. He says he needs to start stepping up to the mark. Was that a pun? They're skating to Everybody Needs Somebody from The Blues Brothers, and Frankie believes this plays to Mark's comedy strengths. She then makes a pun about a "marked improvement".

For someone who initially purported to be a singer, Mark is a really bad dancer, struggling to get his arms moving in time. Weirdly, he's better when they're on the ice, particularly when he's facing Frankie and can copy her. Scores - Dance 3.5, Robin 3.0, Katarina 4.0 for a total of 10.5. They squeal about reaching double figures and Mark points out that you have to get better in a competition. Phil tells us that Frankie told Mark to "stay with her" before they went out on to the rink, and Frankie says he managed that and awards him a gold star. Chris is then a bitch as always and says that Mark is rubbish at skating. Katarina says that of course everyone loves Mark but asks him why he has skates on if he is not going to skate. Oh, Katarina. You are so amazing at everything. Robin says it was fun to watch. Dance likes Mark and his energy, although it was a bit ploddy, and mentions that he wanted to throw him a fish because his mouth was open (like a seal at feeding time, one presumes).

Christine talks to Sam about "your magnificent back flip". He didn't DO a back flip. Alexandra did it. He just stood there. Christine lies to Chemmy that she is currently trending on Twitter, and then she cries about it all going wrong some more. Karen says the judges aren't being particularly tough, but they are providing comments they can work with, and there have been lots of risks taken this week. THEN FUCKING CHICO INTERRUPTS AGAIN to tell us how wonderful Karen is, and to kiss her, and generally hog more screen time. But he's not arrogant. Oh no.

Jorgie and Matt now. She narrates the past two weeks in the style of a rather confused toddler, which I'd like to think is an acting choice, but which I actually believe might be her natural demeanour. They're skating to Dolly Parton's 9 To 5, which incorporates a sitting lift, about which Jorgie screeches a lot in rehearsal, partly because she's up very high in the air, and partly because it hurts her buttocks. Which is fair enough really.

Obviously they skate it beautifully, with a nifty piece of toe-stepping, and Jorgie does the "sexy secretary" cliche well. Scores - Dance 7.5, Robin 6.5 and Katarina 7.5 for a total of 21.5. Jorgie declares that she was saved by her knickers. I don't even know what that means. Matt thanks Jayne and Chris for fulfilling his fantasy of skating with a secretary. I don't even know what that means either. Jayne laughs that Matt was really hanging on to Jorgie's knickers, and Phil starts talking about wedgies. Dance is happy about all the choreography and all the acting, and wonders what will happen next. Katarina thanks Jorgie for being like a shining jewel and admires the fact that she can act, skate and scream simultaneously. Robin says it was all right on the button and worked really, really well.

Ooh, and so we get to directly compare the two frontrunners, because Matt and Nina are next. He lies that he never expected to be at the top of the leaderboard in the first week. They're skating to Night Fever, and because Nina has never seen Saturday Night Fever, he takes her to a Seventies club to dance. They then try to translate the moves on to the ice, at which point Matt wobbles and falls on top of Nina. You see? He's not a ringer! He falls over! Like normal people!

Matt is white-suited up, and also has three backing dancers before he gets on to the ice. He tries to do a Travolta sneer, and fails. Still, the skating is nice (although there are some really ugly lifts in there), and he does look like he's leading, which is unusual for the men in this competition. Scores - Dance 6.0, Robin 8.0 and Katarina 7.5 for a total of 21.5. Ooh, he's matched her! Matt admits he was nervous because it all went wrong in rehearsal today, and Nina then tries to steal Phil's mic in order to declaim about how proud she is of her partner and the risk he took in doing the lift. Robin says that Matt delivered big tricks and danced well, but he also gets the blades working properly - "you wouldn't know which was the professional and which was the celebrity." Katarina says it doesn't feel like Matt is a non-skater, and Dance says a mid-tempo number can go either way - "For me it didn't have that spark you should have with every tempo," he says, and gets booed for his trouble.

Charlene and Matthew are our next contestants. She says she had "so much fun" on week 1, and she's excited about dancing to Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend. However, she is less keen on some of the lifts and spins that are in the routine, particularly after she too incurs a rib injury. Poor old Sharon the physio is earning her money this year.

Corey's boy-band chums are back to dance with Charlene at the top of the routine, before she gets on to the ice and joins Matthew. Her dress is very long, which seems a bit cumbersome to me, until I realise it's got splits up the side (the material flaps into Matthew's face when they do the lift, but hey ho). Gubba talks about Moldovan ambassadors. Scores - Dance 5.0, Robin 4.0, Katarina 6.0 for a total of 15.0. Charlene says that if she goes through, she won't chicken out of lifts next time. [I knew she was heading for the bottom two as soon as she said that. YOU DO NOT QUESTION TORVILL AND DEAN. - Steve] Chris looks unconvinced. Jayne interjects again about how hard it is to skate with a sore rib. Katarina says the character suited her, and she liked the portrayal. Dance agrees about the characterisation of the choreography, and says the lines were much better. Robin says that Charlene moves "very lovely" on the ice. Seriously, is he drunk tonight?

Sebastien and Brianne next. Last week he did freerun-dancing on ice, and surprised everybody, although Robin told him to skate more with his partner. They're skating to Mad World from Donnie Darko, and they will have to be in tune with each other with some odd-looking moves that look like they will tear your hamstrings. Seb tells us that it is "crucial for Brianne and I to be as one." Brianne explains that basically they'll both go arse over tit if one of them is slightly off-beam.

They begin with some caped and masked weirdness, before moving on to the rink where their speed is notable. Nobody falls over, and Sebastien finishes in a strange little headstand thing. Scores - Dance 5.0, Robin 6.5, Katarina 6.5 for a total of 18.0. Sebastien says there is no more "I", there is "we". Or "wee". Or "oui". He says it is hard to work with a partner but he likes it. Brianne says she needs to learn what Sebastien's style is so that they can really work together. Chris muses about Sebastien's "gentle spirit". Dance says Sebastien has long legs and a short torso which produces nice lines, but he needs to work on his performance. Robin disagrees - his lines are "great", and the quirkiness of the routine worked well. Robin and Dance start to bicker, and then Sebastien tries to explain to Dance what his acting and characterisation choices were. Heeeee!

Andy (in his really ugly wig) and Vicky now. For their first performance, they did much comedy and entertained Robin and Dance, scoring 12.0 in the process. This week they're skating to Grease, which, sadly for him, means he has to go and see Ray Quinn for advice. FUCK OFF RAY QUINN. He tells us he was in the West End playing Danny (which he got on the back of his Dancing on Ice win), and then gives Andy some acting advice that is ever so slightly reminiscent of Susan Sarandon's to Joey in Friends: "You OWN the room!" [So from that I extrapolate that Andy and Ray ended up sleeping together. *shudders* - Steve]

Anyway, Andy combs his quiff, Vicky leads him by the hand around the rink, but at least they're not doing Comedy Faces this time round. It's quite a cute and tidy little number. Better than anything I'd have expected with Ray Quinn's involvement. Scores - Dance 4.5, Robin 4.5, Katarina 5.0 for a total of 14.0. Andy is happy with the improved score, and reveals that when he ran his hair through his wig, his fingers nearly got stuck in the hairspray. Vicky says Andy has worked hard (of course), and Jayne is shocked at how well he skated. Katarina says Andy keeps surprising her - this routine had much more skating, but she wants him to find a way to work with the music a little more. Robin says it was entertaining for the right reasons, and then somehow Dance manages to repeat everything I typed in my recap above.

IT'S THE FINAL PERFORMANCE! And it's Heidi (who broke Sylvain) with my Andrei! In the first week, she was slow, timid and clinical by her own admission. She reckons she loves being in the competition, and is excited to be skating to Goldfinger. Jayne says Heidi needs to be a Bond girl, but Chris is the one who demonstrates the appropriate Bond girl movements, because he's an old ham. Amelle!Sugababe turns up to rehearsal to yell "SEXIFY!" from the sidelines, which I'm sure is incredibly helpful. [I think that's the lyrics to their next single. - Steve]

They are skating to some kind of fucked-up remix of Goldfinger which I hate more than I hate Heidi. Also there isn't enough camera close-up of Andrei, and images of giant dildoes seem to be projected across the ice. I don't understand this show tonight. Scores - Dance 5.0, Robin 5.0 and Katarina 5.5 for a total of 15.5, which Heidi is really pleased with. She then says it's tough to concentrate on performing when Andrei is shouting at her to get down on her knees. Everyone screeches, Andrei blushes, Heidi takes a while to realise what she's said. Honestly, the double entendres tonight are impossible. [If not the double entendres, then the audience's insistence in POINTING THEM ALL OUT. I mean, that's our job. - Steve] Dance then tells Andrei if he needs a new partner, he's available. Where is Susie? Why is she not here putting a stop to this behaviour? Robin says it wasn't so timid as before, and Katarina says Andrei is wonderful so the lifts are secure, but she wants Heidi to spice it up a bit more. Chris has now controlled his hysteria, and says that Heidi and Andrei are now secure in their partnership having had a fortnight to work on it. Wow, Chris, that was worth waiting for.

So the leaderboard - Jorgie and Matt are tied at the top, with Corey languishing at the bottom. Vote vote vote if you care! The results will follow later this evening!

The skate-off

Welcome back,children. Earlier tonight, we celebrated the movies, and approximately 159 non-famous people skated for our votes, which we all failed to give them because none of us have voted on this show for three years! Now - it's time for the skate-off...

...titles!

Phil and Christine welcome us back, and remind us that one couple will be leaving this evening - the lines have now closed, and a suitably ominous graphic is beamed on to the rink. Before we get any results, it's time for a recap (please just see above) and the backstage gossip, such as it is: Chico kissed an old lady and claimed that he was being cool rather than cheesy; Rosemary was disappointed to mess up on the night; the kung fu Sam-and-Mark was really nervous; Chemmy cried and cried and cried but hopes "the people" respect that she took a risk; Corey refused to talk to the camera and so Brooke and Karen tried to cover his hissyfit up; Jen was in physio immediately after the routine so Dan tried to cover that up; the Blues Brothers Sam-and-Mark promised he will get better week on week; Jorgie and Matt think they will go up (on strings); Matt was "chuffed to bits" to get the same mark as Jorgie; Charlene feels a responsibility when playing Marilyn Monroe, notwithstanding the fact that nobody is really watching this or cares; Sebastien thinks comments are "good to take" and will work with them; Andy is glad that he keeps surprising people; and Heidi enjoyed this routine much more.

Wow, we really do have a stunningly interesting troupe of contestants this year, don't we?

Christine asks Robin about the bunching at the top of the leaderboard, and he says that there will always be somebody at the bottom. Which is sort of how leaderboards work. And then he talks about people getting on their knees again. Dance talks a bit about the potential on show from the middle of the pack, and says how excited he is to be working. Katarina beams beautifully, and says that Jorgie is breathtaking to such an extent that she doesn't look at Matt (meaning Lovely Matt, but the camera operator is confused and shows Emmerdale Matt instead).

Phil touches his ear, and begins to give us the results. Who's safe? Corey and Brooke. What the fuck? Everybody is entirely confused. Who else? Sebastien and Brianne; Chico and Jodeyne; Matthew and Nina; Jorgie and Matt; Kung Fu Sam-and-Mark and Alexandra; Heidi and Andrei; Rosemary and Mark; Chemmy and Sean; Jennifer and Dan; and Andy and Vicky.

So that leaves Charlene and Mark and Blues Brother Sam-and-Mark and Frankie in the skate-off. I am totally unbothered by either of these, which is probably the reason why they are both in the bottom two.

Blues Brother Sam-and-Mark and Frankie go first. They are slow over the ice, and several mistakes including "me tie falling out me jacket", apparently. Chris scolds him for admitting errors. Charlene and Matthew (and their three random dancing boys) follow; it's much better acted, obviously, and this should be a foregone conclusion. Surely?

Robin saves Charlene; Dance loves Mark's spirit, but Charlene's performance was stronger; and Katarina completes it by saying that Charlene used her second chance best. That means that Mark and Frankie are out of the competition. "Oh no!" exclaims Phil. "What a nightmare! I'm so sorry!" Mark is very pragmatic about it, saying that he was near the bottom and made mistakes, and Charlene was much better, so she deserves to go through. Aw, that's nice.

Montage of his best bits - mostly falling over and saying that he is in competition with Sam. Jayne and Chris say that it's been lovely working with him and he has a magnificent spirit; Mark thanks Frankie for working "with limited resources" and urges a round of applause for her, while Steve takes to Twitter to urge a ringer for her next series. More shoddy camera work as Mark and Frankie skate in front of the shot and Katarina seems to be doodling on a notepad, and we're out!

Join us again next week when the contestants face some kind of immense challenge, and Torvill and Dean will perform a solo routine for us! Steve will be here for that, but until then...keeeeeeep fast over the ice!

Morse the pity

2012-01-15T18:30:00.004Z

Week 2: 15th January 2012

So, last week, half of this year's contestants made their ice debuts, while the other half watched - and this, according to Rosemary Conley, was quite scary. Corey, similarly, felt the pressure from watching such luminaries as Heidi "Sylvain Breaker" Range, and Jennifer decided that she just didn't want to be the one to let the side down. Presumably she was off frying up a batch of chunky chips for everyone when Mark Rhodes was on. Jorgie Porter was commended for the strongest opening routine in Dancing On Ice history, and Matthew Wolfenden saw that as the benchmark for the rest of them. Meanwhile, in a SHOCK RESULT, Andy Akinwolere went home. See, this is what comes of moving Blue Peter to half past two in the afternoon or whenever it's on now - adults don't get to see as much of it, thus making the transition from children's TV presenter to grown-up reality star far more difficult. Anyway, that was a SHOCK RESULT, and we'll be hearing a lot tonight about how it was a SHOCK RESULT, so just, y'know, prepare yourselves for that. Tonight, the remaining eight celebrities must skate to prove their worth to Epic Goddess Katarina Witt and also some other people, and this apparently involves a lot of falling over and muffled curses. Sounds good to me!

Titles, now using footage apparently recycled from the pre-series advert. Cutbacks, I guess.

We open with a performance from Pixie Lott, sounding quite rough, to be honest. Also, her posture is terrible. Stand up straight, love, you're in for a world of back problems in later life otherwise. This appears to be the "hen night" version of Pixie Lott, which is the most frequently occuring of her many personalities. Well, "personalities". Apparently the song's called 'Kiss The Stars', and I'm certainly not too mature to make a "more like Kiss My Arse, AMIRITE?" joke. She's accompanied by Lovely Matt and Nina (I think - I'm going mainly on the hair here) as well as Mark and Maria, but they're not featured anywhere near as much as they should be, and far more airtime is given to Pixie's off-pitch warblings and her bizarre underwear choices.

Thankfully, it ends (eventually) and Phil and Christine arrive. "What a way to start the night!" exclaims Phil, having apparently not noticed the stage direction "(despairingly)" in his script. Time to meet our skating stars: Jennifer and Dan, Remaining Andy and Vicky, Heidi and Andrei (get well soon, Sylvain! Seriously, you might have to hurry if you actually want to participate this year), Charlene and Matthew, Sam and Alexandra, Mark and FRANKIE!, Rosemary and Mark (she's looking a bit wobbly, sadly), Jorgie and Lovely Matt, Sébastien and Brianne, Corey and Brooke (he almost goes arse over tit the second she lets go of him), Chemmy and Sean, Laila and Lukasz, Chico and Jodeyne, Matthew and Nina and of course ICE LEGENDS Jayne and Chris.

Phil has a good old chuckle about Corey's near tumble, and reminds us of the SHOCK EXIT of Andy A last week, and Chris says this has put the wind up everyone and they've realised that performing well with the judges is no guarantee of survival. Christine asks Jayne who we should be looking out for, and Jayne non-answers that everyone did well in rehearsals. Stop sitting on the fence, Jayne. Phil tells us that Jennifer and Dan will be skating first, but not before...

.. an ad break. That "Truvia Scrumptious" commercial might just be the worst thing ever.

When we're back, it's time to meet the ice panel: Robin, Dance, and FLAWLESS GODDESS KATARINA WITT. Christine asks Robin if he's expecting everyone to perform as well as Jorgie did last week, and Robin says ABSOLUTELY NOT, because Jorgie did what she did, and everyone else needs to do what they do, and not worry about competing with other people. Isn't that kind of the whole point of the show, though? Robin clarifies that going out trying to beat other people rather than focusing on your own performance is the big problem. Katarina says that they won't get a second chance to make a first impression, so she wants everyone to do as well as last week's lot did. Dance is looking for "oodles of personality" once more, and also good timing, musicality, and precision. Three times precision, even. He reminds us that Robin and Katarina are here to judge the skating, while he is here to focus on dance and performance. I like that everyone knows their role this year. I suspect the problem in recent years was that Bunton was there, and no one had a clue what her role was supposed to be. I imagine, if asked, her response would've been something like Bubble's on Absolutely Fabulous: "I don't really know. Nothing. Get paid." Anyway, hooray for a likeable ice panel!

Up first, as promised, are Jennifer and Dan. Phil introduces her as a "dancer, actress, singer and chef", and my boyfriend instantly grouses that winning Hell's Kitchen does NOT make you a chef any more than winning I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here! makes you Crocodile Dundee. Anyway, Jennifer prefers to describe herself simply as an actress, though she states warningly that she's mainly been a mum for three years, and while she's "loved every minute of it", she's looking forward to a different challenge. Also: money. Chris notes that Jennifer lacks confidence, but has lovely lines, so overall there's potential. Jennifer wishes for Dan as her partner, but fears she won't get him; of course, her fears are unfounded because her partner for the year is two-time Champion ON ICE Daniel Whiston, who is definitely up for a hat trick. They rehearse well together, have a lot of fun, and Daniel thinks that Jennifer's picking things up quickly. Her confidence is still an issue, however, and is further shaken when she sees the uptempo routine she's got for the first show. To further complicate matters, Dan incurs an injury during rehearsals for last week's big group number, much to Jennifer's distress. It's a torn hamstring (cue hilariously suggestive footage of Dan with the physio, his leg in the air with his thigh being gently caressed), and Sharon the physio (whom I suspect we will be seeing a lot of this year) says it's a very serious injury, but they're determined to have him fit for Sunday. Dan vows to soldier on and be there for Jennifer.

They're skating to...sorry, what now? I didn't get a word of that, Gubba. Hang on, I'm going to Wikipedia. Bear with me...

...oh, apparently it's 'Bei Mir Bistu Shien' by the Andrews Sisters, though Gubba's pronunciation was somewhere closer to the Germanicised title, though still not quite correct even in that interpretation. Anyway, I've never heard this song before, but it's got a Charleston-y feeling to it, so their routine is quite 1920s, a little bit silent movie-style, and Jennifer's got some great lines, as Chris previously pointed out, and moves well over the ice. There's also a frankly terrifying lift where she sort of dangles around Dan's waist and does the splits while leaning back UPSIDE DOWN, and that's quite a lot to take in for week one. Jennifer's friends and family are wearing "Keep Calm And Vote Team Jennifer" t-shirts. Ugh.

It looks pretty good in the recap, and Gubba reminds us that she's played Roxie Hart in Chicago, though to be honest I think everyone's played Roxie Hart at least twice by now, haven't they? I've played Roxie Hart twice myself. Also, it appears that even Gubba's ability to give nonsensical names to the lifts has its limits, as he can't think of a name for the terrifying leg split back bend. Scores: Dance 5.5, Robin 5.0, Katarina 5.0 for a total of 15.5. Over at the kiss and cry, Phil asks if they have a name for that lift, and Dan titters that they do, but it's rude. Dan says that he's recovering nicely from his injury, and a breathless Jen adds that they're just glad to be here. Chris says that Jen "razzled and dazzled us" and opines that Jen's legs are the longest they've ever had on the show. I have my doubts, personally.

Christine's with the judges, and Dance says it was choreographed to her strengths, but says she would have got an extra point if she'd kept her shoulders down, though she gave him precision in the movements, which is what he was looking for. Katarina says that you can see Jennifer's dance background in her performance - the steps are careful, but perfect in a way. She thinks Jennifer looks comfortable, and her face is glowing and beaming. Robin agrees, and likes the naturalness of the performance, and then likens Jennifer to the DREAD LANGFORD, though doesn't point out that Jennifer appears to have at least mastered the rudiments of skating, unlike the Dread Langford. [Why has everyone forgotten that Langford never fucking set a blade on the ice? Honestly, this show's memory capacity worries me. - Carrie]

Phil encourages us to tweet our opinions using a hashtag that no one is using (#dancingonice, if you please. Everyone in my timeline was using #doi, or #ONICE), and then we go to another ad break, in which a man pretends to be Richard Branson. [It's Usain Bolt! - Carrie] I assume this is because Virgin Media's customer service is now officially so terrible, the man has to hire decoys lest he get attacked in the street.

When we return, it's time for Sam and Alexandra. Phil's intro for them actually acknowledges Sam and Mark's Pop Idol beginnings, which I don't think happened last week. We see some clips of what kids' TV looks like these days, and Sam says that he and Mark do everything together, before hastily backtracking that they don't do EVERYTHING together, nothing gaywise or anything like that. He says that Mark's the more competitive one, but he wants to beat him - again, presumably not in a gaywise fashion. Sam would like to win, not just for the sake of winning, but also so he can "rub it in Mark's face". Just assume that everything he says is followed by "not in a gaywise fashion", it'll save us all a lot of time. Alexandra is excited about Sam because he has a great work ethic, but Chris thinks Sam needs to work on his energy. Sam thinks the pressure is on because Mark's already survived one week. Chris thinks that Sam's the stronger skater, but Mark surprised everyone by not being entirely unpopular. Sam muses that if he doesn't get through, he'll never hear the end of it.

He and Alexandra are skating to 'Fascination' and he is biting his bottom lip for all he's worth (let's not be crude about this, just for a change). His dancing is quite hesitant and a little bit off-the-beat, and he doesn't appear to be too keen to let go of Alexandra, though to be fair he's not too bad when required to skate solo. He does look very nervous throughout, and there's a very slight slip when getting up from a slide, but by and large it's pretty good. Gubba tells us that Sam has already lost a stone in training, and is also preparing for the London marathon. Gubba fails to come up with any good names for the lifts. Scores: Dance 4.5, Robin 5.5, Katarina 5.5 for a total of 15.5. Sam pulls "WTF" faces, and Mark gives him the thumbs up from afar (not in a gaywise, etc etc). Sam says that he loved it, and Alexandra says that he's great and so positive that she's just smiling all the time, goshdarnit. Jayne thinks Sam's worked really well on his core strength and is in great shape now. She thinks there were a lot of steps in the routine, and that's why they got such great marks.

Robin thinks Sam is looking very comfortable in a natural stance over the blade, and to be doing an inside double turn in week one is very impressive, even if it's not quite perfect. He thinks it was messy around the edges but not at the expense of being in control. Dance says that it was a good programme with good musicality, but he's looking at the arms, and he thinks Sam could've been stronger at the start, though he warmed up throughout the programme, and he had a good relationship with his partner, which is important. He thinks Sam really has the ability to progress. Katarina tells Sam that he is much faster than Mark, and that she was really impressed with his step sequence and the twizzles and turns and going on his toes were all very impressive.

Next are Rosemary and Mark. Rosemary reminds us that she's a diet and fitness guru, and is very excited about being here. Jayne asks her if she's skated before, and Rosemary says yes, so Jayne invites her to skate around the rink. Rosemary does so, s-l-o-w-l-y. Rosemary says that she's had skating lessons a couple of times a week for the last few years. Wow, someone REALLY wanted to do this show, huh? Chris jumps out at her like a bastard and then comments that she's starting from a good level, but that's with two years of practice, so will she improve? He wonders if we'll see her doing a headbanger. CLEARLY NOT, DEAN. Rosemary worries that she'll need a patient partner because she's taking longer to learn things than someone half her age. Mark says that he's hoping to do slightly better than last year, where he went out in week one, or week 0.2, or whatever we call it. In training, Jayne notes rather scornfully that Rosemary is treating things like a fun day out rather than a serious competition. Rosemary reflects on Andy's departure last week and how even doing well with the judges doesn't guarantee your safety. She doesn't want to be in the skate-off, and vows to do everything in her power to prevent that.

They're skating to 'Fernando'. It's all very mannered and rather static at the start, and Rosemary slips - but doesn't fall - soon after moving from the start position. There's a faintly wobbly, Bambi-ish quality to her skating, and it's all a bit slow over the ice (TM Nicky Slater), but by and large it's a respectable programme.

Gubba notes the early stumble but opines that she's got it back together. He tells us that she has a 25 inch waist, which is INSANE. Scores are in: Dance 3.5, Robin 4.5, Katarina 4.5 for a total of 12.5, which is "respectable", as Phil puts it. Rosemary thinks the trip was unfortunate, and Phil asks if it was nerves, because he's not seen her slip before. Rosemary admits that this is one of the scariest things she's ever done, though she admits that it's still "a huge privilege" to be on "the most wonderful show on earth". Calm down, Rosemary. Mark says that he's loving having Rosemary for a partner and says that if he can do what Rosemary did at the age of 65, he'd be happy. Chris patronises her about being A Lady and always being well turned-out and pristine. He thinks nerves got to her tonight, but was impressed by her speed over the nice. Phil also decides to get in on the patronising act by telling her she looks beautiful.

Dance tells Rosemary that he was glad for the slip, because it caused her to break into a smile where before she'd looked tense. He thinks she did some nice lines, but he felt it was a bit laboured and hesitant in the choreography, though she exudes elegance and grace. Robin disagrees and says that it wasn't laboured, in fact it was genteel (wtf?). He thought the quality of the footwork was great, despite the stumble, and there was something lovely in seeing her and Mark on the ice together. Katarina thinks that Rosemary is Inspirational and she hopes that she can be out there, many years from now, with the same poise that Rosemary has. She also notes that there is no sound when Rosemary skates, meaning that she's caressing the ice, which is a good thing, apparently.

Ad break.

When we return, Christine is with all the couples and head coach Karen, who tells us that everyone's very nervous, especially Jennifer, who conquered her nerves tonight. She votes for Chico as the dark horse of the competition, citing him as a hard worker. Chico chips in that he wants to be a horse that finishes the race, and continues talking forever and ever and ever and OH GOD THIS IS TOO MUCH. Jennifer says that seeing her family helped her to settle, and she hopes she did okay. Christine asks Corey if he's nervous (sensing a theme here, anyone?) Corey says that the stage is shaking, it's not him. Christine looks lustfully at Matthew Wolfenden in his leathers (it's really not doing anything for me, I have to say) before introducing our next couple: Laila and Lukasz. Laila reminds us that she's best known as EastEnders' Big Mo, so I wonder how well she'll fit in on this show where she's far from the only big mo. (*Rimshot*) Laila says that she's fairly terrified, but wants to prove all the naysayers wrong, hopefully. Chris admires her determination, and Layla says she wants to do it for the older women out there. Unfortunately, she is amongst the walking wounded this year: she tells us how she ripped a tendon in her shoulder in training, but vows to make it back onto the ice. However, it takes a toll on her skating, as she's three weeks behind everyone else. Lukasz says that he wants to make sure Laila has fun and also that she stays safe. Oh, bless him. He's impressed by Laila's balance on the ice. Chris explains that Laila's routine is slow- to mid-tempo with lots of character, and he hopes the character will come out, and not the pain. Oh Dean, you utter drama queen. Laila's injury continues to plague her throughout rehearsals, but she determines to go ahead because doing this is important, for some reason.

They're skating to 'My Girl', and Laila is an early frontrunner for the "loudest supporters" award. There's not an awful lot of skating in the first 30 seconds or so, and her lines are a bit feeble because of the arm injury, but her footwork's actually surprisingly good. She's impressively light on her feet. She's mouthing all the words too, and given what we saw in her VT, I wonder if this is a diversionary tactic she's employing to take her mind off her injury. She looks properly chuffed with herself when she gets to the end, though, as well she might.

Gubba reminds us that Laila only had one month to train, and name-drops that Laila will be sending a DVD of that performance to her little brother in LA, Gary Oldman. You mean he's not in the audience, waving a banner, Richard and Judy-style? Shame. Scores: Dance 3.0, Robin 3.0, Katarina 3.5. Laila tells Phil she thought it was absolutely brilliant, and Phil says that she's a real trouper. "Well, we're the Oldmans," Laila responds, and giggles. Lukasz explains that rehearsals have been difficult because Laila can't move that arm much, so they've had a lot of things to work around. Jayne says that Laila was very determined, and it looks like she had lots of fun out there, so Jayne is very impressed.

Robin says that she made it through unscathed, and he wouldn't have known that she was coping with an injury if he hadn't seen the VT, because the actress in her came out and she worked through it. He thought it was basic, but she was in control and enjoyed herself. Katarina thinks Laila deserves a 10.0 for her courage and for not showing pain, but this is about skating, and she saw Lukasz basically doing all the work, so she needs Laila to be more in control on her own, because she's singing more than she's skating. Dance compliments her on her lines, and tells her to remember to keep stretched when she's in the air, but tells her it wasn't a bad performance considering the injury. A cheap knockoff of the EastEnders drum riff plays as Phil encourages us to vote, and then it's time for our next couple: Sébastien and Brianne.

Sébastien talks about how free-running is "more than just a sport, it's an art" (sure, why not?) and, in a bid to prove he's definitely famous, honest, tells us that he's in the opening of the film Casino Royale. He freeruns into the skating arena to meet Jayne and Chris, and Jayne recoils a little bit, which is quite funny to watch. Chris says that Sébastien wants to bring his natural agility to the ice, and he gets a 7 out of 10 in his basic skills test, which he seems quite pleased with. Brianne arrives and declares herself THE CHAMPION of last year's series. Yeah, Sam who? She enjoys Sébastien showing off in rehearsals, but Chris worries that Sébastien is treating it as an individual sport rather than a team sport, and Brianne does seem to be bristling a bit with him in rehearsals. Chris says that Sébastien needs to sort out his partnering issues if he doesn't want to be criticised by the judges.

Sébastian's fans are also loud, and Brianne appears to have a few screamers in herself. They're skating to 'Clocks' by Coldplay, complete with dazzlingly literal choreography with Brianne as the pendulum. They're not quite in sync throughout, but he's definitely good, with excellent balance and a lot of energy as you'd expect. Gubba cracks an "if he gets voted out, he'll really go up the wall" joke. Oh dear. Scores: Dance 5.0, Robin 6.0, Katarina 6.5 for a total of 17.5. "Formidable!" exclaims Phil in his best French accent. Sébastien says he wants to cry because he has So Many Feelings and he's very happy to be here. Brianne says that she's hard on him, but only because she loves him and sees his potential, and she's so proud of him for doing so well tonight. Chris claims that he tried to include an element of free-running in the choreography (oh Chris, I'm not sure that three forward-rolls really counts as "an element of free-running").

Katarina tells him that she enjoys the element of risk within the routine, and she hopes he will keep experimenting, because more interesting things will come out of that. She's impressed with his skating skills and speed, and thinks the big challenge will be for Chris and Jayne to choreograph routines worthy of him. Dance tells Sébastien that he reminds him of Chemmy last week, with the same speed and aggression in the performance. He thinks it was very contemporary, but points out that Sébastien spent a lot of time looking at the floor and needs to work on that. Robin agrees with everything that Dance and Queen Katarina have said, but also wants to remind Sébastien that this is a pairs skating competition, and as lovely as it is to see him skate out on his own so much, he does need to actually acknowledge Brianne's existence at some point.

Adverts. I would say something horrible about Wonga.com here, but last time I tried that on Twitter, an official representative pounced on me and gave me a telling-off. Still, it's good that they're not super-defensive or anything. [Let 'em come after me. Those kind of loan companies are the personification of evil capitalism and our crumbling indebted society. - Carrie]

When we come back, it is Chico time, apparently. It's strange - there doesn't appear to be any specific designation on the clock for this wondrous hour, it's just Chico time whenever anyone says it is. If only that worked for lunch time. NotChesneyHawkes tells us that he is a singer, and one who is so excited but also so scared. My God, it's like the entire plot of 'Jessie's Song' encapsulated in one sentence. During the skills test, Chris observes that Chico is "precarious", but he gets through by the skin of his teeth. Jayne expresses concern that Chico lacks the necessary stability and balance, but says that his passion and enthusiasm keeps him going. Jodeyne reminds us that last year she made it to the semi-finals with a HERO, but this year she's planning on making the real final. Chico explains that he's had the fun part of training, being a reserve, where there's no pressure on you - but then Chesney went and broke himself, and suddenly the heat is on. He pretends to be a live-action cartoon while relating all of this. Jayne says that he's been working hard in rehearsals, and loving every minute. Chico says he's skating 50% for himself, and 50% for Chesney, so the two of those add up to the full 100%, which is what he is going to give. Pfft. Amateur.

They're skating to 'Wild Thing', and Jodeyne looks fucking terrified. I think this might be what happens when you're forced against your will to live in a world where it is Chico time all the time. His dancing is skittish, to say the least, but his general speed is impressive and there are some quite tricky manoeuvres in there for this stage of the competition.

Gubba tells us that Chico is "still chasing stardom". I think he may be looking in the wrong places. Scores are in: Dance 6.0, Robin 6.0, Katarina 6.5 for a total of 18.5. Chico takes this score with quiet grace. Oh, of course not: he goes absolutely nuts. Phil points out to Chico that he got the same score as Jorgie. Chico thinks that this is the first time in his life that anyone's ever told him he did something well. If that's true, then that is very sad indeed. He goes on to remind us that he is turning 40 soon, and that is all fine because life starts at 40. You might even say that when you turn 40, it's Chico ti--no, it's no good, I can't do it. Jodeyne says they've only had seven days together, but Chico's determined to make the best of the time that they have. Jayne agrees, saying that when they're working on the ice, Chico is very focused. Robin opens for the judges, saying that the song should be named 'Wild But In Control Thing'. Oh, Robin. It really shouldn't, for so many reasons. He saw speed and power, but control, and he thought it was terrific. He hears that Chesney was pretty good, but he also thinks that Chico is pretty good, and thinks the partnership worked instantly. Katarina says that she thinks his speed and performance and interaction with his partner was all great. Dance says that Chico is not just easy on the eye, but he knocked out a great routine - but he would've got an extra 0.5 if it were more sexy and less cheesy. Fair enough.

Ad break. Anybody else planning to watch Winners And Losers? I'm sort of tempted, I won't lie.

As we return, Phil reminds us once again of Andy's Shock Exit last week and how that affected the skaters who survived. This takes us into a VT, and Heidi says that being in the skate-off just shows you how easily this could all end. And this is from a woman who's used to having her colleagues kicked out at regular intervals [/obligatory weak Sugababes joke]. She likes her new routine, but it's more difficult, so she just wants to enjoy it. Still Here Andy says that he was relieved to survive last week, and wants to survive and get better - he's here to show that he can skate. Charlene admits to having been shaking when she got off the ice, and while she feels she's making progress, she's still having to review the basics all the time. Chemmy didn't realise how much she would enjoy the opening week, but needs to work on her finesse and her lines, and she's quite scared of the lift she's been given for next week, which she can't seem to land. Mark says that he was "jubilant" to survive, and is aiming for the lofty heights of double figures. He's got a "comical" routine for next week, which is worrying. Jorgie is feeling the pressure to maintain her score from last week, and her new routine is very fast with a lot of things going on. She hadn't anticipated getting such a hectic routine so soon.

Christine's in the studio with the viewing skaters, and asked Jorgie how she's feeling about next week, now that her high score from last week has been equalled by Chico and therefore tarnished somewhat. Jorgie says that she is "so much scared". Oh, she speak English goodly. Mark thinks that Sam has laid down the gauntlet, and compliments him on pulling off the orange outfit so well. Christine reads out a tweet from "Comedy" Dave last year complimenting Sam, and tells us that "Big Mo" is globally trending, though do we know for definite that it's referring to Laila Morse? Maybe homophobia's just really popular right now. Matthew (still in those leathers, still not doing a thing for me) says that he's feeling all right at this point, if a bit sweaty because it's pleather, not leather, and trying to control his nerves.

Up next are Corey and Brooke. His voice sounds kind of destroyed at this point. He affects a Wild West drawl as he faces the ice for the first time, with that ludicrous thing still dangling from his hair. He's given his skills test by Matthew Gonzalez, because he had too many commitments to come to the UK for it, or something. Brooke tells us that she's a pretty tough partner, capable of whipping anyone into shape. Anyone, it seems, except Corey, whose progress is slow. In training, Karen scolds him for having stuff in his pocket, giving him a full-on health and safety lecture. Chris is unimpressed with Corey's lack of progress, and Corey rates his own skating ability as "zero", oddly proudly. We see clips of Corey watching last week's show and his complete lack of ability slowly dawning on him. Oops, indeed. He says that watching last week's show was "eye-opening, to say the least" and now appears to have developed some sort of work ethic. Hooray for work!

They're skating to 'Summer Of 69', and his skating is really not good. He's all over the place and bungles one of the slide-throughs because of a stumble, leaving Brooke hanging behind him. Brooke's really working it, and I feel rather sorry for her - I think she deserves a rather better partner. I'd say "maybe next year", but with the turnover on this show, we might never see her again. [She looks a bit like Stacey Solomon if you squint. Or look at her through an odd strand of hair. - Carrie] He manages to stop on his toepicks, and pulls off a knee-slide, so there's clearly some hope here, but it's not that great a start. I find myself oddly drawn to him though, if I can ignore that thing in his hair. I think I just have a weakness for a man with a strong jawline.

Gubba tells us that Corey's got six Playboy bunnies in to support him, ugh. Scores: Dance 3.5, Robin 4.0, Katarina 3.5 for a total of 11.0. Phil then says that there are eight bunny ladies in the audience - apparently they're multiplying like, well, like bunnies, or someone can't count. [The very fact that this show is proud of having these women there makes me want to puke. - Carrie] Corey says that he was working on two films at the same time as training for this, so he didn't have the time to devote to it, but now he's here and totally ready to commit. We've all heard that one before, am I right ladies? Phil welcomes Brooke to the show, and she says that what's great about Corey is that he gives 100% in terms of performance. Chris says he was on the edge of his seat, possibly for the wrong reasons, but thinks that Corey gave a great performance when he was out there, and calls Brooke "my hero".

Robin cracks some dreadful puns about "tension" and "intense" and says that Corey tends to "plod" rather than glide. He makes a laboured "lost boy" joke and says that Corey needs to work on bringing the same intensity to training that he does to the performance if he gets through. Dance says that most of the marks were for performance, and that it was tentative all the way through, and he was waiting for him to fall over. He tells Corey that he needs to work on the choreography and "danceability". Katarina says that he's working so hard that she finds it hard to criticise him, but it was like he was walking on raw eggs, and she's worried about him stepping on Brooke's hair or dropping her in one of the lifts, so she's pleased that neither of them are dead. Phil mentions that Corey's hair has its own Twitter account, but I think it's best we all ignore that and hope it goes away.

Ad break. I wonder if Max Beesley spent a lot of time moaning about work last week, or whether having lots of ad-money numbs the pain.

Finally, we have Matthew Wolfenden and Nina, who openly admits to his dance and gymnast background. *cough*ringer*cough* He gets 10/10 in his basic skills test, and grouses (albeit in a tongue-in-cheek fashion) that he wanted to do better. Oh dear, he's one of those. Matthew grunts and snarls at himself a lot in practice, and says "oh, CRIKEY" like a good ITV1 soap star. Chris worries that Matthew's perfectionism getting in his way, and Matthew thinks that Jorgie has set a very high bar for him to meet, and hopes he can do it on the night.

They're skating to 'Give Me Everything' by Pitbull and surprise, surprise - he's very good indeed. He's light on his feet, sharp in his movements, and infectiously enthusiastic. I'm a bit disappointed that nothing in the programme really explained the pleather though, because now it just feels gratuitous. I know, on this show, who'd have thought? Matthew pounds the ice in exuberance afterwards, and The Ice is all "yeah, you just watch that in future, sunshine".

Scores: Dance 7.0, Robin 6.5, Katarina 7.0 for a total of 20.5. Phil declares this score "astonishing". Matthew tells us we should all have a go at ice-dancing in front of millions of people because it's a real buzz. For a perfectionist, he admits to being very chuffed with his performance. Phil asks Nina if it's harder to work with a perfectionist, and Nina says that she's one as well, so it makes it harder, but he turns up at practice and gives it 100%. Jayne says we've had several contenders tonight but Matthew's got the highest score, so that makes him a definite contender. Thanks for that, Jayne.

Katarina tells us that she DEFINITELY gave her score for the right reason, that being Matthew's skating skills, and not for how sexy he is or how great he looks, then cracks "Okay, I'm a woman!" Hee. I heart Katarina, especially since she then tells him to ditch the pleather and get into jeans and a white shirt, which will be a much better look. Possibly still not very practical for ice-dancing, mind. Dance says, on the other hand, that his points are SOLELY for the pleather. Hee. He thinks it was "almost perfect" and thought that Matthew built with the music and it was all very exciting to watch. Robin thought it was a fantastic end to the night, and thinks this is going to be a fantastic series.

It's ~~Chico~~ leaderboard time! Matthew's at the top, Chico's in second, Sébastien is third, Jennifer and Sam are tying for fourth, behind them is Rosemary, then Corey, and Laila is, unsurprisingly, at the bottom. Also, Phil says "Jennifer and Danielle" when he's reading out the scores, which I think is a couple in a very different version of this show. The lines are now OPEN, so get voting! Or, you know, don't. I mean, I didn't, so it's not my place to force anyone to do it. And this was two days ago, so they're closed now anyway.

Recap: Jennifer and Daniel(le), several hours ago, with a song whose title Gubba couldn't pronounce; Sam and Alexandra trying to clear the low bar that Mark Rhodes set last week; Rosemary fulfilling all of the Inspirational Older Lady tropes in one fell swoop, right down to not actually being that great; Laila definitely not being Inspirational, but still being surprisingly entertaining; Sébastien doing something that I have decided to call "free-icing" (mmm, free icing); Chico doing whatever it is that Chico does; Corey doing the Dancing On Ice equivalent of turning up to an exam having done no revision and indeed not attended any of the classes, and finally Matthew possibly being the Ringiest Ringer That Ever Rang, even though this is technically a woman's year to win.

Phil reminds us that last week we had a SURPRISING SKATE-OFF, and how that means it is of serious importance that we vote. Christine reminds us to tune back in for the skate-off later, and Phil forgets what Wild At Heart is called. Heh. Someone's getting a stern phone call from the top brass at ITV in the next hour.

The Skate-Off

Tonight's eight couples are lined-up on the ice, while Phil reminds us that one couple is about to go home, for it is indeed The Skate-Off, as you might have spotted from the bold lettering up there.

Post-titles, Phil welcomes back everyone who isn't currently one-third of the way through a gripping episode of Sherlock and airing their Jim Moriarty sex fantasies on Twitter (I definitely wasn't doing that, no sirree) [I was watching the wrestling on Challenge - Carrie], and Christine tells us that someone's adventure will end this evening. The lines are still open, Phil tells us, so we get a quick recap of everyone's vote number in case we want to chuck a bit of last-minute support their way.

Shall we have another recap of earlier? Oh, do let's: Katarina spotted Jennifer's dance background in her professional-looking movements, and backstage Jennifer is thrilled that Katarina thought she looked like a professional, adding "I must be a good actress, then, because I was terrified!" All right, love, don't get carried away. We also see her seeking the approval of her children, which is far too Gary Lucy an approach for my liking, so let's move on. Robin thought Sam looked very comfortable, if a little messy around the edges. Sam thinks it's lovely to have comments like that from an Olympic gold medallist, and then Mark turns up and kisses him on the cheek, but not in a gaywise fa--actually, that is pretty gay. Not that I'm complaining. Poor Rosemary's slip is focused on in her performance clip, so that Dance can remind us how glad he was that it happened and broke her fear. Rosemary was very encouraged by his comments, and feels there's room for improvement, but is glad they saw some strengths in her. Katarina thought Laila deserved a 10.0 for courage, but was singing more than skating. Laila says that skating when injured takes a lot of guts. Dance notes that it's been a hot night considering two OAPs were involved.

Katarina liked Sébastien's experimentation and daring, and he's very pleased about that, and promises to bring more fresh and new stuff to dazzle us with next week. Dance liked Chico's speed and precision, but wanted more excitement. Chico is thrilled to have got such a high score having originally not even been in the competition. Christine and Phil discuss how Chico is easily overlooked because of his jokey personality, but agree he's a contender. Robin liked the attention Corey paid to Brooke, and Corey says that he fully anticipates being in the skate-off unless everyone really pities him. Basically, whatever happens, Corey's dignity (or what remains of it) is not getting out of this evening alive. Katarina definitely did not think Matthew was sexy, and Matthew was pleased to top the leaderboard and loving the whole experience. Jayne thinks tonight was all about the guys, and that Matthew gave a fantastic end to the evening.

Phil declares the lines officially closed, and reminds us of what's about to happen. Christine's over with the ice panel, and asks Robin how things are shaping up now we've seen everyone skate. Robin thinks tonight is really "rocking it", and thinks the men have really challenged the ladies of last week. Dance thinks the biggest surprise of the evening was definitely Chico, who really attacked the choreography with speed and almost had the complete package. Katarina says that towards the end, things got so steamy that she could only find high numbers on her pad. However much they're paying Katarina, it's not enough. Phil sends us to the break without even declaring anyone safe yet. Blimey.

Afterwards, Phil welcomes us back, and with a touch of his ear, brings us the results. In no particular, the following couples are safe and skating next week: Rosemary and Mark, Matthew and Nina, Jennifer and Dan, Chico and Jodeyne (the audience had just been hollering his name at this point, so it's safe to say they're quite chuffed), Sébastien and Brianne, and Sam and Alexandra. This leaves Corey and Brooke and Laila and Lukasz in the skate-off, meaning that the bottom two couples with the judges are the ones facing elimination, and that we're unlikely to get another SHOCK EXIT to be discussed at length next week. Corey looks grimly accepting of the news, Laila looks PISSED OFF.

Christine is lurking backstage, and asks Corey how he's feeling. Corey says that he's "pretty relaxed" and then giggles. He says he's feeling better than the main show, so this should be fun. Brooke hopes to have a good time and give it one last go. Laila says that she will give it a go, and titters. Lukasz says he is proud of her for going so far with her injury. Christine wishes them both luck, and sends Laila and Lukasz out for the first of tonight's skate-off reprisals.

Laila's loud entourage cheers, and Laila delivers a fairly indifferent version of the routine. It's odd - we all knew she was only in it for the paycheck and probably didn't really care about the competition, and yet she still seems rather affronted by the public not voting for her. Mind you, I suppose it was always going to be hard being a BBC1 face on an ITV1 show and not even being the only Inspirational Older Woman in the cast. It ends, and they head over to the kiss and cry. Phil asks Laila if the look on her face is one of disappointment or relief, and Laila says it's both. Phil asks again if she's disappointed, and Laila, arms crossed, says "not really, no". Heh. SURLY. Chris says that he felt the singing was a lot more passionate this time, and Laila says "I never bothered!" (She did, I saw her.)

Time for Corey and Brooke to return. He's giving it even more performance energy this time, though his skating is still questionable, and he fumbles the part where she slides between his legs again. Poor Brooke. I really don't envy her in those lifts at all. It's the sort of skate-off performance that probably would've seen them eliminated against anyone else, but...Laila barely even turned up for hers, so let's see. Phil scolds Corey at the kiss and cry for not taking his bow out there, so Brooke takes an extra big bow for both of them. Heh. Corey says that he thinks his body's pretty tired by now. Jayne says it was "another consistent performance". Well, quite.

Both couples are sent back out to face the Ice Panel. Dance says he's going for the strongest overall performance in the skate-off, so he votes to save Corey. Katarina says that truthfully, for the sake of Laila's health, she's going for Corey as well. So Corey's back next week whatever happens - and he's got Robin's vote too, though Robin does say that he admires Laila's courage for having a go.

Phil asks Laila if she disagrees that her health is a concern, and Laila does. Phil thanks Lukasz for sacrificing his dignity for the second year in a row. Poor Lukasz. He seems so nice, when's he going to get a break, eh? By which I mean a lucky break, not the sort of break that Sylvain or Chesney had. Phil tells Laila to look after that shoulder as she's given her flowers, and Laila replies "I will" a tad frostily.

Next week it's Movie Night, and 13 stars will compete together for the very first time. And it's Carrie's responsibility to guide you through that one! Will it be a blockbuster, or will it be The Human Centipede 3? We'll find out soon enough. Laila and Lukasz head out for their lap of honour, and that's it. See you next week!

All hail Katarina Witt, the queen of Dancing on Ice. Oh, and someone left

2012-01-09T02:18:00.001Z

Show 1
Tx: Sunday 8th January 2012

Hello all! Welcome to Bitching on Ice 2012. We're back for another series of vaguely famous people in sequins, lots of bitching, tears (mostly from Karen), Jayne Torvill being awesome, Christopher Dean being snide and patronising, and the occasional decent routine.

Prior to this series, we've had lots of on-ice injuries, with Keith Chegwin smashing his ribs up and Chesney Hawkes breaking his leg (and lumbering us with FUCKING CHICO, but getting a sparkly black cast out of it). Still, we have 15 contenders in good enough shape to compete, and we have 15 professionals partnering them. Hooray!

The race is on. Cue the titles!

We open with a Torvill and Dean-led professional routine to Lady Gaga's Edge of Glory, accompanied by some gymnasts in a chandelier hanging from the rafters. No, really. The ladyskaters are in big crinoline-style skirts, which get torn off in Bucks Fizz fashion. Lovely Matt is shirtless already. Matt, my love, keep your powder dry - where will we go if you're shirtless in week one? [*ponders this for a while, then goes for a lie down* - Steve] Tease us a bit! Don't give us the good stuff right away. Sean throws Jodeyne around, which is always brilliant, then all the menfolk throw Jayne around for a bit, reminding us of the epic week in which Chris was off sick and Jayne got to skate with all the boys and LOVED it. At the end there is fire juggling and pyro-flying and fireworks coming out of people's arses and all sorts of fun. Eat that, Strictly with your park benches and Russell Grant glitter cannons! Welcome back, Dancing on Ice!

So all is business as usual, right? Well, no, not exactly. Most importantly, there is no more Girl With The Perfect Smile looking for a fake boyfriend with her fake teeth.

We still have a Phil, of course, because this show could not exist without him; but rather than a Holly we now have a Christine Bleakley, fresh from her triumph as presenter of Daybreak. She's also one of the blandest, dullest Strictly contestants in history, so this should stand her in good stead for doing the incisive interviews with judges post-scoring. Tonight she is covered in so much dark eyeshadow that it looks like she did her make-up in a coal scuttle, and unfortunately also makes her look cross-eyed. Bad luck, Christine! Try not to take your sartorial advice from Tess Daly in future!

So who are our skating stars? Well, there's Sugababe Heidi Range with MY ANDREI! There's Coronation Street's Andy Whyment with Vicky Ogden; Dallas's Charlene Tilton with Matthew Gonzalez; Sam Nixon and Alexandra Schulman; Mark Rhodes with Frankie; EastEnders' Laila Morse and Lukasz Rozycki; Blue Peter's Andy Akinwolere and Maria Filippov; beyond description Jennifer Ellison and Daniel Whiston; Emmerdale's Matthew Wolfenden and Nina Ulanova; diet expert Rosemary Conley and Mark Hanretty; the founder of free running Sebastien Foucan and Brianne Delcourt; Hollyoaks' Jorgie Porter and Matt Evers; Chico and Jodeyne Higgins; skier Chemmy Alcott and Sean Rice; actor Corey Feldman and Brooke Castile.

Hooray! Jayne and Chris talk about all the breakages, including an injury to the beauteous Sylvain Longchambon (which did bring my Andrei back, so I shan't complain too hard). "It's a great cast," says Chris, possibly referring to the sparkly one that Chesney has. He promises us the best and most entertaining series to date. Jayne says the celebrities will not be able to hide any weaknesses in their skating, implying that previously they have been able to. Surely that is not casting aspersions on the ability of previous judging panels to note technical skating ability? [Well, before they could always hope that they messed up somewhere that was not right in front of Bunton. - Steve]

Well, yes, it probably is. We have a revamped ice panel now, though, and it is amazing. We've waved farewell to Emma Bunton, who realised that she was utterly superfluous. We've also waved farewell to Jason Gardiner, who is probably claiming that he wants to spend more time with his hair plugs, but who I secretly believe to have been the justified victim of a covert plot by Karen, eager to prove exactly who is more important to the show out of the two of them after last series' indignities.

So who do we have on our judging panel? Well, we head over to Robin Cousins's library to find out, where he is standing pensively, awaiting his new colleagues. First of all, Katarina Witt arrives ("one of the all-time greats," says Robin - too fucking right), to which I begin to screech, "That's Katarina fucking WITT!" at poor Steve. [It's true, she did. - Steve] She looks amazing, because she is amazing. Then Louie Spence turns up, about which I am significantly less excited. He purses his lips and shows us that he is going to be the Nasty Gay Judge. He also informs us, "I am DANCE," at which point we decide that we will therefore refer to him as "Dance" from this point onwards.

Robin tells Christine he is hoping to see some great performances, and the celebrities have to be dynamic and connect immediately with the audience. Dance says Christine is looking breathtakingly stunning, and then faffs about being the performance and choreographic judge, and wanting to see neverending performance. Katarina says she will look out for whatever is left after the boys have finished their judging, and she thinks it is great that the UK has a skating show. Bless her. She's not seen this before, has she? [I love that she starts as she means to go on - with a faint air of disdain for everything about this show. - Steve]

So Heidi and Andrei are first up. She tells us she is "probably" best known for being in the Sugababes. What ELSE is she known for? [Leaving Atomic Kitten before they got famous? - Steve] She's quite a scaredycat and screeches, but that might be because Chris is holding on to her. When Sylvain shows up, she looks much happier. You would be, admit it. They try to do some lifts and Heidi panics because it feels like take-off in a plane. Because she's such a wimp, they practise for FOUR DAYS off the ice. Everyone from the entire cast is standing rinkside when they return, all the better to see Sylvain rupture his bicep. Andrei arrives in a big car with a hold-all, skates on to the rink and reassures Heidi all the way through, informing the camera that he is very proud of her. I love Andrei so much. He's too good for this show.

They're skating to Katy Perry's ET. Heidi looks a bit like a robot rather than an extra-terrestrial. Maybe a Fembot from Austin Powers, with that crazy-big beehive. She's clearly nervous, with a smile plastered on, and as always the pro's effort to skate slower is noticeable. It's fine. Just a bit...blah. Scores - Dance 4.5, Robin 4.5, Katarina 3.5 for a total of 12.5. Heidi wibbles about enjoying it but being nervous, and then says she is lucky because she's got to skate for two amazing men. Andrei says Heidi has done brilliantly, and then adds that he wishes a quick recovery to Sylvain, because he is adorable. (Both of them are adorable, actually.)

There then begins a piece of Dancing on Ice history revisionism, where Phil and Chris talk about partner changes never having happened before. Sorry, but did someone forget series one, when David Seaman broke Pam, and had to have Natalia for a week? He dropped her, for goodness' sake, how can you forget that? Look, here it is:

Poor David. Last series they tried to wipe the memory of his headbanger; this series they're removing the memory of his partnerswap. Soon, Frankie will have nobody there when she goes home at all, because he'll have been erased from existence. [Just like her surname. - Steve]

Anyway, Robin says it was a very challenging week for Heidi, and it's tough to rely on a partner. Katarina nods, and tells Heidi that if there is one thing to trust a Russian man to do, it is to catch you. HA! Dance says that Heidi has good musicality, but she needs to extend her lines more.

Next is Mark Rhodes and Frankie. He tells us that he is best known for being one half of Sam and Mark. He does not want Sam to beat him. In the basic skills test, Jayne pulls her awesome schoolteacher face as Mark completely fucks everything up. Frankie will not stand for this kind of uselessness. She says it will take all of her experience to get him to the kind of standard she needs him to be at. Karen is there too, and gives him some kind of skinned mammal to carry. Excellent training techniques! None of them seem to work, though, because in the dress rehearsal his legs turn to jelly and Frankie falls. He says he hopes that won't happen on the night. I suppose she probably does too.

They're skating to I'm Still Standing (all hail the blessed memory of St Jill of Halfpenny and the BEST JIVE EVER). This basically looks a bit like a couple of kids on a date at the ice disco, where the girl is much, much better than her slightly pathetic boyfriend, but is trying not to show him up too much because of the pitifully fragile nature of the male ego. She's always ever so slightly in front of him, and every time he has to perform a skating move he looks terrified. Still, he throws in some fistpumping and gurning, so that's good, right? Scores - Dance 2.0, Robin 3.0, Katarina 3.0 for a total of 8.0. Mark is pleased because he did not drop Frankie. She says that Mark started from absolute zero, which causes much hilarity all round. Jayne says Mark has made a big improvement. Sheesh.

Dance says Mark has a winning smile, but choreographically it was remedial dad-dancing, dependent on Frankie going round the ice. She is basically the Ola Jordan equivalent now. Dance then says not to blow him kisses, but to actually kiss him, and Mark offers to snog him for more marks. Slut. Robin questions whether there is enough time for Mark to get good, and tells him to stop mugging. Katarina is open-mouthed, but finally manages to say that she got a kick out of the performance but wanted to push him along the ice so that he would actually move with some kind of velocity.

Next, Charlene and Matthew. She used to play Lucy Ewing on Dallas, and thinks it is scary to learn to skate when you are 150 years old. However, she would like a backside like Jayne's, and so that is why she is doing this show. She tells us that her fiance died last year, so she knows she has to make the most of every opportunity, and then she starts to cry. This is sad. She gets to skate with Matthew, which seems to please her, and she wants to win, except she doesn't want to do any lifts or choreography. That seems...a flawed plan, at the least.

They're skating to Guilty, and Charlene begins by skating by herself, which is brave. Her hands look pretty good throughout, and although she's a little tense in the lifts, they work quite well. There are a few wobbles, but largely, this is nice and lyrical with a lot of shiny lights. Scores - Dance 4.5, Robin 4.0 and Katarina 4.5 for a total of 13.0. Charlene says she is shaking like a leaf but she did enjoy the skating, although she did threaten to quit on the first day when she was given her choreography.

Katarina says she is amazed that someone who is 150 years old looks so comfortable on the ice. Oh, Katarina, you win at life. She suggests that they work more as a couple rather than Charlene skating off by herself. Robin admires her solo work and says she will be a few people's guilty pleasures over the next few weeks - his included. Dance says that the routine was packed and punchy, and then begins to screech about BARBRA, DARLING!

Jorgie and Matt next. She says she is best known for being a McQueen in Hollyoaks. In the skills test, she skates fast but then realises she doesn't know how to stop, and muses on the headbanger, "That's really close to my teeth." She's...not the sharpest blade on the rink, is she? Still, she's got Lovely Matt as a partner - he brings her a bouquet to say hello. [MARRY ME LOVELY MATT. - Steve] Cute. He says she is a sponge. Fnar! Jayne and Chris are worried that Jorgie and Matt do too many tricks and lifts, and not enough skating. You guys saw series one, right? When Matt partnered Bonnie and she didn't put a sodding skate on the ice at all? Anyway, this time round they have a slow routine, so no place for tricksy things.

They're skating to Skinny Love, and Jorgie looks like a pretty little pixie - elegant in the lifts, good arms, and good speed across the rink. Still, as Gubba informs us, she went to ballet school, so that would explain the good lines. Marks: Dance 6.0, Robin 6.5 and Katarina 6.0 for a total of 18.5. Jorgie immediately tells Phil that she doesn't remember a thing about it. Jayne says Jorgie is a beautiful, gorgeous ballerina, and Robin thinks it was one of if not the strongest opening routines in any series. He says it was a rather breathtaking duet and he cannot wait to see what they do in the next few weeks. Dance notes her classical training, and suggests putting some eye contact in for future routines. Katarina says that Jorgie is the whole package already, and she has added a spark of magic to the night.

Quick montage of next week's celebs - Matthew Wolfenden is aggressive, competitive and used to be a gymnast (RINGER ALERT!); Jennifer Ellison is a little bit in love with Dan; Rosemary Conley is adorably excited to be fulfilling her dream; Sam Nixon is finding muscles he never knew he had; Sebastien Foucan tries to do free-running on the ice and fails; Laila Morse notes that Torvill and Dean are "really good skaters"; FUCKING Chico has replaced Chesney and informs us that he is his own biggest competition, and when everything else fails, personality prevails - oh, just FUCK OFF; Corey Feldman has a weird hair-extension bit hanging into his face and generally seems a bit odd.

Rinkside, Matthew tries to be humble and says he is looking forward to it. Laila on the other hand is not looking forward to it at all. Chico tells us he's FORTY, you know, dear, I said I'm FORTY YEARS OLD, dear! Sebastien says skating is harder than he thought. Sam is proud of Mark. Rosemary is beaming about what a privilege it is to be skating and then thanks everyone again. Corey says he is going to wear a Jorgie mask - whatever works for you, dude. Jenny Elly says that she's rubbish. Well, next week sounds like a bundle of laughs, doesn't it?

Christine is over with Karen and the Class of 2012, who are apparently a very supportive group with a high standard of performance and technique. Karen reminds us how difficult and dangerous it is to dance ON ICE. Christine starts to interview Mark, who suddenly stands up, saying that it's really rude to be sitting down while she's talking to him. Heh. Andy W gets his bum pinched. Dan is laughing rather too hard to be an innocent party to this.

Next, Chemmy and Sean. She is brave and awesome. A year ago, she shattered her leg in a skiing accident, and that gives the show the chance to air footage of her crashing and being airlifted off the slope. Thanks for that, show. You couldn't have just described that to us, of course. Unsurprisingly, as they move into training, she gets nervous about jumping and although she can see that it's not dangerous to do the jump on ice, her body won't let her do it. Sean says that it's an honour to help her through this; Chris very helpfully says that she has to "put her fears aside". Whatever, Dean. I'm fairly sure you'd find it daunting too if you ever had an injury as bad as that.

They're skating to Raise Your Glass, and Chemmy is selling this like a pro - impressively so for someone whose face is usually buried under goggles and thermals. [And doubly impressive for how utterly moronic the choreography was. - Steve] It's fast, it's exciting, it's nicely done, and they are having fun. Sean's trousers are horrid, though. Scores - Dance 4.5, Robin 5.5 and Katarina 6.0 for a total of 16.0. Phil decides this is an appropriate opportunity to ask Chemmy about the footage of her accident, which she's never seen and doesn't want to; and then asks her if she feels it's a bit weird that everyone else has seen it, to which she says yes, and apologises to everyone. Aw. She agrees that skating is a physical and a psychological rehab for her, and says she keeps crying like a girl. Sean says that Chemmy always gives 1000 per cent. Take that, Lord Alan and your lame-ass 110%ers!

Katarina does some bonding with Chemmy over their shared athleteness and the awfulness of getting an injury, and tells her that she is an "explosion of excitement". Robin says it is good to see such power and speed across the ice, and praises her charisma. Dance says there was not much finesse or poise, but there was an explosion and it was exciting to watch.

Andy A and Maria are next. Chris tells us that Andy is not finessed, but he is fast across the ice. Maria is impressed by his naturalness on the rink, and thinks he has "rhythm inside him". Over-exuberant rehearsals lead to him crashing to the floor and hurting himself. Well, that's not smart.

They're skating to Moves Like Jagger, which begins with some horrid head choreography (I see what they're doing with it, seriously, but it just looks awful). He does seem to be a moderately good dancer and there is speed across the ice, but the lifts are clunky. Gubba, of course, invokes the "natural rhythm" meme. Ugh. Scores - Dance 3.5, Robin 5.0 and Katarina 5.5 for a total of 14.0. Andy shrieks about everything being brilliant and nailing everything, and then says that watching Maria skate is like watching a bird fly. Jayne praises Andy's natural skating ability and thanks him for not dropping Maria. Dance criticises him for being too floppy and not having enough control over his limbs. Katarina urges him to stay floppy, and then begins to dance in her chair, telling him she likes what he does. Robin says he looked after his partner well and was in complete control of the tricks.

Our last couple of the evening are Andy W and Vicky. He spends rehearsals being comic relief, and Chris concludes that "he can't skate". Optimistic words, there. This is Vicky's first year on the show, so she's lumbered with poor Andy who thinks he's rubbish. She disagrees, and tells him she's doing really well. With her help and the work of the coaches, Andy begins to progress, and impresses Chris and Jayne on their next meeting. Take THAT, Dean!

They're skating to Walk This Way, and I'm very taken with Vicky's sparkly leotard and plethora of hair extensions. This is an utterly ridiculous routine, with too much waving of hands in the air like one just doesn't care, and too much open-mouthed gurning from Andy, but it's quite good fun, and much better than one would have expected from that pre-skate VT. Scores - 4.0s all round for a 12.0. Andy is very happy indeed with that. He says he really enjoyed it and it was the best thing he's ever done by far. Chris says Andy had no basic skills, and he has come a long way. Robin says some of it was wrong "on so many levels" but he loved it none the less. Katarina says Andy has much more potential, and Dance says there were strong arms and it made him smile.

So everyone goes away happy from this first two-hour show. Jayne is proud of everyone, and then Chris talks over her, as he typically does, to say he wants to do that show again rather than go on to the results show. Anyway, Jorgie and Matt are at the top of the leaderboard, with Mark and Frankie at the bottom, and Katarina is the champion of everything. So who will be safe, and who will be skating off? The lines are now open, and we'll find out in the results show who'll be hanging up their skates!

Results show

So earlier tonight, seven couples skated, and now one has to leave. The lines have closed - there is a big graphic beamed on to the ice to prove it - and the scores are now being combined.

In the meantime, let's do the hot backstage action thing! Heidi was courageous and skated first, but needs to trust her Russian man more. She says some things to camera and I have no idea what they are. Sam did dad-dancing with no strength or power, but doesn't care because he feels like he was at the Olympics. Charlene will be a guilty pleasure for people, said Robin. Jorgie was breathtaking and the best one EVER, and Matt thinks that is incredible. Chemmy was exciting to watch, and she is happy to get a compliment from Dance because she has had no dance training ever. Andy A was floppy and Katarina liked it, and he and Maria muse that maybe Dance is JUS JELUS of him. Dance snarks that we must all get used to his epic, special style of judging. Robin said Andy W has a competitive skater inside him (fnar), which seems to have really pleased him. Chris gets to sum up the evening's action: Jorgie shone, Chemmy had energy, Andy W had character, and he was smiling. Well, that's the important thing, Chris. As long as you're happy.

Christine's with the judges. Robin says the standard overall is terrific so far, with power, speed, beauty and comedy, and collectively it's the girls' night. Dance says that the stand-out performance was Chemmy, who he thinks will be the dark horse, and proceeds to shimmy some more. Katarina says to be a memorable skater you need technique and performance, and for her tonight that was Jorgie, who has now raised the bar for herself as well as everyone else.

Time for some results? Then TOUCH YOUR EAR AND THEY SHALL ARRIVE. Our safe couples are: Andy W and Vicky; Charlene and Matthew; Jorgie and Matt; Chemmy and Sean (who shouts, "YES!"); and then we have to go to a break, because this show is nothing if not predictable...and when we return, we learn that the fifth couple safe is Mark and Frankie.

That leaves us with Heidi and MY POOR ANDREI in the skate-off with Andy A and Maria. We now have a lovely segment where Christine stands in the middle of the two skating-off couples and talks platitudes at them. Maria tells Andy to smile and enjoy it; Heidi smiles wistfully when reminiscing about her "turbulent few weeks", and says although she is gutted she will enjoy it. Andrei tells her to do her best, because he is nothing if not a good boy scout.

So they reprise their routines, Heidi and Andrei first, of course. When she heads over to the kiss-and-cry grott, she says she is nervous and didn't think she skated as well as she did the first time, and Jayne and Chris jump in to tell her she's an idiot and she skated much better just then. Andy and Maria follow, and I decide I actually really like their routine - it's fun and nifty and tricksy, annoying as the song is. Andy says he loves the song (of course) and the routine, and Chris jumps in to mock the dancing. Didn't you choreograph this, dude?

Time for the ice panel's verdict. Who will they save? Dance saves Heidi for being more refined and polished. Katarina thinks Heidi was better second time, but found Andy more impressive for keeping the rhythm and skating and dancing quickly, so saves him. It's down to Head Judge Robin - who likes a little suga with his babe, and saves Heidi. Oh, Robin. You've got an Olympic gold medal. That it should come to lame Sugababes puns!

So my Andrei lives to skate another day, and Andy weeps. Phil attempts to do some macho comforting. Chris and Jayne do sadfaces and hand over the flowers to Andy and Maria (out on week one for the second series running, poor her). Phil thanks the judges, the coaches, and Torvill and Dean, and then warns us that next week, when the remaining eight celebrities skate, Pixie Lott will be on the show. Fortunately Steve will have to recap that. [CURSES. - Steve] Join him then!

Sam as it ever was

2011-03-27T19:41:00.000+01:00

2011 Final: 27th March 2011

We begin with black-and-white toned reminiscences of all the people who have appeared in the show this year. As always when reality shows do this, it's a bit unnerving; they're not dead, after all, they've just been eliminated from a fairly silly reality show about figure-skating. At least this show mixes things up a bit by including contestants who are still active in the competition at this stage. And it was quite helpful to have a prompt that people like Craig McLachlan and Elen Rives were ever actually on this series. Or WERE THEY? I forget where the official cut-off point actually was, considering we were in limbo for two weeks. Anyway, we start the show as we mean to go on: lying, as the voiceover man claims that there were 16 celebrities this year. I mean, if we count FRANKIE!, Dan, and Lovely Matt as about eight celebrities between them, the numbers might work. Barely. Anyway, people skated, people fell, there were pointless twists, there was pointless Bunton, and now there are just three couples remaining, and the judges insist that anyone can win. Only two can skate Bolero, and only one can be champion. Coincidentally, Sam is the next person to get a talking head after this comment. Conspiracy theorists, make what you will of that.

Titles, for the final time. The rink is covered in ribbons, and then rock music starts playing, with violins and whatnot courtesy of David Garrett (who is apparently famous, but then this is the same show that tried to convince me that Laura Hamilton was famous, so *shrugs*), as all the pros and a few more besides skate out of a circle to reveal Jayne and Chris, who then perform a Bolero. Because you may not realise this, but they did Bolero? At the Olympics? And got a medal or something? The details are a bit sketchy in my mind. If only the show would remind us occasionally, I might recall it more easily. It is actually pretty awesome seeing all the pros echoing them in their movements, and just seeing how fantastically flexible Jayne still is. I mean, I can't do a backbend like that now, ON ICE or otherwise. It ends with the classic lying-down-on-the-floor movement, echoed by the pros and the random extras.

Finally, we have Phil and Holly. Holly's looking lovely in red tonight, and is approximately twenty billion months pregnant by now. Phil claims that Jayne and Chris "defined the Bolero" (I think Ravel might have something to say about that) and tells us that we can download that special version of Bolero for free on the website. I'll pass, thanks. Holly explains the programme for tonight - each couple will reprise a favourite routine, and perform a routine they've choreographed themselves, and of course two will get to Bolero. [The verb 'to Bolero'. They will conjugate it. - Carrie]

Time for the skating stars: Sam and Brianne are up first, followed by Laura and Colin, and finally Chloe and Michael. Chloe is in pink. I fear for her chances. I think Chloe winks at the camera. This really is getting to be an infectious habit. Phil tells us that the competition to decide who'll be champion will begin...after the break, naturally.

When we return, it's time for the stars to perform their showcase routines. Holly asks Jayne and Chris how much pressure this adds. Jayne says that this is the first time it's been done on the show, and the celebs have had to come up with their own concept, lighting, props etc for their routine. I hope Sam's designed himself an all-hat dance. Phil warns us that there will be three headbangers in this performance. This presumably does not include the number of times I will be bashing my head on the coffee table in frustration at the idiocy of the show.

Sam's up first, and thinks it's "incredible" that he's in the final, and not at all something that has been predetermined for about six years. They've got 'Footloose' for their music, and Chris says that they'll need to bring out a sense of fun with this music. We see Sam doing his lighting design ("spotlight, spotlight, spotlight" - no seriously, this is fascinating stuff), costume design and choreography, assisted by Jayne and Chris on the last one. Sam has a lift where he has to lift two pros at once - and he tumbles in rehearsals, as was well-documented during the week. Sam struggles with his rib injury even in the dress rehearsal, but vows not to let it get the better of him. Cue more shots of him getting physiotherapy from unflattering angles. Poor Sam.

He begins with the track blasting out from his headphones, before putting his retro walkman in his locker and pounding out the bassline on it, which is copied by the five pros sitting at desks in the corner: Brianne, of course, as well as Dan, Lovely Matt (hooray!), FRANKIE! and Nina. Was the pro allocation entirely random? Because Sam appears to have conveniently landed himself the pick of the bunch. There's some general '80s crazy-dancing, and then Sam and Lovely Matt swing Brianne between them in an aeroplane lift. Then there are some float spins, where the girls are passed from guy to guy (perhaps another move that they all rehearse in their sex lives?). Then there's the infamous two-pro lift, where Sam carts Brianne on his shoulders while also lifting Nina, and it is is entirely underwhelming - it takes place at about 0mph and the camera barely manages to catch it before Nina has to step out of it. Then there are three consecutive headbangers, with Brianne STILL having to pound the ice with her arm to prevent brain-smashing death. Scores: Jason 9.5, Robin 10.0, Emma 10.0 for a total of 29.5. Brianne goes insane. Phil celebrates the arrival of the first ever tens on this show. Sam is asked about the condition of his ribs, and assures us that they're fine now he's seen the scores. Brianne calls him a trouper. Phil asks Sam if he told the other skaters about those headbangers. I imagine he would have to have done that at some point, Phil, yes.

Robin says they've been waiting week after week for the charismatic Sam to show up, and he showed up in abundance tonight. He thought that Sam was very much the leader of a great ensemble, and he saved the best for last. Bunto loved that Sam showcased himself as a performer, and was more fun and expressive than ever. Dr Bunton MD goes on to suggest that the pain from his ribs was pushing him through tonight. Jason thought it was a "feisty" opening and loved the choreography and the way Sam worked with the pro skaters. The reason he didn't get a full 10.0 was because the counterlever lift didn't move around fast enough, but he thinks it was a wonderful opening.

Laura and Colin are next. Colin is shirtless. Oh my. Chris recalls how Laura lit up the ice in her solo last week. Laura's excited about her showcase, and has chosen 'Express Yourself' by Madonna (or 'Born This Way' by Lady Gaga, as it's now known) and is using the video for her inspiration. We see Laura doing her backstage planning, which is every bit as fascinating as when we saw Sam doing it. Laura says that this is a massive responsibility, and there's a lot on her shoulder. She's worried about having to do a backflip over Sylvain (SYLVAIN!!) because she's not used to skating with him, and he's taller than Colin.

The opening of the routine is porntastic, with shirtless men pounding pistons and steam coming out and stuff. I need a cigarette. I think Laura should win automatically for giving us shirtless Sylvain, quite frankly. She's skating with Sylvain, Maria, Isabelle and Mark, as well as Colin. Her routine involves a lot more of all the skaters working together as a team, which I like, but it's not as spectacular as Sam's. Laura manages her backflip over Sylvain, but it's a bit unsteady. From there, there are more lifts and floats, although to be perfectly frank, this all takes a backseat to the toplessness.

Gubba tells us that the topless skating was all Laura's idea, to give the ladies (and the gays) a treat. Thanks, Laura! You've got my vote. [Mine too! I suddenly like Laura much more. - Carrie] Scores: Jason 8.5, Robin 8.5, Emma 9.0 for a total of 26.0. Laura says she really enjoyed the routine, and thanks all the other pros for their hard week. She thinks the backflip went well. Colin hopes they'll be skating the Bolero, but they had a lot of fun either way. Chris says that it's all down the public to decide who goes through, and who knows what will happen?

Holly asks Bunto the Human Hormone if she could concentrate at all throughout the performance. The answer is, of course, no. She thinks it was missing the sexy Madonna feel, which is why she couldn't give it a ten, but she loved the backflip. Jason felt that it wasn't as engaging as he hoped for, and feels that while the shirtless men were very nice, they didn't wholly detract from how laboured it felt. Robin agrees - there was too much concentrating on getting to the right place at the right time, and as a result it lacked spontaneity.

Phil reminds us that the judges' scores are "only for guidance" tonight, and if anyone out there is genuinely guided by Bunton's opinion, I worry deeply about them.

Time for an ad break. Confused.com really need a commercial that makes them look like an insurance comparison engine and not a dating agency for people who haven't pinned down their sexuality one way or the other yet.

When we return, Phil and Holly reminisce about the joys of this series (such as they were) and tease Jason more about his hat and his well-publicised hair transplant before we go to Chloe and her showcase. Chloe's opinion on last week is as follows: "GUH." I think that says it all. She says that being in the skate-off was terrifying, but at least she made it to the final. She's very excited about her final showcase, and her music is the Glee version of '(I've Had) The Time Of My Life'. We see her picking costumes and planning lighting (YAWN) and then we get to see her skating team, who are all people I have NEVER SEEN BEFORE. Okay, fine, we have, but compared to Sam's team, Chloe's line-up is basically all people who started this series and lasted about two weeks. She's got Sean, Lukasz, Alexandra and Jodeyne (I could've sworn Jodeyne was a brunette, until my boyfriend pointed out that I was confusing her with Isabelle - such an impact this lot have left on me). Chloe says that it's all very challenging as she's got some great skaters on the ice with her, and she panics a bit at learning all the moves. She doesn't want to be the one holding everyone back, though apparently she is. She's determined not to show herself up after last week.

As is to be expected with this music, it begins with a lot of poncing around on the kiss-and-cry, to the point where I distinctly remember feeling compelled to point out on Twitter that the show is not in fact called Dancing Near Ice. They go for the iconic Dirty Dancing lift, and it's not terribly successful because Chloe's legs are all wrong, and it's all a bit embarrassing. There's a point where there are three drape lifts all happening together, and it's a bit unfortunate because if you look at Jodeyne and Alexandra, you can clearly see Chloe's legs are not in the right position at all. It's a lot of Chloe being born aloft by the guys while the other two ladies skate behind her being all "shit, we'd better do something interesting, then", and a bunch of impressively gymnastic lifts, but despite the deployment of the emergency fireworks, it's probably the least impressive of the three showcases. Not nearly as polished as Sam's, not nearly as shirtless as Laura's. Scores: Jason 8.5, Robin 8.0, Emma 9.0 for a total of 25.5. Chloe tells Phil that she never expected to get this far, and she just wants to enjoy tonight as a big party. Works for me, although Phil points out there's a trophy at the end of the party that Sam and Laura have both set their caps at, so Chloe might want to, y'know, buck her ideas up a bit. Michael is asked for his opinion, and says he feels very fortunate to be in the final in his first year, and skate with Chloe. Jayne says that Chloe came to them with distinct ideas of basing the routine around the movie (no shit) and she thinks that really came off.

Jason says that it was an okay recreation of Dirty Dancing and she coped well, but when you're putting in iconic moves, you need to get them right, and Chloe...did not so much. He thinks that maybe she had too much fun, and that's why she was getting sloppy. Richard heckles from the audience. Robin says that Baby might not have been in the corner, but she wasn't where she needed to be for two of the big skating tricks tonight. He liked the neck spin, and thinks she looked like she was enjoying it, but she also looked like it wasn't quite all in order. Bunto thinks Chloe lights up the ice, and while there may have been some finesse missing, Dirty Dancing is a FEMALE RITE OF PASSAGE or some half-baked shit like that. Go home, Bunton.

Leaderboard: Sam, then Laura, then Chloe. Not exactly a massive shock. The lines are opened, and we get a quick reminder of everything that we've seen so far. Including Laura's Big Gay Shirtless Orgy. Sigh. The audience aren't quite ready for the end of the VT and don't start clapping until it's a bit too late. Oops.

After some more ads, it's almost time for the finalists to reprise their favourite routine of the series, but not before Phil's had a quick chat with BIGGINS, who will be a judge on the tour. Biggins says that he loved doing the tour last year, and has got some lovely hats to wear this year, but he doesn't know yet what's going to be going on under that hat. He thinks Chloe was undermarked tonight. And then Biggins is gone. Bye, Biggins!

The first skater to reprise a routine is Sam, who'll be doing his Riverdance for us again. He says that his legs went to jelly when he skated for the first time (presumably he does not mean as a child, when he used to go skating to impress the...girls) and he entered the competition to challenge himself, and not at all to try to claw back some semblance of fame after being axed from EastEnders. He speaks highly of Brianne, and says that they've had an amazing time together. ESPECIALLY ALL THE SEX. His favourite routine was Riverdance, because initially he thought it was a ridiculous idea (dear Sam: it was) but then he got wicked awesome scores for it. His VT also briefly revisits Hatgate, and he says that he tries not to take the judges' criticisms too personally. He's found it all to be a life-changing experience.

Out they come, and the routine is every bit as bizarre as it was the first time, though I guess I can't deny how impressive it is from a technical perspective. Beyond that, there's not a lot to say about it that hasn't already been said about it the first time around. It's possibly a bit cleaner and sharper this time, although there wasn't really much that needed to be done on that front in the first place. Gubba wonders if we are looking at perfection, and calls it Sam's "signature performance, like Hayley's 'Jai Ho'." Scores: Jason 9.5, Robin 9.5, Emma 9.5 for a total of 28.5. Phil asks Sam why he picked this routine, and Sam says that the idea of Riverdance on ice seemed "barbaric" to him at first, but he ended up loving everything about it. Brianne loves it too, and doesn't want the whole experience to end. Chris thinks Sam is on fire tonight, and thinks that Sam's rib incident has toned him down and make him more focused.

Robin says it was a much stronger performance than last time, and there's a comfort factor to seeing it now, but there were a few stutters at the beginning that stopped it from being perfect. Jason agrees, and says it was astounding first time around, and tonight Sam upped his marks, but they have to deduct for the stutters. Bunto's like "there were stutters? OH YES, THERE WERE STUTTERS. And charisma and performance and stuff."

Laura and Colin are next, and Laura appears to be rubbing her lucky penny. She reminds us that she almost didn't make it into the competition in the first place, so she's amazed to have got this far, and has been buzzing throughout the whole experience ever since. She says that the show and Colin have been her life. We revisit their many, many dress rehearsal snafus and how that drives Chris and Jayne nuts, but they always get it right on the night. Laura's favourite routine was the 'I'm So Excited' routine, because it was fast and full of tricks and got them 9.5s across the board. Her lowest point of the competition was when she gored her leg, and she laughs about the scar she now has as a permanent reminder. She thinks the show has proven to her that she can achieve incredible things if she pushes herself.

The opening is perhaps a tad sloppy, but Laura's energy in this routine is ridiculous - she's practically throwing herself into every move. She pulls off the flip over Colin without incident, and there appears to be a new lift thrown in, which rather frighteningly involves her dress completely covering Colin's face as he lifts her. It's a good choice of routine to reprise because it sums up Laura really well: fast, excitable, and generally loud. They finish with a helicopter lift where Colin lets go of her for a split second - it's not that exciting to watch, but I guess letting go for any longer than that would be seriously dangerous. Gubba thinks it looks faster and cleaner than when we first saw it, and informs me that the scary lift is apparently a "front Detroiter", although you never really know with Gubba. Scores: 10.0s all round for a perfect 30.0. Well, someone had to do it this series, didn't they? Laura jumps for joy and Colin grabs her into a hug. She says that she's speechless, and that Colin span her so fast her eyes started to water. Colin giggles that she was holding herself up very strong, and he was able to let go very quickly. Laura reminds us that she needs our votes to win. Jayne says she knew Colin was going to let go because she could see him getting faster and faster, and finishes "brave girl". Insert obligatory "don't talk about Colin like that" joke here. Chris thinks Laura is a consummate performer who gives 110%. Make sure you've checked off your Ice Bingo card.

Jason: "Laura, I have to say my darling, I take my hat off to you." And he does, and reveals his new head of hair, completely stealing her moment. Sneaky! I feel the hair itself deserves comment, but: it basically looks exactly like you'd expect a hair transplant to look. He says that she's just proven why she's in the competition, and that it was even better than it was three weeks ago. Robin does not have any new hair to debut, and mangles his words: "Everything I didn't like very much about the first routine, you brought it in buckets in this, young lady." I mean, I know what he was getting at, but...yeah. He thinks she engaged with the audience, and performed alongside Colin at his level.

Phil, tapping his head: "So that's what 20 grand looks like." Hee hee hee. Time for Chloe and Michael. Michael's got his tits out as well! I guess we know what's coming. Chloe says that having got this far is the most incredible feeling ever, and nothing can compare to it. She thinks it's overwhelming how the whole experience makes her feel. Her favourite routine was 'Kiss Kiss' because she got to pretend to be a belly dancer, and Michael was topless. Oh Chloe. Laura's pretty much blown you out of the water on that front tonight, and none of her shirtless hotties had pigeon chests. (No offence, Michael.) Her hardest week was semi-final week because she fell over - she wishes she could go back and do it over. Which, in a way, she did in the skate-off. She laughs at how many injuries she's given Michael over the course of the competition, and says that the competition has been the most exciting, terrifying and nerve-wracking experience of her life, and thinks it's the best thing she's ever done and will ever do. Yep, she even rates it ahead of Celebrity Quitters on Channel 5.

Her hair ends up all over her face at the beginning of the routine and remains there for a good thirty seconds or so, which is quite distracting. There are some nifty slides in the routine that I don't remember from the first time around, though some of the arm movements aren't quite as sharp. She does manage to remove her arms in the final lift, though thankfully Michael does not, because that would probably result in severe maiming of Madeley Jr. Scores: Jason 9.5, Robin 9.5, Emma 9.5 for a total of 28.5 - up four whole points from last time. It's Chloe's highest score of the competition, and she's thrilled. She recalls dancing to this song as a kid, and Phil asks her if she's done enough to get to Bolero. Chloe's all "um, sure, why not?" Chris says that Chloe has matured hugely to get to this point, and they're all very proud of her.

Bunto tells Chloe that tonight's performance was tighter and sharper than last time, and she's loved watching Chloe over the competition, and thinks she's developed the most over the competition. Robin thinks it was very tight, and says that the transitions were brilliant tonight. Karen's a bit weepy [SHOCKER! - Carrie], and says that it's been a fantastic final, with three amazing celeb skaters. She says this is the night she's glad she's not a judge. As opposed to Jason being glad she's not a judge, which is every night.

Leaderboard, not that it actually means anything: Sam in first with 58.0, Laura in second with 56.0, and Chloe in last place with 54.0. All very respectable scores, I'm sure you'll agree.

Time for an ad break once again, after which we shall discover who shall be skating BOLERO.

When we return, Phil declares the lines officially closed, and he and Holly reminisce about the general amazingness of the series, AGAIN, which culminates in a VT, of course. Bunto recalls the qualifying rounds where some people were booted early - like Angela Rippon, who returns to the ice with Sean Rice (ooh, that rhymes!) to skate to 'At Last' one final time. I'm still slightly sad that she didn't make it onto this show, I think she would've been quite fun. She deserved to be here more than Kerry fucking Katona, anyway. After her should be Nadia Sawalha, but is actually Craig McLachlan and Maria, who looks embarrassed to be reminded of her epic failure this year as they reprise their 'Sympathy For The Devil' routine. Next are Elen and Lukasz, and Elen is looking lovely tonight, and again I'm slightly disappointed we didn't get any of her temperamental craziness. So, what do we think about Nadia, then: couldn't be arsed to come back, or had a genuine excuse? Although "couldn't be arsed" is an entirely valid excuse where this show's concerned, and not coming back for the final is a grand tradition started by Samantha Mumba, after all. Then the VT moves onto week three, where Bunto patronises Steven Arnold a bit, and he returns with Nina to reprise 'Rhythm Of The Night' and look generally embarrassed throughout. I hope Nina gets someone good next year, assuming she survives the cull. Week four was the ice pick, of course - hands up everyone who forgot that even happened? Bunto lies that it was exciting, and then Dominic and Alexandra are back to perform 'Are You Ready For Love'. I kind of forgot he was ever on this show in the first place.

Next was Vegas week, of course, with the first SHOCK SKATE-OFF, as Jennifer faced off against Vanilla Ice. Karen thinks they had so much more to show. LIKE SYLVAIN'S CHEST, I add. Seriously, Jennifer Metcalfe was so robbed. They should give her a do-over and let her come back next year like Shangela on RuPaul's Drag Race, only without all the stank, and with fractionally better dress sense. Then was theatre week, which saw off Dave and FRANKIE!, much to the relief of Jason. They reprise 'Achy Breaky Heart', and mime a bit of mid-air rumpo in the middle of it, presumably of the kind that Sam and Brianne did when they were practising their lifts at home.

Then we had the Ultimate Skills Test, which of course saw the demise of Kerry Katona. They, unfortunately, are performing their terrifying 'No Business Like Show Business' routine for their encore. Kerry has Kameltona, and looks as unsteady on the ice as she ever did. From there, we went to Strictly Come Dancing week, where Vanilla Ice was eliminated. He is, of course, doing his 'Ice Ice Baby' routine tonight, because everyone on the show wet their pants at the very idea of it. I've quite missed Katie Stainsby, actually. I hope she's back next year. After that, we had Team Challenge week, which also featured Tim Healy having a scrap with Jason, much to Karen's joy. It also lamentably saw the demise of Denise and Lovely Matt. They're skating to 'Slow', appropriately enough, although part of me thinks they should've done 'Let's Get Loud' purely for the lulz. Then there was EVIL HAT WEEK, and naturally Jason took against people who dislike hats, and Sam ended up in the bottom two with Jeff, who ultimately got the boot. Jeff and Isabelle reprise 'Hit The Road Jack'. I am so glad Jeff didn't make the final. And finally, of course, there was semi-finals week, and Karen blubs that Johnson is her own personal champion because of how much he achieved despite all the physical limitations he had. He is also a HERO, but Karen stops short of reminding us of that. He and Jodeyne reprise 'You Are So Beautiful To Me'.

Nadia's absence remains unexplained at the end of the performance. There's a quick plug for the tour via a competition, and then Holly's with the judges for some final words. Robin says that all three have done very well tonight, and have done as much as they can. He refuses to be drawn on who should go through. Jason says that unlike all those other predictable finals, these three have been fighting right through to the end, and he's glad that the judges don't get the casting vote, because they all deserve to skate Bolero. No one cares what Bunto thinks, naturally.

Everyone's in their Bolero outfits (Laura's wearing a particularly unflattering shade of purple lipstick, which is odd because the shade that Chloe's wearing is actually quite nice), and Phil touches his ear, so you know it's srs bsns time. The first couple through to skate Bolero is...Sam and Brianne. The other couple definitely through to skate Bolero is...Laura and Colin. So Chloe and Michael finish in third, which is perhaps the right result, although I would've quite liked to see her giving Bolero a go. (Note to anyone who cares: you can see it on the official website. It's...interesting.) Phil says this is his least favourite bit of the whole series, when someone's all dressed for the routine and then they don't get to do it. Chloe says she's thrilled to have even got this far, and hopes they might be able to do Michael's Bolero on tour, because "it's a treat".

Highlights VT: Chloe screamed a lot in training, and subsequently blossomed INTO A WOMAN. She now lists Christopher Dean as a fan, and says that she'll be heartbroken when the show ends. Which, for her, is now. Judy is very proud of Chloe. Blub blub blub. Jayne and Chris bring Chloe and Michael their flowers, and Chloe says it's all been incredible fun, and she's totally jealous of everyone who's going to get to do it next year. Heh.

After the break? BOLERO.

We're back, and the lines are re-opened, the vote totals having been reset to zero (I'm never entirely sure how I feel about this - I suspect I will decide properly when I know the result).

Sam and Brianne are first to BOLERO. We see clips of Chris and Jayne's famous routine, naturally, and Sam and Brianne have to copy the start and end positions, but can make up the rest themselves. Sam says it's hard trying to find moves that fit with the music, and that the whole thing's like a jigsaw puzzle. As the week goes on, they're still struggling to finalise a routine that they like, and Sam says that being this close to the win, he has to give the performance of his life.

Their Bolero is tense, although Sam looks quite scared. I think he's going for "passionate", but it's not quite working. Brianne spends a lot of it on one leg, and the synchronicity between the two is impressive. There's a tabletop lift in there, and that weird death-dive thing where Brianne basically hovers above the ice on her arse while Sam keeps her suspended by one leg or something. It's a spiral of some kind, I think. Perhaps Carrie knows the technical name. Sam says that he's loved all the competition, but doing the Bolero was his aim. It's also, apparently, his nan and granddad's 40th wedding anniversary. Oh, calm down, Sam: you're clearly winning this thing. Grabbing furiously for any kind of audience hook at this stage is a bit pathetic.

Robin liked that it was about the emotion of the Bolero rather than finding an excuse to do lots of tricks. He thinks that Sam connected in a way that he didn't previously. Bunto thought it was intense, and she couldn't take her eyes off them. Jason thought it gave everything he was looking for in a Bolero, and particularly liked how they allowed the routine time to breathe, so the audience could enjoy it with them.

Adverts. The girl with the perfect smile picks a mate. Literally no one cares. [Oliver Tompsett, formerly star of Wicked, did - his tweets were lolarious, mostly because he seems to know the guy who got picked. And is married. And thus he was outraged that the girl with a perfect smile was all a big big scripted farce, unlike Dancing on Ice itself, obviously. - Carrie]

Time for Laura and Colin to do BOLERO. More clips of Jayne and Chris. Laura says it's very daunting knowing that they have to choreograph it by themselves. Colin admits that he's not a choreographer. This doesn't bode well. They seem to do a lot of skating around the rink and shrugging in rehearsals. This, basically, is where Laura loses the competition, because you just know that whatever she comes up with, it's not going to be enough to beat him. Laura says that she's really worried. Karen asks them what they're building up to. The answer seems to be "nothing". Laura says that having got this far, they have to perform from the heart, and they'd love it if their names were on the trophy.

They take to the ice to skate BOLERO. Colin winks at the camera. Dammit, Colin! Their interpretation of the opening is more traditional than Sam and Brianne's was. Laura is doing her SRS ACTING face. There is, of course, a backflip in there, because this is Laura. Their routine is less showy than Sam and Brianne's was, but I rather like its simplicity. It picks up significantly towards the end, with a brilliant step-up lift and a float spin, but Sam and Brianne's was superior, there's no escaping it. Laura says there was the added pressure of wanting Chris and Jayne to be proud of them. Colin says he grew up with Chris and Jayne's routine, which really does up the ante, but he's proud that they're dancing BOLERO because they nearly went out in the first week.

Jason thinks they've been brilliant throughout, but he thought their routine was slow to get going, and it lacked the choreographic finesse of Sam's. He thought it picked up a lot in the second half, though. Robin is glad she didn't go out in the first week. He thought the step-up lift was brilliant and loved the ending. Bunto liked the intensity of Laura without being "crazy lady" for once and thought it was great.

Quick recap. BOLERO. Then BOLERO. The end.

Adverts. No BOLERO here.

Back to the ice. Holly tells us that the lines are now closed. Jayne thinks Sam has shown great skating over the weeks and tonight, and has entertained everyone with his performances. Particularly in the tabloids. Chris thinks Laura has engaged with her JOURNEY. Jayne points out that they both got tens tonight as well. But Laura got more, I might add.

Phil's on the red carpet. Sam wants to thank everyone who's supported them, and all the backstage people who made it all happen etc etc. He says that Brianne is a friend for life, and kisses the top of her head. He says that he wouldn't be here now if it weren't for her. And he'd have looked damn stupid lifting nothing, I might add. We get his highlights VT: a supremely able skater from the very beginning, he says that he loves skating and he loves Brianne. Chris lies that Sam was the first male celebrity to attempt the headbanger (DAVID SEAMAN NEVA 4GET). Montage of excellent feedback for Sam. He says that the adrenaline rush is like nothing he's ever felt before. He never thought he'd love skating. Even though we all know he skated as a kid. What a phony.

Back in the studio, Laura realises that Sam got all the good thankyous, so echoes what he said, thanking everyone on the show and her family and friends, who've put up with her ignoring them for six months in favour of BEING ON ICE. Colin thinks he couldn't have chosen a better partner for his first series. Aw, I've grown quite fond of Colin. If he returns next series, I may honour him with the prefix "Lovely" as well. Highlights: Jayne remembers Laura being bubbly and enthusiastic on their first meeting. Laura thinks it's all been incredible. They laugh at how she tackles everything at great speed. Montage of excellent feedback for Laura. Laura points out that she won't know what to do with herself when the show's over. She says that she feels like the luckiest person in the world.

Time for the final result. The Dancing On Ice champion for 2011 is...

...Sam and Brianne. "What? What?" screams Brianne. Oh come on - like it was a surprise to anyone. Holly hands over runner-up bouquets to Laura and Colin, and reminds them that they nearly went out in week one. She asks if they're going to continue skating, and Laura says yes, and adds that Lewis Hamilton came 2nd in the Grand Prix today, so second isn't that bad. Or that people who share her surname are doomed never to lift the trophy; I can't really tell, that last bit was kind of muffled.

Sam and Brianne get the trophy. Sam hands it to Brianne and puts her on his shoulder. That's pretty much it - Holly thanks everyone on the show, Phil thanks us all for watching and reminds us that they'll be back next year. As, indeed, will we. ON ICE.

Don't worry, Beharry

2011-03-20T22:06:00.000Z

Solo spots on ICE in the semi-final

Tx: Sunday 20th March, 2011

Good evening, children, and welcome to this year's semi-final ON ICE. Yes, the series, which began only three thousand years ago, with just eighteen million contestants, is drawing to a close, with our final quartet of Laura, Sam, Chloe and Johnson still standing. You'll notice that one of those contestants is a significantly weaker skater than the others. However, I should point out that FRANKIE! enlightened us all on Twitter earlier today that Johnson in fact began the series in a coma. (While the rest of us are slipping wearily into one.) So that's that one cleared up.

I also must point out that on the Sky EPG, Johnson was given his full title of Lance-Corporal, whereas Sam was described as an "ex-EastEnders actor" and neither Chloe or Laura's metiers were included. Maybe that's because they're so famous (much like FRANKIE!) they need no introduction? Or, y'know, the other thing.

Anyway, this week's shock twist, which leaked onto the internet by the end of last Sunday's show and which everyone involved in the programme seems to have given up keeping secret, is that each contestant must skate a solo routine this week. Previously, Jeff fucked off, defeated by props, as Sam had been, and we are treated to a reprise of Sam's protest against headwear. Now, people are excited and want to win. Including Johnson. Chloe is very fearful and Michael pats her like a scared puppy (there's also a cute bit where she hurls herself at him and he picks her up like you would a toddler); Sam claims skating solo is like being naked; Chris thinks it is too close to call, and Jayne is hoping for some tricks. Right on cue, everybody reckons they are going to do the headbanger, or at least something as dangerous as it.

Titles!

Here are Phil, Holly and the imminent new person emerging from under her frock. They welcome us, and immediately the "skating stars" - Laura and Colin; Johnson and Jodeyne; a wobbly Chloe and Michael; and Sam and Brianne. Phil promises us an exciting semi-final. The rest of the series hasn't been exciting, Phil, why are you changing the format now?

Quick clip of lovely Robin being forced into playing the bad guy and telling the contestants they have to skate solo. I like the way he says, "You WILL skate again." This week, contestants can score up to 60.0. He advises them to be selfish, to enjoy the limelight and commit to the performances. I want ROBIN TO SKATE.

Break!

Shitty montage of the judges saying mostly patronising things about the contestants, with shockingly minimal content from Robin. Laura says they never expected to reach the semi-final; Sam says it has been an amazing journey; Johnson says he can make it to the final; Chloe thought she would be eliminated immediately. Back at the rink, everyone agrees this is the highest standard of skating ever (sigh - you'd hope, they've been skating for THREE THOUSAND YEARS). [I had a long drive home on Sunday, and missed the start of this show by 15 minutes. I wasn't wholly surprised to discover I hadn't actually missed any of the competitive skating. - Steve]

Here we go then. Chloe is proud of herself and is now excited about the semi-final, demanding that Chris "hit" her with some choreography. Karen says it is the first time that a female celebrity has done a knee slide, which Chloe is struggling with; and then we see a stupid lift where Chloe stands on Michael's chest. "This is the most ridiculous thing we've ever tried to do," she concludes. In the dress rehearsal, she throws a bit of a wobbler and Michael, God bless him, gets a bit annoyed.

And here is where I finalise my decision that I actually love Michael. Before they skate out, he MOCKS COLIN BY DOING A STUPID WINK TO THE CAMERA. Michael ftw! They're skating to Firework, and the ridiculous lift looks a total fucking mess. Chloe skates much more fluidly for the end of the routine, but then she and Michael lock blades and both crash to the ground. Not a good display, kids. Straight 7.0s, and Michael kisses her hair. He has bashed his cheek on the ground, and he says the fall was his fault because he stepped too wide. Then everyone is all like "well, you did the hard bit!" ignoring the fact that it all went horribly wrong. Robin says it was FAST OVER THE ICE and calls Michael "Frenchie". Like on Grease? Jason has stolen Sam's hat from last week and decided to wear it in tribute. Emma says she is confused. Emma confuses me.

Johnson and Jodeyne now. He enjoyed last week and thinks he handled the props well. He is now ready to take it to the end, and likes his track this week, Life Goes On. Chris tells us that Johnson is the weakest skater left and has to up his game and be FAST OVER THE ICE. However, Johnson is struggling with remembering both routines, and fears he is "full up of information".

Tonight they are wearing some really ugly outfits. It never fails to amaze me how they can make attractive people look dreadful on this show (and Strictly, to be fair). This is not a great display of mastery from Johnson; Jodeyne is clearly leading and prompting him. However, he does manage to smile and put across a semblance of a performance. 6.0s from the boys, 6.5 from Emma for a total of 18.5. Jodeyne leaps in to talk about how great Johnson is, particularly in keeping her safe and doing tricks that she normally does with Sean. Chris is proud of Johnson's complex routine. Emma snarks that this was very basic compared to Chloe, but keeping it simple is the best thing for him. [And for her, probably. - Steve] Jason is unnecessarily bitchy about it being a tedious performance, and then Robin says that Johnson compromises his performance by concentrating on getting things right and looking after Jodeyne. Which is a much nicer way to say it. Because Robin is classy, rather than a pissy old (balding) queen.

Break!

Laura and Colin next. Jayne says it has been an exciting series because there have been lots of different people emerging at the top of the leaderboard. I say it has been a dull series because...it's been dull. This week Laura and Colin are doing lots of tricks, and lots that they haven't done before. Including the headbanger. Karen presents her with a helmet. "You must wear this. Otherwise it's bye-bye semi-final," she portentously declares.

They're skating to The Last Dance, and Laura has some hilarious SRS ACTING FACES on. When she is skating, she is gorgeous, and the tricks all work, although she skirts the ice with her hair worryingly on the headbanger. 9.5s from the idiot judges, 9.0 from Robin for a total of 28.0. Laura screeches about having felt the ice and it being closer than when it was in the dress rehearsal. Colin is all, "YEAH WHATEVER ADRENALINE!!!!!1111ELEVENTY!!!" Jason says it was a semi-finalist performance, and Robin says it was a "finalist-wanting-to-be" performance. Crazy old Emma takes about goosebumps. Karen says that headbanger was the closest she has ever seen. Laura beams happily.

Break!

Um, what the hell is this? It's a SAND ARTIST. Artistifying to the sounds of Yellow by Coldplay. As Jayne and Chris skate around him and the image he is creating is beamed on to the ICE. I...don't even get this. Jayne and Chris have a nice lie-down. [I don't understand why, if they had to fill time, they did it three-quarters of the way through the performances. It just made it look like they thought Sam was so awesome they wanted to separate him from everyone else. - Steve]

Phil makes an inappropriate joke about stealing all the sand for gritting the roads, and then lies that Sam is over last week's Hat-Gate. The show certainly isn't, as that particular episode takes up the first half of his introductory VT. We then see them try to do the headbanger, but Laura has stolen that particular clap of thunder. Sam then worries about having been so awesome all series and being the bookies' favourites. Brianne's hair looks dreadful; much like Christina Aguilera's, with all that entails.

They're skating to Don't Stop The Music. [A hideous cover thereof, to be precise. With this week and last week, I'm wondering what Rihanna did to upset this show. - Steve] Sam's chest hair is on display. Sorry, must go and vomit quickly.

Right, where was I? Oh yes, Sam and Brianne. Yeah, whatever. He lifts her over his head, their footwork is tricksy and intricate, she doesn't die in the headbanger (though his feet look wobbly afterwards). 9.5s from the boys, 9.0 from Emma, for a total of 28.0, to tie with Laura. Sam crows that he stayed on the spot during the headbanger. AND THEN FOR FUCK'S SAKE SAM STARTS TO TALK ABOUT THE BLOODY HAT. How exactly is THAT being over it? Jason smugs about being right and thanks Sam for his "gallant" apology. Emma witters about the "sparkle" between the two of them. Robin tells him that in previous weeks he was skating for the wrong reasons (a pay cheque?). Sam then displays a cut finger and Phil tells us that there is blood on the ice.

So the leaderboard - Sam and Laura tied, then Laura and then Johnson. And next, some solos!

After a break!

We're back. Robin explains that in solo skating, you don't have a partner. Thanks, Robin! He says that it's about commanding and maintaining people's attention. And Chloe has to go first. Jayne and Chris also tell us that solo skating is different, and so they've got Robin to teach the contestants about it. He sets up in a little classroom at the side of a rink, and conducts a workshop. Love.Him. Then he does little tutorials and pokes Chloe in the stomach. "I cannot HELP her!" screeches Michael. Chloe wants to get to the final for Michael's sake. Aw. I love when couples actually like each other.

She's skating to That's Not My Name. She lipsyncs. I thought we'd decided that was a bad idea, even when it's your own song (on ice). She gets through it, and her lines are improved from earlier. Scores - idiots 6.5, Robin 7.0 for a total of 20.0. She says it was a weird experience but she enjoyed it. Jayne says that Chloe looked confident; Chris says they wanted to get Chloe's fun nature out in that routine. Robin thought it was terrific and that she did well coming out first. Emma enjoyed the attitude. Jason says he is nitpicky and thought she was awkward and tentative tonight. Karen says this was a big achievement for Chloe, who covered her mistakes well, and Chloe cackles at this and then shrugs into the camera. Pfft.

Johnson is excited to prove what he has learned in the past five months by skating to Don't Worry Be Happy. "I'm not worried. I'm Beharry," he chuckles. Back to Robin's masterclass, in which he introduces a video showing by saying, "We've selected one of my performances from the world professional championships, which I WON," and I then have to pause the SkyPlus because I'm laughing so hard. Back to the show and Johnson's face when watching Robin skate is so adorable. Johnson intends to enjoy his skate, like he always does.

He actually does look remarkably comfortable, more so than one would expect. He too is lipsyncing, and his choreography is much like a nursery school's singalong routine. Scores - Jason 4.5, Robin 5.0, Emma 6.0 for a total of 15.5. Johnson complains about the smiley faces being beamed onto the ice, which keep "looking" and "winking" at him. Jayne is proud of Johnson. Jason says he was worried and unhappy with that performance, which demonstrates Johnson's awkwardness and that he is not as good as the others. But you didn't need a solo skate to show that, silly. Emma points out how much progress he's made, and then says her foetus kicked all the way through the routine. Seriously, she's increasingly barking. [I don't blame Bunto's foetus for kicking her. If I were close enough, I'd do the same. - Steve] Robin wanted to see more of the playful Johnson. Jodeyne says that he inspires her to do better every week, because she's very sweet. Karen thinks Johnson coped well with a simple and entertaining routine.

Break!

Laura next, and Chris says that she likes to push herself but usually she has Colin to rein her in. Robin suggests that she think, "Yeah, Colin, you've been lovely for the past few months, but now it's ALL ABOUT ME." And thus she skates to These Boots Are Made For Walking, in one of the most hideous outfits I have ever seen, and attempting to look coquettish by twirling her pigtails, for this is the Jessica Simpson version, and all is not right with the world. Scores - Jason 8.5, Robin 9.0 and Emma 9.0 for a total of 26.5. Laura pretends she is surprised. Chris says Laura comes alive on the ice (because she's really dull the rest of the time? How rude). Emma says that Laura is a confident, competitive performer who is upping her game. Jason notes some musicality problems, but says she deserves to reach the final. Robin never thought it would be better with Colin. Heh.

Break!

Finally, Sam. Chris says it is his chance to shine, so choreographs a hydroglide for him, which apparently he can't do properly. However, everyone is hoping it doesn't go wrong tonight. OK then. He's skating to Superstition, which I can't listen to without tormenting myself with memories of having to play that bass line back in the day - it's hideously difficult. Whereas Sam is just hideous, with hip thrusting and stripping and breakdancing and using Chris Fountain's patented "worm" move. Scores - Jason 9.0, Robin 9.5 and Emma 9.0 for a total of 27.5. Sam says initially he was terrified and wanted Brianne, but has enjoyed it, and then moans about not throwing his jacket far enough away. Robin says the routine was clean and controlled, with great speed OVER THE ICE. Emma is glad that Sam got to do a solo, and then pontificates on how much fun it is being a "solo artist". Jason says that overall it was an excellent solo skate. Brianne is fake-pissed off that he didn't miss her. Karen says that Brianne is noisy. Sam then makes a late plea for votes. Shameless, I tell you. SHAMELESS.

Right, that's it. Sam and Brianne are top, then Laura and Colin, then Chloe and Michael, and then Johnson and Jodeyne. What will happen? Wait an hour, and you'll find out...

The skate-off

Earlier tonight, all that stuff above! Now, the skate-off!

Titles!

And a recap - Chloe and Michael are gutted that they went wrong in the crossover; Johnson had fun; Laura scolds Colin for being cheeky and bouncing her in the headbanger, and he attempts to ingratiate himself by saying he only did it because she was so good; with his head in Brianne's cleavage, Sam says he has his fingers crossed that they've done enough. Then the solo recaps - Chloe thought it was exciting, but doesn't think she's done enough this week to make it to the final; Johnson says he is capable of skating by himself, even though it's not perfect; Laura missed Colin but hopes she's got them both through to the final; Brianne says she and Sam are "back in the game"

Robin invents the word "acompletelynother"; Jason was a bit disappointed with Chloe but in another way wasn't; Emma loved the solos, headbangers and Laura. Good, glad we know that, Bunton.

Touch your ear, Phil. Give us the good stuff. Yes, it's results time - in the final are: Sam and Brianne...and...after a break...Laura and Colin. Who go really quite insane.

Time to skate again, then, and Jayne says that the public can really see the skaters now, while Chris suggests that Chloe avoids falling over and that Johnson show his playful side, employing the verb "to pizzazz".

Chloe and Michael go first and, though evidently nervous, don't fall over; Michael displays his war wound, and Chloe is highly entertained that the bruise looks a bit like a firework. Chris says he keeps grabbing Jayne when Chloe does a scary lift. Phil tells him to stop choreographing them, and man's got a point.

Then Johnson and Jodeyne, who surely know they're on their way out no matter what they do now, so basically grin their way through. Despite that, Johnson says he didn't like it as much as the first time round; Jodeyne goes all weepy again about Johnson's inspirationalness. Johnson then tries to take the mic to do his thank-yous, but Phil refuses to let him because there is time allowed for that when the decision is made. Basically Johnson is pre-empting it in order for us all to get to bed earlier. Robin congratulates Johnson but saves Chloe; Jason says it is about a final to be proud of, and though Johnson has come a long way, he is saving Chloe; and Emma concurs with the inspirationality but Chloe is saved.

So Johnson and Jodeyne are out, having made it a surprisingly long way. Johnson says he is not sad because he has had so much fun, and then finally gets to do his thank-yous. And next week, we have a final, with the three least famous people who competed in this series! And Steve will recap it! See you then!

Hat's entertainment

2011-03-13T19:13:00.000Z

Props Week: 13th March 2011

Last week! Six couples skated, and Laura topped the leaderboard, while Sam slipped to third - and then Team Laura won the team challenge, dropping Sam down to fifth. Somehow he survived the public vote, though, and Denise lost out to Johnson in the skate-off. This week, it's props week, and the potential for injury is even greater than usual. For certain couples, this can only be a good thing.

Titles! Holly is by now thirty thousand weeks pregnant. Phil, on the other hand, is not. They remind us that it is indeed props week, and Phil is sad that there is no snooker table, lawnmower or chainsaw. I can only assume that they had to veto anything that could possibly be used as an offensive weapon just in case FRANKIE! was still in the competition at this point. We begin with a performance from The Overtones, who will be this week's house band. Yes, that's right: house band. They will be singing the backing music for every single skating performance tonight, because props week was looking like being too much fun and the producers are determined that I must suffer one way or another. The Overtones are such an affront to humanity that I shall not be recapping their performance or anything that happens around it. Sorry to those of you who were hoping I might talk about it, but ignoring them is the only way to make them go away.

Phil tells us that each routine tonight must tell a story, and the props are there to aid this. Each couple must incorporate TWO props into their performance, expertly and seamlessly. No one mentions that the two most heinous props in the world are a hat and a cane. Surely this is an oversight? Chris says that everyone's been struggling with the props, even the pros - Karen put her hip out, and he lost a fight with an umbrella. Rumours that the umbrella was bribed to stage the fight by Jayne at the beginning of the week remain unsubstantiated. Chris also shows us a scar on his chin that he got from losing a fight with a table a few years back. Rumours that the table subsequently received a significant pay-rise remain just that - rumours.

Let's meet our skaters then: Laura and Colin, Jeff and Isabelle, Sam and Brianne, Johnson and Jodeyne, and Chloe and Michael. They are all allowed to wave straight away this week, because Jayne and Chris are already here. I am, at least for now, appeased.

Adverts.

When we return, Phil mixes a cocktail, and hands it to Holly. An entire nation screams "she's pregnant, you murdering monster!" It turns out to be the set-up for an "ahh, milk and two sugars" gag. This had better be related to the next routine, because otherwise this show has finally lost the plot. In his VT, Sam wails about being misunderstood last week, and says that this was the first week he'd had to rely on the public, but luckily they saved him. Fate is watching this clip and thinking "wow, that is tempting." Sam has a mic stand and a hat for his props. The mic stand smacks him in the face. Pause. Rewind. Replay. Pause. Rewind. Replay. Pause. Rewind. Replay. Brianne stabs Sam in the legs with one of her blades. Sam says that after Jason's comments last week, they daren't change a single bit of their routine. Oh please, Jason's all talk, it's Jayne you should be scared of. [Srsly. Jason is scared of Tim Healy. - Carrie]

They're skating to 'Beggin'' and begin the routine sat at a bar, which is being tended by Lovely Matt. Poor Lovely Matt. Times can't be that hard already, can they? Sam prances around with the hat, and drops it. Hooray! They manage the overhead lift without Brianne emasculating Sam when he puts her between his legs (this would presumably be another one of those lifts that they famously rehearse in bed, I suppose), more's the pity. At the end of the routine, Sam drops Brianne on a stool and returns her to the bar, where she appears to ditch him for Lovely Matt, as any right-thinking person would. Gubba thinks the inverted lift was amazing, but he also thinks that the hat snafu was "a little slip", so his opinion is officially moot. [Moo. - Carrie] Scores: Jason 8.0, Robin 8.0, Emma 8.5 for a total of 24.5. Sam is annoyed because he dropped the hat, and claims it's because it's not the hat he rehearsed with. Oh puh-LEASE. He was happy with everything else, though. Sam claims to be a big fan of the Overtones. Another reason to hate him.

Robin thinks the skating was great, as was the whirlybird and the lifts, but Sam dropped the prop and must be punished. [Oh my goodness, bitches, I loved this bit where Robin went all strict and masterful. Swoon. - Carrie] Bunto thought the performance was effortless and had lots of swagger. She thinks he'd make a great pop star. A pop star ON ICE? Jason wanted to see more pleading and begging, and thinks Sam handled the mic-stand well, and tells him not to blame the hat for the fact that he dropped it. Apologise to the hat, Sam. [/tyrabanks] He also thanks him sarcastically for not changing his routine. Sam and Jason argue about the hat and exactly what "last minute" means, until Phil intervenes and says, "Hats can cause all sorts of trouble, can't they, Jason?" HA!

Adverts. I feel like James Marsden could do better than be in Hop.

When we return, Phil's in the audience with Dave, but not FRANKIE! I'm more interested in Stacey Solomon, who is sitting behind him. Dave tells us that he's skating with Nina on the tour. Dave's daughter points excitedly at the camera, having spotted that she is on the telly.

Johnson and Jodeyne are next. Johnson thinks that last week went really well, and "the routine for me was 100%". He got his highest score so far, but ended up in the skate-off. He thinks his skate-off performance was even better, and says this was the most fun he's had in the series. His props are an umbrella and a hat, and his scenery is the front of a house. Johnson explains that his routine is about taking his gorgeous lady on a date, and apparently there's some sort of theme about her not wanting to stay out and him trying to convince her otherwise. It's about sex, then. I think. Johnson worries about dropping the props as it will affect his score and he might be in the skate-off again.

They're skating to 'Goodnight Sweetheart'. Nicholas Lyndhurst is nowhere to be seen. Jodeyne makes lots of googly eyes at Johnson during the routine, so I'm guessing she won't take much convincing to prolong the date after all. Johnson does not drop the hat, and chucks the umbrella around a bit. At the end, Jodeyne blows Johnson a kiss and goes into her house. I hope she remembered to shake the umbrella off first, otherwise she'll have a wet mark on her hall carpet. Gubba says that the only house with such a posh front door in Grenada is the prime minister's. Seriously: does he think we can't hear him? What on earth makes him think he can get away with insensitive, xenophobic shit like that? [He thinks we can't hear him; Paul Gambaccini and Matt Wolf don't know we can see them (and their grapes) - Sunday night telly is going to the dogs. - Carrie] Scores: Jason 6.5, Robin 7.0, Emma 6.0 for a total of 19.5. Johnson is impressed that his scores are going up. Phil tells Johnson that he handled the props like a showbiz pro. Johnson says that the umbrella is the hardest thing he's ever had to deal with, including fighting in Iraq. Seriously, he actually said that. This is why people who are genuinely famous for awesome reasons should not go on reality shows. Jodeyne says that they've wrecked a lot of umbrellas this week and are on about number five by now. Chris points out the number on the front door is 84 - Bolero year, in case anyone's forgotten.

Jason thinks Johnson handled the props with finesse and panache, which he was not expecting. He thought the acting at the beginning was ridiculous and yet charming at the same time, and he congratulates him for not dropping the props. He would like to see Johnson finish the rotations a bit more. Bunto liked the romance of the routine, but because Johnson was so near to her, she could see his nerves. Bunto, once again, judging performances based on the part of the rink on which they take place. BEST JUDGE EVARZ. Robin thinks there could've been more skating in there, but sometimes less is more. Karen is happy with the scores, and thinks that his performance had detail.

More adverts. Looks like we'll be getting one ad break per performance tonight. Joy.

We return. Phil shows us the evil giant octopus under the ice. This is in no way a pointless time filler. Holly makes a "size matters" joke. The audience find it the funniest thing they've ever heard. Laura and Colin are next, and Laura gets a bit giddy about her victory last week, both on the leaderboard and the team challenge. Her props are a chair and a cane, and she has a dressing table to sit at. Laura says that the chair is hard to control across the ice. She also finds it hard to lob the cane at Colin without hitting him in the face. Chris has a new, lethal lift for them to try, which involves Laura inverting herself while holding onto the cane which Colin supports. Laura almost removes Colin's face with her blades in rehearsals, and Karen points out that there's no room for error. Ya think? In dress rehearsal, the chair falls out from underneath Laura, which makes her a bit worried. Because falling off the chair is way more of a concern than turning Colin into a cyclops. I know his eyes are tiny targets, Laura, but that doesn't mean you still can't take them out if you're not careful.

They're skating to 'Rolling In The Deep'. God, The Overtones and Adele. It just gets worse, doesn't it? Laura makes crazy faces into the mirror. The chair does not fall from underneath her this time. Laura continues to make crazy faces. Laura does not remove Colin's face in the lift. Sadly, she does not mutilate the Overtones either. Laura finishes with another crazy face. Maybe there should just be a crazy face week? Gubba tells us that Laura wants to work on grown-up television. No idea what she's doing on this show, then. Arf arf arf. Scores: Jason 8.5, Robin 8.5, Emma 8.5 for a total of 25.5. Phil asks Laura if being top last week was a hard act to follow, and Laura says she tries not to think about that, and focus on the job in hand. Colin laughs off the danger of the Face Removal Lift and says that the routine needs to be dangerous to be fun. Jayne says that they broke three or four chairs, and she wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of Laura. Who'd win in a fight between Laura and Jayne? That'd be a tough one to call.

Bunto enjoyed the anger (read: the crazy faces) but wasn't keen on the butterfly lifts. Jason says that she always has great characterisation, and he too enjoyed the "angre". He thinks the butterfly lifts were sad, and there were a few problems with the chair. He thinks it wasn't bad, but he expects more from her. Robin likes that she managed to maintain her aggression and deliver the control for the routine and manage the props. Karen says that Laura has blisters all over her hands from the rehearsals, and while the butterflies weren't great and Laura's done them better, she delivered a great performance.

Blimey, no adverts! We got straight to Jeff and Isabelle, who did well last week with a boring routine. Jeff was pleased to get to second in the table after winning the team challenge. Their props are a table and two chairs. Jeff looks quite worried about all of this. Their theme is a "domestic dispute", which Jeff claims has been caused by Isabelle not having his dinner on the table when he gets home. I assume Carrie will have a lot to say about this. [I...have nothing to say about this, because Jeff Brazier is of absolutely no interest to me. - Carrie] Jeff is going to be the first male celeb in the history of the show to attempt a float spin from the chair. It's not as impressive an accomplishment as it sounds, really it's not. It goes wrong frequently in rehearsals, and Jeff makes lots of obnoxious comments about how everyone will love him and consider him "ledge" if it goes right. Don't count on it, Brazier. You're fast approaching Gary Lucy territory at this rate.

They're skating to 'We Can Work It Out'. Jeff makes crazy faces, and then knocks his chair over. It is not part of the routine. He fires Isabelle underneath the table, which is admittedly quite cool. They do an elaborate lift. The much-feted float spin takes forever to get going, lasts about three seconds, and Isabelle loses her balance when she comes out of it. She doesn't fall over or anything, but it's not that graceful. Gubba makes a Cheryl Cole joke, because that's the most topical domestic dispute he can think of. Scores: Jason 6.5, Robin 7.5, Emma 7.5 for a total of 21.5. Phil says that Jeff did the difficult stuff quite well, but had trouble with the easy bits. Jeff is happy that he broke two DoI records, because he's the first male celeb to lift someone up and let go, so he's going to focus on being happy with that. Isabelle pretends to be happy about the float spin. Chris thinks there was "a little bit of improv" going on out there, but Jeff got it together. Jeff claims the table is the table that Chris and Jayne ate breakfast off before the Bolero. Chris accuses Jeff of being full of shit. Maybe after Laura and Jayne finish their fight, we can see who'd win in a scrap between Chris and Jeff? My money's on Dean, in case you're wondering.

Robin agrees with Chris, presumably right up to and including the part where Chris said Jeff was full of crap, and basically rips the float spin to pieces, pointing out how awkward it looked and basically crediting Isabelle for managing to rescue it in spite of Jeff's incompetence, adding that for every brilliant moment Jeff had, he got something very basic wrong. [Ohhhh I love Robin too much. Burning Sam AND Jeff in one week. All we need is Nicky back to get slapped down and I'd be perfectly content. - Carrie] Karen nods. Jason tells "Jeff-o" that the performance didn't work - the domestic tension didn't have enough cat and mouse, and he wanted to see more drama. He dropped his prop, and says that while it's great that he did the lifts, he needs to link everything else together. Bunto is frustrated by the mistakes which ruined the whole routine (so much so that she gave it 7.5/10, just so we're clear) - she loves the acting and the fact that Jeff's connecting everything now.

Adverts. There we go. Virgin Media claim that they "fill your home with entertainment". The entertainment of sitting in a queue on the phone for half an hour waiting to speak to someone about the poor quality of your broadband, presumably.

As we return, Phil is still bemoaning the lack of a snooker table. Oh Phil. Chloe and Michael are the last couple to take to the ice. She got her highest score so far last week, and she says that getting validation like that has made her feel like she can do it. Her routine is about being at the gym while Michael tries to flirt with her. She has the skipping rope and hula hoop for her props. Chloe says she can manage the skipping rope, but the hula hoop is another matter entirely. Karen interviews that they're both struggling with the props and the routine doesn't seem to be getting any better. They bicker a little bit about Michael not warning Chloe when he's adjusting her during a lift, because she keeps thinking she's going to fall. Chloe thinks she needs to stay calm if she wants to make the semi final.

They're skating to 'Only Girl (In The World)', which has been been bastardised to an obscene degree by the fucking Overtones. Chloe's routine is a bit SLOW OVER THE ICE, and the bits involving the hula hoop are a bit messy, quite frankly. It comes together a bit more at the end, and Chloe manages to catch the hoop when Michael rolls it over to her. Gubba invokes Richard and Judy and the fact that they used to call her "Coco Pops". Just the sort of thing everyone wants to have revealed on national television. Scores: Jason 9.0, Robin 9.0, Emma 9.0 for a total of 27.0, putting her at the top of the leaderboard. Phil congratulates her for pulling off such a difficult routine. Chloe says that she hated the hula hoop, but she loves it now it's all gone right. She says that the score is thanks to the coaches and Michael pushing her so hard. Michael says the props were hard to work with, but they had a lot of fun. Jayne thinks Chloe was brilliant and blows her away each week.

Robin says that week after week Chloe delivers what they ask of her, and reminds her that she's just as responsible for the great score as Michael and the coaches are. Bunto thinks Chloe had the hardest props of the week, but she can handle them, and she hopes the people at home can appreciate that and vote for her. Jason is very proud of her for dealing so well with the tricky props and sustaining her performance. Richard and Judy almost erupt with glee in the audience.

Leaderboard: Chloe and Michael at the top, then Laura and Colin, then Sam and Brianne, then Jeff and Isabelle, then Johnson and Jodeyne. Phil declares the lines officially open, and we get a reminder VT of all the performances: Sam dropping his hat (seriously, this actually makes his highlight reel, lol forever), Johnson and Jodeyne getting all flirty in front of her posh front door, Laura and the Faces of Crazy, Jeff and Isabelle's domestic dispute from the 1930s, and Chloe succeeding despite the worst musical accompaniment since Our Fabulous Singers Dave Arch, And His Wonderful Orchestra.

Phil reminds us to vote if we don't want our favourites to land in the skate-off, and he and Holly go through the numbers again. Phil tells us to stay tuned for Wild At Heart, where one of the props is a big rhino, and Holly is disappointed that they didn't get a big rhino for their own show. If props week next week genuinely does have a snooker table and a giant rhino, then something good might actually come out of this series. Who's going home? We'll find out soon.

The Skate-Off

Holly's bump enters. About a minute later, Holly and Phil arrive. Phil says that this is a cruel time to get the boot, so close to the semi-final. And if you think that's cruel, we now have to fill time with another performance from the fucking Overtones. Seriously - what kind of awful shit did I do in a previous life to deserve this? Did Nicole Scherzinger get to do nine performances last week? NO. NO SHE DID NOT. I mean, it's rare that a performance makes me think that even Westlife would be preferable, and yet somehow that is exactly what I am feeling right now.

Time for the all-revealing recap VT. Bunto squinted at Sam while calling his performance effortless. Sam blames the hat and scowls at Jason. Backstage, Sam is disappointed about dropping the hat, and blames the hat some more. Karen reinforces the hat blame. Karen says that Sam was given a choice of which hat to do it with, and chose that hat. Hahahaha. Nice one, Karen. Jason liked Johnson for not dropping his hat. Johnson says once again that it was the hardest thing he's ever done. LISTEN TO THE WORDS THAT YOU ARE SAYING, JOHNSON. Laura got broadly positive comments but was picked up on the poor quality of her butterflies. Not her breasts, just in case anyone's wondering. Those are still superb. Laura is just glad she didn't fall off the chair. Jeff got a lot of his basics wrong, but Bunto loved it anyway. Jeff hopes that the big stuff is enough to get the vote. Stacey Solomon: *gibberish*. Everybody loved Chloe. Chloe thanks the hoop for co-operating. No, seriously. She's very pleased to be top of the leaderboard.

Holly's with the judges. Robin thinks the girls rocked it tonight. Holly thinks the leaderboard's been mixed up a bit, and Jason thinks that's what's great about this show, and it's good when Sam's not good at stuff. Bunto thinks Chloe has to be in the semi-final, and Laura too.

Over to Phil, for the results. After the obligatory ear-touching, the following couples are safe: Johnson and Jodeyne, Chloe and Michael, and Laura and Colin. Wow, I wasn't expecting that. So it's Sam vs Jeff in the skate-off. Hooray! Whoever loses, we all win! Also, I think this demonstrates clearly that in the case of Attwater vs Hat, the jury came down unanimously on the side of The Hat, which has now been cleared of all charges. Perhaps it can join us as a guest blogger for the final. Note to self: find out if The Hat has an agent.

Time for the ads. I hope next year's series is sponsored by Ultimo, so the ongoing sponsorship saga can star The Girl With The Amazing Tits.

When we return, Holly asks Jayne why Sam and Jeff are in the skate-off. Jayne says that both of them gave great performances, but had trouble with their props. DO NOT BLAME THE HAT, JAYNE. THE JURY HAS SPOKEN. Phil asks Chris which hat Sam should use. "The one he can keep hold of," Chris replies sagely.

Jeff and Isabelle are out first, even though Sam was the first to skate earlier. Iiiiiiinteresting. Jeff's chair does not fall over this time, thought his acting is still as questionable as ever. The floatspin looks even more hapzard this time, and I keep expecting Isabelle to smack into the chair that they wasn't launching herself from. She survives, however, and at the end of the routine Jeff slobbers all over her face.

Phil congratulates Jeff on getting all the difficult stuff with no wobbles. Jeff says he'll be happy to go out on that performance, as he thinks it was his best. Jayne says that Jeff always gives his best performances in the skate-off. Yeah, sucks to be him.

Sam and Brianne (and guest bartender Lovely Matt, and featured artist The Hat) return to the ice. Sam does not drop The Hat this time, although that might be because he totally catches it with both hands this time. Pussy. Beyond that, it's a pretty clean routine, and with no prop-dropping he's totally going through over Jeff. Sam even clears his own props away afterwards.

Sam says that he decided to go with the same hat from earlier, to prove to himself that he can do it. This is a ridiculous amount of primetime television to spend on one man's grievances against a hat. Chris applauds him for keeping hold of the hat, and delivering a passionate routine.

They skate out to learn of their fate, and Chris and Jeff share a man-hug. Time for the judges to vote. Robin is first, and thinks they both raised their performances to another level, but votes to save Sam. Jason thinks Jeff definitely "worked it out", but it wasn't enough, as he votes to save Sam. Bunto's vote is as pointless as ever, but she would've voted for Sam anyway.

Phil mistakenly asks Sam to come over and join him, before realising he means to ask for Jeff. Heh - letting your colours show there, Phil? Jeff says he feels great to have made it this far amongst so many great people. We see his best bits: they are annoying, but you can at least see that he's improved quite a bit since he started. Back in the studio, Jeff vows to keep skating, and thanks Isabelle for putting up with him for six months. Chris says that they've seen Jeff grow so much, he's a real live boy.

That's it for another week. Next week, there will be another Big Twist which has already leaked onto the internet. Join Carrie for the full details next week!

Denise Denise

2011-03-08T16:56:00.000Z

TEAM CHALLENGE Week

Tx Sunday 6th March 2011

Previously on Dancing on Ice! Denise was messy, Johnson wasn't passionate, they were the bottom two and neither skated off. Remember this, it'll be important later. Vanilla ICE ON ICE skated off against Laura and had no chance at all. This week it's the Team Challenge, multiplying the pressure. Chloe is concerned about being in the skate-off with Sam; Johnson says he is coming for "you"; Laura is going to get her butt kicked up and down the ice; Isabelle gets squashed by Jeff. [And in award-worthy work by the editors, the clip of Jeff saying he feels he's got a shot at winning the whole thing is immediately followed by Denise yawning conspicuously. I loled. - Steve]

Yes, bitches, this is DANCING ON ICE!

Good evening to Phil and Holly, beautifully resplendent and fully restored to health. She scolds him for losing Vanilla ICE from the ICE last week; he explains about the Team Challenge, and throws to a VT where Jayne and Chris break the news to the six remaining couples. Jayne cannot stop beaming the entire way through it. The boys giggle; the girls look vaguely appalled. Ludicrously, the three couples in the winning team get their scores doubled. Sam and Laura are the team captains, as if this is some kind of primary-school event. Jayne brooks none of Laura's "oh noooooooooooo" wailing and makes them pick. Laura picks Jeff; Sam picks Chloe; Laura picks Denise; Sam picks Johnson. I think we all could have guessed that without watching, couldn't we?

Phil promises us some Scherzinger later, which I assume imbues Steve with much glee. [Darn tootin'. - Steve]

Time for the couples: Denise and Lovely Matt; Johnson and Jodeyne (nb, just want it to be noted that Sean Rice ON ICE told me that I rock. Via Twitter, admittedly, but STILL); Laura and Colin; Sam and Brianne; Chloe and Michael; and Jeff and Isabelle. Then Jayne and Chris skate on, but in their normal clothes, which looks a bit weird.

So, now we've met our skating stars, it's time for a break, but not before Jeff tells us he is the underdog and Sam admits he wants a 10. Somewhere, Matt Baker is cheering.

This week in the ads, that smiling bint is having her affections bought by her suitors. Just so you know.

Phil and Holly remind us again about the Team Challenge. Chris does an evil laugh. Jayne is too dignified to do this. Chris is excited that Laura has t-shirts for her team, and Sam has banners. What the actual fuck? Do some bloody skating.

Denise and Matt go first this week. This graveyard scheduling will also prove pertinent later. Denise talks about the public voting her in, and "when the public want me to go, that's when I'll go." Fate, fate, you're being tempted, right here right now. This week she and Matt are skating to 'Alone' by Heart, and she is worried about the transitions. Ie, the skating in general. Also, in case you didn't know, Denise is 52 and feeling her age what with the two routines to learn.

Anyway, it's a bit slow and clunky, and although Denise seems to be going for an expression of serenity, it just looks smug. She ballses up one of the lifts, and Lovely Matt has to hoick her into the air in the roll-up at the start of the chorus. Poor Lovely Matt. "She knows she's not the best, but she's never been in a skate-off!" trills Gubba. Scores - straight 5.0s for a total of 15.0. Denise complains about the pressure, but reiterates that it is fun. Lovely Matt says that Denise has coped well and has had a tummy bug this week. "I like the fast ones, it's just them that don't!" says Denise as Jayne tries to emphasise her strengths and weaknesses. Robin says this is her comfort zone, as it allows her time to think. He says that "people" always say it is easy for celebrity females; no, JASON does, and HEAD JUDGE LEN GOODMAN. [And a decent percentage of the Digital Spy forums. - Steve] Bunton does not even want to talk about the transitions. Jason says it was an improvement on last week's "abysmal" effort, but it looked like two people playing Twister. At this point, Tim Healy storms on to the stage and shouts at Jason, who (very maturely) responds, "Ew, your breath! It smells!" Denise tries to laugh it off, but this is an embarrassment to all concerned, surely? [Tim Healy is currently playing a comedy cross-dresser in Benidorm. To be honest, this incident was probably a step upwards, career-wise. - Steve]

Break!

Jeff and Isabelle next. The camera zips away from Jeff and focuses only on Isabelle. HA. Last week he got good marks and he is now starting to believe he can make the final. Hence, time for a Rocky-esque montage. Chris thinks Jeff's confidence has been boosted since last week. Jeff claims that everybody now expects big lifts from him. Really, Jeff? I expect nothing from you apart from vaguely offensive homophobic comments. In dress rehearsal, he dropped Isabelle, who hit her head and arm due to his uselessness. The violins of DOOM strike up as we see her lying on the ice looking pissed off. Everybody is nervous about tonight.

Ooh, they're skating to Hit The Road Jack. Let's see the best-ever reality TV performance to that routine, shall we?

Does Jeff Brazier have a glittery door? NO. No, he does NOT. And he screws up a couple of the lifts. He looks annoyed with himself, Isabelle looks relieved to be alive. Scores - Jason 7.0, Robin 7.5, and Emma 8.0 for a total of 22.5. Jeff says the routine is so tough there is no one thing to worry about, but he enjoyed the characterisation as devised by Kevin Adams. Isabelle lies that she trusts Jeff. Chris thinks Jeff could be in the final three as his presentation improves. Bunton, of course, loved it. Stupid cow. Jason whines. Robin disagrees, and feels that he saw an all-around performance. Karen thinks all Jeff's weeks came together. For some reason, Holly feels the need to agree.

Break!

Oh, you know what? There's a Team Challenge tonight. And pictures of sharks being projected onto the rink for some reason. Sam and Brianne next! Last week they Riverdanced, really lamely, but Robin liked it. Now they are questing for a 10. Sam says he does not want to let his team down but he also has a lot to work on in his individual routine - namely, five lifts. So he has to have stamina training from a personal trainer. Brianne sits on a bench and shouts at him. The end.

This is an odd routine. Sam doesn't look that stable in some of the lifts, and Brianne makes some really ugly lines - probably the two are related. They're fine in the rest of it, although we get one unflattering up-skirt shot of Brianne. Then I am overwhelmed by the horrible news that Sam is up for a part in a major new musical. What can it be? I can only think it'd be Rock of Ages. Ew. Scores - straight 8.5s, and Sam is happy with that because it was the worst run-through they've ever done. Jayne comments on a couple of the lifts being removed from the original choreography. Jason LEAPS on this, and then he and Karen bicker about health and safety and removing lifts from routines and that Sam ought to do his best at all times, eventually shutting up and claiming they agree with each other, and Sam keeps trying to interject but everyone ignores him. Jason concludes that it is good to see a man do skating in a masculine way. HEAD JUDGE LEN GOODMAN is proud. Sam explains that it is dangerous to do lifts if you're not sure about them, and Jason puts on a supercilious expression to conclude: "I have spoken." Nob. In between all this, Robin says nice things, Bunton comments on the lack of sparkle.

Onwards! Chloe and Michael. They're skating to Empire State of Mind. Let's remind ourselves of the legendary group Dorothy performance.

Meanwhile, Chloe and Michael have gone off to ballet school amidst a load of very, very thin people. Michael is LOVING the dancing, mark you. And that is it. [It's typical of this show's boring po-facedness that not one person thinks to crack a Black Swan joke. - Steve] Michael winks at the camera before they take to the rink. It is a quite graceful routine, and Chloe does have a point, her arms do look quite ugly and solid at times. Still, her skating is good. Gubba says that one of the moves is called the "Staten Island Ferry Lift". Scores - Jason 8.5, 9.0s from the others - highest of the night so far. I almost like Chloe for a minute, then she says she had a panic attack in dress rehearsal, and we've covered how ANNOYING it is when people claim to have had panic attacks when they are just NERVOUS, so we'll move on. Robin says that she amazes him every week, and that was one of the most difficult routines any female celebrity has had in six years of the show. Karen nods smugly. Robin then applies a subtle burn by reminding Chloe of how unfamous she is - "you're not an actress, you're not a dancer, you're not a singer." Jason thinks the ballet classes have paid off. Bunton says Chloe brings something very special to her performance.

Break!

Time for Johnson and Jodeyne. Last week, Johnson threw a strop when he went through, and it transpires that he was angry with the judges, and angry that his best chum Vanilla ICE went out. Jayne says that Johnson must show that he has made an improvement this week, and he is doing this through the medium of lifting Jodeyne above his head. He gets tired and grumpy, so they invite Vanilla ICE back to help him practise. Vanilla ICE reminds us (informs us?) that doing the big lifts was his speciality. And now, of course, Johnson is very confident that all will go well with his lift. Hooray!

They're skating to 'You Are So Beautiful', and they have a little hug before skating to opposite ends of the rink. Bless. The lift goes relatively well, which they don't seem to have expected judging by the grins on their faces. It's a cute routine. Scores - Jason 5.5, and 6.0s from the others, for a total of 17.5. Phil patronises Johnson a bit, and then reminds us about the sodding Team Challenge. Johnson utterly ignores the talking about skating, and informs us that he can now feel his left leg for the first time in seven years. Jodeyne has a little weep and says that she would never have thought he'd be able to lift her above his head. Robin says it is lovely to see Johnson look so happy and relaxed, and was impressed to see him manage an overhead lift. Bunton felt a lovely connection between the pair. Jason patronises him a bit, and then calls Jodeyne a "dead weight" by accident. Hugs all round!

Break!

Laura and Colin to wrap up the show, then. This week they're skating to I'm So Excited, incorporating a helicopter lift, which makes her vomit in rehearsal. As she announces this, Colin happily asks, "Ooh, for real?" Also, there is a Team Challenge this week. Just in case you'd overlooked that. Lovely, quick routine, although Laura does look a bit awkward in some of the overhead lifts, and well-rewarded with straight 9.5s. Colin reveals that he'd never done the helicopter lift before either. Ha! Chris fawns over them - "we challenge them every week, they deliver every week." Jason says they are unbelievable to watch, but they never compromise their performance or their technique, and then urges people to vote for them. Because that's the way this show works, Gardiner. Shut up. Robin once again reveals that he's part-voting on how they perform on the night compared to the dress rehearsal. Bunton says the competition needs them. Karen tells us there is a Team Challenge this week but Laura's performance was great.

Time for the leaderboard - Laura and Colin top, Denise and Matt at the bottom, with Johnson and Jodeyne just above them. Now, however, it is time for the Team Challenge. Jason wants to see the skaters work as a troupe; this is something Bunton does know about, and she basically descends into reminiscing about the olden days when Geri was a bitch and everyone argued.

Team Sam are skating first. He says that he got exactly the people he wanted on his team (Chloe and Johnson, in case you'd forgotten that). Jayne says there has never been a Team Challenge before, because the 2009 Christmas Special doesn't count. Chloe wants Sam to crack the whip so they can kick Laura's butt "up and down the ice". Johnson struggles with the step sequence and admits that he is the weak link in the chain, then he wishes Laura good luck for she will need it.

The team skate on, and Chloe and Michael are whirling round imaginary lassoes, but nobody else is. Miseries. They're dancing to I Don't Feel Like Dancing, with odd dancing-people images being projected onto the rink again. Seriously, this should really be Reality Show Rehash Week Featuring Stuff That's Been Done More Entertainingly Elsewhere -

Johnson does not look happy with the step sequences, particularly when they put him front and centre. Also, everybody is in orange, and it clashes with their spray tans. Sam lies that as long as you enjoy it, you are a winner. Johnson egregiously says that he knows great leaders, and Sam is a great leader. Chloe and Michael are totally hyped up like Haribo-fuelled toddlers. Jodeyne talks about "all doing it together". Snigger.

Break!

MOAR TEAM CHALLENGE! Team Laura are shouting about ROCKing. VT Laura wails about how difficult it is to pick teams. Also, is she wearing a Saved By The Bell sweatshirt? If so, WANT. [It certainly looked like it. I want one too. - Steve] Jeff says Team Laura have gelled in a way that the "superstars" on Team Sam will not. Denise says that lunges are the worst thing in the world. Everybody shouts, "Cross your legs, Laura!" Snigger again.

They skate on to the ice doing the stamp-stamp-clap that precedes 'We Will Rock You', but in fact they're skating to 'Rockin' All Over The World' and this is LOLARIOUS. Lovely Matt's air guitar face is one of my favourite things I have ever seen, followed closely by the face he pulls when using Denise as a guitar. Hmm, where could he have got inspiration for that move from? Seeing as it's Reality TV Rip-Off Week -

Back on the ice, am LOVING the electric pulse move they do along the line at the end. Incidentally, Karen is giving them a standing ovation and her skirt looks weird - positively rhomboid. Laura too waffles on about fun, and Denise joins in. Jeff thanks the crowd for joining in and assisting in the veritable Rocking Out we have just witnessed. Jayne says she would hate to have to judge it.

Pfft. Over to the actual judges. Jason didn't feel Team Sam's energy sustained the whole way through, so votes for Team Laura; Robin lists a load of qualities and presumably indicates who owns them through gesture, because he certainly doesn't specify through his words, but eventually opts for Team Sam; the stupid crowd get over-excited at this point and have to be shushed; and Bunton gets to choose Team Laura, meaning they win by two votes to one and have all their points doubled. The drama!

So Laura and Colin stay top, Jeff and Isabelle are second, Denise and Matt are third, Chloe and Michael are fourth, Sam and Brianne are fifth, and Johnson and Jodeyne move to the bottom. Chris reminds us that it is the voters who will make the difference. (Or not, if you're a cynic and have watched ahead, like me.)

Lines are open! What will happen? Another shock? Or something entirely predictable?

The skate-off

Tonight! Six couples skated ON ICE for our votes! The lines have closed! It's time for the SKATE-OFF! ON ICE!

Before we get down to the srs bsnss of results, though, it's time for some Scherzinger. ON ICE. She seems to have got thinner and her breasts bigger since last year's X-Factor. There is pro skating amidst a lot of dry ice, though I can't really see properly. There are also some musicians without their instruments plugged in. Well done, Nicole and skaters!

What happened earlier? Denise and Matt did not play Twister, Jason's childishness re Tim Healy was edited out, Tim is proud of his wife; Jeff and Isabelle focused on winning the group challenge; Sam was sad about getting bad comments; Chloe never thought she and Michael would get more than 25.0; Johnson was adamant they would win the Team Challenge while the audience sang 'Sandy' from Grease in the background; Laura wanted to double her points in the Team Challenge, and did, huzzah for her. Team Laura are delighted to be top three; Team Sam make do with a team hug.

Robin tells us that with a 9.5 we are close to a 10.0, just 0.5 away. Thanks, Robin! Jason fears that Sam and Chloe are in danger tonight. Bunton is asked who's made the most progress this week, and the look of utter confusion on her face as she tries to construct a coherent sentence is amazing. Holly then thanks them all three times before handing over to Phil for the ear-touching results. Who's safe? Laura and Colin, obv; Jeff and Isabelle; Chloe and Michael; and...Sam and Brianne.

So, children, we are left with third-placed Denise and Matt and bottom-placed Johnson and Jodeyne in the skate-off, and seeing as they are the two weakest skaters it just seems a leetle too convenient to be true. What say you? [The entirety of the pre-titles VT at the start of the main show this week basically seemed to be a thinly-veiled propaganda piece telling everyone that Denise and Johnson should be in the bottom two this week, so I wasn't really surprised. - Steve] Chris says that Johnson needs to retain his tenderness from earlier, and though Denise had a great performance "for her", she needs to do that again. So they both skate again. Denise is all, "I had a great time and did my best"; Johnson is all, meh, "I did my job."

And guess what, everybody saves Johnson. So the weakest skater is out. Despite finishing third on the leaderboard. And showing no signs of being in the skate-off previously. Anyway, conspiracy theories aside, we get to see Denise's highlights, including declaring that all she wanted from the show was a funny partner with a great bum. Matt reminds us that Denise is 52, and Denise, bless her, grabs the mic and says, "Did you know that, Jason? Did you know I'm 52?"

Next week it is PROPS WEEK, BITCHES, and Steve gets that particular joy. Join us then!

Delayed recap

2011-03-06T09:40:00.000Z

Hello all. Just to let you know that this week's Bitching on Ice recap won't be up until Wednesday evening at the earliest - Steve has a broken laptop, and Carrie is away for a few days. However, chances are the show will run along these lines - Sam and Laura will skate well, Jeff will make some vaguely homophobic comments, Jason will be a bitch, Karen will cry, Bunton will be pointless, we'll all get rather bored, and Robin will be gorgeous and look thoroughly bewildered at what has happened to this show. Come back on Wednesday to see whether or not those predictions are accurate!

Holiday ON ICE

2011-02-27T18:52:00.000Z

~~Strictly Come Dancing Ripoff Week~~

World Tour Week: 27th February 2010

Last week! Despite her impressive history of working with things that are frozen (king prawn rings, for preference), Kerry was dispatched after the Ultimate Skills Test. Normally at this point we'd just review the skaters in the bottom two, but perhaps because the skaters are so unmemorable this year, we're getting a rundown of everyone's progress so far: Chloe is a great contender, Denise brings the energy and the fun, Jeff has great potential over his blades, Johnson is upping his ante, or possibly his auntie, Laura is an unbelievable performer, Sam gives Jason a big kick whenever he steps out on the ice, and Emma has a ladyboner for Vanilla Ice. This week, we're going global, apparently, for the "Dancing On Ice World Tour". You have every right to be concerned about how naff that sounds.

Titles. We have a Phil, and we have a...Coleen? Holly's not well this week, so Coleen Nolan is here instead, once again being paid to pretend that she gives a shit about any of this. Did we learn nothing from Dancing On Ice Friday last year? Phil goes all Eurovision and welcomes us in many different languages. Coleen's comic timing fails with a "recognising the wrong language" gag. To get us in the mood, Jayne and Chris have a South American style routine to 'Dance With Me' by Debelah Morgan. They are doing a much better job of tangoing on ice than Johnson will later, but I still maintain that "tango on ice" is a fundamentally flawed concept. At first I was impressed by their non-skating partners for managing to tango on ice without skates on and not falling over, but they appear to be on some sort of slightly raised platform which is probably less icy. Still, it's an enjoyable enough routine, all things considered. I say that a lot in these recaps because it's hard to muster much of a response to this show beyond "meh".

Phil and Coleen consult with Jayne and Chris, who explain that the skaters have had big challenges this week because they've had new styles and techniques to learn. Chris tells us that Sam will be one to watch out for tonight, and Chloe will be really sexy, and the ladies will want to look at Michael.

Time to welcome our skating stars. Sam and Brianne first, then Denise and Matt, Vanilla Ice and Katie, Chloe and Michael, Johnson and Jodeyne, Jeff and Isabelle and finally Laura and Colin. Twitter reacts "what the FUCK is that?" to every single outfit, even the tamer ones. It's just that kind of a week.

Laura's on first. Apparently her international destination this week is LazyTown, judging from the pink fright wig she's sporting. She was top of the leaderboard last week, but is smart enough not to rest on her laurels. Her rhythm "from around the world" is the charleston. She'll be skating to 'Upside Down' by Imelda May. Ryan François The Charleston And Lindyhop Guy from Strictly Come Dancing comes in to teach her the finer points of the dance. They're trying to incorporate a charleston lift - you know, the sort where you grab someone by the arse and invert yourself, like they do on Strictly. As always, there's one part of the routine that threatens to bring them down entirely, and that's the bum lift. As it were.

So, the LazyTown on crack wig notwithstanding, Laura's determined to put on a good show tonight and is impressively light on her feet, despite being ON ICE, as Nicky would point out if he were still here, which he sadly is not. There are some synchronisation issues, but the charleston lift comes together, just about, and there's an aerial cartwheel which looks pretty decent, and another whole section where Laura is upside down (do you see?) and Colin winks at the camera, not that you can really tell, because it's Colin. There's a float spin that starts from lying on the ice, and it has a bit of a bumpy Daniella Westbrook-style start to it, but comes together in the end. Gubba tells us that Laura missed her niece's fourth birthday party today, the heartless cow. Scores: Jason 8.0, Robin 8.0, Emma 8.5 for a total of 24.5. Laura says that she was worried about having her wig fall off, as well she might. She really enjoyed the routine, and admits to being nervous as it was their first time going first in the line-up.

Coleen's with the ice panel, and looking nervous about being so close to Jason. Robin thinks it's a fantastic start to the show, and thinks that Laura conveyed the character of the dance throughout the routine. Everything was cohesive, and he thought it was a brilliant job. Bunto thought Laura lost timing a bit but she's a great performer and managed not to be too cheesy. Jason tells us a bit about the history of the Charleston, Len Goodman-style, and criticises Laura for a lack of shoulder movement, but thinks the whole thing was great fun.

Adverts!

When we return, Jeff and Isabelle are taking us to Vienna. Metaphorically, sadly. Jeff was in the skate-off last week, and Jayne thinks he gave a great performance. Jeff thinks he always bounces back from (/has previously been overscored following) a skate-off, so he's confident he can do the same again. He thinks the judges will be looking for him to get the timing right, so he gets some help from Dancing On Ice coach Rob, who asks Jeff about listening to the music, and Jeff confesses that he doesn't, he just reels out a sequence of steps. Oh dear. So he is taken through the very basics - counting lessons from a ballroom specialist. I was kind of hoping he'd be sent to a year one primary class. Maybe if he got a question right, they would've let him use the Flintstone phone during free play.

They're skating to 'When I Need You', and the synchronisation of his skating with Isabelle is noticeably improved. It's all a bit dull, though. I don't really watch this show for technical expertise, I watch it for full-on craziness of the sort Laura usually gives us. Still, it's a decent performance from him, and this is probably about as interesting as Jeff Brazier is ever likely to get in our lifetime. Gubba tells us Jeff's been learning to juggle this week - not for the show, just to entertain the kids. Scores Jason 7.0, Robin 7.5, Emma 8.0 for a total of 22.5 - his personal best. Jeff is happy, and forgets to draw some kind of football parallel to his score somehow. Phil asks him if he was depressed by his poor performance last week, and Jeff is like "no, I wouldn't get depressed about a ridiculous programme like this, you goon", and says that his focus this week is to deliver the quality of performance that he gave in last week's skate-off. Chris thinks Jeff has been a great partner tonight, and is getting turnout on his leg lines, and the quality and ambition of his lifts is improving.

Bunto thinks Jeff and Isabelle they had a great connection tonight. She says that the Viennese waltz is difficult, which she remembers from her third place finish on Strictly Come Dancing (memo to Bunton: no, that does not qualify you for this job) and she can't imagine doing it ON ICE. Robin likens Jeff's performance to a professional skater, and is impressed that he was so elegant on the exits of the lifts. He thinks it was very classy. Jason, thrilled to talk about something he actually understands for once, tells us about the Viennese waltz, and gets booed by idiots in the audience for mentioning that it's an old dance. Boo old things! Youth is everything! Seriously, who are these people? Jason thinks the quality of Jeff's work is definitely improving, and he's elegant. Karen is also thrilled that, despite being concerned about the waltz when she first saw it on the list, the waltz has been "one of our strongest performances". Yes, out of the two that we've seen so far, it is one of the strongest. But also one of the worst. So glad you're here, Karen.

After another ad break, the camera makes us peer right down Coleen's top at her boobs. Thanks for that, camera people. Also, Phil and Coleen have no chemistry together whatsoever. Denise and Matt are next. She got good notes last week, and is starting to believe that she "can skate a bit". She's got the samba, and is very pleased about that, but slightly concerned about the tempo. Jayne and Chris say that Denise has to prove she can skate faster. Denise says she has to sass it up and make it as sexy as possible. Lovely Matt tells her "not to do too many monkey arms". Heh. They go out to meet some professional samba dancers, and learn that it's all about moving your hips. Lovely Matt waggles his bum at the camera. I black out and miss the rest of the segment, but assume that it was something along the lines of "I had a night out, hooray, now I've got the hang of it!" I regain consciousness just in time for Denise to call herself "a Geordie Jennifer Lopez - Den from the block." Lovely Matt cackles.

They're skating to 'Let's Get Loud', and it's all a bit frantic, in the way that Sam's routines usually are. I don't like it when Sam's routines are like that, and I don't care for Denise's efforts being sloppy in that way either. Also, I am distracted throughout by the terrifying Hannah Montana wig that Denise is wearing. They're both trying to sell the routine, and I am enjoying watching Lovely Matt shake his hips, but the whole thing's a bit of a mess unfortunately. Gubba talks a lot of nonsense. Scores: Jason 4.5, Robin 5.0, Emma 5.0 for a total of 14.5. Denise thinks this was a very different routine, and she's not a speed skater by nature. "No, but your hair grows fast!" Phil chuckles. Denise thinks Jason might want to borrow it. She's disappointed to be lower than last week, but she's doing her best. Matt says that Denise is 52, and doing this because she loves it. Jayne laughs at Denise's silly costume (wouldn't you?) and thinks that Denise coped well with such a tough routine.

Coleen asks Jason why the scores have gone down. Jason says that it's supposed to be lively, rhythmical, high octane and seductive, but Denise "looked like you needed an MRI scan after it". So I guess we can add "the practice of medicine" to the things that Jason lacks any knowledge of, unless he thinks "somewhat sub-par ice dancing" is a typical side-effect of having a tumour. He thinks she wasn't on the beat, and the whole thing was messy and Denise was playing catch-up with Matt. He thinks she's good at slow-tempo stuff, but she doesn't mix well with uptempo songs. Coleen tells him to fuck off because he just insulted her friend. Bunto thinks Denise was behind the beat, but liked that she smiled through it and gave it her all. Robin enjoys Denise's commitment to the performance, but she struggled this week and wasn't delivering the steps the way they wanted her to. Karen points out that Denise can't do a slow song every week, and sometimes she has to face a challenge like this week, but she is here to enjoy herself. "Thanks, looky-likey!" Denise calls from beneath the gerbil sitting on top of her head. Ooh, burn.

Vanilla Ice and Katie are next. He says that the pressure was on last week because he was performing to his own song, and didn't want to humiliate himself. He got a great score, and says that he still gets goosebumps thinking about it. Their routine this week is to 'Like I Love You' by Justin Timberlake, which the show has decided is "a Spanish flamenco sort of thing". This entire week pretty much has "WILL THIS DO?" sprayed right across it, doesn't it? Chris says that it's hard to keep Vanilla from "busting a move" and get him to do some flamenco instead. Two flamenco experts are brought in to give him a bit of a crash course in what to do with his limbs. Chris tells Vanilla to be proud in his chest. Vanilla says he is not Vanilla Ice this week, but Roachim Cortez. Or something.

Katie looks fabulous in her flamenco outfit - I just have to say that, if only to demonstrate that I do look at aspects of the pros beyond Matt Evers' bottom. Again, there are slight synchronisation issues, but Vanilla makes a decent job of playing the matador in the routine, and you can really see at this point how much he's improved from his early days in the competition - his movement is a lot smoother and better-defined, although he's still arguably mid-pack at best in this year's batch. Gubba tries to pimp Katie out. Scores: Jason 7.0, Robin 7.0, Emma 7.5 for a total of 21.5. Phil giggles and says that Vanilla is never far from hip hop. Vanilla says he enjoyed the routine and being so out of his element - this whole competition has been a musical and skating adventure for him. Phil asks Katie if it's been a fun week, and Katie's all "um...sure?" Chris says that they had to deprogram Vanilla this week to get the hip hop out of his system, but they think he's tried really hard and focused more than ever before.

Robin says that Vanilla gave a great performance, and he's proven that he can drop his hip hop persona. Having said that, he missed "the Vanilla flavour" from the routine and quite wants to see that back next week. Jason disagrees - he thinks Vanilla got the balance right between the flamenco and the Vanilla Ice, although there were wobbles in the actual execution of the performance. Bunto - oh, here, we go - thought it was manly and sexy, and says that he caught her eye at one point and she nearly melted. Bloody hell, Bunton, stop acting like a giant hormone. It's really unnerving. Phil tells Vanilla to try looking right at Jason in future. Vanilla's all, "sure, why not?" Heh. [Anybody know if Vanilla Ice has ever done any hip hop before? WE MUST BE TOLD. - Carrie]

Midway leaderboard: Laura and Colin on top, then Jeff and Isabelle, then Vanilla Ice and Katie, and Denise and Matt at the bottom.

Adverts. Including an ad for Disney ON ICE. That placement was a no-brainer, wasn't it?

When we return, Phil does a spot of morris dancing for us. You don't get that on Strictly, do you? Sam and Brianne are next. Last week they were KNOCKED OFF THE TOP OF THE LEADERBOARD OH NOES, and were criticised for a lack of synchronicity. This is what comes of not having a fake romance anymore. They've got Irish dancing (or "Riverdance", as this show insists on calling it), and Sam has his head in his hands at the very prospect, much like a lot of the viewing audience. They get a former Riverdancer in to teach them the art of the Riverdance, and Sam and Brianne work very hard on their synchronicity. In rehearsals, two hours before the show, Sam fucks up the drape lift and drops Brianne on her back as she comes down. Oucheroo. Again: this is what happens when your showmance fizzles out so early on - there are only tears and violent recriminations.

They take to the ice. Brianne has an excellent "I know exactly how stupid this is, but fuck it" look on her face. The crowd goes nuts, but there are still some synchronicity issues. It's quite an elaborate show, however, and less manic than their usual efforts, which I appreciate. The drape lift goes right this time, thankfully, because I doubt Brianne's spine could withstand two falls like that in the same night. Gubba calls it "really authentic", because he's mad. Scores: Jason 9.0, Robin 9.0, Emma 9.0 for a total of 27.0. I guess this is Redemption Week, then. Sam says that he drank as much Lucoz--er, POWER DRINK, THAT'S WHAT I MEANT--as possible to repair his shoulder. Nice save there, Sam. Maybe he should team up with Tina O'Brien and do some kind of sponsorship deal. Jayne and Chris are very proud of him; Chris admits to having tingles. Or possibly shingles, maybe my hearing's playing up.

Bunto doesn't know how they just managed to pull off a Riverdance ON ICE. She thinks they nailed the synchronicity. Robin likes that they worked together as a partnership, and that their feet were underneath them the whole way through. As opposed to being on top of their heads. Jason thinks they're back on form for him - he didn't think the idea of Irish dancing on ice would work, but they pulled off the nuances, the cleanliness and the footwork incredibly well.

Why yes, more adverts.

Phil is in the audience with Richard and Judy, who are here every week because they don't have jobs any more. Judy gets all weepy about her "little girl" doing this, and says that she gets much more nervous than Richard does. I try and fail to look surprised. Richard says that her confidence has improved this week. Where are the parents of the other skaters? This is such favouritism. I wanted to see Laura's parents, dammit. I wanted to see whether she got her jugs from her mum or her dad. Anyway: Chloe. She thinks she got a good score last week, but she could've done better. She's got 'Kiss Kiss' for her music selection, from the country of Holly Valance. A specialist is brought in to help Chloe get the hang of the Middle Eastern hand movements that are required. Chloe makes faces of confusion. She knows that her hands are bad, and can't decide if this is good for getting her to focus on them, or bad because it's going to make everyone look at her giant ungainly claws. She's also got the helicopter lift in her routine, and is nervous about letting go once she's up there and ending up in hospital.

Michael is shirtless. It's not actually that exciting, he's kind of pigeon-chested. Chloe's hands aren't too bad, but they are a bit like lobster claws upon occasion. She's looking very cheerful this week, though, which is an improvement on her usual over-concentratey face. Her miming to the "kiss kiss" noises is a bit Bella Emberg. She gets up in the helicopter lift and manages to let go: it's a bit wild, but it'll do. She's also far too late for the final "mwah", but it's funnier that way, so I'll allow it. Gubba makes up a lot more terms for the names of the moves, including the ones we've already been told the names of. Scores: Jason 7.5, and 8.5 from Robin and Emma for a total of 24.5. Chloe's thrilled. She thanks the choreographer who came in to help, and laughs that her belt broke at the beginning and she was worried it would smack Michael in the face. Like anyone was looking at his face, though. Chloe's happy with how it all turned out, and so is Michael. Chloe kisses his naked chest. Chris and Jayne get the giggles because Jayne was ogling Michael. Chloe stands in front of Michael to help Jayne concentrate. Chris applauds Chloe for being one of the fastest skaters over the ice. [The Ghost Of Nicky Slater overtook him for a moment there. - Carrie]

Robin says that he thought Chloe might have already delivered her best and was starting to plateau, but she delivered a lot of tricky material tonight. Emma thinks that Chloe hasn't always had control over her limbs in previous weeks, but it's all getting tighter. Jason thinks she's getting back into the competition, and thinks it was exciting to see her work so fast and furiously. He thinks some of the arm choreography still wasn't quite right, and it lacked start and clean finishes. The audience boo, of course, so he points out that he's trying to help her improve with constructive criticism, so the audience responds to that with an "oooh!" that clearly has a silent "get her!" on the end of it.

After the final break, we have Johnson and Jodeyne. He showed improvement last week and impressed the judges. This week, he's skating to 'She Drives Me Crazy' by the Fine Young Cannibals, which is apparently a tango number for the purposes of this show. Okay then. Fame Academy's Kevin Adams [officially more famous than at least three-quarters of this series's line up - I actually knew who he was and everything - Carrie] comes in to help Johnson get the hang of the movements, and tells Johnson off for smiling. Johnson says that he knows how important it is to keep in step, being a soldier and everything. Kevin advises him to do "military, but sexy military". I think I've seen a few of those movies.

Kevin Adams is in the audience, poking his tongue out. Excellent. Johnson's timing with the head movements at the beginning is well off, but the general tango-ness of the piece picks up a bit after that. Although, the very idea of doing a tango ON ICE is deeply, deeply silly to my mind, more so than a lot of what we've seen this evening. There's a whole section of side jumps in the middle where it all falls apart a bit, and then a back somersault (from Jodeyne, not Johnson, just so we're clear) which is a bit unexpected and terrifying, but they finish on time, which is more than several people have managed tonight. Scores: Jason 4.5, Robin 5.0, Emma 5.0 for a total of 14.5, the same as Denise. Phil talks to Johnson about doing more lifts than ever before, and the audience applauds him for being a hero. Jodeyne thinks he's improving each week. Jayne likes that we saw the sultry, leading man side of Johnson this week, and that he had more speed and was doing bigger lifts.

What did the judges think? Jason thinks Johnson is pushing himself, but he didn't get the whole sexual tension aspect of the routine. Bunto thinks the tango is strong and passionate, and she's not sure that's Johnson's strong suit, but she applauds him for trying something different and progressing. Robin agrees, Johnson is going in the right direction and did well with the lifts. However, he saw the determination not to smile on Johnson's face, and think he might've done better to just let go. Karen thinks Johnson should've got higher marks because he had more lifts and detail, and he tried hard to incorporate the tango rhythm.

Everyone's skated, so let's see the leaderboard: Sam and Brianne are back on top, Chloe/Michael and Laura/Colin are tying for second, then Jeff and Isabelle, then Vanilla and Katie, and then Johnson/Jodeyne and Denise/Matt tying for last place.

Recap: Laura wearing the second most unflattering wig of the night and stumbling through a charleston, Jeff performing the most boring routine in the entire universe (albeit competently), Denny from the block struggling with her samba, Vanilla doing a hip hop flamenco, Sam doing Riverdance ON ICE, Chloe learning how to master her hands, and finally Johnson and his snail's pace of improvement.

One of these people will not be handed a return ticket, but who will it be?

The Skate-Off

We're back with Phil and Coleen, who looks as thrilled to be here as ever. Time for a recap: Laura got a largely positive reception for her bouncy and jovial charleston, and Laura says that it was hard to get the timing right because of all the pauses. Jeff was very refined, but Jason would've liked more emphasis on the downbeat. Jeff feels like he's dreaming and needs to pinch himself because he's bounced back from the skate-off. Denise was "messy" and "playing catch-up" according to Jason, but Karen thought she brought entertainment value. Denise says that she had a ball, and hopes that this will not be her last skate. Emma flirted with Vanilla Ice (how embarrassing for all of us) and Jason thought his flamenco routine lacked flamenco-ness. Vanilla has had a great time, and doesn't really care. Sam's Riverdance ON ICE got rave reviews and the first nines of the series, and Sam's very pleased about that, as is Brianne. He goes in for the kiss, forgetting that they've abandoned the showmance angle now. Chloe also got a good reception for her Middle Eastern routine, and says that she tried to just forget everyone else and have fun, and that seems to have worked. She's very happy to have had her best score to date. Jason didn't see any sexual tension in Johnson's tango, but Robin saw improvement. Johnson says that no matter what the judges say, he goes out there every week, has fun, and gives 100%. And is A HERO. He doesn't say that bit, but I'm editorialising.

Coleen's with the judges for some final words. Jason thinks that tonight has shown a lot of the skaters up their game, and that the margins are being narrowed between the frontrunners. He asks Coleen to remind him of the scores, and Coleen doesn't know and doesn't care to pretend otherwise. [I never thought Coleen Nolan would be personifying my thoughts live on national television. - Carrie] Robin thinks everyone was challenged, but the stars of the night were Sam and Chloe. Bunto says that the leaderboard says it all, and that Johnson and Denise struggled tonight.

Time for the results...after the break.

When we return, Phil touches his ear in the time-honoured fashion and informs us that the following couples, announced in no particular order, are safe: Chloe and Michael, Jeff and Isabelle, Johnson and Jodeyne [what was Johnson shouting at this point, and who at? - Carrie], Denise and Matt and Sam and Brianne. So that leaves Laura and Colin facing off against Vanilla Ice and Katie in the skate-off. I'd say it's a shocking result, but...eh, there were a lot of ties on the leaderboard which tends to increase the chances of an upset like this, and it's not like neither of them have circled the drain before.

Coleen pretends to care, and tells Jayne and Chris that tonight's show has tested dancing and skating abilities, unlike every other week, apparently, and Jayne says that she's surprised to see people in the skate-off who were quite high on the leaderboard. Chris thinks they both did well earlier, but there are a few small improvements they can make.

Laura and Colin return to the ice. They still have a few of the timing issues from earlier, but the charleston lift is better this time, I think. The float spin gets off the ground a little more smoothly too. Also, I find myself increasingly taken with that kind of multicoloured argyle tank top that Colin's wearing. I mean, I couldn't pull it off myself, but I think it's actually an amazing garment. [I TOLD you. I know your clothes taste better than you do, apparently. This worries me. - Carrie] Jayne thinks this performance was even cleaner than the first one.

Vanilla Ice and Katie are next, to reprise their flamenco number. His performance has improved from earlier, but his arm placements still leave a fair bit to be desired. It's a good performance, with solid skating and a real commitment to the choreography. Vanilla says that he enjoys the whole experience, even the skate-off. Chris thinks he gave another great performance, and that he gives it his all every time on the ice.

Time for Vanilla and Laura to head back out onto the ice to find out which one of them is staying. Robin says that he didn't expect to see either of them there "for at least another two weeks" (charming - also, didn't he say that last time Vanilla Ice was in the skate-off, against Jennifer?), but votes to save Laura. Emma says this has been the toughest decision so far, but votes to save Laura. Jason votes for Laura as well, so she's back next week, and Vanilla Ice will be ON ICE no more.

Vanilla Ice thanks everyone for the experience, and we get a VT of him being charming and incredibly fearless, if a bit mediocre as an ice dancer for the most part. Vanilla and Katie get their flowers and take to the ice for their lap of honour. Coleen and Phil thank everyone for this week's performances, and the other six couples make rapper gestures at Vanilla and Katie from the safety of the side. Phil promises another new challenge next week, tells Holly to get well soon, and we're out of there. [Next week - some old shit that I'll have to watch in order to recap despite caring less about it now than Coleen does! WOOHOO! See you then! - Carrie]

Skillz to pay the bills

2011-02-20T18:33:00.000Z

Ultimate skillzorz test

Tx: 20th February 2011

Four months ago, a troupe of unfamous people started to skate and have fallen over a lot! Now, "only" eight of them are left, and they must undergo the ULTIMATE! SKILLZORZ! TEST! Kerry isn't Peter Pan! Sam might kill Brianne! And Ray FUCKING Quinn is going to resurface, isn't he? Fuck.

I'm not well. I'm not able for this shit.

Titles!

Who or what is Rumer? Actually, don't bother telling me, I don't actually care. [I have literally no idea who she is, but whenever she appears on something I'm always faintly disappointed that she isn't Rumer Willis. Dunno why. - Steve] She sings a version of What The World Needs Now. Her face looks like a toffee apple. Jayne and Chris skate. I get distracted by the singing girl going flat and not being able to sustain any notes. Also, Jayne is frickin' amazing. If I were Nicky Slater I'd ring Chris and tell him that he's fortunate to have done so well in life because Jayne is the difference between him and everyone else in the world, but I'm not.

Here are Phil and Holly, who has BALLOONED WITH BABY in the past seven days. She is wearing a pretty cornflower-blue muumuu. They witter on about the freakin' Ultimate Skillzorz Test some more. They have to do steps, jumps and spins. "Now it really matters!" claims the voiceover. Does it? Does it really? I'm going with "no". [I do however appreciate the implication that everything up to this point has been entirely meaningless, though. - Steve] Chris reckons everyone has been struggling with at least one element; Jayne says to look out for Sam, Chloe, Vanilla ICE and Laura. Because they are the ones who are not entirely shit.

Here are the contestants, then - Johnson and Jodeyne; Laura and Colin; Kerry and Dan; Jeff and Isabelle (who is just in her underwear); Chloe and Michael (who looks a bit scrawny); Denise and Matt (who starred on BBC Three last night); Vanilla ICE and Katie; and Sam and Brianne, who I actually remembered this time, probably because Jayne reminded me about them five seconds ago.

Break!

Last week, Michael starred as Enjolras in an entirely rewritten version of Les Mis, and Emma lied that Chloe could be world-class, because clearly she'd know. This week, Chloe has to do Ultimate Skillzorz, and has mostly shouted at poor Michael. With massive understatement, he says she is being hard to work with. She blames it on losing confidence. Whatever, you miserable moo. Like Bunton, though, she reckons she gets panic attacks. It pissed me off when Bunton used to claim she had panic attacks just before she went on stage on Strictly. If you were having real panic attacks, bint, you wouldn't be standing, let alone dancing. What you mean is that you're nervous.

Anyway, they skate to Little Bird, and some of Chloe's lines are very ugly, but they do a really mad bit where she's upside down and pumping her fists, which is clearly brilliant. First set of marks - Jason 5.5, Robin 5.5 and Emma 7.5 for 18.5. Chloe apologises to Michael for being a bitch all week. Phil makes excuses for her. Michael taunts us with the idea that the series is nearly over. Robin says there are up to six points for the skills and four for performance, and then utterly confuses me, so I'll hope Steve understood that. [No such luck. - Steve] Emma says she gave Chloe 1.5 out of 2 for each of her three skills, because Emma is qualified to judge on skating skills, you see. Jason says something about being grotesque. Karen and Judy pull similar bitchfaces.

Break!

Back with a joke about Denise being a dirty old perv, and then it's over to Johnson and Jodeyne. Chris and Jayne say that Johnson enjoyed the sentiment of his pointless illogical Spamalot homage last week, which is good, because nobody else did. Chris is making Johnson lift Jodeyne over his head, because just doing the Ultimate Skillzorz isn't good enough. And hooray, lovely Sean turns up to show Johnson how to be a Real Man and throw Jodeyne about properly. "Keep her safe, OK?" he says, before adding with an ironic quaver, "she's my pride and joy."

Look at Jodeyne and Sean doing proper skating to the Apprentice music (from 3min 50secs). Loving the bit where he throws her in the air and she twizzles. She is older than she looks, obviously. And he had hair!

Anyway, they're skating to She Will Be Loved, and the lift is fairly ugly, but Jodeyne doesn't fall and nor does Johnson, and I think everyone is basically happy with that. Scores - Jason 4.5, Robin 5.0 and Emma 5.0 for a total of 14.5. Phil points out that he did all the skillzorz and a lift. Jodeyne is proud, of course. Chris says the scores are lower because of the skillzorz.

Seriously, I cannot get over this. When they've spent the entire series telling us Jason is marking the dance, Emma is marking performance, and Robin is the skating expert, how can they possibly now ask Jason and Emma to award 60 per cent of their marks to the skating when they do not know anything about it? [And Robin sort of suggested earlier that either all of the other week's marks are meaningless, or this week's marks are meaningless. Either way, the two seem to be incompatible. - Steve]

Right, back to the rink. Simon Weston is in the audience. Emma talks. I'm bored.

Laura and Colin now, skating to Sam Brown's Stop!, which is Steve's favourite song. They go and meet that absolute twat from Pineapple Studios for a random pointless dance class. Laura's spins are slow OVER THE ICE and that's not a very flattering skirt length on her. There's a great lift, though Laura struggles to keep her legs steady and thuds back down, and her steps are good. Frankly, though, the most notable thing about this routine is the way they have butchered the soundtrack. [I really liked this routine. I didn't even notice that they'd butchered the song, so it must have been good. Although a lot of the songs were really truly massacred tonight. - Steve] Scores - straight 8.5.s for a total of 25.5.

While the judges talk for a bit, watch this. It's CRAZY.

By the way, I just heard Bunton say, "I couldn't fault that." Yes, because you know fuck-all about skating.

Break!

Tedious old Jeff now. Last week he was being Raoul, except even more tedious and wet. This week he is going to perform his skillzorz, but reminds us that he fell out of the last spin that he tried to do. In rehearsal he smacks his elbow, and then in dress rehearsal he clatters himself and Isabelle, which is frankly a bit excessive. They're skating to Forget You, and though Jeff splatters up a storm of ice every time he has to spin or do steps and none of them are synchronised, he doesn't fall over or maim Isabelle, who remains the most attractive person left in the competition. [YOU TAKE THAT BACK. - The Matt Evers Appreciation Society] Scores - Jason 5.5, Robin 5.5 and Emma 5.0 for 16.0. Jeff blathers about his nerves and needing to attack the routine. Isabelle, it is interesting to note, is smiling but leaning very obviously away from him. Emma witters on about fancying Jeff, Jason says it was messy and misplaced, Robin says the content was hard. Karen says she agrees with the comments but reiterates how hard the content was. Jason interrupts, and then Robin puts his Head Judge hat on to explain why some skaters get hard content they can't really do. Jeff keeps fucking whinging about needing to be pushed. At this point, Steve suggested on Twitter that FRANKIE! might be able to push him. After a lengthy discussion, we decided that between us we could fulfil his pushing requirements, shoving him from one side of the rink to the other, on his FACE. Problem solved.

Break!

Phil welcomes us back and also says hello to "the wonderful Coleen Nolan". That's funny, I thought she was the entirely mediocre Coleen Nolan. She is pleased that she didn't have to do Ultimate Skillzorz, and is no longer skating. Good, well, that was a job worth doing then, wasn't it? She is of course supporting Denise and Matt, who are the next to skate with a "packed routine". Lovely Matt tells her all week that she can do things, when the evidence suggests completely the opposite. They're skating to True Colours (wearing entirely white costumes) and poor Lovely Matt, he's really struggling to make his skating as slow and simple as Denise's is. That must actually be very tricky. "A brave attempt," says Gubba, and it's rewarded with straight 5.5s and a total of 16.5 - her highest ever. Simon Weston is sitting next to Tim Healy who gets to his feet and waves his arms, possibly the most animated he has ever been on this show. Well done, Tim Healy! Everyone keeps saying "serenity". Jason says he is proud of Denise. Karen genuinely looks like she is imagining new and varied ways to kill him.

Next, Sam and Brianne. Sam is happy with his skillzorz, but he is worried that Laura is catching him up. In order to wow the crowds, he's going to risk Brianne's life in the headbanger, which the show is trying to tell us is the first one EVAH by a male "celeb". "It's a move that is left to the professionals," says Chris, with tremendous understatement. Karen tells Sam that if he gets to the moment and he's not absolutely sure, then he DOES NOT DO THE MOVE. I like that we are ignoring David Seaman's near-decapitation of Pam in their headbanger, which was Pam's fault for presenting her boot wrongly, but they still did it. As Steve rightly blogged in the curtain-raiser to last series: "VO Phil says that the only non-professional man to ever attempt the headbanger was David Seaman." Phil, can your memory really have deteriorated that much in the space of a year? Or are you hoping ours have?

Anyway, they skate, it's fine, quite dull, Brianne doesn't die, who cares? [She does wallop her arm on the ice several times, and looks pretty annoyed when she comes back up. - Steve] Scores are 1.0 less than Laura, so that is funny. Phil asks Brianne about shouting during the headbanger. Apparently she shouts, "OUT!" when she's had enough. (Fnar.) Jayne makes a snarky comment about it being the only "travelling headbanger" she's ever seen, because Sam failed to stay fixed on the spot. Stupid audience people boo Jason for giving Sam 1.5 instead of 2.0 for one of the elements. I wasn't paying attention, I'm sorry. Once more, we can but hope Steve can fill in the blanks for me. [Jason tells the people who are booing to get a fucking grip. For once, I am entirely in agreement with him. - Steve]

Break!

Kerry and Dan next. She talks a lot in her VT and I'm not actually convinced that it's in English. She's worried about jumping. Karen ties her into a weird fishing-rod harness to practise, which apparently helps. Well done, Karen! And actually, Kerry manages to skate by herself for a large proportion of the routine, even when she's not supposed to be and Dan is holding his hand out to her fruitlessly. Gubba informs us that Kerry's booked a holiday next week. Scores - Jason 2.5, Robin 3.0 and Emma 3.5 for a total of 9.0, her lowest ever. "It's only a TV show!" she says. "I'm having a good time!" Jason says Kerry has given up on herself and that is a shame.

Break!

Hey, shall we watch some Nicky and Karen?

This week, Vanilla ICE is ON ICE to ICE ICE Baby! "What if I screw up my own song?" he wonders. So. Many. Jokes. "I can't dance like that on ice," he points out. Then brilliantly, he dances on his blades at the side of the rink with Katie and Chris trying to copy. "Ice Ice Katie!" he keeps singing.

Ah, so this is why he has this week's pimp slot. They dance in front of the panel for a bit. Jason is LOVING it. This is really, really good, actually. He is singing along. Is that more acceptable for Jason, do you think, as it's his own song he's syncing to? Gubba claims Vanilla ICE is not doing this show for the money. Then - what the hell is he doing it for? Scores - 7.5, 7.5 and 7.0 for a total of 22.0. "I never thought that my job would lead me to this," says Katie, with massive understatement. Robin says it was the best overall performance of the night. Huzzah! Then Emma starts to flap because she meant to give 7.5 too. So that's 22.5 overall. [So apparently we can add "button-pushing" to the things that Bunton is not qualified to do correctly. - Steve] Vanilla ICE thanks Jayne and Chris, Jayne and Chris thank Vanilla ICE. It's all good.

So that's it! Laura and Colin are top, Kerry and Dan are bottom. Time for Wild at Heart? [Or, if you're me, True Blood recorded on the V+ box. - Steve] Join us again in an hour...

Results show

Phil welcomes us back, and he and Holly keep saying "skills". Time for a recap? Don't mind if I do. Chloe is happy with her marks as it was a difficult week, and her parents are proud of her. Johnson liked the lift, which he thought felt really good. Laura and Colin were nervous but are amazed at their scores. Jeff hopes he will stay in. Denise is reeling from the nice comments from Jason. Sam whines about not being top, but apparently you can't be top all the time. Well, no, not if you're not the best one. Ray FUCKING Quinn managed it though. Kerry is sure she will be in the skate-off. Phil and Holly mock her. Vanilla ICE loves his great partner and is glad that Robin thought they were best.

Over to the judges. Jason notes that the skillzorz test affected overall performance. Wasn't that the idea? Concentrating on skillzorz over performance? Robin says that the celebrities mostly did quite well. Nobody cares what Bunton thinks, but then they never do.

Time for some results? Touch your ear! Through - Denise and Matt; Sam and Brianne; Laura and Colin; Vanilla ICE and Katie; Chloe and Michael; and time for an ad break before the final couple is announced................................

....................................................

.........................................................and it's Johnson and Jodeyne, who begins to dance around like a mad thing. I increasingly heart Jodeyne. So it's Kerry and Dan v Jeff and Isabelle in the skate-off, and we might as well save time here because we know what's going to happen. Jayne thinks skillzorz week has made an impact on the leaderboard. Chris suggests both couples skate better. Good idea, Chris! Anyway, Jeff and Isabelle are definitely loads better this time round, and Kerry and Dan look like they've been in the pub, including a desperate section where Kerry nearly falls out of a lift. (Not an elevator lift. A lift ON ICE.) Kerry bellows at Phil about it having been an honour and now is going to swim to her holiday. Dan, Jayne and Chris patronise Kerry for trying hard, and Chris says Dan is great for not letting Kerry die. Anyway, everybody saves Jeff and bids Kerry farewell.

Kerry starts to cry, of course, and thanks everybody in the country, reiterating that her kids are proud. She then points at everyone in the studio and thanks them too. Dan diplomatically says that partnering Kerry has been a "journey" and she is his winner.

Next week is the Dancing on Ice World Tour. What the hell is that going to be? [I have my fingers crossed for The Amazing Race ON ICE. - Steve] Find out with Steve! Until then, goodnight!

Comedy of errors

2011-02-14T00:16:00.000Z

Theatre week: 13th February 2010

Last week! 10 contestants performed! There was a SHOCK BOTTOM TWO featuring Jennifer and Handsome Sylvain and Vanilla Ice ON ICE and Katie, and the panel opted to send Jennifer home, thus depriving us (and by "us", I mean "me") of the opportunity to admire Handsome Sylvain and his Lovely Arms and Swoonsome Gallic Indifference for the rest of the series. Heartless bastards. What fresh torment do they have in store for us this week? Jumps, apparently. Cue lots of training footage of people falling over, even though most people will probably not fall over on the night. This is one of the reasons why this show is inevitably so disappointing. It is also West End Night, apparently, so everyone will be doing musical-style numbers and making lots of groansome theatrical puns. [I tweeted Robin on Sunday afternoon and begged him to reprise his Frank N Further or Teen Angel. To no avail. So if you've come here in the vague expectation that this show would actually draw on the knowledge of people in its cast with actual West End experience, you will be sorely disappointed. Unless you get excited by the sight of a Dreamcoat. - Carrie] Two couples will have to perform an "encore" (except "encores" are generally for performances that had a good reception, so, whatever the opposite of an encore is) and it'll be curtains for one of them.

Titles! Phil and Holly are here. Phil's suit is disappointingly un-shiny, and there seems to be a button in the middle of his tie for reasons I can't quite fathom. Holly and Phil joke that Phil is one of those audience members who rustles crisp packets and slurps his drink, even though we all know Phil's the perfect gentleman. If anyone from this show is likely to cause problems at the theatre, it'll be Holly's Boobs meaning that whoever sits behind her has a Restricted View. Anyway, shall we meet our skating stars? Yes, let's - and I shall attempt to judge which musical they will be homaging this evening based on their costumes.

Chloe and Michael (something involving gay pirates in the 1800s if Michael's outfit is anything to go by), Vanilla Ice and Katie (clearly Grease, because Katie has Slutty Sandy hair), Denise and Matt (Chicago, clearly, because Lovely Matt is wearing a mesh top, presumably as this show's means of apologising to me for Sylvain's absence. I am appeased, show. FOR NOW), Dave and FRANKIE! (oh God, it's clearly Hair, I'm cringing already), Laura and Squinty Colin (Hairspray, obviously), Jeff and Isabelle (Phantom, although I would've liked a face mask), Sam and Brianne (Deckchairs: The Musical judging by his jacket), Kerry and Daniel (Avenue Q, judging by the fact that Daniel will continue to stick his hand up Kerry to operate her), and Johnson and Jodeyne (...is there a musical featuring O'Chunks from Super Paper Mario? If so, that one).

No one has addressed my complaints about this part of the show, so: everyone stands there awkwardly like planks until Jayne and Chris arrive, at which point they're allowed to wave at us. Phil and Holly remind us that the special skill for this week is The Jump, which will be demonstrated by some of the stars of yesteryear. I do hope one of them is Zaraah Abrahams. The skaters must jump unassisted (so no help from your partner, KERRY) and both blades must leave the ice. Chris tells us that there are good and precarious jumps ahead - Jeff will have to do three jumps in a row, and Johnson will be doing some good ones, while Vanilla Ice is attempting something rather Evel Knievel like. Phil reminds us that next week is the Ultimate Skills Test, which Jayne says that this will put extra pressure on the celebs. But that's next week, so let's not bother ourselves with that just yet.

When we return from an ad break (yep, after just over seven minutes of content), it's time for our first couple: Jeff and Isabelle. Last week he was vastly improved, so we're told, and Jeff thinks he's "on the upward climb" now. He tells us that the usual doubt that plagues his rehearsals is gone. Gone, I tell you! Jayne says that Jeff's been asking for more difficult moves, and they've been giving them to him. He falls over a lot practising the jump sequence, and admits that they're giving him sleepless nights.

They're skating to 'All I Ask Of You' (told ya) from The Phantom Of The Opera [the Michael Ball solo version. Why isn't ex-guest-judge Michael Ball in the studio performing this? SWIZZ. - Carrie]. Jeff is not wearing a face-obscuring mask, which is a little bit disappointing. His skating's a lot more confident this week and the routine's far more fluid as a result, though there's still something faintly mechanical about it to my mind. He performs his three jumps (which are more like hops, really) with toe-loops to follow and it's a good, clean performance. Gubba refers to one manoeuvre as the "Christine cuddle" (give me strength). Scores: Jason 6.5, Robin 8.0, Emma 7.5 for a total of 22.0. Jeff punches the air in glee, and then I don't know what to do with myself because he discusses his score without mentioning football at all. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JEFF BRAZIER? Jeff tells Phil that he wants to keep improving and build on this performance if he's back next week. Jayne tells Phil that Jeff has done three different jumps to demonstrate his versatility, and she's sure he'll have an excellent spin next week.

Robin admires Jeff's control over his blades and the way he takes care of Isabelle. He also singles out the individual control in the jump. Control is our word of the week, apparently. Jason says that as the "dance expert" and with it being "theatre week" and with me being slightly addicted to "inverted commas", he's looking at "your overall artistic impression". He feels Jeff is definitely improving and has great control with his upper body, but failed to convey the romance of the piece. At times, he thought Jeff's face was "very pedestrian, like you were waiting for a bus." Surely if you're waiting for a bus, you're not really a pedestrian any more? The camera cuts to Karen, simmering. Bunto admires the power of Jeff's skating, but tells Jeff that if he ever wants to perform in a theatre (because Bunto is apparently now an expert on the theatre arts) he needs to feel it "here" so she can see it "here". I'd try to transcribe the gestures she makes to accompany those words, but it's not like it'd mean anything either way.

After the break, it's time for Denise and Lovely Matt. Denise recalls getting her mojo back last week and vows to keep it. She can't allow herself to step back - except she's totally going to. Chris says that Denise doesn't have a big jump, but has to do three smaller ones back to back. Unfortunately, this is a Busy Week for Denise, because she's off doing Loose Women an' ting, and also visiting her children in The North who, due to an unfortunate piece of video editing, appear to live in an ice rink. Denise complains that she is tired, and falls over a lot as a result. However, she vows to keep going, and says she'll continue even if she falls over.

She's skating to 'Roxie' from Chicago [the film version, not the stage version, and not the Ruthie Henshall version. Why is ex-judge Ruthie Henshall not in the studio performing this? SWIZZ. - Carrie] and, as my boyfriend rightly pointed out, Lovely Matt has a sequin over each nipple. Brilliant. Denise vamps a bit on the kiss-and-cry area at the start of her routine before leaping into Matt's arms (lucky her). Her skating's less impressive this time, it's a bit more staccato and unsure, but she's gamely mugging for all she's worth , and just about manages the lifts before finishing with an aeroplane spin, then Matt removes her jacket and Denise strikes an end pose in front of the ice panel. Gubba calls Roxie Hart "the perfect role for Denise", despite the fact that she's about 20 years too old for it, even by the fairly loose standards of West End stunt casting, and then likens Denise to former president Mubarak. Does anyone on this show even listen to him? How is he still there? Tim Healy continues to look bored in the audience, bless him. Scores: Jason 4.0, Robin 4.5, Emma 4.5 for a total of 13.0. Denise congratulates herself for wearing a leotard on TV at the age of 52, and rightly so. She talks us through her falls, but says that she loves the routine and Chicago. Lovely Matt congratulates her on the jumps. Chris thinks she did well to bounce back after the falls.

Jason congratulates Denise on her "delightful derriere", and isn't even being sarcastic. Between this and Jeff's lack of football commentary, I'm starting to think that this week's Dancing On Ice is being beamed to us live from Bizarro World. Jason explains that the Fosse arms were more like windscreen wipers, and little nuances like the teacup fingers were missing from the routine, and he feels that she didn't quite capture the wannabe starlet aspect of the number. Robin praises Denise's lovely lady jumps and does that hugely irritating "was it X? No! Was it Y? Yes or maybe!" construction that I really wish he'd just drop already. He wishes she'd had last week's speed and gusto this week that could've improved the routine. Bunto has worked a lot on Bob Fosse choreography (a likely story) [seriously, when does she claim to have done this? She hasn't even BEEN in Chicago, and EVERYBODY who's ever auditioned has played Roxie at one point or another. - Carrie] and feels that wasn't quite right. She missed the cheekiness, at which point Denise clarifies that she was going for "smouldering" and Jason hoots that she didn't pull that off either.

Sam and Brianne are next. Last week he got the highest score of the series and hugely positive comments. Jayne thinks he'll be getting tens soon enough. Sam thinks Laura, Chloe and Jeff are closing in on him. Chris thinks that Sam has a tough week to keep ahead as his jumps will be under scrutiny. He falls over a lot, once landing right on his hipbone, but soldiers on. He takes a tumble in the dress rehearsal, and intones gravely that people expect a lot from him. You will note a conspicuous lack of Valentine's-themed Sam/Brianne showmance bobbins in this week's VT. I can't imagine why.

Their routine is to 'Flash Bang Wallop' from Half A Sixpence, and as such is complete with lots of "hilarious" Cockernee affectations, flailing limbs and gurning. There's no denying that they're slick - they even get a photographer at the side of the ice even though it is not Props Week - and Sam's jumps are impressive. They even incorporate a float spin, indicating the level of trust in their relationship. It's just a bit too frantic for my tastes, perhaps - I get that franticness is the actual point of this routine, but I think I'd rather they didn't push Sam quite so hard so fast, as it's hard to enjoy a routine that goes so damned fast and doesn't leave you time to process it. Gubba likens it to Hayley's 'Jai Ho' performance from last year. I remain unconvinced just yet. Scores: 8.5s across the board for a total of 25.5. Phil calls the routine "almost as complicated as your love life." Hee hee hee. Sam says he's loving every second and wants to stay in as long as possible. Jayne is impressed with how much he managed to pull off in one routine, and thinks he covered any mistakes with performance quality. Chris likes that it didn't require big lifts to grab scores.

Bunto loved it, but if she's being picky - and she is - she spotted synchronisation issues. Jason thinks it was full of character and energy, but agrees with Emma about the synch issues. Robin agrees with both of them, and says that he's "nailed [Sam] in the past" (FNAR) over his feet not being quite as clean as they should be - he's still not quite there, but he's getting there. Holly throws to Karen, who is not spoiling for a fight this week, and she says that it was a whole performance as far as she's concerned.

Next up, because we have one less contestant this week but still the same timeslot, we have some pointless filler. Hooray! Rachel Tucker is here to perform 'Defying Gravity' from Wicked. Her greenface looks a little roughly applied - her cheeks are kind of yellow. Also, I am greatly disappointed that she does not change any of the lyrics of the song to include her own name. The lyrics of the song have been tampered slightly to allow for the fact that it's no longer a duet, and this version doesn't really flow as well as the proper one, but there are people SKATING (Sean, Jodeyne, Alexandra and Lukasz) and SUSPENDED FROM WIRES (they are DEFYING GRAVITY, do you see?). There's also a camera trained on Rachel's face the whole time, and she occasionally catches Barrowmanitis, where what works brilliantly when playing to the back of a large theatre doesn't work quite so well on the somewhat subtler medium of television. Still, it's lovely to see her again, and if I hadn't seen the show already and the tickets weren't like £60 a pop I'd totally go and see her as Elphaba. [Watch out for that quote on a poster near you soon, folks! - Carrie]

Kerry and Daniel are next. Kerry thinks last week was the worst performance she's ever done. Oh Kerry - don't think we don't remember Atomic Kitten. She's surprised that the public kept her in, and wants to do her best to thank them. Her song this week is 'There's No Business Like Showbusiness', which excites Kerry because it's fun. Her skating is still so crap, though, that Head Coach Karen takes her into a remedial class where her arms are harnessed to her legs and she has to learn everything from the beginning again. Kerry thinks this has been very helpful with all the aspects of her routine - she even knows the actual words for the individual parts of the routine now! She just hopes the judges are impressed.

The routine's a proper gurnathon, and Kerry's clearly trying to reinvent herself as a comedy value contestant. Her solo jump comes right at the top of her routine and doesn't even require her to land unassisted. Beyond that, it's business as usual - Kerry struggling whenever she has to fend for herself, and relying on a lot of big lifts for oomph. Scores: 4.0s all round for a total of 12.0. Kerry cheers because her scores are going up. She tells Phil that she enjoys this song because it's kind of making fun of herself, and that going back to basics with Karen really helped. Dan says that Kerry let herself go and tried her best. Chris thinks that Kerry bounced back into life when she heard her music this week.

Jason tells Kerry that she's still getting carried around too much (true) and the required element wasn't landed by itself, and he's worried about how she'll fare with the Ultimate Skills Test next week. He's not sure that she's up to the standard of the others. Bunto, with some coaching from Holly, tells Kerry her confidence has improved and this sort of performance suits her better, but she's "getting away with" more than everyone else. Except not, because you're all pointing it out. Robin tells Kerry that she needs to spend the next week playing catch-up if she's still around to get herself up to standard for next week. Karen says that they need to continue the good work with Kerry. Holly asks if Kerry has it in her to be a good skater, and Jason shouts "no!", but is ignored by everyone else (hooray! They're learning!) and Karen says that it's all a confidence issue.

When we return from the ads, Phil identifies Jedward in the audience, just so we all know which direction to lob our popcorn in. Chloe and Michael are on next. This week they're skating to 'On My Own' from Les Mis, which Chloe loves, and identifies as a romantic song with lots of emotion required. No flies on her, clearly. Chloe worries that she won't be able to act it as well as Michael and get the emotion right. Chris advises her to tell a story through her face, and Chloe says that she loves the routine and wants to do Chris and Jayne proud, but she doesn't know if she's good enough to pull it all off.

Richard Madeley hollers encouragement from the audience as always, and they begin the routine. The improvement in Chloe is really noticeable this week - she's really lyrical in her movements, and I think she's selling the emotion of the song rather well. Also, my boyfriend pointed out that she kind of looked unusually hot this week, and you know what? He's not wrong. Her jumps are a little rough around the edges, but the rest of the routine is really rather good, so I'm willing to overlook that, for now at least. [NB - Why is Michael in an Enjolras costume? - Carrie] Gubba tries to explain the plot of Les Mis for the six people who don't know it, and cracks a joke about Chloe being on screen more often than her parents. By which he means "at all". Scores: Jason 6.5, Robin 8.0, Emma 7.5 for a total of 22.0. Chloe tells Phil that this was the most nervous she's ever been doing the show, and while she thinks she fluffed a step, she was really happy with her performance. Michael thinks she's getting there with the facial expressions. Jayne says that they love to challenge Chloe every week and give her something new to work on.

Robin tells Chloe that he wasn't watching her, he was watching Michael. It sounds like an insult, but what he means is that because Chloe was such a reliable and professional partner, she was always in the right place for Michael. I'm still not entirely sure it's a compliment, but okay, Robin. He thinks it lacked an emotional connection, though. Jason didn't feel the emotional consistency throughout the performance - she lost the longing and the passion at times, and he feels there wasn't enough light and shade in her execution of the choreography. Emma thinks there's "a little sparkle" missing from Chloe's performance. Thanks for the constructive feedback there, Bunto, I'm sure she'll find the specific detail you gave her hugely helpful.

Midway leaderboard: Sam and Brianne at the top, Jeff and Chloe tied for second, then Denise, then Kerry.

Next up are Johnson and Jodeyne. Jayne thinks Johnson's skating wasn't up to the usual standard last week. Johnson vows to get stronger this week. He'll be dancing to 'Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life' from Spamalot, which Jayne is hoping will bring out the cheeky side of him. Johnson finds it hard to get into character because he has "no acting skills", so he gets sent off for comedy training with Marcus Brigstocke. Can I just say this was such a missed opportunity to get Jodie Prenger to show off her Spamalot experience? I bet she'd have done an amazing comedy masterclass. [Pfft. Better King Arthurs than Marcus Brigstocke include Tim Curry, Simon Russell Beale, Peter Davison, Sanjeev Bhaskar and JIM ROBINSON FROM NEIGHBOURS, who remains my favourite ever. - Carrie] Anyway, Marcus encourages Johnson to be more cartoony in his performance, and Johnson vows to go out there and have fun.

Johnson's acting is very much by the numbers and cartoony. It's still not funny, but at least he's trying, bless him. [I do not understand his costume in any way, shape or form. - Carrie] His jumps are a little bit Bambi-like, and I kind of lose interest in the routine about halfway through because nothing's really happening. Even Gubba can't think of much to say. Scores: Jason 4.5, Robin 5.0, Emma 5.5 for a total of 15.0. Johnson thinks that was his best routine so far, and that the acting lessons with Marcus were very helpful. [You'd have been a damn sight better off if you'd rung JIM ROBINSON FROM NEIGHBOURS. - Carrie] Jodeyne is very proud of him. Chris says that he's happy the public's getting to see the funny, witty Johnson that they know. He's also impressed with Johnson's SPEED OVER THE ICE.

Jason says that the beginning of the routine showed promise and characterisation, but Johnson lost character halfway and reverted to smiley normalness. Robin says that Johnson hasn't really been smiley since week one anyway, and he loved being able to enjoy Johnson enjoying the performance. And I enjoyed Robin enjoying Johnson enjoying the performance. Or something. Bunto is grinning like a loon and enjoyed the SPEED OVER THE ICE and the comedy and the fact that Johnson takes on a new evening class for the show's benefit every week.

When we return from the ads, Phil's donned his old technicolour dreamcoat from his Joseph days and recites all the colours just to prove to us all that he still can. He's so adorable. Vanilla and Katie are next. Vanilla says that being in the skate-off was stressful and he doesn't want to have to go back there. Jayne and Chris have given him a waltz jump and a toe loop, which he struggles with at first, but as he gets better, he starts to get increasingly creative - he's going to jump over Katie. ON ICE. "It's quite scary," Katie understates. She's a bit nervous. We could be having our very first decapitation ON ICE, kids. Karen can barely watch.

They're skating to 'Born To Hand Jive' from Grease - ahh, so presumably Katie is being Cha Cha rather than Slutty Sandy. Either way, it's a good look on her. Vanilla Ice's skating is a bit more controlled this week, though still somewhat haphazard in places. His solo jumps go okay, though his first toe loop is a bit sloppy. He successfully makes the jump over Katie without injuring either of them, and you can see the relief on her face when she sits up. Scores: Jason 6.5, Robin 8.0, Emma 6.5 for a total of 21.0. Robin's kind of confusing me with his scores this evening. Vanilla says that he would've sacrificed his body if the jump went wrong in order to save Katie. Katie doesn't look especially convinced.

Robin says that tonight he saw a figure skater who was so much stronger than usual, and he congratulates Katie on being brave enough to risk her life for light entertainment. Emma compliments Vanilla on his improved posture, and she loves the way he performs, though she felt it was less free-spirited than usual. Jason said that it was disjointed, and that while Vanilla is normally great with the lifts, there were a few tonight that lacked dynamism. Jedward heckle him from the audience, then applaud themselves. Sometimes I feel this show is beneath all of us, I really do.

Dave and FRANKIE! are next. Dave thinks that last week's performance was "a shocker". He'll be skating to 'Aquarius' from Hair this week, and since his step sequence last week was sub-par, Chris and Jayne are hoping he can raise the game with his jumps. FRANKIE! points out how hard it is to land properly. As Dave struggles with his second jump (a toe loop), Chris and Jayne amend the routine to include two waltz jumps instead, which Dave is happier with. Ooh, he rejected the choreography! I smell trouble brewing.

Sara Cox is in the audience next to Chris Moyles! I love Sara Cox. I do not love Chris Moyles. Obviously, this is a comedy routine, but most of the comic heavy lifting is being done by the costume and wigs, and Dave is just basically doing a smell-the-fart face underneath it all. He lands both of his jumps, which is nice. Gubba tells the "kids" in the audience that this is how their parents dressed in the sixties, even though I should imagine most of the "kids" probably don't have parents who were alive in the sixties. You're showing your age, Gubba. [Seriously. Every.Sodding.Series. It's the 21st century, Gubba! - Carrie] Scores: Jason and Emma 4.0, and 4.5 from Robin for a total of 12.5. Dave is pleased that his score is going up. He says that he was surprised to land the jumps, and he's had a bit of a "wobble week". FRANKIE! says that Dave is improving week on week, and she thinks he'll be fine with next week's Ultimate Skills Test. Chris thinks Comedy Dave is back, since we lost him last week in the same place we lost Kerry. Behind the sideboard, or whatever. He says that Dave is one of the hardest working contestants.

Bunto hoots and makes a bunch of meaningless noise until she cops that the costuming did most of the work - she thinks there's nothing in his face or eyes and it feels like he's going through the motions. She wants Comedy Dave back. Jason says that it's a number about reckless abandonment, and that Dave spent too much time looking down at the ice and not engaging with the audience. Robin thinks there's positivity - Dave made the jumps, for starters. However, he thinks Chris's comment about Dave being a hard worker is telling, because we can see the hard work in his face. Even Karen finds it hard to say nice stuff beyond "Dave works really hard" and basically admits that every day working with Dave is a day that she needs danger money. Poor Karen.

Our final contestant of the night is Laura. Last week she was epicmazing to Celine Dion and narrowed the gap on Sam, but she admits that she still hasn't quite rivalled him yet. She explains that this week's routine is very challenging, and she'll also be adding a backward flip, which has never been pulled off by a celeb on this show. As tradition dictates, she has several accidents in rehearsals and doesn't pull it off in the dress rehearsal, leaving an element of doubt (well, "doubt") over whether she'll pull it off on the night or not.

She's skating to 'You Can't Stop The Beat' from Hairspray. It suffers from a few of the same problems as Sam's - it's a bit too frenetic to really appreciate properly, and there's also a lift at the beginning that's so awkward-looking that the first time I saw it I thought it was a botch job, but apparently no, it was supposed to look like that. Her tits are bouncing around merrily again and OMIGOD SHE LANDS THE BACKWARD FLIP! That was pretty awesome. After that, she does her solo jumps which feel a bit of an afterthought at this point but she executes those well as well. She looks ecstatic when the routine finishes, as well she might. In the replay, it looks a bit like after she lands the backward flip, she gives Colin a little tap on the hip as if to go "yeah! We did it!" I don't know if that's actually what happened or not, but if so, it's super-cute. Scores: 8.5s all round for a total of 25.5 and a spot at the top of the leaderboard, joint with Sam. Laura tells Phil that seeing that VT beforehand was quite scary. Phil asks her if she was worried about the jumps, and Laura says that she was, because the routine was packed full of tricks and there was a lot to get right. Squinty Colin geeks out over how well-suited to their personalities this routine was, presumably because they're both dorks. Jayne says that they were a bit reluctant to ask Laura to do this manoeuvre, but she's pleased she pulled it off.

Jason tells Laura that she entertained him tonight - "you are so Disney, it's brilliant" - and says that she brought her children's TV presenter fun and goofiness into the routine. Robin loved her exuberance and that she has a go at whatever she's asked to try. Bunto says this was her favourite routine of the night, and that the exaggerated expressions really worked - "it was pure theatre, dahling". Oh do shush, Bunton.

Leaderboard: Tie for top between Sam and Laura, then tie again for second between Jeff and Chloe, then Vanilla Ice, Johnson, Denise, Dave and Kerry in that order. The lines are opened for the public to vote, and we get a recap of the night's performances. And there we have it. Two contestants will face the dreaded skate-off later - but who'll be posting early closing notices? [Dirty Dancing, featuring Ray.Fucking.Quinn! - Carrie]

The Skate-Off

You know the drill: earlier tonight, nine couples performed for our votes. One couple's going home. It's really very simple when you think about it.

Phil and Holly welcome us back to the show and lead us into the recap with extra backstage footage: Jeff is impressed that he's doubled his score in two weeks, and looks forward to next week's challenge if he gets through. Denise is disappointed with the marks, but knows she's basically dependent on the public vote and hope she'll be kept in because she's not ready to go yet. Tim Healy says he is proud of her [but bored of the show - Carrie]. Sam vows to work on his timing next week in the hope of getting that nine that Bunto promised. Kerry thinks the judges are all right about her, and she's going to keep having fun as long as the public are having fun watching her. How incredibly hubristic of her. Chloe feels she could've acted the performance better, but she's still very happy with her score. Johnson enjoyed every moment of his routine, and hopes to get higher marks if he's back next week. Vanilla Ice hopes not to have to do the routine again, and vows that he is not melting. Because he is ICE. [Could make an Elphaba/melting joke. Can't be bothered. - Carrie] Jedward are interviewed, and no one cares. Dave enjoyed his jumps and not falling over, so he's happy overall. Laura was thrilled to pull off the backflip, since it's gone wrong nearly every time before that, and was slightly bemused to have received the same score as Sam.

Holly's with the judges looking for a final word or two. Robin thinks that some people were so focused on the jump that they didn't focus on the rest of the performance. He thinks everyone will have to step it up with next week's Ultimate Skills Test. Jason thinks there's an upper echelon of Laura, Sam, Chloe and Jeff, and thinks Laura needs to believe in herself more. Bunto hopes the audience are voting for skating ability and "pure performance".

Phil's got the results. Go on, touch your ear. You know you want to. In no particular order, the following couples are safe and skating next week: Vanilla Ice and Katie, Laura and Colin, Jeff and Isabelle, Sam and Brianne, Chloe and Michael, Johnson and Jodeyne, and Denise and Lovely Matt. So Kerry and Daniel and Dave and FRANKIE! are in the skate-off. But first: there are commercials.

When we return, Phil and Holly are seeking advice from Chris and Jayne. Jayne thinks that both Dave and Kerry have struggled with the skills required of them. Chris thinks Kerry can improve her steps, and Dave needs to improve his overall performance.

Kerry and Daniel are out first. Kerry's a little improved this time around - she's still not really competition-standard, but she's fixed some of her smaller mistakes from the first performance and the whole thing is slightly more fluid and coherent. Kerry tells Phil that the judges are right, and while she's "devastated" to be in the skate-off, she's thankful to the public for allowing her to get this far in the first place. Dan, Jayne and Chris all agree that she skated better this time around.

Dave and FRANKIE! take to the ice. Dave is not so much improved - in fact, there are areas where he's noticeably more stumbly than he was first time around, and his balance seems to be off, though he does still land both of his jumps. It's not really a vote-winning performance though, if I'm honest. Dave tells Phil that FRANKIE! told him to bear in mind that he'd have to skate every routine twice, so they've always been prepared for the skate-off. The audience takes about six years to get this joke. FRANKIE! thinks Dave improved this time around, and he even smiled at her this time around. Jayne noticed this too, and Chris thinks the jumps were great, second time around.

Judgement time. Bunto goes first, and says that she found it a difficult decision, and while she can't believe she's saying this, she has to vote on performance [because, little as she knows about that, she knows fuck-all about skating - Carrie], and votes to save Kerry. There is some booing. Robin says that it was a real toss-up, but as a skater he needs to vote for the skater, so he saves Dave. Jason is looking for performance, as this is theatre week, and based on the skate-off performances, he's saving Kerry. So Kerry is through and Dave is out. He tells Phil that he's gutted, but he knows he's not one of the best skaters, and he's had a great time, and FRANKIE! has been a brilliant partner. We review his highlights, such as they are. He had fun, that's the important thing. Phil reminds FRANKIE! that they will miss her too, lest she shiv him.

Next week! It's the Ultimate Skills Test (you may have noticed them mention this - they were quite subtle). The skills will be worth half of the overall score. It will be DRAMATIC, apparently. Dave and FRANKIE! set out for their lap of honour, and that's the end of theatre week. Join us next week to see how everyone gets on with their Ultimate Skills!

That's all, Hollyoaks!

2011-02-06T18:22:00.001Z

Vegas Night
Tx: Sunday 6th February 2011

You know how Big Brother jumped the shark and kept bringing in more and more ludicrous gimmicks in an effort to keep its viewing figures but they moved further and further away from everything that made the show good in the first place and managed to drag in some new viewers because it was such car-crash television?

Yeah, that wasn't good, was it?

Just bear that in mind. Especially if you're a producer of Dancing on Ice. Actually, if you're a producer of Dancing on Ice, just remind yourself of the first couple of series of this show. You remember - when it was about skating, and the simplicity of having a weekly required element actually allowed even the non-skating judges (oh, that's right, THERE WEREN'T ANY) to compare the contestants.

Or, thinking about it, have you already been doing that, and ignoring the stuff that made this an interesting show, and opting instead to bring in the stuff that made it over-the-top light entertainment? That would explain the reprise of Vegas Night, first seen in Series 1, and featuring John Barrowman as Elvis.

And seriously, you can only get away with that shit when you have Barrowman in your cast. I think we can all agree that there is nobody in this year's line-up even slightly as jazz-hands sing-out-Louise as Barrowman.

Let's get on with it, shall we?

Pre-titles! The contestants are skating in Vegas! Except not! There will be rubbish skating and injury porn! Much like every other week!

Titles!

Oh, bizarre pre-filmed montage in the world's least glamorous casino, before we see Torvill and Dean begin a pro cast routine to Copacabana, with Colin doing backflips and OH IT'S SEAN! I'm mildly mollified. Oh! And then ROBIN DOES MAGIC! He makes Torvill and Dean appear in a big cage! And then makes them change their costume! Also, the sight of Sean trying to do club dancing (on ice) is brilliant. OK, so this is a big lengthy extravaganza, which is lovely (and notably all the contestants are missing). Why isn't Robin skating, or at least doing something worthy of his talent? We are being robbed, my friends, robbed, I tell you. [The whole thing did go on for at least a minute too long, though. I started doing my accounts. - Steve]

Phil and Holly welcome us, and tell us that the skaters will face a skating test and have to perform some elements. Well, it's about time. The people nominated to teach them in the weeks to come about these are Chris Fountain (who didn't win, by the way), last series' champion, and then some smug 50s-throwback twat. Phil and Holly congratulate Jayne and Chris on their lovely routine. Maybe Phil and Holly could be judges.

Right, time for some contestants: Jeff and Isabelle, Jen and Sylvain, Sam and Brianne, Laura and Colin, the no-surname twins, Kerry and Dan, Johnson and Jodeyne, Chloe and Michael (in a HAT and BRACES), Vanilla Ice and Katie, and Denise and Matt. And once we have them gathered on the rink, what better time to show some ads? And trail some weeping, of course.

I'm not going to make it to the end of this series, am I? [Me neither, for reasons that will become clear at the end of this recap. - Steve]

The stupid showgirls who are purporting to make this a Vegas-themed programme waggle their feathered fans concealing Phil and Holly, and it suddenly occurs to me that the tux-clad Mr Schofield is making a bid to play Billy Flynn in the West End. It's OK, Phil! Playing a lead role in Chicago comes to everyone in their time!

Jen and Sylvain are performing first, and she has to skate by herself to prove that she can do it after throwing a bit of a hissyfit last week at the judges' comments. [Sticking her on first, reminding us that she was a tad ungracious last week - she didn't stand a chance, did she? - Steve] This week, she is performing as Cher to If I Could Turn Back Time. She begins by herself, then there are a lot of lifts and elements where she leans on Sylvain. There's a side-by-side step sequence that isn't synchronised, and her lines look very wobbly from time to time. Gubba reminds us that these two are supposed to be shagging, as if we could forget. Scores - Jason 6.0, Robin 7.0 and Emma 6.0 for a total of 19.0. It really wasn't that good. You are all daft. Sylvain says Jen "did really great". Chris says they are part of the front-running group, and she needs to overcome her worries. This week, Jason is dressed as Billy Bunter, and admires their synchronicity (which was shit), asking them to stop holding back on the emotion: "it's as if you are a beautiful facade." Robin says she did well with the step sequence, but they can't be at the expense of the whole performance. Emma looks anaemic, and asks Jen to "own" the lift, or something.

We've had ten minutes of programme - surely it's time for another break? Phil promises us more Sin City after the break. [I thought he said Sim City. That would've been more entertaining. - Steve] So far, I actually fail to see how this is Vegas at all, apart from having showgirls standing around. You might as well have got a roulette wheel and put it by the judges' desk, it'd have served the same purpose.

Phil and Holly do a tedious little skit which ends with the gag that Holly smells, or something. Time for Jeff and Isabelle. He says being in the Ice Pick was easy because he didn't have to do anything, and thinks he is one good performance away from "arriving in the competition". Does that mean the competition still hasn't bloody started? Performance coach Kate comes in to tell Jeff that he is a lazy twat and should be better at things. I could do that.

They're skating to It's Not Unusual. Jeff is clearly doing Acting because he has a character face on, and makes as if to kiss Isabelle before they start the routine. The strongest feeling I have from this Tom Jones-themed dance - which is pretty good, actually - is that Chris so choreographed this because he wants to dance it with Jayne. You can just imagine it - the hip-grinding, the faux-arm-kissing, the Jayne-perched-on-shoulder moves. Love it. Scores - Jason 5.5, Robin 7.5, Emma 7.0 for a total of 20.0. Jeff reminds us that HE IS A DAD WITH CHILDREN. He then talks some bollocks about people wanting to see the skating rather than the performance, and that his name is Tom and Isabelle is called Natasha. Robin gives a big huzzah for Jeff's quality basic skating skills. Emma employs sibilance but little else. Jason says Jeff is doing much better.

Laura and Colin next. She lies that she is glad Sam is in the competition. She and Colin then totally fuck up their spiral lift in rehearsal, and she slices her blade through his leg. Still, at least it's not your scrotum, Colin. My Andrei and Pavel were not so lucky. This week they're skating to It's All Coming Back To Me Now, dressed in bright white, all the better to show up the blood if Laura maims Colin. They pull off the lift well, but the look of concentration on her face until she gets her balance is brilliant. It's a lovely, lyrical routine, although there's a slight stumble at the end. Good work. Scores - Jason 8.5, Robin 8.0 and Emma 7.5 for a total of 24.0. "Are you sure?" demands Colin. Laura does the humble thank-you routine....and I've just noticed, they actually DO have roulette chips on the judges' table. This show, srsly. Anyway, Jason says he was really moved, Emma jabbers about knocking marks off because the stumble was in front of her (clearly the ghost of Nicky Slater ON RELATIVE ICE has possessed her), Robin was happy with them showing such emotion. Karen says that Laura puts her heart and soul into everything, and they are a good team, and they had one of the most difficult step sequences. Ah, remember when people had to skate the same elements? So you could see who did them best? Good times.

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Denise and Matt do a little arm-wrestling skit, and Matt appears to have a £50 note. Did I see that right? Clearly he's been storing up the cash Heather Mills split with him. Last week she got rubbish scores and doesn't understand why; Jayne and Chris wonder why she's not got any better; Denise says she relies on Matt the entire time, and, after a tumble in the dress rehearsal, promises us that she will 'rethink' and do the whole thing tonight. Good idea!

They're skating to 'S Wonderful and Matt is pulling the cutest Twenties Charleston faces ever as Denise carefully tip-toes her way through her step sequence. It's unfortunate that the troublesome bit comes towards the end, because as soon as she's done it, she looks so much more relaxed and happy. Know who doesn't look relaxed and happy? Tim Healy. He looks bored. [In Tim Healy's defence, I think you or I would be gnawing our own limbs off if we actually had to sit through this shit every week without the benefit of fast-forward. - Steve] Scores - straight 4.5s for 13.5. The audience boo but Denise and Matt seem moderately content. Denise is also happy because Jayne says she did well. Emma patronises her, Jason says he only gives her a hard time because he loves her (the camera cuts away at this point to Karen fiddling with her hair), and Robin uses his rhetorical question device (does he? YES) yet again.

People lie that Dave and Frankie are entertaining. Dave says that he needs to show that he can skate, and Chris is worried about him being tired because of his daily routine. Seriously, don't start this shit. I've got no patience with it. Either don't do the fucking show if you haven't got time to do it properly, or do the show and stop your whinging. I told Metcalfe that the other week, it applies to you as well. There's a brilliant bit in rehearsal where Dave careens out of control and you can hear Frankie panicking, which she does through the method of making a sound like an air-raid siren - "Whoo! Whoooooo!"

Oh, fucking hell, it's a COMEDY routine to Please Release Me. Bored of comedy shit now. Surely Jason must mark him down on the assumption that he cannot do anything that isn't COMEDY. Frankie falls over at one point when she's supposed to be balanced on his boot and even though I've re-watched it, I can't really work out how it happened. Total of 11. Frankie says she fell, and even pros fall after 30 years of skating, so the judges shouldn't penalise Dave. Dave then says that there are people that work in factories and have three kids who get up earlier than him, so he should really stop his whining. Chris says the step sequence was OK and the ice is rough, so that's why Frankie fell. Dave keeps talking over Chris. Don't talk over Chris, you fool, he'll cut you. Robin says Dave focuses too hard on things so it doesn't gel. Emma wondered if he was playing a wooden soldier because his movement was so stiff, and wanted more comedy. Seriously, Bunton? "You're like a cod mime artist with rigomortis," says Jason. Is a corpse better or worse than a lump of turd? Who can really say?

Still to come - Johnson in a vest, Vanilla Ice regaining his memory!

And apparently a really lame Elvis lookalike. Honestly, even Barrowman was more convincing. [That's because he KNOWS HIS CRAFT. - Steve] This is all to lead in to the VT of Vanilla Ice and Katie, who are skating to Blue Suede Shoes, despite the fact that he buggered off to Canada for most of the week and didn't rehearse. And that is it. Out on the rink, he is skating in blue boots and sneering his way through miming to the backing track. It is fun enough, and ends with him throwing Katie over his head. They both laugh. Well, that's nice. Scores - Jason 5.5, Robin 5.0 and Emma 5.5 for a total of 16.0. Vanilla Ice claims to not be delusional, and then Phil reminds us that he had concussion last week. I had totally forgotten that. Maybe I have been hit on my head at some point. Jayne says she's never seen so much energy from Elvis. Well, no, because he's dead. Robin says Vanilla Ice skates like a hockey player trying to be a figure skater, but he likes that he looks after his partner. Jason begs Vanilla Ice not to mime along with the words. Karen says the judges are stingy and she hates them, the pissy bitches.

Last week, Johnson thought he was shaky at points, and now he wants to be better. Chris and Jayne note that he's not fully confident, but he has always coped well with that he's been given. Johnson recalls that he was probably the worst person Jayne and Chris have ever seen on the ice when they did their initial assessment of his skillzorz. This week he has struggled with the step sequence. That is all. He and Jodeyne are skating to Piano Man. Johnson seems to be taking his blades off the ice sometimes rather than gliding along, and also struggles with supporting Jodeyne's entire weight (of about three stone) at places. Straight 4.0s for a total of 12. Johnson says that tonight he has a friend in the audience who he hasn't seen for five years, since they were in hospital together. Jodeyne looks like she's going to cry with pride; she thinks he's done "not bad" bearing in mind he has memory problems. Jason reminds Johnson he's looking for performance, and he wants to see continued improvement. Karen, meanwhile, is crying, so obviously it's time to cut across to her and let her blub away about Johnson's "major achievement". Jason interrupts her and says, "If your opinion still mattered, you would still be on the panel." Oh, Jason. Are you really under the delusion that anyone cares what you or Bunton think? Karen gets up and offers him out, basically; she asks him to repeat what he said, and then they begin to have a rather embarrassing row before Holly interjects and gets Karen to sit down again. If Karen had any gumption at all, she'd have done a Sharon Osbourne and walked out. See how they liked that, and who's really more important to the show. Or, you know, actually slapped him. I wonder who Karen loathes more - Jason or Nicky? I genuinely think it might be Jason. [I love that there was a Twitter campaign to get Jason sacked after this - like this kind of shit isn't EXACTLY the reason he's still there. - Steve]

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Sam and Brianne next. I had FORGOTTEN ABOUT THEM AGAIN. Dull, dull, dull, dull, dull. This week, they are skating to I Get A Kick Out Of You. Chris says YET AGAIN that there is a group of front-runners. Sam then weirdly says that this is the first character routine he's done. Shouldn't actors always be finding a character in a performance? If I've learnt nothing else from my study of reality shows, I've definitely learnt that. They then go to the Savoy (ironically, seeing as Brianne seems to be dressed as Elle Woods) to meet a Frank Sinatra impersonator to find out nothing they couldn't have found out from a quick scout through YouTube. They skate, and I do like their steps on the off beat, and also Sam's unintentional comedy straining face when he picks Brianne up by her ankle for the non-headbanger lift. Straight 8.5s for a total of 25.5, the highest of the series. Sam talks boringly about a few mistakes they made, which Brianne claims were her fault, and then he refers to 'Frank', as if he knows him personally. Holly throws to Emma with "Sometimes it's hard to tell which one's the professional," and Emma agrees. Well, yeah, if you know fuck-all about skating. Which Bunton does. Robin loves to see him being so committed to the routine, and says he is capable of a 10.0.

Last week, Kerry was rubbish, and thought she deserved to be in the skate-off. She cries about not enjoying it so much any more, because she can't do it all like everybody else can. "Can't do it!" she whines, like a petulant child. Even patient Dan, bless him, is clearly getting pissed off. "Don't give up on me. Don't give up on YOU!" he demands. But it's OK, everybody, because Kerry HAS CHILDREN and she is doing this FOR THEM. To be fair, the little ones are exceptionally cute.

Oh my goodness, that depth of spray-tan is not a good look with a bright pink costume, Kerry. They're skating to Woman In Love. She is still having problems with the step sequence, and her arms are desperately trying to keep her balanced. [Obligatory "it'll take a lot more than arms to do that" gag. - Steve] Still, the bits where Dan is throwing her about are good. Total of 10.0, and Kerry says she's not as good as everyone else but she is having fun. Except she wasn't the other day. Maybe she forgot. Maybe SHE had a concussion. Robin says that Kerry is a bit rubbish and should be better. So does Emma. So does Jason.

After the break - rabbits and hats!

And - water fountains, apparently, in pitiful attempt to make a gag about the Belagio. Oh, show. Last week, Chloe was a rock chick, except not; this week at the beginning of the "skills weeks", she has to do loads of step sequences to In The Mood, which Jayne and Chris once skated to.

I think once again we are reminded how farcical it is when idiots like Holly and Emma liken DoI contestants to proper skaters like Jayne, Chris and Robin. (NB - that clip begins with Sing Sing Sing, but worth listening to for the commentator using the immortal phrase "ON ICE" right at the start.)

Anyway, Chloe and Michael watch the routine on a laptop, and note how fast Jayne and Chris are OVER THE ICE as well as spotting places where they've been given the same choreography. They are honoured, but also a little scared. Out on the rink, Michael is dressed as the world's gayest soldier, and Chloe as a slutty Miss Moneypenny, for some reason. It's quick, it's quite rock'n'rolly rather than Forties, but it's performed well, with some good footwork from Chloe and a great lift or two. Scores - Jason 7.0, Robin 7.5 and Emma 7.5 for a total of 22.0. Chloe says it was the hardest routine she's had and Michael agrees that it was achallenging and they were both stressed by it. Heh. Jayne congratulates them; Chris says he doesn't recognise the young people dressed in green in the archive clips. Jason says the technical difficulty compromised her performance; Emma patronises a bit; Robin says, "Props to you, girlie," which I like for no discernable reason.

Right, that's it. Phone. Vote. Come back in a bit.

Results show

O HAI PHIL! The phone lines have closed, and this is the skate-off!

Titles!

Phil lies that the night has been Vegas-like and glamorous. He says he feels like George Clooney. So does Holly. In HER condition. Oh, Willoughby. Time for some recap filler? I think so. Jen hopes she gets through because she likes skating by herself even though she loves Sylvain; Isabelle has really nice eyebrows; Laura can't ask for more than 24.0, so expect no Matt Baker ten-grubbing from her; Denise is glad that people have seen an improvement; Dave thinks it was the worst he has ever skated, and Chris Moyles thought it was dull; Vanilla Ice is a PERFORMER and is here to PERFORM; Johnson thinks he is improving and will try harder, but does not want to get involved in stupid bitchfights between Karen and Jason; I HAD ACTUALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT SAM AND BRIANNE AGAIN; Kerry thinks she will be in the skate-off, and so does Dan, by the looks of it; Chloe is happy that Robin, the Olympic champion, noticed that she had some hard choreography to do. Idiot.

Holly asks Robin how concentrating on the step sequences has changed the competition. He says that it has changed it a lot. Thanks, Robin. Jason then makes an apology to Karen, which is quite gracious, and then treads on it completely by telling her that she should listen to him more and also stop crying. Karen tells him to talk to the hand, for he is a "nasty, nasty man." Crashing on, then, Emma thinks Chloe most personified the spirit of Vegas. Where have the showgirls gone, by the way?

Some *touches ear* results, then? Safe couples - Sam and Brianne; Jeff and Isabelle ("That's us, right?" he verifies); Kerry and Dan ("oh my GOD. NO!" she screeches) [that's funny, so did I - Steve]; Laura and Colin; Dave and Frankie (who both seem to have strokes); Chloe and Michael; Denise and Matt...and Johnson and Jodeyne.

So Jen and Sylvain, who were fucked over by being put on in the graveyard slot, and Vanilla Ice and Katie, who were fucked over by...him being Vanilla Ice, as far as I can see, will skate again to stay in the competition.

After a quick break, obv.

Back. Jayne and Chris are surprised because Jen and Vanilla Ice are two strong skaters. "Obviously the audience at home aren't listening to the judges," says Chris. Well, quite, but why would anyone listen to Jason and Emma? We've been through this enough times.

I didn't notice before, but Jen has sparkly skates. Jen and Sylvain ftw! They skate, anyway, and Jen is suffering with some injury or other. Sylvain is spectacularly unbothered by both her injury and the prospect of leaving the competition. [I love his Gallic indifference so very much. Also: his arms. - Steve] Vanilla Ice does his obvious miming again this time round, and he and Katie still cackle at the end. He too is unbothered about the prospect of leaving the competition, but wants to give Katie credit for having a broken toe. HA.

The judges decide: Jason saves Vanilla Ice ON ICE; Robin saves Vanilla Ice ON ICE; and Emma also saves Vanilla Ice ON ICE. Although I do think that surely Jason should vote, then Emma, so that the head judge actually does get the casting vote in the event of a tie. This. Fucking. Show. Anyway, Jen and Sylvain can get off the rink and carry on their real-honestly romance in private.

Quick montage of their highlights, then back to the rink to see Jen weeping and Sylvain kissing her head. "See you on This Morning tomorrow! We'll have some tissues! Bye, darling!" bellows Phil as Jen and Sylvain take their lap of honour.

Another week over, kids. And next week Steve will have to recap the horror of a performance from the cast of Wicked, one of the few West End shows I simply cannot bear! Join him then! [I'm not even sure I'm watching next week. Without Sylvain and his arms, what point is there? In anything? *sobs* - Steve] [Man up, Perkins. You still have Matt. I have nothing and NO ONE. - Carrie, who misses her Andrei]

A bit of a Cork up

2011-01-30T23:36:00.000Z

Week 2 of the "official" competition: 30th January 2011

Last week! The competition officially started, even though this "official" business means bollock-all to anybody not actually involved in the making of this show because we all decided it started back in the first episode, like all normal things do. Last week, 12 notable people skated with their professional partners, and two of them ended up in the skate-off, those people being Coronation Street star Steven Arnold and cricketer Dominic Cork. The ultimate result being that Steven was punished for the cardinal sin of standing up Torvill and Dean, and sent packing. This week! There's a SHOCK! TWIST! Except it's not so much of a shock any more because the embargo was lifted at midnight on Monday and everyone's been tweeting about it, so we all know that the contestants will be deciding who's booted from the skate-off this week. SHOCKING! And quite possibly POINTLESS! Still, at least we have INJURY PR0N to look forward to later. Hooray! [Confession: I fell asleep just as this show started, woke up, and then having watched three minutes of it, went back to sleep again. I re-watched it on Sky+ but am fairly sure I wasn't really paying attention. - Carrie]

Titles! After which, we have Phil and Holly. Phil is pretty much beside himself with glee over the SHOCK! TWIST!, which has been termed "the ice pick". Oh dear. Holly, to her credit, greets both this innovation and Phil's subsequent excitement with the indifference they deserve. I mean, I know that's her standard mode anyway, but I feel like she's my on-show avatar at this point (only with better boobs, obviously), basically giving the eye-roll that I'm not there to give. Phil practically spits "THE ICE PICK!" in her face just to ram home how very excited he is about it, and Holly's all "I believe I said WHATEVER." Then fortunately they both calm down a bit in time to introduce the VT in which the Skating Stars learned of their fate.

Head Judge Robin strides out to greet them, and breaks the news that they will be deciding who goes home. As my boyfriend pointed out, the irony is that the outcome of this week's skate-off is being determined by people who are more qualified to do it than the usual bunch. Anyway, everyone reacts in "horror" and there are several cries of "I'm not doing it", chiefly from Kerry. Robin buggers off and leaves them to it. Kerry (looking a bit weather-worn without her make-up on, it has to be said) says that she will refuse to do it. Vanilla ICE shrugs and says there's nothing he can do about it. Denise says that it's a competition, so you've got to suck it up. Jennifer gets excited at the thought of getting rid of someone who's stiff competition. Laura (looking a bit like one of the Stalchildren from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time in this harsh lighting) is fearful for the same reason, because she might well be a target, though she has the good sense not to say this in as many words. Cork thinks there will be tears.

Back in the studio, it's time to meet the skaters. Denise and Lovely Matt are first, followed by Sam and Brianne, then Kerry and Daniel, then Dave and FRANKIE, then Laura and Colin (Laura's intro is "millions of children are proud of her" - millions? Really? She's on Nickleodeon, not Glee), then Vanilla ON ICE and Katie, then Chloe and Michael (who've come as Bondage Funtime Barbie and Ken, for some reason), then Jeff Brazier (whose intro begins "still here", like even the announcer can't quite believe it), Dominic and Alexandra, Jennifer and Handsome Sylvain, and finally Johnson and Jodeyne. I've heard a lot of people complaining about how this show is kind of amateurish and "will this do?" compared to the comparitive slickness of Strictly and X Factor and such, and I think this method of introducing the contestants is a good case in point: it takes for-flipping-ever to get them all out, especially at this stage in the competition, and when they are all out, they have to just stand there for about another 16 bars of the theme music - no one's waving or clapping or doing anything interesting, they're all just...standing there. Standing ON ICE. That's not interesting. [To be fair, the Dancing hasn't been that interesting either. - Carrie] They just all look a bit uncomfortable. Fortunately, Jayne and Chris arrive eventually to break the tension and then everyone recovers the use of their legs and arms. Phew!

Phil and Holly remind us how the scoring works, even though it still doesn't make an awful lot of sense. First up tonight are Chloe and Michael, whose frog lift went well last week and left them very happy. This week, Chris tells us, it's "rock chick" and Chloe is very excited to "tear it up". She's just less convinced about the skating side of things, and asks the very reasonable question, "why do we keep doing lifts where I could potentially kill Michael?" This week she's doing the neck spin, where she has to lock her feet together around his neck and then he spins her around and eventually lets go of her arms. So not only could it kill Michael, it's entirely possible it could kill Chloe as well. Yikes. "Watch your foot," Michael scolds in rehearsals, as well he might. Michael models a cut at the base of his neck and tells us "that's another souvenir from Chloe Madeley". Heh. Chloe screams as they practise, although for some reason she's more worried about getting into the bottom two than she is about maiming herself or her partner. She says it's a bottom two that no one wants to be in, although I can't imagine they're terribly up for being in the skate-off any other week either.

Kinky Ken and Bondage Barbie (TM Shampoo) take to the ice, where they have a prop jukebox. Richard and Judy wave a banner that obstructs the view of about twenty people sitting behind them. Michael puts a coin in it and it starts to play 'I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing'. LOLLERSKATES. Chloe kicks it and it switches to an offensively anaemic cover of 'I Love Rock 'N' Roll' (seriously, it makes Britney Spears sound like L7). The routine is quite a lot of rock posturing, and Chloe seems to have her tongue out most of the time, like she's Pink or something. She skates quite well on her own though, which I'm quite impressed by. The neck spin goes without a hitch, although from certain angles it does look a bit like she takes his ear off on the dismount. (She doesn't, don't worry.) Scores: 6.5 all round for a score of 19.5, "again" according to Gubba, even though she's never scored 19.5 before. Chloe says that the adrenaline kicked in and stopped it from being scary. Phil asks her about the SHOCK! TWIST! and Chloe says that it's worrying everyone - no one wants to turf out "one of the family". Jayne says it's put the cat amongst the pigeons, and Chris thinks everyone's really aware of what they've got to do tonight.

Holly's with the judges, and Robin says that it'll give them a chance to find out what it's like to be a judge. He tells Chloe that she looks great ("you little minx") and gave a great performance. He uses the "was it clean and technically correct? No" construction that's already been done to death this series and we're only four (/two) weeks in. Bunto tells Chloe that she's done three different genres - pop, ballad and rock - and she thinks that Chloe's very brave and should be around for a long time. Jason loves her versatility and her consistency. He would've liked a bit more reckless abandonment and maybe some hairography, though. Everyone in the studio is all "hairography? What?" because they don't watch Glee [I don't watch Glee and I'd say the term "hairography" is fairly self-explanatory - Carrie], and Chloe explains that she was doing it in the canteen earlier. Jason cajoles her into repeating it, which she does, except the camera's on Jason when she does it and cuts back just as she's finishing. LIVE BROADCAST FAIL.

After further adventures of The Girl With The Perfect Smile (otherwise known as Macleans Officially Sponsors Heterosexuality), Phil hams it up a bit more regarding his enjoyment of The Ice Pick, and then it's time for Johnson. Who is a Hero, lest we forget. Last week, Jason urged him to take dance classes, and this week he has 'One Love' by Bob Marley for his music. Johnson is surprised to be performing Bob Marley ON ICE. Chris reiterates Johnson's issues with choreography, so Johnson heads off to Finsbury Town Hall to learn from the Ballet Boyz. He seems to be quite enjoying it, and is very keen to show Jason how much he's improved.

On commencement of his routine, it's not especially clear if he's improved or not, as his dancing-on-the-spot at the beginning is a bit out of sync with Jodeyne, and on several occasions they seem to be doing entirely different steps. However, once he gets moving he does seem to be noticeably smoother, if still a little inhibited in his movements. Progress is being made, but using baby steps. Gubba blathers on about Jodeyne's outfit being "almost" the colours of Grenada's flag, and claims that one move is the "Jerk Chicken Plank", like I AM SO SURE THAT IS WHAT IT'S CALLED. Maybe I should go back to ignoring him. Scores: Jason 4.0, Robin 4.5, Emma 4.5 for a total of 13.0, same as last week. Guess that choreography class wasn't all that helpful, then.

Johnson tells Phil he never imagined he'd go to a ballet class, but he definitely enjoyed it and thinks his musicality is coming slowly. Jodeyne thinks he's embracing the "whole of what skating is", and that he's an inspiration to her. Because he's a Hero. Phil reminds us that Johnson is still skating with a broken finger, lest we forget that the broken finger is truly the toughest obstacle he's ever had to overcome, and Jayne says he's proven that he can dance ON ICE as well as on the beach. Jason applauds Johnson for going to the dance classes and says he can see Johnson starting to apply what he's learnt - it's just a shame that it's not applicable for this style of routine. And this is Johnson's fault...how, exactly? He adds that he lost interest because Johnson was disconnected. Bunto agrees, but likes Johnson's rhythm (naturally) and thinks it's becoming a performance that the audience can enjoy. Robin is also in line with the others, and says that Johnson needs to connect all the way through and not to be "flat" and "samey". Even Karen's in agreement, saying that Johnson sometimes concentrates too much, but she's happy with his progress since he is now wearing sequins.

More adverts. (I recap using the STV Player, so I get a lot of Scottish ads for products that I cannot purchase in London. This is simultaneously quite exciting and a bit disappointing.)

When we return, Holly calls the judges "sensible" and "unbiased". I know, right? Jeff is next. We get trauma flashbacks to last week where he got mediocre feedback. Jeff thinks a skate-off may be looming in the near future, and feels that he's falling short of what's expected of him. His latest routine involves an arabesque, which is causing some difficulty in rehearsals. Jeff asks Chris and Jayne for a big lift so he can raise his game. He says that he owes everyone who's voting for him a good, solid performance where he gets everything right. Ah, foreshadowing. It's such fun.

He's skating to 'Better Together' by Jack Johnson, and the routine starts out well enough, but then the arabesque comes. Jeff clearly doesn't have his leg up high enough, and basically clonks Isabelle on the head as she tries to go underneath. She grabs him for support, and he falls, and then she falls, and there's an audible gasp from the audience, though to his credit, Jeff gets straight back up again and carries on. The lift goes fine, but they end slightly behind the music because of the fall. Gubba predicts a skate-off for Jeff tonight. Scores: Jason 4.0, Robin 4.0, Emma 4.5 for a total of 12.5. Phil cries "what a shame!" regarding the fall, although frankly I'd call falling over and still getting a higher score than last week a bit of a bonus. Jeff blames it on "Tottenham getting smashed 4-0". I'd be very careful about using the word "smash" in a football context right now, Jeff. He thanks the crowd for their support, and assures us that his knee is fine. Chris says that Jeff put too much speed into his spiral and got too close to the edge, but he likes that he was working so hard this week.

Bunto says she felt "a bit emotional" watching him, and feels his skating is smooth, and wonders if he's just nervous each week. She likes his lifts, and hopes he'll be around next week. Jason says it was better than he's ever done until the fall, but he recovered very well, and then sneers that a roll-up is "not a difficult lift" but tells him well done anyway. Robin thinks Jeff's basic skating has improved, and thinks his improvement will be noted by the audience at home. Don't count on it, Cousins.

Kerry and Daniel are next, with Kerry sporting a kind of blonde fauxhawk. I think they were probably going for a sort of Robyn look, but the effect is a bit more "fifth member of Danish girlband who doesn't really do anything". Jason criticised her last week for being dependent on Daniel, which Kerry agrees to, and I'll skip over all the Katona/dependency jokes because we're all above that, right? Kerry feels she's not ready to skate solo. Well, you should be, petal. Chris has given her some bodypopping for this week's choreography, and they've given her some moments to skate by herself. Daniel says that while Kerry's solo moments are only a little part of the programme, they're very important to her. Kerry thinks her confidence is improving, but the little voice in her head is still telling her that she's not as good as everybody else. I would just like to clarify that that little voice is not me, despite what you might think.

She's skating to 'Disturbia' (again, no jokes) and dangles off Dan for the first 20 seconds of the song, until she does some body popping by herself and a very tiny bit of skating. Like, miniscule. And that's all we're getting of solo Kerry, folks. It's a bit of a dull routine to be honest, with a bunch of ho-hum lifts and Daniel doing all the work as usual. It's interesting that the show is harping on that so soon - I would've thought they'd hope we didn't notice for a few more weeks. Scores: Jason 3.0, Robin 3.5, Emma 3.5 for a total of 10.0. The audience boo. Kerry says that she really enjoyed the routine, "but fair dos". She's disappointed with the scores, but on the other hand, feels a bit more relaxed now she's had a lower score, because it was bound to happen eventually. Jayne says that they're always trying to boost Kerry's confidence, because that's the only way for her skating to get better.

Jason says that she's doing lots of lifts, and it's not a partnership right now, it's a dependency. (I'm not going to crack, I swear it. Oh, bugger, I said "crack".) He doesn't see any improvement from Kerry, and doesn't believe that she's having a good time out there. He calls the choreography a mess and says that the "double-rotation back stag" made it look like she was preparing for an internal exam. The camera's right in Karen's face ready to capture her reaction to this, and of course Holly turns to Karen next. Karen points out that Kerry didn't choreograph the routine, and while she understands the marks, she can only do what she's given. Jason complains that Daniel is basically manipulating Kerry into position throughout the routine (here Robin can be heard chipping in "absolutely" even though his mic is off, not that the show was purposely setting up another Karen/Jason clawfight again or anything). Kerry cheers Karen on. Karen tells Jason that he's here just to offend people. Jason claims he's here to give people "the truth". Either that's part of his schtick, which is quite sad, or he genuinely believes that he's "the honest judge", which is even sadder. Holly asks Robin if Kerry can skate by herself, and Robin's all "ask me that question when she's actually attempted it and I might be able to tell you." He points out to Karen and the room in general that the others are given more to do because they can do it. Kerry mugs for the cameras.

After more ads from north of the border, it's time for Vanilla Ice and today's obligatory injury pr0n. Last week Bunto criticised him for slouching, and this week he has a slow song, which he is not impressed by. It's 'Always' by Bon Jovi (sadly not the Ruth Lorenzo version) and Chris says that the music choice took him out of his comfort zone. We get a Trauma Flashback to Jason in the qualifying rounds, marking relatively because he didn't think Vanilla would be able to do the more lyrical routines, of which this is one. Vanilla says he does not do slow songs, but he knows if he pulls it off on the night, people will feel the passion of the routine. In the moment we've all been waiting for, Vanilla takes a tumble on the ice and lands pretty much on his head. Ouch. Katie inspects him quickly and then skates off, calling for a medic. Vanilla tells the team that they need to call an ambulance in case his brain swells. I get that it's a nasty-looking injury and everything, but at the same time, I'm kind of amused by how needy and panicked he is when he hurts himself. And yes, I'm well aware of how easy it is for me to say that from the comfort of my sofa, which is not and will never be ON ICE. Vanilla goes to hospital, and gets some stitches for the cut on his eye, but there appears to be no serious damage. He returns to training on "the ice that broke The Ice" (oh dear) and Katie tells us that his confidence levels have crashed, if you'll pardon the turn of phrase. Vanilla says "the concussion" has set him back, but he's going to give it all he can.

Surprisingly, the routine is quite good - even stripped of the "showman" props, he's quite a good skater and while his lines leave a lot to be desired, he's doing a good job of selling this routine. There are a few stumbles, but nothing too serious, and the bit where he and Katie lunge across the ice in perfect synchronisation is really quite good. Scores: Jason 5.5, Robin 5.0, Emma 5.5 for a total of 16.0. Vanilla tells Phil that the great thing about the show is overcoming obstacles, and he credits Sharon the physio and the make-up people for helping him out and covering his injury. Chris says that Vanilla has shown great courage, because they didn't know if he would skate tonight, but he's shown a lot of fight and passion tonight.

Robin calls it "a terrific job" and says that the fall internalised everything and made him very focused, which handily worked in his favour. Bunto says "you was looking down" (CALL OFCOM!) but thinks this is to be expected. She thinks he may be a bit of a romantic on the quiet. Holly calls Jason "Robin", and he agrees that being so inhibited worked well for Vanilla. Jason calls him a terrific partner for the way he looks after Katie during the lifts, and advises him to watch his arms ("you still look like you're searching for something in the dark").

When we return from the ads, it's time for Dominic and Alexandra. Dominic was "adequate" and "tentative" last week according to Robin, criticism that he agreed with. Dominic does not want to be in the bottom two again this week, because he wants to be the one making the decision of who goes home. Freddie Flintoff comes in to watch him rehearsing, and is impressed with Dominic's performance. Dominic calls Freddie "a showman" and Alexandra points out that he, Dominic, is one as well.

They're skating to 'I Can See For Miles' by The Who and wearing matching Union Jack-themed outfits [Union FLAG - tetchy sub-editor]. Has it really come to the point of playing the shameless patriotism card already? His skating is less tentative this week, but a little bit less stable for it. Alexandra, bless her, is selling this routine for all she's worth. Dominic? Not so much. Scores: Jason 3.0, Robin 4.5, Emma 3.5 for a total of 11.0. Phil asks how much it affected him being in the skate-off, and Dominic says that it made him question himself as a person. Really? Jeez, get out more. But then Andrew Flintoff came to see him and was a hero (but not A Hero) and that made him feel better. Jayne thinks that Dominic really enjoyed that routine, and improved this week. Chris urges us to check his nails, and we see Dom has Union Jack nail art on top of everything else.

Jason likes it when Dominic's performance is over. He feels that if anything he's deteriorating. Robin: "I'm going to disagree. If I was purely judging the performance and I didn't know anything about skating, I would be slightly in agreement with Jason." HA! Even better, Jason thanks him for saying this, having completely missed the stealth insult. Robin thinks the skating is strong, but needs to be faster. He thinks Dominic needs to deliver from the neck up like he delivers from the ankles down. What about the rest of him?

From there we move on to Laura and Colin. Laura says that she thoroughly enjoyed her performance last week, and Jayne tells us that they wanted to bring out the "Latin-y feeling" of Laura's music out in her choreography. Chris says that they're going to make her less smiley and, well, children's TV presenter-like. Her routine this week involves a move called the wrist ripper, which basically involves Colin hurling her about by the arm. Her arms are hurting like hell, and she's having trouble landing the move to boot. It doesn't work in dress rehearsal, and Laura says that her arm is pretty sore. She doesn't know if her routine will work, but she's going to try her best.

The music for Laura's Flamenco-inspired routine? 'Whenever, Wherever' by Shakira. Dear Dancing On Ice: Shakira is Colombian. Please at least attempt a small degree of cultural awareness. Cordially yours, Steven. Those issues aside, it's a good routine, and Laura makes a decent attempt at being more sultry than usual, though I'm pleased she's still crazy-intense as always. There's an impressive bit that involves her balancing on tiptoes, and the music omits the second verse, which is good because Laura's breasts are neither small nor humble. Whether they've been confused with mountains in the past, I don't know. The wrist ripper doesn't entirely come off - Laura lands facing the wrong way, I think, and overbalances backwards, but manages to right herself and finish on the final beat of the song. Points for effort, if not for execution. Gubba calls her a "Latino seductress." Latina seductress, you utter goon. Scores: Jason 7.5, Robin 6.0, Emma 6.5 for a total of 20.0. Laura is lost for words. She's also clutching her wrist like she's Kara Tointon. Phil asks if the big scores will make her more vulnerable in the Ice Pick. Probably not, Phil, because they make her less likely to be there in the first place. Chris loves that Laura doesn't hold back, and says that the routine has come together so well since the beginning of the week.

Jason loves the dynamics of Laura's performance, and thinks she had the flamenco nuances perfectly. He doesn't care that she didn't land the wrist ripper because she didn't fall either. Bunto thinks Laura has something very special. Robin loves the gusto with which she attacks everything, but wants her to make sure she crosses her feet over if she's going to do a barrel roll, but thinks it's great she's at this standard so soon in the competition.

When we return from the break, it's time for Jennifer and Handsome Sylvain. Things went well for them last week, but Jennifer thinks there's still room for improvement. She says that she didn't know the music at first - I like to assume that this is because it is Cilla Black's version of 'Anyone Who Had A Heart' and she rejects any version of this song not performed by Dionne Warwick. That's my canon and I'm sticking to it. Jayne thinks this routine will showcase their relationship. Jennifer says that Sylvain's getting a bit more serious with her, and they're both quite stubborn. They bicker a bit about who's right, just like a real couple, and Jennifer says she'll let him off because he's cute. Amen to that, quite frankly. Jennifer adds that no one wants to be in the bottom two, and no one wants to vote off a friend either, so she's just focusing on giving her best performance on the night.

So they're skating to some BASTARDISATION OF ONE OF THE GREATEST SONGS OF ALL TIME -- hang on, has Sylvain got his chest hair out? Never mind, carry on. There are elements of Danniella's 'You Don't Have To Say You Love Me' routine from last year in this, though not quite so played-to-the-back-of-the-room. The teapot drop looks a little bit wobbly to my eyes, but the skating and dancing elsewhere seems pretty good, if a little rough around the edges. Jennifer needs to work on the elegance of her dismounts too. Minor things, but if she can nail them, they'll really improve her performances. I should totally be a judge. I'm way more qualified than Bunto. Scores: Jason 5.5, Robin 7.0, Emma 6.5 for a total of 18.5. Phil asks who's right when they have a tiff, and they both reply individually that they are. SUCH SEXUAL TENSION! Jayne says that this was another great performance, and is impressed at the speed that Sylvain makes Jennifer skate.

Bunto loves the connection between the two, but she feels something is lacking, and would like to see Jennifer performing a bit more independently. Jason: "You're an actress, yes?" And he actually WAITS FOR JENNIFER TO CONFIRM THIS, JESUS CHRIST. I know this is not a massively A-list cast, but do your fucking homework, Jason. He wants to know where the emotion was, as it didn't have fire and passion until the end, which he thinks isn't good enough. Robin, on the other hand, liked that the emotion wasn't forced, and that Jennifer is coping with what Sylvain is asking of her, since he's probably one of the fastest male skaters they've got.

Phil warns us that the next VT, featuring Denise and Matt, involves underwear. And it isn't Matt's.

*switches off TV, concludes recap early, goes to bed*

Oh, okay, fine. But Matt had better be in his underwear next week, you hear me? Chris thinks Denise's skate last week wasn't her best, and Denise agrees - she was thrilled to get through despite underperforming. This week she's got a slow track to perform to, which lends itself to longer lines and more sophistication. Denise thinks she's not terribly sophisticated, and flashes her knickers to the camera to prove it. Denise finds the routine a challenge because it's more technical and she's got to work "twice as hard". She has a bit of a crisis of confidence, at which point Lovely Matt is Lovely, of course, and reassures her that she can do it. Denise says that she needs to stop being such a baby. "Just grow up, Denise!" she admonishes.

They're skating to 'Slow' by Rumer, which means we have a literal case of SLOW OVER THE ICE. Nicky must be so happy. It's not a bad performance, actually. Denise is pretty dependent on Matt - perhaps not as dependent as Kerry is on Dan, but not far off. Some of her lines still need work, but there is some good dancing from her here, and they do a good job of making the routine sweet rather than sleazy. There are a few stumbles, mind. Scores: Jason 3.5, Robin 3.0, Emma 3.5 for a total of 10.0. Denise says that being told to be sophisticated always makes her rebel a bit, but she loved it out there and loved this song, which she was so excited to dance to. She's disappointed not to get higher marks, but she's not going to beat herself up about it like she did last week. Lovely Matt says that Denise's confidence was shaken last week, but she's pulled herself up and he's proud of her. Chris thinks Denise had a lot more coverage OVER THE ICE in this number.

Jason says that he thought it was an improvement from last week, and he thinks the lyrical style played to her strengths. He thinks her lines and her dismounts still need work. Robin likes that we could see the mechanics of Denise's skating. Bunto thought Denise was more elegant and soft, but thinks Denise needs to work on her core strength. I think based on the comments they gave and indeed her actual performance, she probably deserved slightly higher marks. Not massively, but I don't think she deserved to be tied with Kerry at the bottom.

Teaser VT! There will be skills tests coming up in future weeks! Steps! Jumps! Spins! Since the required element is MIA, may I say it's about fucking time. They'll also be facing the ultimate skills test in three weeks, whatever that might mean.

Final ad break!

Up next it's Sam, who may well be the best skater here, but is such a personality vortex that I'd forgotten he existed until just now. Last week, his performance "set the competition alight", thinks Chris. Sam thinks that he needs to step it up again to remain on top. Jayne tells us that Sam is ambitious and wants to do more challenging lifts. However, he knackered his shoulder in the first week and that's bothering him this week, to the extent that he drops Brianne in rehearsals. Sam goes to physio, where he is filmed from an unflattering angle and reveals very hairy armpits. His biggest lift doesn't quite come off in the dress rehearsal, and he's worried that he might drop Brianne when she's 8ft in the air. Interestingly, in the so-called "dress rehearsal", he is wearing a slightly different outfit. TV FAKERY!

They're skating to 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love', and it's an impressive routine for sure. The big lift comes off properly, and you can see the utter glee on Brianne's face, though the dismount is a little shaky. He is so far ahead of the others, skating-wise, that I do kind of wonder why we're even bothering with the competition, to be perfectly honest. Gubba tells everyone that Brianne weighs 6.5 stone. She's such a tiny wee thing. [That's HALF A STONE more than FRANKIE! - Carrie] Scores: Jason 8.5, Robin 8.5, Emma 8.0 for a total of 25.0 again. Sam says that he thought it would be a bad score because he made a few mistakes. Brianne says that "it was a messy number anyway" so Sam had room to be sloppy. That old excuse, eh? Phil asks them if they're shagging, and they kind of mumble incoherently. Jayne says that it was a very difficult routine where he couldn't afford to miss a beat, and he didn't. Chris says that even with a few mistakes, he stayed on top of it.

Robin says he saw the mistakes, which is why it wasn't a 9.0. He loves that Sam is a cohesive package where the skating blends with the musicality and choreography. Jason calls him "skating Viagra" and says that everything rises when Sam and Brianne take to the ice. EWWWWWW. He commends Sam for making the lifts look easy. Bunto agrees, and thinks that Sam might be holding back a bit. She asks if he's got more to give. Sam, who's really bad at the whole spontaneity thing, looks to Brianne for an answer. She's probably not going to know, dear.

Finally, we have Dave and FRANKIE!, who pulls a mad face for us. He got mixed reviews last week, and this week he's skating to 'Achy Breaky Heart' by Billy Ray Cyrus, which he and FRANKIE! find hilarious. Karen and Jayne giggle helplessly in rehearsals as FRANKIE! tries to teach Dave how to hoedown. Dave's family come to visit him, which he's very happy about, although his daughter finds the whole thing a bit bizarre, as well she might. His daughter's kind of adorable, actually. She calls him "super-duper ace". Awwwww. I WANT ONE.

They skate out, and FRANKIE! slaps his arse. Chris Moyles calls out "I love you, Daddy!" Somewhere, Gary Lucy is failing to see the funny side of this. Dave does a hoedown ON ICE which is actually not terrible. The skating part of the routine is a bit hit-and-miss, probably with more misses than hits, but - and judge me for this all you like - I found it quite entertaining. Scores: Jason 3.0, Robin 4.0, Emma 4.0 for a score of 11.0. Dave is pleased that his score is getting slightly better. He thinks the routine was fun, and says that he's given himself a stitch. FRANKIE!, who clearly misses Nicky as much as I do, reminds the judges that the show is called DANCING ON ICE and that Dave was dancing from the very beginning, and asks if they're watching another channel. Chris declares her "feisty", and thinks Dave is definitely progressing.

Robin answers FRANKIE!'s complaints by pointing out that it's "smoke and mirrors", and says that if Dave wants to compete with the other guys (...and the girls, presumably) he'll need barrel rolls, crossovers, and bigger lifts. Jason says that he enjoys watching Dave, and it fascinates him that "someone so committed is just so average". Dave thinks average is "better than last week". Karen thinks it was Dave's best routine, saying that normally when he skates, "for health and safety reasons, I'm glad when it's over." Hee. Bunto thinks this routine really suited him and that his confidence is back.

LEADERBOARD ON ICE. Sam at the top, then Laura, then Chloe, then Jennifer, then Vanilla Ice, then Johnson, then Jeff, then a two-way tie between Dominic and Dave, and another between Kerry and Denise. Phil opens the lines, and then we're treated (if that's the word) to a recap. And if you need one of those, you can re-read all of the above.

So, who will survive The Ice Pick? We'll find out soon enough.

The Skate-Off

Phil informs us in a sombre fashion that the lines have closed, and now we and the judges are powerless to determine who goes home - it's all down to the contestants themselves. It's SHOCK TWIST o'clock, folks!

Post-titles, Phil and Holly return to the ice domain, and run through the twist once more. Phil asks whether the celebrities will "save a friend, or betray a rival". Can you really 'betray' a rival, as such? Time for the recap with added bonus footage! Chloe got all leathered up, and is still fearing the skate-off. Her famous father Richard Madeley says she's covered in bruises, but he's very proud of her. Bunto liked Johnson's rhythm, and Johnson is not especially worried about the skate-off - he's just going to enjoy the show. Jeff recovered well from his fall, and he admits that this is the first time he's ever fallen over doing that arabesque. Kerry was too reliant on Daniel, but she's enjoying herself - though she confesses to being "really annoyed" by the comments. Heh. Vanilla Ice recovered well from his injury in training, and is really happy with the way things turned out. Dominic's performance got slated by Jason, but Dominic says that he had a ball, and then tries the "let's see if he can do my job" tactic. Laura didn't quite land her wrist ripper, but otherwise did well, and she says that high scores are all well and good, but she knows you need public support as well. Bunto thinks Jennifer needed to be more independent, and Jennifer grouses backstage that Chris and Jayne didn't choreograph any skating for her to do on her own in this routine. Sylvain's chest is also there when this happens. Denise improved a bit but still got low scores, and can't decide whether she's more worried about being in the ice pick or having to decide between two others. Phil and Holly think the skate-off will be an emotional moment. Sam was "skating Viagra" (oh sure, repeat that bit) and does not know who he'll pick in the ice pick. No attempt at pretending he's in danger, I notice. Karen thought Dave gave his best routine to date, and Dave thinks that it's going to be tough to avoid the skate-off because everyone's getting better. Except all the people who didn't really.

Holly's with the judges, and asks for their final thoughts. Robin wants them to think like competitors and judges, and make a decision that they will be able to live with tomorrow. Calm down, Robin, they're not sending someone to death row. Phil has the results. *touches ear* In no particular order, the couples who are safe and back next week are: Denise and Lovely Matt (both of whom are utterly shocked), Vanilla Ice and Katie, Sam and Brianne, Dave and FRANKIE! (who politely wishes everyone else good luck as she skates off), Laura and Colin, and Jennifer and Sylvain. And this is where it gets hilarious for those of us who enjoy schadenfreude, because after Jennifer and Sylvain have hugged and cheered and we cut away to the wide shot, we see them skating away - and also Jeff and Isabelle, who seem to think that they're safe. There's some confusion, and then Phil clarifies that it's Jennifer and Sylvain who are safe, and Jeff and Isabelle have to slink back into the line. Heeheehee. I'm a terrible person. The last few safe spots in the competition go to: Johnson and Jodeyne, Chloe and Michael, and Kerry and Daniel. Which leaves Jeff and Isabelle and Dominic and Alexandra in the skate-off. But not before an ad break.

When we return, it's time for the skate-off. Jayne says that they never know how the public will vote. Chris thinks the celebrities need to vote with their heads and not their hearts. Jeff and Isabelle are out first to reprise their number. This time he doesn't fall during the arabesque, though it's still a bit wobbly, and overall it's a pretty decent performance. Certainly better than it was the first time around, to the extent that Jeff punches the air when he finishes. Steady on. He tells Phil that this was a much better performance, and he feels like he's in an easy position - it's the others who've got the hard choice. Isabelle says that they really needed to do it again properly to make sure Jeff's confidence wasn't knocked.

Dominic and Alexandra return and reprise their routine from earlier. It's pretty much the same it was earlier, with perhaps a touch more confidence than previously, though still lacking much of a performance from Corky. I suspect he knew he was doomed from the outset here. He tells Phil he's getting used to the skate-off, and tells Alexandra that she's brilliant. Like Jeff, he's pleased not to have to make a difficult decision, and tells the other skaters to vote with their hearts. Chris thinks it was a great performance, and Dominic skated with more confidence this time.

Jeff and Dominic head back out onto the ice, and Phil explains that the celebs will come out one by one, and skate to the person they want to save. I missed this part first time around, which is why I thought Chloe Madeley had forgotten to say who she was saving when she suddenly skated off, but I'm getting ahead of myself here. So, first out of the tunnel is Chloe, who says she loves them both, and hates having to make this decision. She says she wants to save the person who's been there with her from the beginning and will continue to progress - she skates over to Jeff. Johnson is next, and says that he's going to save the person he thinks will make a lot of progress, and skates over to Dominic. Kerry is third, and Phil says that he'll put his arm out for her "because she's not the best at stopping". Snerk. Kerry says she's going to save this person for being consistent, and skates over to Jeff. Vanilla Ice comes out and says that he's going to be "diplomatic and classy" and flip a coin. It's tails, which means Jeff, apparently, even though he didn't specify which side of the coin was attributed to which person, nor did we actually see the outcome of the flip with our own eyes. So that wasn't terribly helpful. Still, it's not the first time the words "Dancing On Ice" and "pointless toss" have been used in close proximity. Laura's next, and says that she enjoyed both performances, but she thinks this person has more to give, and skates over to Jeff. Jennifer is next and says that she's going to save a top skater with loads of spark who'll help her to progress each week, and skates over to Jeff. That gives him a majority, but we'll see what the others had to say anyway. Denise arrives and says she just wants it over with: she loves them both, but wants to vote with her heart, and skates over to Dominic. Sam skates out and fails to articulate himself again, but mumbles that he thinks this person has more to give, and skates over to Jeff. Dave's last to vote and says that he hopes he isn't losing a friend, but he's going to skate over to Dominic. With six votes to three, Jeff survives to skate again next week.

Phil calls Dominic over to join him, and we see his best bits. These involve skating like a stick insect, learning a bit of ballet, being chummy with Alexandra, having fun in rehearsals, and generally enjoying the whole experience. It's a shame this wasn't more evident during his time on the show really. He tells Phil that Alexandra is a top professional, and hopes she'll survive the inevitable cull between this series and next. Alexandra says she reminds him why she loves to skate. The money? Dominic says he's loved the whole thing, "even the judges". They take to the ice again for their lap of honour, and Phil reminds us that next week the contestants will have to learn a new skill, and it will be Vegas week [which will not be as good as the Vegas week they did when the Barrowman was Elvis - Carrie]. Holly thanks everyone involved in the making of the show since time immemorial, and we're done. Carrie will be here next week [assuming I stay awake - Carrie], and I'll be back in a fortnight. See you then!

Rhythm of the shite

2011-01-23T18:08:00.000Z

First week of REAL competition!
Tx Sunday 23rd January 2011

Welcome back to nonsensical ice-dance extravaganza Dancing on Ice! In case you've not been keeping up, we've sloughed off all the dead wood (ie the contestants you may have heard of, plus a woman famous for her bed partner), we have a judging panel that is one-third useful, and some incredibly bloated shows. On the plus side, we still have Jayne and Chris, and that's always a good thing, right?

We begin with a reminder that the show is persisting with the farcical idea that the competition has not yet started, despite there being a) judging, b) competition and c) voting in the previous fortnight. "You chose them!" our presenters inform me. I bloody did not. If I chose a Dancing on Ice line-up it wouldn't include a celebrity drink-driving child or Jeff bloody Brazier, I'm telling you that now. Anyway, so they remind us of who the contestants are, which is just as well, because I swear I don't recognise half these people, even though I saw them last week. They are: Dave and Frankie no-surnames; Kerry Katona and Dan; Johnson Beharry VC and Jodeyne; Chloe Madeley and Michael; Steven Arnold and Nina; Denise Welch and Matt (in a CROP TOP); Vanilla Ice ON ICE and Katie; Dominic Cork and Alexandra; Laura not-famous Hamilton and Colin; Jeff Brazier and Isabelle; Sam not-famous Attwater and Brianne; and Jennifer Metcalfe and Sylvain.

Here are the judges. And much to my disappointment, there is no shock! twist! - just the trio we've put up with for the previous fortnight, two of whom are utterly superfluous. Still, looking on the bright side, the other one is Robin Cousins. They pose in front of their desk and look smug.

First up tonight we have Vanilla Ice ON ICE and Katie. It is greatly saddening that the cast of DoI persist in calling Vanilla Ice "Rob". I shall not be doing the same. Katie goads him into practising hard moves, including a big lift up on to his shoulder, by calling him a wimp. And...that's pretty much it. (Spoiler alert: I've looked ahead this evening and every single one of the pre-skate VTs is a pointless piece of time filler.) They're skating to Minnie The Moocher and Vanilla Ice has his nails painted black (/adds marks). He then mimes along to the words, although I'm not sure he's supposed to be all the time. Hey ho. The tricksy lift, where she's perched on his shoulder, comes off fine, though the camera work is abysmal as usual. Scores - Jason 5, Robin 6, Emma 5 for a total of 16, but remember they are now marking out of 10 (or 20, as it seems they are going to do half-marks) rather than 6 (or 12, if you count the half-marks). Vanilla Ice informs us that this is not music he is familiar with; Katie says she had to tell him to chill out. Jayne and Chris beam like proud parents. Phil asks, "Standards high?" and then re-phrases, "High standards?" Over with the pointless judges, Emma liked it but wants him to stop slouching, Robin agrees and praises him for the execution of the lift, and we are reminded that Jason marked him down last time because he was worried about the future routines that he might do because he is a TWAT. Karen pulls a classic face, and then says that she forgot they had skates on because it was so entertaining, and she will forget about the mistakes. Stupidly, Robin and Jason go, "That's why we're here!" and Karen says, "That's why I'm here as well!" which I am choosing to read as a commentary on the judging panel revamp. [Yeah, it's a shame that "here" for Karen is sitting on a sad individual chair halfway across the room. - Steve] AAARGH.

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We are welcomed back after the break with the news that Bunton and Jade out of Damage have (finally) announced their engagement. About bloody time. [And yet...you'd think if it had been in the offing for that long, you'd find a classier way of announcing it than during the adverts on Dancing ON ICE. - Steve] Chloe and Michael are next to skate, and brilliantly she hams it up backstage, pretending to scold him for not buying her a ring. Then we're into the VT, and we learn that Chloe is doing that 'frog lift' (acording to Gubba) that Sinitta did and nearly castrated my poor Andrei. Michael takes his trousers off to show us his war wounds (fnar), which just look like a couple of paper cuts to me. However, nobody seems to be injured even though Chloe is panicking, so this is all a bit exaggerated about something that might happen but probably won't. Let's get on, shall we? They're skating to The Climb, and Chloe really is good. She's graceful, she's brisk, and she looks lovely; she and Michael make a nice couple ON ICE. Their movements match each other well and they clearly get on, which is good too. There's a great bit where Chloe wheels out some Chris Dean literal choreography - reaching her hand up on the word "high". Gubba has many lolz at a Frenchman doing a 'frog lift', the Louis Walshesque racist. Scores - Jason 5.5, Robin 7.0 and Emma 6.5 for a total of 19.0. Everyone is glad that Michael still has his penis and testicles intact. Robin points out that Chris is wrong and it's actually a harder lift than Sinitta did because her partner is on a different edge. Jason is incredibly offensive and gets booed. Bunton says some crap.

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Last week, Denise got told by Jason that she looked like Matt's mum. She is having none of it: "It's cougar time!" And wouldn't you just know it, she's going to skate this week to Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight), because this show is all about class. Chris tells her, "You'll have a line-up of boys!" Denise beams. She and Matt go off to Mamma Mia! because that's the best way to learn about great choreography. And then back on the rink, what the fuck? Denise skates on alone, looking like Kate Monster from Avenue Q with a big open-mouthed grin, then actually does have a line-up of boys to choose from, Matt tears off his navy clothes hiding his golden croptop, and the routine eventually begins, but this is rubbish and it's partly the choreography's fault. Straight 3.0s for a total of 9.0 and she's lucky to get that. Denise wails about having a senior moment and failing to feel the beat. Matt wails about not knowing where she was until she felt him (fnar). Jason says "spunk" and I snigger. Robin says it isn't a question of confidence, it's allowing herself to have fun with it. Bunton says Denise is fun to watch even though Matt is carrying her round the ice. What? Jason interjects, "Really?" and he's right for once.

Ooh, no ads, straight on to Dom and Alexandra. He wants to impress people this week, and Chris tells us how adventurous he is, and they've put in a death spiral at the end. We know how this is going to end, don't we, children? Yes, they have a fall during the dress rehearsal and Dom cracks his knee. According to Twitter earlier, it was questionable whether they'd skate or not, so it's good news that they are. Dom's skating is a little tentative, but he whacks on a smile and gets round; even though the lift is dodgy the death spiral is very good. Alex looks like she's going to cry with pride. Scores - Jason 3.0, Robin 4.5 and Emma 4.0 for a total of 11.5. Dom admits he was worried prior to the lift, but wanted to enjoy it. He enthuses once more about how much he loves Dancing ON ICE. Alexandra reminds us that Corky is a SPORTSMAN. Bunton says that Dom has improved a little bit but is a selfish performer, and concludes: "I don't know what to say." Well, fuck off then. Jason says Dom is missing a yellow brick road. What? Karen reluctantly agrees with Jason but then points out that Dom embodies the spirit of DANCING ON ICE. Robin says that now Dom knows how to fall, he can get on with the rest of it.

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A fortnight ago, Laura wasn't famous, but was good at skating; this week, it's much the same. They're loading on the tough choreography for her, and she reminds us that she's a novice skater. The lifts they're programming look awful, and she's making hideous grunting noises as she attempts to haul herself into them. Karen shouts at her to calm down. They're skating to All The Lovers, and bosomwatchers will be pleased to note that Laura's are present and correct albeit slightly better strapped down than last time round. The routine isn't as fluid as the first one but it's much more technically demanding and all the lifts seem to work. Scores - Jason 6.0, Robin 6.5 and Emma 7.0 for a total of 19.5. Laura and Colin gabble insanely at Phil. Jason says he can see why the public saved her, and he loves to watch their partnership (which he calls "enigmatic" - does he know what that word means?). He then tells her she has "stumpy legs", which isn't strictly true, but if he means that her leg-lines need to be extended at times, then he's right. Still, why say something constructive when something offensive will do?

In the first week, Steven and Nina and their comedy routine were rubbish. The day after the first show, Steven doesn't bother turning up to rehearsal. Everyone bitches about him in his absence, and then he VTs that he slept through his alarm. Plonker. Nina then has to try to teach him Chris's choreography - "I am here to KICK YOUR ASS!" she announces. Steven moans about having a tough start to the fortnight. Well, turn up to rehearsal then, you fool. They're skating to Rhythm of the Night, and Steven keeps biting his lips and then pouting when he's doing the dance moves. Is that what passes for club dancing these days? He's not leading, and he's very slow. Ugly routine. Scores - Jason 2.0, Robin 2.5 and Emma 2.5 for a total of 7.0. Jayne and Chris lie that he did well. Robin says the routine was enjoyable for the wrong reasons and the skating was poor, even though he appreciates he is doing his best. Jason clearly has no time for Steven at all, and criticises his lack of commitment. Steven agrees with Phil that the comments are harsh and he knows that he doesn't have any natural ability but he will give it his all. Except for the days when he's going to stay in bed instead.

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Phil has a little row with the audience who are giggling while he reads the autocue, and then has a chat with Hayley STAR OF STAGE AND SCREEN Tamaddon, who reveals that she picked his suit for him this week. Kyran Bracken is next to Hayley, but he gets completely ignored.

Time for Jeff and Isabelle! He is pleased that Emma is so vapid that she increases people's marks based on whether she fancies them or not. In rehearsal, Jeff complains about not having done things before, including spinning on the spot. He cheerfully admits that he was rubbish in his first routine, but will endeavour not to be now that the judges' scores will count for something. That's good of him, isn't it? They're skating to I Want You Back, and I'm guessing that Jeff isn't supposed to be half a beat out with Isabelle. He also falls out of his spin, demonstrating why he was worried about it. Are they going to bring in required elements again this year? I hope so. Scores - Jason 3.0, Robin 4.0 and Emma 4.0 for a total of 11.0. Jeff says he put a lot of work in, but just didn't do it correctly. He then jabbers on about being drunk at a barbecue, because he is a Man of the People. Brazier then warns Jason about his mates in the audience who are experts at "group insemination" oh HAHAHAHAHA, and confesses he dropped his "little petite filoue" on her face in rehearsal. Chris and Jayne lie that he did well. Jason says the Jackson Five are tight and punchy, and his dancing is sloppy - "it's almost like you're missing a couple of chromosomes." Jeff makes some more helpful vaguely homophobic comments. Karen tells Jason that Jeff's errors were down to nerves and there is no need to be offensive. Robin says he agrees with everyone, because blessed are the peacemakers. Emma says she will back off now she is engaged. That's a relief for all concerned.

The no-surname twins now. Last week they did robotics to The Safety Dance; Chris hopes they do not continue that kind of choreography this week. Frankie shouts at Dave throughout the rehearsal as Chris likens him to a Thunderbird. What is to be done? Of course, send him off to Pineapple Dance Studios. Dave is sure that his one single dance lesson will have been invaluable. They're skating to The Way You Look Tonight (I love the way YOU look EVERY night, Chandler Bing!) and Dave has done his hair in the style of Ray Quinn in homage to the 50s, of course. His arms still look horrible, but his skating isn't too bad, despite his musical ear being non-existent. Gubba nudges us in case we hadn't realised it was supposed to be a Rat Pack routine. Scores - Jason 2.5, Robin 3.5, Emma 3.5 for a total of 9.5. Dave doesn't know how he feels about that, but he's enjoying himself. That's the main thing, eh? Phil laughs at Dave looking like he's going to fall over and then not. Jayne giggles a bit about the Thunderbird arms not quite disappearing yet. Robin says it is hard to be loose and carefree (and does a little wiggle in his seat) and then talks about the money shot. I'm not sure he meant to say that. Jason says Dave can't dance, perform or find a beat, but he can't stop looking at him despite that. Emma says they were all laughing at him and wasn't sure whether they should have been or not.

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Jen and Sylvain now! She likens getting through the skate-off last week to having a baby. No, I don't know either. She moans incessantly about the fact that she has a full-time job as well as doing Dancing on Ice. Seriously, bitch, don't even try that shit. If you've not got time to do the show, don't fucking do it. I haven't really got time to spend a Sunday evening recapping your feeble whining, and it would be much easier with one fewer couple to write about. They skate to California Gurls and Sylvain camps it up ridiculously, flexing his biceps [this is relevant to my interests - Steve] and hurling Jen around the ice. There's a bit of a stumble on some of the through-leg swings, but it's mostly good. Scores - Jason 6.0, Robin 7.0 and Emma 6.5 for a joint-top total of 19.5. Phil asks after Jen's leg, and she reckons she'd forgotten about it. Everyone points and laughs at Sylvain for being scared of blood. Jason says that Jen is good but Sylvain hides some of her flaws. Robin concurs but says it in a nicer way. Emma wants Jen to rein in her energy to have a little more control.

Next, Sam and Brianne, who are going to do a lyrical routine. This week they are mostly dangering it up with a table-top lift, during which Brianne is going to let go of his wrists and rely totally on him. Sucker. Sam is trying to act 'intense', I think, which is funny; they do the table-top lift well, although the landing is clunky. Scores - Jason 8.0, Robin 8.5 and Emma 8.5 for a total of 25.0. Brianne says the table-top lift felt great. Freak. Emma says Sam performs with ease and lifts Brianne effortlessly. Holly says something stupid about Sam being as good as a pro. Robin laughs kindly.

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Johnson and Jodeyne now. Chris reminds us that some fucking mentalist shouted, "You're a hero!" at Johnson before he started his first routine. However, rather than calling the fucking mentalist a fucking mentalist, as is right and proper, Chris says it put a lump in his throat. In rehearsal over the past fortnight, Johnson has mostly been breaking a finger because a skate fell on it., which we know because he told us last week, and apparently nothing else has happened since then. They're skating to Something Good. Johnson isn't the most musical of individuals but he does skate quite well, managing a few one-footed jumps. Scores - Jason 4.0, Robin 4.5, Emma 4.5 for a total of 13.0. Johnson is all, pfft, broken finger, what, and Jodeyne, bless her, is all, "He's had such a tough time!" In reference to a broken finger. When he's been shelled. And got a VC. Oh, Jodeyne. Jason praises Johnson's attitude, taking it as a chance to castigate some of the others a bit more, and suggests some dance classes, which Johnson says he might consider.

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Finally, FINALLY - Kerry and Daniel. She has mostly spent rehearsal time screeching. Dan says he has to push her because her confidence is like a rollercoaster; Kerry says she wants to be a skater and then starts spouting some stream of consciousness into the camera. And that is the sum total of their VT. They are skating to Respect, and Kerry catches her toe picks a few times, and the execution of the steps is a little ragged. Still, Dan manages to throw her around and put in some decent lifts regardless, which is nice. Scores - Jason 4.0, Robin 5.0 and Emma 5.0 for a total of 14.0. Kerry witters on about being full of attitude; Dan says that he has RESPECT for Kerry and then mocks her for thinking her boobs had fallen out of her dress. Robin says Kerry brings life to the ice, and Jason says that Kerry doesn't do enough work by herself. Emma, though, cannot fault Kerry's performance. So why give her a 5.0 then, if you can't fault it? Idiot. [I took "I can't fault that performance" to mean that Bunton was admitting she's not supposed to be judging this show. - Steve]

Right. That's everyone done. Sam and Brianne are top; Steven and Nina are bottom. All is as it should be. Tune in one hour from now to see people who can skate getting eliminated in favour of morons who are rubbish!

Results show

Drama! Earlier 12 couples skated for our votes, and gave it their all - but two must skate off, and one must leave! The lines have closed and the results will be revealed (to Phil's ear) very shortly! Drama drama!

Titles!

Phil welcomes us back and he and Holly quickly go over the rules for us once again, reminding us that the judges' decision is final. Thunder and lightning crash; "MWAHAHAHAHA!" cackles Phil, who I believe may be opting for the preferable choice of drinking while watching this show. [Suddenly his utter refusal to every do any skating himself makes a lot more sense. - Steve]

Recap! Vanilla Ice says he will not make any excuses and then makes some excuses; Chloe was a bit upset about Jason likening her arse to a baboon's, as you would be; Denise loves being part of the show (she's expecting a low phone turn-out then); Dom reassures us that he and Alex are trying their hardest; Laura seems relatively OK with being told that she has stumpy legs, and Colin nods his head; Steven is going to listen to what the judges say (and maybe turn up to practice); Jeff...also seems drunk, and expects to be in the skate-off; Dave thinks the scores were too harsh; Jen admits she forgot some of her routine; Sam was close to crying when his scores came in, the big baby; Johnson says he used to go clubbing but never went on the dance floor, as Jodeyne giggles; Dan reassures Kerry that he thinks they've done enough to get through, and they agree that they're both happy.

Holly's with the judges. Jason says there is a little bit of potential in the line-up, and you can already see who will step up and who will not cope well with the pressure. Robin tells the skaters to forget what happened earlier. Thanks, Robin!

Results time, but the little ticker is in the top right-hand corner of the screen, so we know what will happen - and yes, Phil throws right to the break before revealing who's safe. Oh, Phil. You and your ways.

OK, read now, Schofield? Yes, indeed, he touches his ear, and our safe couples are - Kerry and Dan; Sam and Brianne; Dave and Frankie; Johnson and Jodeyne; Laura and Colin; Vanilla Ice ON ICE and Katie; Jeff and Isabelle; Jen and Sylvain; Chloe and Michael (who I'd actually forgotten about and didn't know who they were when he announced the names); and Denise and Matt.

So Dom and Alex skate off against Steven and Nina, and weirdly, that seems almost fair. Jayne says the public have mostly gone with the judges' scoring, so this is a second chance. Chris knows that Dom can do better and had been thrown by the fall earlier, and Steven just...has to be less shit, in summary.

Dom and Alex perform their routine much better this time, and they are both tearful at the end. And LOOK! There is Mark Ramprakash! Former Strictly champions who also play cricket are frequenting the DoI studios! Steven and Nina do their routine; he's gurning much less, and it occurs to me that even though some of these contestants are shit at dancing, they seem to be better at skating than the worst ones in previous years - Todd Carty, for example.

The judges' decisions - Jason is sad that it isn't a double eviction, because he is a graceless classless tossbag, but saves Dominic; Emma saves Dominic; Robin smacks Jason down because he is a nice man and knows how to behave, and says he is glad it is not a double eviction and he knows we will see more from Dominic, and saves him. [My latest realisation about how crap this new judging set-up is: since Bunto and Jason are basically the same person, Robin's vote is going to count for shit-all in the skate-off. - Steve]

So Steven and Nina are out, which is basically what was foreshadowed from the start of this episode. He thanks her for being like a big sister to him; Chris fibs that Steven is a lot of fun, and says that he is glad that Nina is not his partner (because she is assertive and a bit shouty and control-freaky, and there's not room for two of those in a skating duo).

Ooh, and scary dramatic VT from Robin saying that he is going to reveal some news to the skaters, and he and Jayne and Chris confirm that this could change the course of the competition. Ooh, are they going to get in some judges that know about skating? That would be good. But we won't find out until next week! Or maybe tomorrow, when people will be talking about it on Twitter! Regardless, join us next week to find out!